Hard Digest July 25: Early Access Harsh Noise, North Korea, Five Finger Death Punch, and More

Harsh Noise Show Audience Unaware Fire Alarm Has Been Going off Past 45 Minutes

BY JOE RUMRILL 

BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — All 12 attendees of a sold-out harsh noise show were reportedly oblivious to the blaring fire alarm meant to notify them the building was on fire, sources confirmed amidst the uproar.

“What can I say, I was lost in the ever-lovin’ sonic swamp,” said an audience member who, when asked their name, simply said “Cardboard.” “It’s a testament to how hard the dude onstage was entrancing us that we all didn’t realize the room was filled with smoke, and the beeps of the fire alarm went along so well with the beeps of the carbon monoxide detectors he was using up there. Oh, and I figured all the people asphyxiating around me were an experimental theater element, which I was super into. Might steal it for my own project, honestly, if it’s up for grabs.”

The artist onstage, called Sheathed Regions (real name Brian Symmonds), is jealous of the attention the fire received.

“Goddamn, man. This is the one time I forget to pack the fire extinguishers I usually blast for my big crescendo at the 50-minute mark. I can’t believe today of all days is when I go to have them refilled. Uh, yeah, let’s just say you could tell this show was on a Monday,” joked Symmonds through gritted teeth. “But, on a more serious note, this was my only show for the next few months, so I’m pretty peeved that this so-called ‘deadly blaze’ stole my thunder like that. Glad to be safe and all, but I really could have used the stage time. Even though the fire engulfed the stage a few minutes ago.”

Chief William Lister, a first responder from the Bloomfield Fire Station, revealed how he got to the scene so quickly.

“I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t even here because of the blaze going on, I was already in the crowd because I’m a closet noise freak. When I learned of the fire, my instinct was saving all the limited edition 7”s from the merch table before my common sense kicked in and I began moving the other folks out of the building in an orderly fashion,” said Kramer. “The other guys down at the station just don’t understand, but there’s something about the blaring beeps, screeching and honks that speaks to me on a gut level. I’m glad this weird-ass niche interest paid off and saved some lives.”

At press time, it was revealed that the headlining act had planned on demolishing the venue anyway as their “salute to Hanatarash.”

Quiz: Are You Horny for Pornography or Just Really Scared About North Korea and Would Like To Distract Yourself for a Few Minutes?

BY GRIFFIN CONSTANT

As tensions across the globe rise into unprecedented levels of intense technological advancement mixed with the takedown of free will of any kind, we might find ourselves in a constant waking state of terror, basically all of the time. Everyone copes with this stress differently and I don’t know about you but being forced to sit idle while our entire country willingly elects a dictator with unruly prison camp plans, several ongoing global conflicts, and North Korea constantly coming in at the perfect time to really push our fear to the absolute edge, makes me want to edge a different way.

During these times of existential fear, one might concern themselves with their pornography consumption, but fear not, this quiz will let you know for sure, whether you’re just horny for pornography or just really scared about North Korea and would like to distract yourself for a few minutes so you can briefly just forget about the whole thing.

Question 1: When was the first time you watched cartoon pornography? If it so happens to be when we first learned that Kim and Putin had signed a treaty stating that in the event of an invasion of Russia or North Korea, the “other party shall provide military and other assistance without delay by all means at its disposal in accordance with Article 51 of the U.N. Charter”.

Yes: you are totally spooked, just like me, it’s okay!

No: Please read the news once in a while, pervert.

Question 2: Did you just so happen to start watching a “film” about a naughty boy getting spanked and wanked by his big breasted step mother after you got a news alert to your phone that North Korea plans to deploy troops to aid Russia with Ukraine’s takedown? Did you finish anyway and cry later without any discernible reason?

Yes: You’re concerned. This is the only coping mechanism you have without a serious drug relapse.

No: This is the first you’re hearing about this whole North Korea thing, and now you’re watching the one where the stepmom is stuck in the dryer.

Question 3: Do you find yourself alternating between live news updates and Pornhub faster than North Korea switches between threats and demands for sanctions relief?
Yes: Yep, your thumb has developed carpal tunnel from the constant app-switching, I recommend getting yourself a dual-monitor system set up for maximum efficiency.

No: Again, I simply plead with you to read the news once in a while. If you have been, you’d be seeking distractions like this as well!

Remember, whether you’re stockpiling canned goods or downloading terabytes of content for your spank bunker, we’re all just trying to survive the potential apocalypse. Maybe invest in a better VPN before the next international crisis hits. After all, America’s next supreme leader might be taking the freedom to “distract ourselves” away nationwide pretty soon.

Five Finger Death Punch Merch Table Doubles as Army Recruitment Booth

BY DAN KOZUH

LAS VEGAS — Heavy metal band Five Finger Death Punch recently transformed their merchandise table into a fully functioning Army recruitment center, sources close to the band report.

“We noticed that people who listen to our music seem to skew towards either ‘already in the armed forces’ or ‘considering joining.’ Fans attending our concerts can now pick up a shirt and enlist in the U.S. Army—all in one convenient stop,” Ivan Moody, lead vocalist for the band stated. “Why not give our fans a chance to show their love for their country in the most direct way possible? We will actually have buses waiting to take them to basic training straight from the show. It’s better that way, so they don’t have time to rethink their decision after the energy of the concert wears off.”

Some fans have expressed discomfort with the increasingly militarized atmosphere at the shows.

“I knew that their music pandered to military guys, but this is too far. The opening act was some guy in camos just talking about all the cool guns we’d get to use and how the Army will give us a sense of purpose and duty,” complained one concert-goer, who preferred to remain anonymous. “I bought a poster and when they handed me the credit card receipt to sign I realized it was seven pages long and conscripted me to military service for a year. That seems fucked up to me.”

Experts have found this experiment disturbing, but not at all surprising.

“Five Finger Death Punch leans heavily into military themes in their music and imagery. This collaboration just takes that support to the next level,” noted Dr. Emily Greene, a professor of Media and Military Studies at UNLV. “Recruitment is painfully low so the Army is doing anything they can to bolster its numbers. However, using music venues as recruitment grounds blurs the line between entertainment and enlistment in ways that could exploit the fanbase’s enthusiasm. Most of these kids don’t know what ‘Got Your Six’ even means.”

As people continue to debate the appropriateness of this partnership, Five Finger Death Punch have already announced that going forward all of their mosh pits will be under the strict control of a drill sergeant.

More From The Hard Times:

Every Album From Rancid’s Side Projects Ranked Worst to Best

Twisters Review: Why Did This Guy Sit Next to Me?

He Didn’t Even Have the Decency to Be Glen Powell

BY MATT FRESH

“Atornado rating, it’s not based on size or wind speed – it’s based on damage”. These are words spoken by self-proclaimed tornado wrangler Tyler Owens late in the second act of Twisters, the stand-alone follow up to 1996’s Twister. Those words cut to the heart of the film’s themes of overcoming trauma and facing your fears, two things I had to do while watching the film as for some unknown reason some guy decided to sit right next to me in the theater.

Above all Twisters is a film made for the theatrical experience and it’s a wonderful reminder that movies are in fact better on the big screen, in a theater with others. As Glen Powell’s sugar daddy and everyone’s favorite Xenu worshiper Tom Cruise would say, “big movie, big screen, loved it.” But there’s no reason this man had to sit in the seat right next to me. The theater wasn’t empty but there were plenty of empty seats he could have taken that were further away from me. The movie theater functions on urinal rules, everyone knows this except for this one man apparently.

It can never really be overstated how great it is to witness the spectacle of a film like Twisters at the cinema. The awe inspiring destructive beauty of the tornadoes, the heart beneath it all, the moments of humor and the glorious F5 of charisma that is Glen Powell are the things the multiplex was made for. What they are not made for however is to be seated next to an inconsiderate slob who purposefully sits next to random strangers when he doesn’t have to, spills popcorn everywhere, takes his shoes off and vaguely resembles someone from high school. 

As I sat there, completely mesmerized by the classic blockbuster filmmaking that director Lee Isaac Chung, all that went through my mind was this guy, sitting next to me and all the empty seats he could have taken and why he seems determined to usurp the middle armrest from me. If he wanted two armrests he should have taken one of the dozens of lone seats available, he chose to sit next to me, he doesn’t get the armrest too. I could have sat right next to people as well but I didn’t because I’m a civilized person with manners, as were the other six people in the theater who were there by themselves, which by the way doesn’t make us lonely.

Now it’s not like I’m some weirdo hermit who never makes contact with other people but the whole reason I go to movies on Tuesday matinees is because not only is it cheaper which allows me to continue buying Starbucks and avocado toast but because there’s less people. If it was a full theater okay fine I understand but it wasn’t. This man went online to book his tickets, saw all the empty seats and consciously chose to buy the seat right next to me. If there’s another political assassination attempt, this guy is your number one suspect because he’s clearly not right in the head.

Sure I could have moved and part of me wanted to go to another seat as fast as one of the magnificent twisters that are beautiful realized by the films special effects but this was a seat in the very middle row and I am more stubborn than the rogue piece of popcorn that got caught in this guy’s hair and refused to fall. I bought my seat first, he should have moved. 

After almost 2 hours of watching hot charismatic people chase giant vortexes of destruction out of the corner of my eye as I gave this man the death stare for his baffling life choices I realized something. As he accidentally spilled his drink while marking out over the 10 second Paul Scheer cameo, I realized that he wasn’t a man, he was an angel of darkness sent by the gods to punish my misdeeds.

Twisters: ★★☆☆☆

Web Comic Investigated for Complete Lack of Jokes

BY CHARLES BILL

WASHINGTON — Fans of laughter rejoice, as the FCC has launched an investigation into the webcomic “Level Down” for complete lack of jokes.

“This webcomic has never successfully landed a punchline,” said FCC chair Jessica Rosenworcel. “In the description of the comic the author claims the comic has ‘fun jokes, sarcasm, and pop culture references.’ So, to us, this is a classic case of false advertisement. Sure, Level Down has a ton of sarcasm and pop culture references, but any humor is completely missing. We brought in dozens of independent observers to read the comic’s archive and no one cracked a smile. We haven’t seen anything like this since our investigation into Penny Arcade.”

Level Down’s author Phillip Gore spoke harshly in response to the allegations against their work of creative excrement.

“Sorry the FCC doesn’t understand internet humor,” said the profoundly unfunny Gore in a room surrounded by Funko Pops. “I’ve got a crazy cast of characters who all have distinct personalities. You have the sarcastic game developer Grover, the sardonic web developer Tu-Tu, the frequently facetious app developer Ponyo, and of course the gorgeous Tyla, an endearingly snide Javascript expert. In this comic, Grover turns right to the audience and asks how this other character, who shares an opposing opinion to my own, could be so stupid. To the audience! Like in Deadpool!”

Defenders of Level Down cite that its cringeworthy non-humor is simply meeting the industry standard.

“People should not expect jokes from a humor webcomic,” explained President of Webcomics Artist United Dante Montez. “We find it’s much easier to just create a thinly-veiled self-insert character that is much more attractive than the artist in real life. Now that’s entertainment. People come to these comics for the terrible art and predictable, inhuman sounding dialogue. If we took that away, what would we have? Something worth reading? Maybe. But for some reason they keep filling up our Patreons regardless.”

At press time, the new Level Down comic was posted on /r/comics and any users criticizing it were swiftly banned.