Hard Digest July 24: Early Access Grateful Dead, Punctuality, Budweiser Frogs, and More

Only Two Punctual People in Friend Group Sick of Hanging Out With One Another

BY CHARLES BILL 

DETROIT — Paula Thorne and Jesse Riggins, the only two frequently on-time people in a friend group, are reportedly absolutely sick of hanging out with one another for hours while they wait for everyone else to show up, sources who were running a bit late confirmed.

“Shit, Jesse is going to be here any minute,” said the always-five-minutes-early Paula Thorne. “We have a group of 10-plus friends that hang out every week to play board games or do trivia, and it’s always at 7:30. Fucking Jesse and I are the only ones who show up then and I have to talk to him about model trains, the trip he took to Japan six years ago, and his VHS horror movie collection. I feel like it’s the same thing each time and I’ve exhausted every possible thing to say about them. He’s a friend of a friend of a former roommate and I have to make awkward small talk about my dog and hockey until someone I actually like shows up in half an hour. God damnit, here he is.”

The consistently late members of the friend group seemed to have no clue about the tension.

“It’s so nice of them to hold the table for 30 to 40 minutes until a third member of the group shows up,” said eternally tardy Tyler Wendt. “When I roll up a little past eight they’re always looking at their phones so it’s not like they’re bored or anything. I’m just glad I was able to combine my friend groups and now there are two people in the group who can nab us a good spot. I once tried to get to an event early once, but ended up being the very last person there. I’ll never try that again.”

Although most of the group’s lateness can be seen as disrespectful, it is apparently an essential quality to have.

“Never show up on time,” explained sociologist Rhea Quigley. “Every grouping needs to have a couple suckers who have to chit-chat and arrive on time, don’t be that sucker. It’s a game of brinkmanship where every person should be trying to arrive as late as possible to minimize the amount of time they have to talk to any one person. That’s why I show up two hours late to lectures I have to present.”

At press time, the two punctual friends did shots to be able to better stand one another after half of the group canceled on them a few minutes before they were supposed to show up.

We Caught up with the Budweiser Frogs Because We’re Curious About the Ravaging Effects of Alcohol on Amphibians

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

Look around, notice anything? ‘90s nostalgia is in full effect, and nothing says “‘90s” like classic Budweiser commercials. We wanted to find out how these icons of the past are getting along nearly 30 years later so we sat down with drinking legends Bud, Weis, and Er to talk all things party, but their haggard appearance, slurred speech, and putrid body odor became so unbearable we felt ethically obligated to redirect the conversation to focus on the ravaging impact of alcohol on amphibians.

The Hard Times: I can’t believe you guys are still around. I remember watching you in the 1995 Super Bowl commercial.
Bud: We should be nearing the end of our days, but the copious amount of alcohol we consumed caused a genetic mutation that’s more than tripled our life expectancy. It sounds great to some, but it’s more of a “Tuck Everlasting” situation. All my old drinking buddies are either dead or sober, so I’m stuck with Weis and Er until I inevitably freeze to death at the bottom of a pond.

HT: Wow, that’s certainly less glamorous than the commercials made it seem. How has life post-limelight been for you?
Weis: Great at first. Free drinks and any girl I wanted in the marsh, but nothing gold can stay.

HT: What happened?
Weis: One of the main ways we attract female mates is through pheromones. Before I started hitting the bottle, I had an irresistible musk. A perfect mix of flora and fauna emanated off my clammy skin, but years of partying have made me smell like an old bar rag. I haven’t had sex since the Clinton administration. And masturbation is incredibly painful for me, I’m so fucked up right now man I pray a bird eats me.

HT: Have you ever thought about stepping away from boozing and rebranding with a less self-destructive image?
Bud: Of course, but nobody wants a refurbished frog. The damage is done. Quitting at this point would be like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.

HT: Do you have any hopes for the future?
Er: A few months ago my wife asked me to carry some eggs on my back so she could go out and do some shopping, but I got blasted and must’ve dropped them somewhere in the reeds. It would be a dream to find them someday and meet my 5,000 children.

HT: Is it safe to say you’ve stepped away from the silver screen?
Bud: Yes, but not so much by choice. We were approached to do a remake of a commercial from 2011, but we were so hammered we kept spelling out “Weis-Bud-Er.” We cost the studio so much time and money in retakes that they eventually sent us home and had it dubbed over with a professional voice actor.

HT: Any advice for future drinkers?
Er: The good times don’t last, but the alcohol-induced ectoparasites do.

Grateful Dead T-Shirt Designer Finally Out of Kickass Things for a Skeleton to Do

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BY CAMDEN BRAZILE | JULY 25, 2024

BEACON, N.Y. — A longtime apparel designer for classic rock stalwarts The Grateful Dead admitted they recently exhausted all possibilities for rad things a skeleton can do, sources confirmed amidst guitar noodling.

“I’m as surprised as the next guy that it’s possible to hit such a brick wall with the rich, florid, seemingly endless topic of ‘skeleton does some cool shit,’ but here I am with egg on my face and my foot in my mouth. Oh, maybe a skeleton with its foot in its mouth– nah, that’s crap. God damn, I’m stumped!” opined frazzled Grateful Dead merchandise designer Gerard Hammelstone. “It might just have to be ‘back to the bears’ for me. At least they come in different bright colors. I’ll let the Iron Maiden folks have skeletons for a bit as I go off and refresh artistically. It’s time I rest my bones, instead of figuring out a way to make other bones wakeboard or some shit.”

Iron Maiden T-shirt designer Hailee Stockdale was unable to hide her pleasure at Hammelstone’s artist’s block.

“Well well well, the big dog’s finally out of new tricks, huh? It was only a matter of time, really. Drawing human skeletons wailing on flying-V or zooming a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon is a young person’s game, I’ve always said. The guy should just retire, and enjoy all his Sphere merch booth money,” said Stockdale, in the middle of a design where Eddie was juggling chainsaws. “Leave the innovation to me, and to a lesser extent, the Social Distortion people, although they’re really just content in riding the wave the ‘martini and cigarette’ idea earned them. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had thought of that.”

The ghost of original Dead frontman Jerry Garcia, graciously offered a statement regarding Hammelstone’s slump.

“Hey, man, Gerard’s just gotta mellow out, crank up some tunes, and allow the cosmos to guide the sick skeleton artwork flowing from his pencil. I asked Mozart and Rembrandt how they’d go about it, and that’s exactly what they said. Good dudes, good dudes,” said Garcia’s ghost, surrounded by a haze of weed smoke, empty nitrous oxide tanks, and heavenly aura. “Anyway, I can’t talk long, I’ve gotta go meet the rest of Heaven’s band for a meeting about letting in new members. Joe C has been lobbying to get in since 2002, remember him? I think this just may be his year, too. We could use a nice shake-up.”

At press time, Hammelstone was seen at a local graveyard with a shovel with the intent of “digging for some inspiration.”

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Cybertruck Already Recalled in Fortnite

BY JOHNNY AMIZICH 

CARY, N.C. — After players reported multiple issues when attempting to use the vehicle, the Tesla Cybertruck has been recalled in Fortnite after barely a day of being in the game.

“I was in a firefight and ran out of ammo so I got into a Cybertruck that was nearby, but as soon as it hit a gentle incline it began to roll backwards, right into the path of the player I was trying to run from, and those windows definitely are not bullet proof,” TokinGamer420 said on X – The Everything App, “I thought maybe it was a glitch, but I got into another one in the next round and it exploded as soon as I tried accelerating.”

Elon Musk, avid gamer and noted absentee father, posted on X about the issue.

“Concerning,” Musk replied to one gamer’s post, “Looking into it!” He followed up on the same post before writing on his timeline, “Whoever Epic put in charge of adding the Cybertruck to Fortnite had to be yet another DEI hire, this is why the woke mind virus must be eradicated.”

Multiple Cybertruck fans were quick to rush to the defense of the much maligned vehicle, echoing Musk’s sentiments that DEI hiring policies and “wokeness” must be the culprits.

“LMAO anyone who believes this is just falling for woke propaganda. I’ve owned a Cybertruck since day one and the only time it hasn’t worked properly is whenever I try and drive it anywhere. Sorry libtards, no one is falling for your lies,” TeslaFanBoi posted on X – The Everything App.

“Fortnite allows you to play as a nongendered banana, is it surprising that they would try and make Elon look bad?,” DogeCoinMuskFan said in a reply to Musks’ own post.

At press time, three players were seen trying to push a Cybertruck out of a mud puddle while their fourth floored the accelerator in vain.

Financially Conservative Gamer Votes to Cut Funding to Steam Library

BY NICK COFFMAN 

ST. LOUIS — Following a Steam Summer Sale that was devastating to his wallet, local gamer, Nathan Colins vowed to cut spending on his Steam library.

The newly self-proclaimed financial conservative committed to these funding cuts during his latest Twitch stream.

“I took all my credit cards off of Steam. The frivolous spending has gotten out of hand,” Colin admitted while browsing his Steam library of over 3000 titles. “Why in God’s name did I buy the entire Freddi Fish collection? I am never going to play that. Ok, actually I might play Case of the Stolen Conch Shell some day, but the rest of the collection is just wasteful spending.”

Colins continued to question his spending as he worked his way down his massive collection of Steam games. It all led to a moment of madness when the now responsible gamer started to consider all the practical things the money could have been spent on. 

“Animal Well? Dredge? Hollow Knight? I could have spent all that money on early access for College Football 25,” Colins said, wincing in pain with every unplayed title he passed in his library. “I could have been investing this money toward the Fortnite Crew pack, or buying some sweet COD skin. Why did I buy all these snobby indie games? Never again, I tell you. Never again.”

Colin’s new lease on life was quickly challenged when he opened up the Steam store for the first time since committing to his new financial policies.

“Oh no. The ‘Games You’ll Play Once and Never Touch Again Fest’ just started,” Colins lamented as he browsed some of the deals. “Spyro Reignited Trilogy is only twenty bucks. Ripto’s Rage is worth that price alone. No, Nathan! Must not give in. Must not show weakness. Must commit to being financially responsible.”

At press time, Colins tearfully pulled out his wallet to enter his credit card information back into Steam. 

Meet the Most Qualified Politicians That Can Be Kamala Harris’s Running Mate

BY GARY KERLS 

The impending U.S. Presidential election is gearing up to be one for the history books. In the midst of Joe Biden dropping, current VP Kamala Harris is primed to take over as the Democratic nominee but the American people are unsure of who will be on the ballot with her come November. This uncertainty is undoubtedly cause for concern, but the best we can do as dutiful citizens is to educate ourselves with every potential candidate. These are the most qualified politicians that are ready to be her running mate. 

Mayor Max III from Idyllwild, Calif.

Since the 1890s there have only been two US President’s to not have a White House dog. The coveted canine position is nearly as vital as the Vice Presidency, and Mayor Max III comes from a lineage of celebrated city mayors. Max’s endless energy and healthy golden coat is exactly what Harris needs after 4 years of Sleepy Joe.

Mayor Parker the Snow Dog from Georgetown, CO.

This paw-gressive has been a staunch climate change advocate since the beginning. Protecting Colorado’s gorgeous Rocky Mountain peaks and being an integral voice in the anti-firework movement. Some have criticized Mayor Parker’s commitment to the job, citing frequent ski trips, but compared to Trump’s golf outings, Parker’s excursions are a walk in the park. 

Mayor Banjo from Gulfport, FL

Aside from being an inspiration to disabled dogs across the country, Banjo has worked tirelessly since being elected for the betterment of Gulfport, Florida. Drawing comparisons to FDR, Banjo has similarly implemented a ‘Chew Deal’ that is expected to jump-start Gulfport’s treat economy. 

NYC Honorary Dog Mayor Sally Long Dog

While man’s best friend seems like a great candidate on paper, not all get unanimous bipartisan support.  Mayor Sally Long Dog ran a successful campaign under the controversial stance that NYC streets must continue to smell like pee for the sake of the city’s pups. Many New Yorkers spoke up in opposition of this agenda but eventually conceded after seeing those puppy dog eyes.

Mayor Brooks from St. Andrews, FL

In trying to be as transparent as possible, there is something that needs to be said regarding Mayor Brooke. Last week, during a campaign rally, Brooke bit an audience member who asked her to shake a paw. Both parties are unharmed and the Mayor is extremely regretful of her actions. But isn’t that the American Dream? Being knocked down by the consequences of your actions just to get right back up and keep going? Mayor Brooke is an inspiration to politicians everywhere, and would make an excellent Vice President.  

Mayor Fern from Divide, CO

After a stellar two terms by former mayor, Clyde the Donkey, Fern the Australian Shepard Mix had big shoes to fill. Since her election earlier this year, belly rubs have been up 30% and crime has trended down. Fern was the first mayor in Divide history to hold a town hall with the zoomies, and she was also one of the few animal politicians to condemn Kristi Noem.