Hard Digest July 31: Boycotts, Simone Biles, AI Taco Bell, Early Access HitClips, Broken Arms, Weezer, and More

Officials Confirm Olympic Games “May Never Recover” From Rob Schneider Boycott

BY DAN RICE 

PARIS — International Olympics Committee spokesperson Mark Adams confirmed that the 3000-year-old world amateur sporting contest was “Unlikely to continue” in the wake of a boycott issued by Hollywood powerhouse Rob Schneider.

“We have to be realistic,” said a crestfallen Adams struggling to keep his composure in front of the sea of flashbulbs and television cameras. “The boycott from the ‘making copies’ has dried up our funds and put the games in an unsustainable position. Even now our athletes are starving, the Seine is more polluted than it’s ever been, and moisture-wicking undergarments are running scarce. The Thailand badminton team has no idea how they’re getting home and the Australian Rugby team had to take jobs working security at some seedy Paris sex clubs to make ends meet. This is what we get. This is what we deserve for invoking the wrath of Adam Sandler’s 12th-best friend from SNL.”

Schneider expressed zero remorse for ending the world’s largest and longest-running cooperative international event with his infamous clout and influence.

“I’m sorry to all of the athletes, but I refuse to feel sorry for an organization that openly mocks Christianity with a tableau of The Last Super that I hate for totally non-hate-related reasons,” said Schneider in between mailing unsolicited copies of a “Deuce Bigalow 3” script to Netflix. “You think you can keep playing your little worldwide sporting games after openly celebrating Satan with that woke indoctrination? Not if the most powerful conservative entertainer next to Kevin Sorbo and James Woods has anything to say about it, and I do!!”

Seasoned Olympic historian Russell Knowells notes that this is not the first time a celebrity boycott has affected the games.

“When curling became an official winter games sport in 1998, Sinbad said it was for fart-heads,” recounts Adams. “Sinbad was at the height of his powers, but he just seemed to be riffing on stage and didn’t have any ill will towards the sport. It shook things up but they recovered. This Schneider thing though? I don’t know. I’m not sure how you recover when the guy who did comic relief on ‘Judge Dread’ and ‘Demolition Man’ over 30 years ago boycotts you. That’s like being boycotted by, well, I can’t think of anyone bigger actually, the Pope feels like a step-down. From Hercules to Usain Bolt, it all ends like this.”

At press time, “The Hot Chick” is available to stream on Tubi.

Simone Biles Opens Up the Pit With Perfect Double Layout With Half Twist

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

PARIS — A local hardcore show instantly achieved immediate legendary status after Olympic legend Simone Biles single-handedly opened up the pit with a perfect double layout with half twist, impressed show attendees reported.

“I was just looking to celebrate with the team after racking up all those medals, and we wandered into a Birds in Row show near the Olympic Village. I was getting really into it and I was still amped from the awards ceremony, so I knocked out one of my signature floor moves, and the next thing I know the club just descended into complete chaos,” said Biles. “Some big dudes started doing cartwheels and somersaulting into the knees of people standing on the edge of the pit and I can’t say everyone’s form is as good as mine, but they definitely have the energy. The team and I were impressed by some of the people using the stage monitor as a springboard to stage dive, but until then they can stay the hell out of my way because if they play ‘Cathedrals’ I’m turning into a human windmill.”

Showgoers immediately fed off of Biles’ energy but had to exercise extreme caution around her.

“I heard there were Americans in the crowd trying to show up the locals, so I threw myself into the pit just for someone to launch me into the merch table 20 feet away. I was gonna fuck them up until I saw it Simone Biles and the entire goddamn US gymnastics team casually doing consecutive double layouts,” said local Raphael Bernard. “Seriously, it felt like I was hit in the chest by a jackhammer. I’ve fought crowdkillers half as intimidating as her, so if tonight we have to change the phrase to ‘no dick in the pit,’ I’m on board if it means I won’t bleed internally.”

Former Olympic coaches were not surprised Biles was absolutely tearing it up, and noted there is a long history connecting gymnastics and the hardcore scene.

“You’d be shocked how many transferable skills there are in gymnastics and decimating people in a mosh pit. I mean have you seen the size of the U.S. team’s legs? Many athletes who’ve been in the program also became scene legends wherever the Olympics were taking place,” said former assistant coach Cheryl Smith. “I’ll never forget Mary Lou Retton going straight from her historic all around gold medal performance to fucking everyone up with two-stepping backflips at a Bad Black show back in ‘84. That was some good shit.”

By the end of the show, Biles had created three new moves after successfully landing multiple gymnastic moves while hanging from the venue’s rafters

New Taco Bell Drive-Thru AI Keeps Making Human Fingers Found in Burritos Look Weird

BY BOBBY KOREC 

IRVINE, Calif. — Taco Bell’s revamped artificial intelligence drive-thru has reportedly been making the human fingers commonly found in their burritos look unrealistic and perverse, confirmed sources who thought the Doritos collaboration was the grossest thing the fast food company has ever done to that point.

“There I was eating my black bean grilled cheese burrito when all of a sudden I bit into what appeared to be a human finger that had a few littler fingers sprouting from the sides, half of which looked like soba noodles and the others didn’t even have fingernails,” said longtime Taco Bell patron Jason Merwich. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be back here tomorrow for lunch. After all, the regular human toe I found in my Crunchwrap Supreme a few weeks ago hasn’t deterred me, and at least that was prepared by a non-artificially intelligent person. However, I do have a problem with Taco Bell using AI. You can always tell when something was done with artificial intelligence and it’s never with the care of a 17-year-old employee. AI can rot in hell.”

Employees of the fast food chain weren’t all that pleased with the new drive-thru system either.

“First, AI took my drive-thru job. Then it took it upon itself to make a batch of burritos for customers, but since it only referenced Google for our food, it mainly came up with stories about human appendages found in our menu items, so it clearly tried to do just that,” said Taco Bell cashier Dave Mooring. “And to think, I used to work an office job before this, but they laid me off and replaced me with AI there too. I heard it was putting images of messed up fingers in Excel spreadsheets and they had to stop using it. It’s like AI can’t handle capitalism. Or fingers for that matter.”

Tech experts believe employers should be expecting more of this as AI is implemented worldwide.

“Sure, AI may be coming for our jobs, but it’s fucking up those jobs at an alarming rate,” said insider Maria Ventos. “McDonald’s has already pulled out of using AI for their drive-thru windows, not to mention their marketing campaigns. The images AI was generating for Grimace were not of this world. First, it gave Grimace five fingers, which is of course sickening. But it also made him look like a human liver riddled with cirrhosis. Just gross.”

At press time, Taco Bell announced they’d discontinue the use of AI at drive-thrus and promised that all index, thumb, middle, ring, and pinkie fingers found in their burritos will only be of human origin from henceforth.

Grindcore Band Releases Album on Singular HitClips Cartridge

BY JESSICA KASSANTIS 

NEW MILFORD, Conn. — Experimental grindcore outfit Invasive Eel announced a 19-track full-length album to be released exclusively on a Tiger Electronics “HitClips” cartridge, nostalgia-fueled sources confirmed.

“Finally, we’ll be sold alongside our musical heroes like Destiny’s Child, Michelle Branch, and Shaggy” enthused Invasive Eel guitarist Barn Webster, as he jangled his keys adorned with other HitClips cartridges. “In fact, we bet all of them are just as excited to be in the same catalog as ‘Abattoir Entrail Exhumer’ as we are to be within the ranks of that A-Teens cover of ‘Dancing Queen.’ To be honest with you, we’re pretty nervous about hitting that gargantuan 60-second mark the HitClip technology affords us. What is this, a triple album? We ain’t no prog rock band!”

Representatives from Tiger Electronics were welcoming of the Invasive Eel release, if not a bit confused.

“Here I am, sitting in my office, when six ratty delinquents burst in despite my secretary’s protests, and say they want to release their album via HitClips or else they’ll pour goat’s blood all over my desk,” said Tiger Electronics president Gregor Maylond. “I saved a fortune in carpet cleaning by just putting out their damn record. Kids mostly end up accidentally swallowing these things anyway, so it’s all the same to me what music goes on ‘em. I admire their initiative, I really do. I just wish they’d stop asking me what’s become of Aaron Carter. I don’t have the heart to tell them.”

Elementary school teacher Geraldine Wembley offered her insight into how the youth of today are responding to the release.

“Well, first off, I’m torn between whether I should be happy or concerned with the increased instances of my fourth-graders coming up to me asking how to pronounce the word ‘abattoir.’ While it isn’t necessarily on the vocabulary list for our particular curriculum, it is indeed a good word to know,” said Ms. Wembley, who has been educating at Hill and Plain Elementary for 9 years. “These kids apparently think HitClips are ‘cool and vintage’ now. My god. We used to confiscate these things, along with BeyBlades and Pokemon cards and what have you, but I’ve since seen the educational value this grindcore group instills upon the youth of today. Plus, it’s really hard to understand what the lyrics are, so it’s really anyone’s guess as to whether it’s offensive or not.”

At press time, the band was heard discussing a follow-up release recorded on the “single slice of Lunchables pepperoni” format.

Opinion: You’ve Yet to Fully Convince Me That Breaking My Kid’s Arm Won’t Result in Him Pitching for the Chicago Cubs

BY STEVE PACKOSKY 

Listen, I’ll grant that you’ve made some salient points here. However, I still feel like I’ve seen plenty of evidence to the contrary, and the pros are still outweighing the cons. Also, you seem pretty upset, which really isn’t helping your argument. Should I come back later and we can discuss this with some civility?

Fine. Considering that you just pulled me back, you’re pretty intent on addressing this now. Well, the onus is on you, buddy, because I’m definitely not convinced that breaking my kid’s arm WON’T result in him pitching for the Chicago Cubs. So how about you put your phone down and we have a rational conversation? I’m sure cooler heads will prevail.

Okay, now you’re just staring at me in disbelief, so I’ll start. First, have you been following the MLB standings? The Cubs are in last place in the NL Central at the All-Star Break. Imagine their delight when they find out a twelve year old from Lakeview has a tendon in his arm that healed too tightly, and he’s throwing 100 MPH fastballs. They’ll be chomping at the bit to sign him. Wrigley will be PACKED for a kid who’s gone from dropping popups in Pony League to striking out Christian Yelich overnight. Can you imagine?

I guess not. And what did I say about the phone? There’s no reason to invite a third party into this conversation, whether it’s a concerned individual or a child welfare organization. We’re both adults here. I’ll be happy to walk away, and then we’ll see who’s “completely delusional and wholly unfit to be a parent” when you’re screaming into the void.

I haven’t even gotten to the meat and potatoes here. Think of the endorsements! The multimillion-dollar signing bonus is one thing, but picture the checks coming in when this kid starts hawking Pepsi and Nike products! “Bo Knows”? Not anymore he doesn’t, because a commercial with a tween baseball wunderkind playing the piano like Ray Charles will blow every other promotion line out of the goddamn water. College=paid for! Frankly, I’d be an abusive parent if I WASN’T contemplating pushing him in such a way that he lands awkwardly on his throwing arm.

Judging by the sudden arrival of some very stern-faced members of both law enforcement and CPS, you’ve ignored my completely reasonable request to keep this discussion exclusive to the two of us. Well, broken bones heal, but the monetary and life experience benefits of a hijinks-laden but still family-friendly season on the mound for the Cubs will last a lifetime. I’ll explain it to them. I’m sure they’re a lot more sensible than you are.

Oof, or not. I guess I can just train my kid to be the first minor to manage an MLB team once I’m allowed to see him again. I hear the Twins are in the market for one.

Latest Weezer Album to Be Based on Color That Only Mantis Shrimp and Several Bee Species Are Capable of Seeing

BY STEPHEN BELL 

LOS ANGELES — Indie-rock band Weezer allegedly ran out of colors that are visible to the human eye on the 400nm to 750nm spectrum to name their albums after, and will now use a shade that is only visible to the mantis shrimp and several bee species. 

“I mean after having the blue, green, red, white, teal, black, and white album we kind of ran out of colors,” said Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo. “We brainstormed several ideas such as making the album glow in the dark, but the radium paint we used caused our drummer’s fingers to rot off before ultimately killing him. So we changed tactics. And just like my artistic vision is beyond the scope of mere mortals, we decided the new album cover should also be out of people’s vision, literally.”

 Fans of Weezer were not thrilled with this marketing choice. 

“Even attempting to gaze at this new album is a total mindfuck,” said longtime Weezer fan Arnold Shortman. “My mind is incapable of registering what I’m even seeing. It’s like a black void that sucks you in that makes you question if you’re alive. And yet, I feel like I can see everything and nothing upon viewing this album. My nose starts to bleed and I hear the voices of angels calling to me. This ‘Fekete Album,’ the new word they invented to describe this color,  is cursed, I tell you.”

While humans may not be able to properly view the album cover, a large community of mantis shrimp who happen to enjoy the band have been enjoying it immensely. 

“Oh man this is the best album cover I’ve seen in years,” said local mantis shrimp Jeremy Prawn. “I can’t believe Rivers finally admitted that about himself! Oh, what’s that? You can’t read the messages because you’re some cone lacking homo sapien moron? I guess you’re not a real Weezer fan if you can’t experience the mind bending reality that is the Fekete Album. Why don’t you go and listen to some Coldplay or something instead, you fucking poser.”

At press time it was confirmed that Weezer’s next album would be pressed using dark matter and cost $87 trillion to produce. 

Housing Crisis Forces Trans Person to Squat in Gamer’s Head

BY RIDLEY JORDAN 

HOUSTON — Rising housing prices have taken a toll on everyone, but a local trans woman has been hit especially hard. In order to adapt to the rising costs, she was recently forced to squat in a gamer’s head. 

The woman, Sara Chambers, has been documenting her new living arrangement on TikTok.

“All things considered, it’s not that bad,” Chambers said in a TikTok Live. “The fact that I don’t need to pay rent to stay here does help a lot. One thing I’m proud of is that since I started living here, a lot of other members of the trans community affected by housing costs have found their own gamer’s head to live in. It’s great to be a positive influence.”

“Once you get past the underage anime girls, it’s actually a pretty nice place to live,” another trans woman living in the neighborhood commented “All of the lectures about censorship and black samurai are starting to get on my nerves, though.”

One of the most striking things people have noticed about Chambers’ TikToks is that the place she is living is noticeably more spacious than most other apartments in the area. 

“Yeah, I noticed that too,” she said. “But I think it just feels like that because it’s more empty than other apartments this size. It’s definitely what you would call a fixer upper. There was absolutely nothing here when I moved in and it was pretty run down but I’ve been able to manage. Luckily the walls are smooth enough to be able to be decorated.”

At press time, the gamer Chambers is living in has declined to comment on the situation but he has been commenting on all of her videos with an incomprehensible rant claiming Vivian from Paper Mario will be the downfall of civilization.

Delusional Gamer Thinks He’s Making a Dent in Backlog as He Begins 80 Hour RPG

BY MATT FRESH

TORONTO — Local gamer Chase Simpson has erroneously claimed to be making a dent in his enormous backlog after he began playing an 80 hour RPG.

Simpson, 28 and completely delusional, made a Twitter post announcing that he was finally starting Elden Ring, incorrectly claiming this would help him clear his backlog.

“Started working on my backlog recently and since I just beat Bulletstorm, it’s time to clear the next game off the list. Finally starting this masterpiece,” Simpson tweeted alongside a smiling picture of himself holding up Elden Ring. “I didn’t think I could do it but I’m actually making a dent in the backlog.”

Simpson’s mutuals immediately called out his delusions and attempted to warn him that this move wouldn’t help him clear his backlog.

“If you think starting Elden Ring is gonna help you clear your backlog then I want whatever drugs you’re on,” replied Twitter user FunkyMark. “Your backlog just got bigger, not smaller you stupid stupid man. Great game tho, enjoy!”

Simpson doubled down on his delusions as he hit back against his detractors.

“Don’t know where this negativity is coming from. I have an extensive backlog and now that I’m taking the steps to go through it everyone is telling me that what I’m doing is dumb and impossible. Well I’m not listening to the naysayers. I’m gonna play through Elden Ring and then continue through my backlog, this is the start of real progress.”

Gaming psychologist Dr. James Freeland weighed in on the matter, explaining that Simpson’s delusions are common amongst less hardened gamers.

“While most hardcore gamers have less functioning brains compared to most of society, the one area where they’re brains are most developed is the ability to withstand the psychological effects of the backlog. The less hardened the gaming portion of the brain is, the more susceptible they are to the kind of illusions of grandeur mister Simpson is suffering from. Thinking you can get through your backlog, let alone one with an 80 hour RPG in it is a common mistake that gamers make. Most only make it once, unfortunately some aren’t so lucky, they continue to believe it’s possible and have mental breakdowns.”

At press time, Simpson has confirmed he has added six more games to his backlog as Elden Ring has consumed all his gaming time and most of his life.