thehardtimes

Hard Digest July 28: Early Access Metalheads, Instagram, Classic Rock, and More

Added 2024-07-29 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Metalhead Wakes from Horrible Nightmare Where Vest Had Sleeves

EUGENE, Ore. — Local metalhead and part-time barista Oscar “Grouch” Palmer woke from a horrible nightmare in which his treasured denim vest had somehow grown terrifying, constricting sleeves, nearby sources confirmed.

“I woke up sweatier than I’ve ever been before,” said Palmer. “Which is really saying something. I was at [local bar and venue] John Henry’s, except that it wasn’t really John Henry’s, you know? And I could feel something binding me, something dark and disturbing that was keeping me from raising my arms unnecessarily high near people and showing off my pit hair. Then I looked down, and these shit-hideous tubes of cloth had somehow grown all over my arms, like some kind of fucking David Cronenberg body horror. My beautiful vest. My vest!”

“Hesher” Fletcher Morton, Palmer’s close friend, roommate, and bandmate in three non-gigging groups, spoke as a representative for every inhabitant of the house, which totals seven.

“I’ve never seen Grouch so shaken up,” said Morton, bringing the teary Palmer a lukewarm PBR for his nerves. “Not even that time he had a bad dream in which he washed and conditioned his hair and said that it felt light and bouncy. But sleeves, man, that’s fucked up. The only thing worse would be, like, if all of my patches and clothespins came off and then crawled over my face and choked me and, just as I died, whispered ‘Taylor Swift rules.’”

Dream therapist Bryant Wallace offered to make an appointment with Palmer to discuss his terrifying vest dream, pending confirmation of his parents’ insurance.

“It is not unusual for the people and things one loves most to resurface in terrifying and, frankly, impossible combinations in a nightmare,” said Wallace. “Because a metalhead like Mr. Palmer would no more have sleeves on his totemic vest than a punk would have a career-track job or a Charli XCX fan would shut up on Twitter. It must inherently be a source of anxiety for him. In many ways, ‘dream sleeves’ are his mind’s way of processing his fears that someday he may lose the freedom to have his bare, unwashed arms stinking up a concert venue and be forced to be a contributing member of society.”

As of press time, Palmer was moaning in his sleep as he dreamed he was in a mosh pit where everyone was apologizing to each other.

Opinion: That Guy Who Follows the Same Pornstars as Me on Instagram Is a Real Creep

BY DAN RICE

Ihad an extremely toxic relationship with social media for years, but I’ve finally whittled it down to just one perfectly curated Instagram consisting of adorable dogs, movie nostalgia pages, and plus-sized adult actresses’. All of the dopamine, none of the drama! That is, until recently. It seems my perfectly customized digital bubble has been burst, now that it’s come to my attention that this guy Kevin I know follows one of my favorite pornstars. And really, it makes sense that he follows pornstars on Instagram, the guy is a total creep!

I seriously don’t understand why Instagram insists on showing you when “friends” interact with posts on your feed. Now I’m burdened with the knowledge that some loser creepo perv like Kevin is gooning over the same picture of Estella Bathory’s ass as I am. Really kills the vibe!

Just look at the way this asshole interacts with them. Commenting with just the peach, squirt, and heart eyes emojis? Completely tasteless, I would never do that. When I am particularly aroused by a photo a pornstar posts to Instagram I show my appreciation by commenting something simple and elegant, like just the word “Divine” or “Breathtaking.” It’s called class Kevin, look it up!

It sickens me to think someone might assume I have anything in common with some sketchball like Kevin just because we happened to like the same photo of an Asian teenager dressed as Velma Dinkly looking for her glasses in a suggestive manner. Someone I know could stumble across that post, see that I liked it, and then see that Kevin also liked it, and get the idea that I’m some sort of weirdo like him.

I want to put this out there to any adult models who may be concerned—if this creep Kevin is bothering you in your DMs, you just let me know sweetheart, and I’ll straighten it out. Just reply to one of my DMs where I’m telling you how beautiful you are but it’s totally cool that you’re not replying to me. I send some version of that out about once a week so it should be easy to find. Or if you just need an empath to talk to, or whatever!

Wait, Kevin has “empath” in his bio too? Jesus, what a fucking predator!

Classic Rock Station Plays All the Hits from Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” to Boston’s “Peace of Mind”

BY STEVE PACKOSKY

MILWAUKEE – Local FM classic rock station 104.7 WRFM proudly advertises its daily rotation of playing “all the hits” despite the fact that the hosts only play two songs on an endless loop, frustrated sources on their morning commutes confirmed.

“For over 40 years, Wisconsinites have been dialing in to get their daily dose of skull-crushing rock, which we always deliver with minimal commercial interruption,” said station D.J. Randy Mifflin. “We’re known for playing all the hits from the ‘70s and ‘80s, including Boston, to keep that head banging throughout your day. If you’re looking for something to satisfy your Boston itch, boy, have we got the stuff for you. Just be sure to turn the volume up to drown out your complaining neighbors. After all, this ain’t your grandpa’s radio station.”

Milwaukee resident Brett Murphy reacted with equal parts exasperation and frustration.

“I’ve completely given up on WRFM,” Murphy responded. “If I hear those opening acoustic chords to ‘Peace of Mind’ one more time I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I work in a garage that only has a radio, too, so it’s not like I can put on Spotify or anything. Their DJ even makes comments like ‘time to get the Led out!’ even though I’ve never even heard him play so much as ‘Black Dog.’ At this point I’ve switched to another station that only plays ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ and like, four songs by the Eagles.”

Broadcasting expert Keisha Brouchard commented on the impact of the disconnect between local radio stations and their listeners.

“People who still listen to FM radio withstand an unbelievable amount of repetition,” said Brouchard. “Whether it’s the constant barrage of shitty Twisted Tea commercials or the need to continuously spin ‘Crazy Train’ for whatever reason, stations are seemingly unaware that they are pushing their listeners to descend into madness. The human brain is only capable of enduring so much, and what we hear on FM radio isn’t all that different from actual torture when you think about it. In fact, the CIA can save itself time by just turning on a nearby radio in lieu of creating those torture playlists out of Drowning Pool songs and the Meow Mix theme.”

At press time, WRFM announced it would be expanding its catalog by playing the first 15 seconds of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” three times every hour.