thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 4: Early Access Phones, Lit, The Rolling Stones, and More

Added 2024-08-05 00:00:04 +0000 UTC

STUDY: Fuck It, Scrolling on Your Phone Before Bed Actually Good For You

BOSTON – Researchers at Harvard University studying the negative effects of phone usage before bed concluded that nothing fucking matters and you should do whatever you want if you it makes you feel good.

“Honestly, at this point, who cares?” explained Harvard neuropsychologist Dr. Melissa Claremont. “We know you’re not reading those articles on circadian rhythms. So fuck it, here’s a ‘study’ that just lets you do what you were going to do anyway. For our method, we basically took two groups, experimental and control, and told them both to just do whatever they want since we only have about 35 liveable years left on this planet. So far we haven’t noticed any major differences between the two groups, but to be fair that’s mostly because none of us really give a shit anymore.”

Study participant Jeremiah Mosley reports on his experience as being part of the experimental group.

“It was great,” Mosley said. “Finally, a scientific study that’s just about living in the moment and enjoying yourself. I had a feeling all that ‘blue light causes severe sleep deprivation’ stuff was just a scam by Big Science to bum us all out. I was able to catch up on so much Tik Tok I somehow ended up on UFC queer theories. Cool shit. In general, I feel healthy as ever. I’ve been meaning to mail a thank you card to the researchers, but it’s a little hard to get to the Post Office since I only sleep during daylight hours.”

Still, others question the validity of the study.

“It goes against the mountains of evidence to suggest that the phone’s blue light actually causes damage to our moods, our sleep patterns, and our ability to focus and stay alert,” said psychologist Dr. Linda Hoffman. “This study perpetuates a dangerous complacency with the pervasiveness of screens in our everyday life—”

Unfortunately, Dr. Hoffman’s interview was cut short due to loud booing and fart noises coming from her colleagues in the lab.

At press time, Clavicle’s team was working on a study suggesting that an attention span of 25 seconds is actually a sign of intelligence and not a threat to either brain chemistry or society on the whole.

I’m My Own Worst Enemy Too but I Guess a Song About Cheese Induced IBS Doesn’t Hit as Hard as Drunk Driving and Calling Your Girl a Bitch

BY ARIELLE ANDREANO

Dear Lit,

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to write a hit rock song about self-sabotage that lights up an entire generation when you’re cool, isn’t it? But when you were busy making millions singing about parking your car on the lawn and screaming at some poor woman, did you ever think about people like me? What about the everyman or woman who engages in daily self-sabotage? Are there to be no groupies for us? No adoring fans for self-hating losers? No panties thrown at our be-Croc’ed feet? I say enough is enough.

I say, nay, decree that it isn’t any less bad-ass that I eat an entire pizza without taking dairy pills, knowing full well I’ll be hot boxing my bedroom with my own farts all night and barely sleep a wink. You can’t put that to a catchy guitar riff? I call that a skill issue. My skill issue, sure, but still. What about how I only put 20 minutes in the meter knowing the doctor’s office isn’t even going to call me back there for another 30? That sounds pretty hard to me. Or try this: I called my mom when I already knew she was having a bad day. Talk about masochistic! But you’re trying to tell me I can’t seduce a woman who ignores red flags with a chorus about any of that?

My blatant disregard for myself is no less rock n’ roll just because I don’t have spikey frosted tips. We’re not all lucky enough to be alcoholics in an abusive relationship, okay?

I work hard to ruin my life every day in every conceivable way and I deserve to sell out a stadium! And trust me, I’ve tried! They do not like that I keep calling! But I will not stop trying! I won’t stop starting shit with people on Instagram and ruining my entire day, and I won’t stop writing songs about it and sending the lyrics to managers begging them to take me on! I refuse to be silenced by your shittier-than-thou attitude or by any venue’s cease-and-desist letters! My liver may be intact and I may have a spotless driving record, but I am a piece of crap, too, dammit, and I deserve to be respected as such!

The Rolling Stones Add Baby to Band to Bring Down Average Age

BY TIM GRAHAM

LONDON — The Rolling Stones announced the addition of an 18-month old baby in a bid to lower the average age of the band’s members, according to starstruck infants who attended preschool with the newest Stone.

“Keith and I are both 80, and Ronnie, the previous ‘new kid’ is 77,” said frontman Mick Jagger while nearly being toppled by a light breeze. “There’s been some grousing about people not wanting to see a band whose members are as, let’s say, mature as us, so we brought in baby Nigel. Now our average age is about 59, and we feel younger already! Also, it doesn’t hurt that the birds are so infatuated with him. They line up and beg to meet Nige after the show. It’s been a while since any women under 60 have tried to get backstage.”

Lifelong fan Kip Dittman thinks the new member adds some much-needed vitality to the venerable band.

“I’ve been listening to the Stones since I was a kid,” said Dittman as he freshened his gin and Metamucil. “I think bringing some new blood into the group is a good idea. The guys are definitely slowing down, but just like every old person, they perk right up when a baby comes ‘round. I heard Nigel’s contract requires concerts to end by 7:00 p.m., which is just fine with me. That means I’ll be able to catch the new ‘Taskmaster’ after next week’s show if traffic is light.”

Rock journalist Penelope Rogers says this is just another in a long line of stunts that elderly bands pull in an attempt to remain relevant.

“I’ve seen a lot of desperate moves by aging bands, but this takes the cake,” said Rogers. “It’s typical for bands to perform their songs tuned down a step or two to compensate for an older singer’s diminished vocal range. Or, in the case of Iron Maiden, they pump the stage so full of fog you can barely see the band, much less how withered and frail they are. Once I saw Iggy Pop and I swear he was using binder clips on his back to pull his sagging skin tight…but a baby, really?”

At press time, Darryl Jones, the Stones’ nearly anonymous bassist since 1993, had been asked if all the attention baby Nigel was getting bothered him, stating “I don’t give a fuck as long as the checks keep coming.”