thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 1: JD Vance, Early Access Chino Moreno, No Doubt. JoAnn Fabrics, and More

Added 2024-08-02 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

JD Vance Further Angers Nation By Claiming “Childless Tarantula Guys” Are Pretty Cool Though

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio — Republican vice presidential nominee JD Vance continued to infuriate the nation by claiming that men who are childfree and own tarantulas are actually kind of cool, confirmed sources who just wanted to enjoy their totally normal pet in peace without getting criticized by political leaders for once.

“If you think about it, tarantulas are exactly like babies. They’re small, delicate, and you have to feed them crickets and mealworms every three to four hours or else they’ll die. At least I think so anyway. My wife handled all that stuff with our kids, so I can’t confirm for sure,” said Senator Vance. “These childless cat ladies can stand to be a little more like the patriots who voluntarily own gargantuan spiders and keep them in a tank. In fact, that’s another way tarantulas are like kids. You have to keep them behind glass. Also, cats are just weird. The last one we had hissed at me all the time and it scratched up my beloved couch. Regardless, this nation was founded on family and tarantula values.”

US citizens felt slighted yet again from Vance’s off-putting comments.

“It’s never a good sign when a politician running for one of the highest positions in government attempts to disparage half of the voter base, unless my side does it more cleverly,” said Jennifer Maxbean without realizing she had cat litter stuck in her teeth. “Parents are always talking shit about adults who would rather have pets than children as if we’ve done something morally reprehensible. If anything, the people that keep large arachnids that won’t even sit on your lap or chase a laser pointer are the actual sociopaths. When will politicians understand that the real enemy in this country is exotic pet owners.”

Experts were quick to note similar distasteful comments in US history.

“Politicians have a tendency to belittle voters whose lifestyles vary slightly different than theirs,” said political analyst Meg Vereen. “Back when Obama was in office, he criticized creepy divorced guys who owned a bunch of snakes as pets. Honestly, he had a good point there. If you’re going to get a pet, don’t get one of the ugly, leathery, venomous ones. Nature intended us to have the cute furry ones and make them poop in a little sandbox.”

At press time, Vance doubled down on his comments by noting that childfree illegal tiger owners are also pretty badass.

Chino Moreno Caught Moaning Into Oscillating Fan Again

BY ROBERT JOHN SCUCCI

SACRAMENTO, Calif.— Deftones frontman Chino Moreno was recently discovered belting out various moans and screams into an oscillating fan while working on one of his side-projects, confirmed audio engineers scrambling to find the right plug-ins to capture his true essence.

“For the most part, my signature sound can be captured using a tried-and-true Black & Decker with the 16” blade,” said Moreno as he worked his way through the band’s warehouse taking an inventory of the dozens of fans he’s accumulated over the years. “But I’ve been toying with my sound, and I’ve really taken a liking to Lasko/Galaxy 3150/2150 12″ oscillating fans from the ’70s for their tighter midrange. They just don’t build them like they used to. Dyson makes some good shit too, but they’re not really built for the road. And the bladeless models make Stefan paranoid for reasons that I don’t fully understand.”

Deftones drummer and founding member Abe Cunningham is surprisingly supportive of Moreno’s growing collection of oscillating fans despite the staggering storage costs.

“Our last merch drop pretty much secured the lease at our warehouse for the next five years, so Chino can buy as many fans as he wants,” said Cunningham as he worked through his pre-concert stretches. “Fuck, I’m 50 years old, and I’m still using 2B sticks, so who am I to get in the way of his creative process if it means that I can use his 20” Lasko Wind Machine Air Circulator Floor Fan with three different speed settings to cool off behind the kit until he needs it for the last chorus of ‘Digital Bath?’ It helps him slide into those high notes, and I don’t drop any sticks because my hands are dry as a bone.”

Deftones producer and longtime collaborator Terry Date admits how impractical Moreno’s vocal methods are, but can’t argue with the results.

“Chino is going to do what Chino does, and I try not to get in the way of his musical genius,” Date said in regard to Moreno’s unconventional methods. “I’m not in a position to complain, because Deftones are still selling records to legions of fans. Do I wish he used more up-to-date technology in a live setting? Absolutely. But that scream in ‘Genesis’ you’re hearing? You can thank Honeywell for that.”

At press time, Moreno was spotted at Lowe’s staring in awe at a Hunter Xp 120” ceiling fan.

Hey Girl, You Looked Cute So I Wanted To Tell You That the Keyboardist From No Doubt Used To Animate on "The Simpsons"

BY ROB STEINBERG

Hey girl, saw you across the coffee shop, your face buried in a book, looking all sexy by asking the barista for ice because your tea is too hot. I thought to myself “Damn, I should tell her one of the many interesting facts I know,” so here it goes.

You remember that band No Doubt from the 90’s? Well, on their first three albums, they had a founding member who was a keyboardist. Not just any keyboardist either, it was Gwen Stefani’s brother Eric who left when the band hit big to focus on his animation career…

Pretty wild bit of trivia huh? Well, that’s the kind of guy I am, wild. Yeah, can’t blame you for blushing at me knowing this knowledge, just like how you can’t blame Eric Stefani for leaving. He was the character layout artist for the first nine seasons of The Simpsons. Not to mention the intro for Honey I Shrunk The Kid and post John K episodes of Ren and Stimpy. So next time you watch Stimpy donate the fat from his buttcheeks to be surgically turned into Ren’s muscles, you can now think to yourself that one of the people drawing on that was also recording Tragic Kingdom on the side.

Because you said “Oh, that’s nice” I’m assuming this conversation is going great and you’d love to learn more.

Well, uh, did you know that Dana Carvey’s brother invented the Video Toaster, a revolutionary device in video making? If you want to come to my apartment I can show you it as long as we don’t disturb my roommates who work remotely. We can also watch a movie and I can point out every time an animal noise is voiced by Frank Welker… but hey no pressure… or implications from coming over to my place, heh

I see you’re back to reading your book so you probably didn’t hear that last part. That’s okay, I’ll let my soft words just seep into your subconscious and you will know to come to my end of the coffee shop once you’re done reading. I’ve got a tidbit about Tony Todd’s contract while shooting “Candyman” that I think is gonna rock your world.

Startling New Report Reveals Average JoAnn Fabrics Customer More Anarchist Than Anyone at Punk Show

BY JOHN DANEK

CHARLESTON, S.C. — A new study by the College of Charleston confirms that the majority of shoppers at JoAnn Fabrics espouse stronger and more tangible anarchist ideals than anyone attending modern punk shows, unsurprised customers confirmed.

“Oh honey, I would much rather make winter fleeces for my granddaughters than support some big corporation with their sweatshops and tax write-offs!” stated June Pulaski, founder of the local Stitch, Bitch, n’ Kill Fascists Club. “And as for those children who go to those punk rock and roll shows, they should listen to some Lawrence Welk. Now he was a real musician! Though, to be fair, I also find myself tapping my toes to that new Knocked Loose album from time to time.”

Local Charleston punks dispute the claims about their community found in the college’s research.

“Oh bullshit, I’m more anarchist than those nerds will ever know— it even says so on this battle jacket I got from Urban Outfitters,” said Jared Reed, whose mother bought the jacket for his fifteenth and a half birthday. “You gotta look the part, or else people won’t know how punk you are. Hell, I almost lost my voice last night singing along to songs about ‘revolution’ and ‘rising up.’ I just can’t wait for all these bands to tell me specifically what to rise up against. Those old bags at the craft store are just a bunch of fascist Karens, I think.”

Those who conducted the study commented on the apparent dichotomy between the punk community and those actually putting anti-authoritarian theories into practice.

“All those kids dressing up and going to shows are posers, at least in the political science sense,” explained Professor Dante Clyburn, head researcher in the College of Charleston’s political science department. “They generally serve the benefit of oppressive systems such as capitalism and colonialism, with their unbridled consumerism and rehashed riffs. People who make their own clothes, grow their own food, and support each other in other ways weaken those systems in their immediate sphere. Our study found that a Singer sewing machine is more punk than a Marshall half-stack will ever be. But not all craft stores are created equal: to no one’s surprise, we found that Hobby Lobby shoppers are overwhelmingly Christofascists.”

At press time, an anonymous whistleblower leaked information confirming that the FBI has been tracking Joann Smiles rewards users for anti-American operations since the mid-1950s.