thehardtimes

Hard Digest July 27: Early Access Chappell Roan, Mental Health, Rural Vegans, Saying No, and More

Added 2024-07-28 00:00:06 +0000 UTC

Nice! Woman Who Called You Homophobic Slurs in High School So Excited to See Chappell Roan

BOSTON – Local bully Veronica Coughlin, who took immense joy in calling classmates homophobic slurs in high school, is reportedly so excited to see Chappell Roan in concert, confirmed sources who’d rather her not be there or anywhere in their general vicinity.

“I love Chappell Roan! I think we’d be such besties. We’d gossip about which guys we think are hot and we’d make fun of all the losers in the audience, and I’d like totally teach her how to find a makeup shade that matches her face better,” said Coughlin completely unaware of the drag origins in Chappell Roan’s different outfits. “I can’t wait to see her in concert and scream ‘Good Luck, Babe.’ It reminds me of my boyfriend, who I wish would say Chappell’s name corrrectly. It’s pronounced ‘Sha-pell,’ right?”

Others were not as thrilled about Coughlin’s attendance at the upcoming concert, such as Ash Robinson, who Coughlin bullied in high school.

“I can’t believe Veronica is going and I couldn’t even get tickets!” lamented Robinson after seeing “the bitches are seeing Chappell” on Coughlin’s Instagram story. “She used to call me a lesbo in high school, then she said she told me she could maybe kiss a girl, but definitely never date one – and now suddenly she’s Chappell’s biggest fan. Do you think she’s ever actually listened to any of the lyrics? Or has any queer friends? Or any friends for that matter?”

But it’s not just straight women who are newly excited to see Roan, such as Coughlin’s boyfriend Matt Roberts.

“Yeah, this will be a fun date night. I put on some special cologne for the occasion in case we hook up. Or if not her, some other hotties at the show. They all have dope carabiners,” explained Roberts. “Oh and before you go ‘don’t you have a girlfriend?’ it’s fine – Veronica and I are in an unethical non-monogamous relationship or whatever shit you call it. I’m gonna push to the front so Chappell sees me, but no, I definitely won’t do the ‘HOT TO GO’ dance. That’s gay.”

At press time, Coughlin was worried about girls potentially flirting with her at the concert despite none ever remotely doing so.

Shit! I Decided to Stop Checking the News for My Mental Health, but Now I’m Just the Dumbest Person at This Party

BY LIV BERRY

Irecently decided I needed to prioritize my mental health. I took a look at my life and realized it’s not a good time for me to quit drinking and smoking, but I could cut out a lot of stress in my life if I stopped checking the news altogether. Every headline and John Oliver clip is like the modern-day equivalent of a caveman hearing a rustle in the bushes. With all the things there are to stress about these days, making this change felt like Patrick Swayze had entered my brain, removed all of its preconceived notions of society, and then taught it to dance.

Today I woke up and watched a five minute long video of golden retrievers trying to fetch a ball out of a pool. Amazing! I spent breakfast pondering how teacup pigs could get so tiny. I truly considered myself the smartest person in town, as I had clearly discovered the secret to eternal peace of mind. I even texted my family informing them of my plans to write a book (damn, that’s gonna be embarrassing to go back on). Life could not be going better.

This is where everything falls apart. I roll into my friend’s birthday party ready to spread my newfound knowledge, but once I get there, everyone is talking about who Harris might choose for VP and something called Project 2025. I figure this Project 2025 thing is some kind of resolution thing, so I chime in and say I’m going to start exercising more (nailed it), but everyone starts laughing at me. Are we not exercising anymore? Then they start going into Trump’s political agendas for some reason, and I have no idea what the hell anybody’s talking about. They’re using these huge words, and all I can think about is a Tik Tok I saw about freeze-dried Laffy Taffy.

I have to move to a new conversation to get a fresh start. I figure this one will go better for me, these guys usually just talk about baseball and who wants to go on the next beer run. What could go wrong?

Fuck! Cody used to be the dumb one in our friend group, but now he’s talking about the long term impact of a two-rate individual tax system. What the fuck does that even mean? How does HE even know what that means? The last time we got together he asked me if “Armageddon” was based on a true story! This has been a solid blow to my ego, and I know I have to get out.

Pretending to need another drink, I manage to duck out of the conversation, but now I’m just hiding in the kitchen and petting the dog. If you’re reading this, please send help (I worry the dog is about to ask me for my take on foreign policy and I do not have one).

Rural Vegan’s Basement Fridge Stocked With 600 Pounds of Impossible Beef

BY ZACHARY WOLF

BOSEMAN, Mont. — Local vegan and doomsday prepper Abe Friesen stocked his basement refrigerator with 600 pounds of Impossible beef, confirmed sources.

“I got a whole year’s supply of Impossible beef in one go by purchasing the entire slab. Not only did I save money, but you don’t know what the woke government puts in cow beef anyways,” said Friesen, who couldn’t list a single ingredient of the meat substitute product. “My underground bunker is fully loaded with Impossible beef tip, sirloin, and t-bone. Hell, I even have Impossible Kobe and Wagyu beef. All’s I know is that when the world ends, and it will, likely next month, I’ll be eating like a cruelty-free king every day, the simulated juices of my bounty dripping down my chin.”

Local butcher Will Delatraz says Friesen isn’t the only vegan buying Impossible Foods products in bulk.

“Montana’s long been a haven for introverted right-wing nut jobs,” reported Delatraz. “And the liberal media never reports that there are vegans on the right side of the aisle too. I’d say a good 40% of my business is Ted Kaczynski types that bring in slabs of Impossible beef as big as minivans for me to cut up. Sure, I don’t get the same satisfaction from cutting up soy protein as I do from slicing through the rotting flesh of a dead animal that probably just wanted to live peacefully in nature like a loser, but money’s money and I have bills to pay. So are you guys going to buy some meat or what?”

Impossible Foods CEO Peter McGuinness is already capitalizing on the economy’s next emerging market.

“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but we’re developing life-like animatronic wildlife made out of Impossible products to roam the wild after people are gone,” said McGuinnes while scarfing down a Triple Baconator from Wendy’s. “Even after society inevitably collapses due to the corporate greed of companies that aren’t us, Impossible Foods will still satisfy the needs of our customers and shareholders. Impossible-based wild cows, deer, turkeys, rabbits, bison, and other kinds of animals will all be on offer. That way, post-apocalyptic vegan hunters will be able to hunt, kill, and process animals to provide sustenance for their families; just like God intended.”

At press time, Friesen was seen picking Impossible gristle from between his teeth.

10 Ways to Say No to Drugs Unless the Person You Have a Crush On is Also Doing Them

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BY ZAC LUX | JULY 28, 2024

So you’re on a sobriety kick, I get it, we’ve all been there. Or, maybe you’re straight edge, haven’t even tasted the sweet release of an ibuprofen during the most manic of headaches. Here’s a few ways that have worked for us to say NO to drugs. At least until our crush showed up.

“No thanks, I’m good”

Can go a long way. Unless of course, the person holding a jazz-cigarette in your face is your crush, and you’re at a party with a ton of other super hot people that they may take a liking to if you don’t smoke this joint right FUCKING now. If that’s the case then, despite your history with weed and how it makes you insurmountably paranoid even with your closest friends, you can backpedal with something suave like, “Actually, you know what? Call me potty-mouth because I think I would like a drag of that sweet-leaf, daddio.” Then BOOM you’re in. Now just build up some saliva to fight the cotton-mouth so you can ask them out.

“Sorry, I’m stuffed”

This is a bonafide classic when you don’t want to consume any (or any more, looking at you, Andy) psilocybin mushrooms. However if your crush looks a little bummed out you won’t be taking a trip with them, tag on “…But I can always make room for dessert!” And toss a couple of those bad larries down your gullet. See you love-birds in a few hours!

“I don’t do well in the snow”

So your crush comes up to you again, this time asking to go to the bathroom with them to do lines of cocaine off the water tank of the only working toilet in the downstairs bathroom at the local Goth club. Of course they did, you stud! Give ‘em the ol’ “I don’t do well in the snow,” until they start eying the sound-guy person who’s wearing a sick vintage “Transformers” t-shirt. “But I love the Winter Olympics!” Go into that bathroom and luge those lines, big guy.

“For the last time, my name isn’t Molly.”

A steadfast approach to deter someone from offering you designer drugs. But let’s say you’re at a rave in the desert with a bunch of burners. And one of them is super cute and you have to look cool. Follow this up with “unless you were doing a ‘Call Me By Your Name’ thing, then do that, (Insert your name here).” and pop one of those pills, Molly, because you’re about to have a nice evening with your crush. You’ll hardly be sweating at all. You’re gonna smell great. Make sure you call them by your name the rest of the night to keep up with the bit they instilled.

“Fentanyl? More like Fenta-NO”

There isn’t a backpedal quip for this one. Don’t even do this if your crush is doing it, please.

“I can’t. I need to drive my kids to soccer practice later”

Is a good way to turn down a dozen beers. “But maybe it’ll actually make me less nervous while driving” So your crush knows that not only do you know how to party, but you’re also a considerate parent.

“Crack is wack”

This slogan was huge in the ‘80s. If someone offers you crack, you can squash the offer with this simple saying. But if it’s your crush, good freaking luck, buddy. Toss on a “But I’m wackier” there and freebase that shit if you really want to impress them. You will be trying to steal a cop’s gun in no time.

“Turn on? Tune in? OPT out.”

Throw a spin on this old Timothy Leary quote to shut down any hippie waving a sheet of LSD in your face. For your crush—just leave it at “Turn ON.” and slob that paper down. Your crush will think it’s so hot. Hang in there, it may be a bumpy ride, but think of your crush. You HAVE to do this.

“I’m no angel”

If anyone offers you PCP, or “angel dust” give them this. “But I’ll be your Devil” when your crush asks. That’ll sound VERY cool, and not lame, you sexy devil. Do your best to not get absurdly aggressive. That would be a major buzzkill.

“Don’t need any. I’m all natural, baby”

To make flaccid any offering of blue chew. But if your crush insists? “Maybe it’ll amplify how natural I am” Strap in. Do your best to not get stage fright. And remember to call the physician if you have been too “natural” for too long of time.