Hard Digest July 26: Early Access Knockd Loose, Wilco, Cybertrucks, Adult Friendships, and More

ASPCA Adoptions Up 600% After Replacing Sarah McLachlan Song with Knocked Loose Screaming “ARF ARF” on Loop

BY JOHN DANEK 

NEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with a two-second loop from Knocked Loose’s “Counting Worms.”

“We thank Sarah for the decades of letting us use her music, but our shelters have been filling up and our officers of the board have been getting really into hardcore with a dash of metalcore,” said Scott Thiel, Chairperson of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “An intern has been bugging me to check out Knocked Loose for months now, and when I first heard the ‘ARF ARF’ in ‘Counting Worms,’ I knew it was time to switch things up. Adoptions are up, and that doesn’t include the many, many more new applicants we are denying due to failed background checks and/or sniff checks.”

Almost overnight, the typical demographics of potential adopters shifted towards a younger, more aggressive type of pet owner.

“First of all, ‘Angel’ never made sense as an ASPCA tie-in since multiple popes have declared that animals do not have souls. So how would they become angels?” asked Lyle Powers, former snake guy turned current dog person. “That song just never made me want to throw down and mosh like a maniac. On the contrary- it was a huge bummer. But Knocked Loose? Me and my husky pug mix will see you and your high anxiety mutt in the pit.”

Members of Knocked Loose found themselves struggling with their newfound fame.

“Our streaming numbers are way up and tickets are selling faster than ever, but it’s a lot of elderly people who still watch commercials on TV and want us to autograph a picture of their corgi,” admitted Knocked Loose bassist Kevin Otten. “I came dangerously close to overdosing on lemon squares last night backstage during our show in Burlington. I keep wondering if this is the tipping point. I’m afraid of ‘Counting Worms’ relegating us to the status of one-hit wonder, since it’s easily our catchiest tune. I just don’t want to become another VH1 True Hollywood Story, if they even make those anymore.”

Anonymous sources indicate that a furious McLachlan has hired Kurt Ballou to produce her next album which will feature multiple diss tracks about Knocked Loose.

Grew up Listening to Wilco? You May Be Entitled to an Apology From Your Dad

BY VIOLET COWDIN 

Have you always had the itching feeling your Dad is going to leave your Mom for Jeff Tweedy? Did you fall asleep to the sounds of “Sky Blue Sky” as a baby? Was every family road trip a Wilco album listening party? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be eligible for an apology from your Dad.

If the below criteria applies to you, our office may be able to assist you:

• You were often told you had an “old soul” as a child

• Your knew who Neko Case was before the age of 12

• You only applied to liberal arts colleges

• You’ve spent a large amount of your life at farmers markets

We provide an extensive interview process in which we learn what ways this has had long term impacts on you as a person. Oftentimes, our office sees children like this start indie rock bands themselves – even as early as middle school. In fact, many have superiority complexes that stay with them throughout their adult lives. Upon hearing the sounds of “Summerteeth” or “Yankee Foxtrot Hotel” multiple times a child begins to create a God complex, believing that all other children have inferior music taste. And if this is combined with a Yo La Tengo album? The consequences will be life-long.

If any of this sounds like you or a loved one, please reach out immediately. We understand that being an adult Wilco fan is one thing, but being born into a Wilco family is another. When you scream “THE ASHTRAY SAYS YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT” at the age of ten, you inevitably begin to embody a sad Dad – ending up in a swirl pool of emotional depth you could only pretend to imagine while playing air guitar. Your Vans-wearing Dad of the indie-rock persuasion may have introduced you to a form of Twee you can never escape.

Contact our office at: 753 Mermaid Avenue

Toddler Left In Parked Cybertruck Dies of Embarrassment

BY JUSTIN GORDON-COOPER 

LOS ANGELES — Tragedy struck Southern California Wednesday night when a toddler was discovered dead inside a Tesla Cybertruck from an apparent case of massive embarrassment after being seen in such an abomination, sources confirmed.

“I really thought she was old enough to handle it,” said Charles Hazel, the girl’s father. “Her mother and I had the talk with her. We said, if you’re feeling embarrassed, just get out of the Cybertruck and talk about all the cool features it has. We let her know that people will stop pointing and laughing as soon as you show them the state-of-the-art cooling system and the badass automatic glove compartment. I can’t help but think this all could have been avoided if she’d watched the YouTube breakdowns about the creative design features of the truck instead of staring at cartoons all day. I tried explaining that Elon’s ideas can sometimes seem a little out there at first. But if he says the Cybertruck is cool, I think it’s our duty to accept that blindly.”

Officials around Los Angeles are warning parents to be as safe as possible when asking their children to ride in a Cybertruck.

“This latest tragedy has been tough on all of us. When we found her, it was clear she’d been trying to hide her face inside her ‘Bluey’ t-shirt,” said Detective Mike Sanchez at the briefing press conference. “But this is the definition of an open and shut case. She was a perfectly healthy child before entering the Cybertruck and it’s easy to see her parents are complete losers. This kid was never given a fair chance. We always tell parents, they should really think twice about leaving their children in Cybertrucks — especially during summer — when people are out and about, looking for ugly things to laugh at.”

Clarence Withers, an LA county coroner, believes there could be more to the Cybertruck’s lethal embarrassment than authorities are letting on.

“I see two or three of these trucks every day driving around the city. We’re talking weapons grade levels of ugly here. I don’t want to dive too deep into the conspiracy well, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some kind of aesthetic warfare deployed by a foreign enemy. All I’m saying is I’ve been doing this job a long time and the scale of pure, unadulterated embarrassment on the faces of these cadavers is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Ask yourself this: could a design this grotesque have been conjured up by one pathetic man? I just don’t see it.”

While the toddler’s parents say they will not get rid of the vehicle, they have spoken to lawyers about potential negligence inside Tesla’s design department.

Modern Day Miracle? These Five Friends in Their 30s Found a Saturday They All Have Free To Hang Out

BY JAMES KNAPP

There have been plenty of reported miracles throughout the course of human history, ranging from Christ’s resurrection after his crucifixion at the hands of the Romans to the time when a bolt of acid lightning from the heavens finally killed Pol Pot.

However, some miracles are so unfathomably rare and awe-inspiring that they bust through the cynical veil of non-believers by presenting them a situation that cannot possibly be anything besides divine intervention: five 30-something human beings, some of whom have actual children, all found a shared Saturday where none of them have any obligations.

Yes, we know, please don’t faint from incredulity just yet. You read right. That’s an entire Saturday that these five friends had free from work responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, lunch plans with their in-laws, and whatever stupid things their dumb little wiener kids would have tried to drag them to. None of that! Praise the lord!

Reports indicate that at the time of the miracle’s discovery, a beam of light shot forth from the friends’ shared Google calendar and the three friends who weren’t busy meal prepping for the week at that moment gazed on in awe as they realized that they all had a Saturday, a mere nine weeks away, where none of them had any plans. The other two friends were later told about the beam of light and agreed that it sounded pretty cool.

As anyone else who has had to leave their youth to vanish rapidly in the rearview window of their lives knows, being over 33 years old guarantees that you will never again be spontaneously capable of doing whatever you want with four other people you actually enjoy forever. Thus, this modern-day miracle is being heralded by whatever Pope we’ve gotta deal with right now as “a clearer sign of divine intervention than if my bitch mother-in-law shut her judgemental face hole for even a second.” That’s a direct Pope quote there.

While the friends all appear to agree that they’ll make the most of this once in a lifetime free group Saturday, unfortunately, they’ll be even busier going forward as they’ll have to start going to church on Sundays again. But hey, that’s the cost of miracles, apparently. Hail Satan!

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Man Running Through Convention Center Shouting for Lost Child Really Killing It in Heavy Rain Cosplay

BY NICK COFFMAN

SAN DIEGO — A committed cosplayer is making waves at this year’s Comic-Con. The unidentified cosplayer has spent much of the event running around the San Diego Convention Center, shouting for his missing son. Convention attendees are hailing it as the best Heavy Rain cosplay ever.

“AIDEN! AIDEN! WHERE ARE YOU, AIDEN!” the cosplayer shouted, nearly in tears. “AIDEN CAN YOU HEAR ME? AIDEN? AIDEN? ADIEN!!”

Attendees lucky enough to spot the cosplayer on the convention floor have been deeply moved by his performance, with some stating that his wails of pain feel authentic and downright scary.

“Sure, he should be yelling Shaun and not Aiden, but he’s so convincing that I’m willing to forgive the mistake,” said one convention attendee . “He even ramped things up to another level by pulling up a picture of his son on his phone and showing it to me. He’s committed to the character.”

The unidentified cosplayer gave a masterclass as he continued the crowd work portion of his performance.

“You! Have you seen this child? He’s ten. About four feet tall. Loves his PlayStation. Have you seen him” the cosplayer asked a member of the crowd who shook their head in response.

He continued the same line of questioning with each member of the crowd, each one shaking their head with a gleeful smile.

“He’s like a living breathing Ethan Mars,” said one attendee.

“I really need to give Heavy Rain another go,” stated another member of the crowd.

The crowd continued to grow as the man’s performance powered on.

“WON’T ANY OF YOU HELP ME? PLEASE HELP? MY BABY BOY IS MISSING. AIDEN. AIDEN WHERE ARE YOU,” The cosplayer shouted as he made his way across the convention floor with the crowd on his heels.

At press time, all presentations were postponed so presenters could catch a glimpse of this amazing cosplayer’s performance.

The 10 Gamer Commandments

BY JOHNNY AMIZICH 

Gaming is as big as it’s ever been and more accessible as it’s ever been. More people than ever before are playing video games but just because one plays video games does not mean they are a gamer. For you see there are certain rules, nay, directives that one must follow in order to be considered a True Gamer™. Coming from the most divine of sources, it is this most sacred of holy text that separates the filthy casual scrubs from the real gamers. These are the 10 Gamer Commandments.

Thou Shalt Not Give False Player Reports

Anytime you have a Heated Gaming Moment and don’t emerge victorious the temptation to accuse the person who bested you of cheating or otherwise playing dishonorably. Swallow your pride, and accept that sometimes there is a sweatier gamer than you. Besides, we all know it was due to lag anyway.

Thou Shalt Not Team Kill

We’ve all been there. You really wanted the sniper and someone else picks it up before you can, and now the whole match is at stake. It would be so simple to just walk up behind them and toss a grenade or unload your magazine on them, and take what is rightfully yours. Just know that in so doing you are not only further lowering the chances of winning the match, but also tarnishing your very soul.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Your Neighbor’s Gaming Rig

Picture this: A friend posts a picture of their new PC build on Discord. How do you react? Do you glance sidelong at your own aging rig, with its sagging GPU and well worn inputs, and long for something else? Something new? Resist the temptation to judge yourself against what others have, be grateful to be a PC gamer at all. Remember, some people are still forced to play on consoles.

Thou Shalt Have No Other Hobbies or Interests Before Games

Video games aren’t just a hobby, or a pleasant way to spend your free time. They are a way of life. True Gamers™ understand that nothing is more important in life than gaming, and they won’t let anything get in their way or prevent them from exercising their Gamer Rights. Family, romantic entanglements, basic hygiene. These are just a few of the devils you must vanquish to remain true to The Gamer Path.

Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord GabeN’s Name in Vain

Gabe Newell, patron Saint of Gamers, may live a life that consists of collecting large knives and even larger yachts, but in his heart of hearts he is no different than you or I. If ever you question his revered status just ask: Is your Steam library not overflowing? Is the Steam Deck not an elegant solution to the decades long problem of not being able to comfortably game while you’re on the can? Ask these, then take solace in knowing the answer to both is a resounding “Yes!”, and praise his name.

Thou Shalt Keep The Steam Sale Holy

The Steam Sale A.K.A. Gamer Holy Days are both revered and feared by gamers. Revered for the incredible value GabeN’s Grace delivers unto us, and feared because though we may wish to tithe our entire salary though it may leave us destitute. But at least we finally own a copy of Rust that we will definitely install and play.

Honor Thy Kojima And Thy Miyamoto

We are not worthy to look upon the visages of these two great men, let alone share the same world as them. Know their names and study their works. Every game that was, every game that is, and every game that shall be has been touched by their influence. We are merely dirt beneath their feet.

Suffer Not a Woman’s Video Game Opinions

Women don’t play games. Any woman who tells you that they enjoy playing games is a liar and can’t be trusted. If by some miracle you are able to get a woman to speak to you, let alone speak to you about video games, know that they are playing a solo game of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” where everything is made up, and the things they say don’t matter.

Thou Shalt Not Use Summons In Souls Games

“But Miyazaki said summons were fine,” Did he, or was he speaking in coded language only True Gamers™ can comprehend? Oh, how easily some of you have been fooled. Miyazaki-san was testing you, and you failed.

Thou Shalt Not Enjoy Playing Video Games

True Gamers™ know that gaming isn’t about having fun, it’s about ensuring the people who make the games you play understand how much better of a job you could have done if you’d been the one calling the shots.