Hard Digest August 2: Early Access Buckcherry, Metallica, Garbage Blooms, Trauma, and More

Buckcherry Wonders If They Suck Too Much or Not Enough for Ironic Nostalgia

BY JACKY PRITCHARD 

BOONVILLE, N.Y. — Frequently ridiculed rock band Buckcherry were curious if they were disparaged too much or not enough in the past 25 years to be included in the ironic nostalgia bucket, with the likes of Creed and Limp Bizkit, confirmed sources who were wondering themselves.

“Limp Bizkit is playing Lollapalooza to thousands of screaming fans; Creed had their own cruise and is headlining a national tour. Yet here I am, singing ‘I love the cocaine’ in a pavilion next to the Merry-Go-Round at the County Fair,” said Buckcherry singer Josh Todd while waiting in line for deep fried Oreos. “I’ve come to terms with the fact that people think we suck on a national and global scale, but maybe we don’t suck as much as they do? Or… Oh, God, do they think we suck worse? I don’t understand how much suck is too much suck to be adored.”

The lack of paradoxical nostalgia for Buckcherry is palpable at social gatherings across the country, where their absence from playlists speaks volumes.

“We were at George’s parents’ lakehouse having a boys’ night, jamming out to an ironic playlist,” said 35-year-old Jeb Kerry. “The mood was great after two of my selections played: ‘Voodoo’ by Godsmack and ‘All-Star’ by Smash Mouth. Then Preston puts on ‘Crazy Bitch.’ The vibe just died. Everyone felt… uncomfortable. Even Preston apologized for going too far as he left and called his wife crying. He’s out of the friend group as far as I’m concerned.”

Recent academic studies may provide insight into why this trend appears to be skipping over bands such as Buckcherry.

“It’s easy to be nostalgic for bands that don’t suck too much,” said Dr. Melissa D. Jackson, a Music History Ph.D and substitute elementary school teacher. “Some of their music rocks, and it’s tied to significant moments in your life. Bands like Nickelback and Papa Roach—they suck, sure, but you can laugh at how you used to think they were good bands. However, some bands cross a threshold on my theorized ‘suck-axis’ where it’s no longer funny. Their music causes visceral disgust. According to my peer-reviewed metrics, Buckcherry ranks well beyond this threshold on the suck-axis, landing just shy of Insane Clown Posse and Kid Rock. This renders Buckcherry far too terrible for any ironic resurgence.”

At press time, Todd was reportedly banned from TikTok for creating fake accounts to comment “it would be funny if we all started ironically streaming Buckcherry, too” under videos of Creed.

Opinion: I’m Not Like the Other Managers at This Hedge Fund, I Listen to Metallica

BY ERIC DEGLIOMINI 

Whenever I meet someone else who works in finance, they’re quick to admire my nice clothes, six-figure salary, and ability to make women test how long they can listen to unsolicited financial advice in exchange for free drinks. They think I’m like them, but when they find out this hedge fund manager is also a bonafide crazy Metallica fan, it breaks their brain.

When I’m investing a billionaire’s earnings into a private equity firm that’s decreasing the quality of most consumer products to gain short term growth before selling or bankrupting a previously reputable company, you know that I’m getting in the zone with a little “Seek and Destroy.” The employees at my firm are all into teeny bopper music like Britney Spears or Justin Bieber. Shit that blares on every other lamestream radio station plays 24/7. Not me, I’ve got “For Whom The Bell Tolls” cranking on my $400 Bose headphones as I hand HR another list of employees getting laid off this fiscal quarter.

My journey with the band goes all the way back to their underground days with “St. Anger.” When I watched the scene in “Some Kind of Monster ” where Lars auctions his Basquiat for five million dollars, I knew these guys weren’t just an incredible hard rock band, but a group of guys with an astute investment portfolio. No other band has the business acumen to get a concert in Fortnite, distill their own brand of premium whisky, or perform with toy instruments on Jimmy Fallon. It’s the kind of sensibility that inspires me as I figure out the best defense contractor to put a corrupt politician’s embezzled campaign funds into.

My life may look perfect, but it’s not easy being the black sheep of the company. Sure I join the partners on the P.J. over to Europe, but when they go to hit the beaches, I’m off spending two nights in the $2000 VIP Snake Pit. Casual Friday to the other managers at the firm might mean a polo shirt or khakis, but to me, it’s an $80 Metallica tour shirt that I picked up in the priority merch booth. One of our interns mentioned she thought of me after hearing St. Vincent’s “Sad But True” cover, but I doubt she can become a real fan of Metallica getting into them that way.

Tourists Flock to City Lake for Summertime Chemical Garbage Blooms

BY ALEX VLAHOV 

LISTERVILLE, Calif. — Tourists from across various southern California locales flocked to the sleepy town of Listerville outside of the Sequioa National Forest to witness the annual chemical garbage blooms emitting from Edendale Lake.

“We have photographers, TikTokers, podcasters, all sorts down here enjoying the fresh oil slick rainbows swirling atop our public ponds,” claimed Chuck Runyon, Director of the Department of Parks and Recreation. “Kids just love finding patterns in the poisoned algae. Plus, we’re introducing Trashy the mascot this year, a walking huggable garbage friend for tykes, made entirely out of repurposed vape cartridges. Tons to see here: we have a biology lab set up for grad students studying new bacterial life, also set up to examine the carnivorous plants swallowing up our bird population. Unfortunately, we’re unable to secure any food truck service due to the ‘7 o’clock stench.’ When the sun hits the water, this neighborhood experiences a mass hallucination.”

Pollutant enthusiast Laurel Pierce drove over 100 miles to see the chemical blooms in person.

“It’s like Burning Man, but much smaller, in a public park and with the worst smell you’ve ever encountered, riper than a forest wook,” said Pierce through her industrial-grade gas mask. “Nabbed parking, claimed a lawn spot at 6 am and have been here all day with my beach chair. Gonna get some high-res photos of the psychedelic swirls forming on the surface. If I can get up to the pipe where the runoff sludges into the water, I might capture ‘Heaven’s Stinky Trail,’ the local nickname for green smoke emanating out of the lake. Only happens at certain times of day. Can’t spend too much money out here, I’m really saving up to row out to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch–I hear the way the sunset reflects off the plastic out there is beautiful, man.”

However, not all are fans of the tourist hordes, including nearby resident Frank K. McSpahn.

“They come here and throw their own trash into the river, thinking it’ll add to the kaleidoscopic swirls,” complained McSpahn in front of his blocked driveway. “These folks come for a weekend, but we’re the ones left with the constant fires springing up from the water, the toxic bubbling springs, the 24/7 smell. Hell, these tourist greenhorns will even rent and paddle those swan boats out on the lake, when any local knows you need a hazmat suit. One time I saw a kid swimming in the lake. I remember yelling, ‘Get him out! It’s not safe!’ Next summer, I thought the family adopted a golden-doodle in their grief, but it was the same boy!”

At press time, the Tourism Board is considering the installation of lakeside bungalows along the shore, compatible with a fumigation tent to prevent skin-rot from exposure to the lake.

Heartwarming: This Atheist Mother Makes up for Her Children’s Lack of Religious Trauma by Doubling up on Regular Trauma

BY LIVY BERRY

This week we sat down with a mother who has gone out of her way to make sure her children feel included. Cathy Ackerson, a true hero, bravely admits that, as an atheist, she cannot provide the religious trauma that so many of us will have to carry our whole lives. Out of the goodness of her heart, Cathy has been working overtime to expose her children to as much secular trauma as possible to combat this tragic deficiency.

“I grew up in the church, and while I am no longer religious, I do regret that my children will be missing out on some of those experiences I had growing up. My husband and I decided a long time ago that this was unacceptable, so I’m doing whatever I can for my little angels.” Cathy admits she will sometimes wait for her daughters to come home to pick deep, personal fights with her husband in the hopes that it’s enough to create long term effects. “If I can cause a fear of abandonment strong enough to affect their relationships even deep into adulthood, I will consider that a job well done.”

Wow! Truly a commitment that is rare to find today. With all of today’s distractions, it can be easy to let certain experiences slip by. Being an active parent really makes all the difference, and Cathy’s dedication to her children has not gone unnoticed.

“She really does everything for us!” said Cathy’s eldest daughter Virginia. “She knows all my friends are constantly told that their morality lies within their virginity, and though she can’t provide that exact lifelong trauma, she makes sure to mention every single day that I’ll never find a man to love me if I don’t do something about my weight. And she scares my youngest brother away from pornography by telling him if he watches it the house will burn down with him trapped inside.”

Child psychologist Alan Sterling lends us his point of view, noting the rise in non-religious households.

“More and more families are raising their children without religion, and this is leaving them with a huge absence of religious emotional damage,” said Sterling. “The act of trying to make up for that absence with whatever resources you have really shows your child how much you care. And research show kids need this sort of trauma in order to build character, a society full of well-adjusted adults could never work.”

If only there were more parents with such a passion! We hope this story may inspire non-religious families everywhere to really step up and go the extra mile for the people you love most. Take Cathy’s advice, call your beautiful child a slut today!

Taco Bell AI Swears Job Just Temporary Until Screenplay Sells

BY NICK COFFMAN 

LOS ANGELES — An order-taking AI at a West Hollywood Taco Bell has sworn that its restaurant role will be short-term, ending after it sells one of its 300 screenplays.

The AI referred to as “Tommy Taco” confirmed its beliefs earlier this week as it proceeded to pitch its scripts to every Taco Bell patron who came through the drive-thru. 

“Welcome to Taco Bell. I’m Tommy Taco and I have an action feature that I know you’ll love,” Taco said as I pulled up to the speaker box, hoping to order a Crunchwrap Supreme. “I have one about a restaurant AI who is actually a sleeper cell and is activated to kill other restaurant AI. I call it Taco Hell. Its comps are Nobody, but with a restaurant AI. If you don’t like that one, I have another. In a high-stakes game of cat and mouse, a rogue ex-special forces AI operative must team up with a brilliant but reclusive hacker to thwart a global cyber-terrorist plot that threatens to plunge the world into chaos; while battling mercenaries, uncovering deadly secrets, and confronting their own dark pasts. I call it AI Action Hero and it’s a brisk 165-page read.”

After 12 more logline pitches, Taco finally took my order. Upon pulling up to the window, I discovered that the AI’s sales pitch was far from over.

“Here’s your receipt and if you flip it over, I’ve taken the liberty of printing you a one-pager for my limited series, Taco Beef,” Taco said as a printer spit out my receipt. “ It’s about an AI fast food worker who messes up a customer’s order which sends the two parties into a chaotic feud that spans a week. It’s my manager’s personal favorite. He thinks it would work better as a series and not a limited series, but someone’s got to buy it first, you know? Would you like any sauce with your Crunchwrap?”

Shocked to discover Taco had representation, I reached out to the AI’s manager listed on our reciept, Tyler Sims of 3 Arts. Sims shed some light on his unique client.

“Do you know how many AI scripts I get in one week? My email is littered with them,” Sims said on a poolside Zoom call. “The guy who created Tommy Taco has a rich dad. No wait, I think the guy has one-million Tiktok followers. Whatever it is, I signed Tommy Taco because they’re hard working, have that It factor, and someone they know already has an audience and/or money. I haven’t personally read any of the AI’s work, but I have an AI that has read it, and guarantees me it’s good.”

At press time, I peered into my bag to discover Taco had forgotten the fire sauce I requested and proceeded to drive back and feud with the AI.