Hard Digest July 23: Early Access Funerals, Quiznos, Cornholio, and More

Goth’s Funeral Attendees Unsure of Which Hearse to Follow

BY DREW GIGIS 

TACOMA, Wash. — Mourners attending the funeral for local goth legend Joshua Proach, also known as Alistair Nightfall, weren’t sure which of the several hearses was the correct one hauling the deceased to the cemetery, confused sources confirmed.

“Josh and I were really close growing up having lived just three doors down from each other, but we kind of grew apart after I started focusing on sports and he got really into The Cure and started wearing cloaks,” said childhood friend Vince Wheaton. “I thought it was pretty weird when I saw seven hearses leaving for the cemetery going multiple directions, so it took me a little bit of extra time to get there. What’s even stranger was that several of these goth attendees appeared to have brought their own crow from home. They were all somehow domesticated too.”

The hearse owners at the funeral, including Lukas “Midnight” Albright, made pit stops on the way to the grave site causing many members of the precession to take the wrong route.

“I realized I had forgotten my black umbrella at my living quarters and I couldn’t properly mourn my associate of darkness without it. I never leave home without that thing,” said Albright. “I did feel bad for the mainstreams that trailed behind me, but that’s life, it’s all mundane pain and misery until the red thread of suffering comes to an end. Besides, I thought it was pretty clear which hearse to follow, but that might be because I always instinctively know which vehicle has a dead body in it.”

Mortician Oliver Fredricks appeared to know some of the attendees as he greeted several of them by name.

“This particular ceremony was harder on me than most because I knew Mr. Nightfall fairly well, he and many of his friends frequently commiserate at the local cemetery,” explained Fredricks. “They’re incredibly respectful to the land so nobody really has a problem with it. The worst that has ever happened was we had to ask them to not chain smoke next to ongoing ceremonies. But generally, they voluntarily help shoveling the dirt onto the caskets, so I can’t complain.”

At press time, many attendees noted that while getting to the cemetery may have been a chore, finding the grave site was made easy due to the tombstone being a life-size statue of Brandon Lee from “The Crow.”

We Interviewed Folk Punk Icons the Messed up Looking Hamsters From the Quiznos Commercial

BY JAMES KNAPP 

Remember The Spongmonkeys? Sure you do, they were those two fucked up-looking hamster things that convinced the world that toasting a sandwich was enough to make fast-sub chain Quiznos palatable and profitable, for a few years at least. And as with all deformed sloppy food mascots, the Spongmonkeys have had an insurmountable influence on the folk-punk scene. We decided to sit down with these abominations to figure out just, like, what the fuck is up with them?

The Hard Times: So a lot of people seem to think you two have had a huge influence on the folk-punk scene. But fuck talking about that – what the hell are you guys?

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: What do you mean? We’re an advertisement used to sell toasted subs made by an animator that got pushed over the edge.

HT: Makes sense. So you guys probably hate corporations and the government then, right?

Hamster That Can “Sing”: Nope. We just really love sandwiches.

HT: Really?

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: Sure. Listen to this song we wrote but never got a chance to use in the commercials.

Hamster That Can “Sing”: 🎶Ohhhhh… we love sandwiches, and doing heroin…🎶

HT: You know what? We got the jist of it. So you guys have been pretty influential on the folk-punk scene.

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: Oh we don’t really know nothing about that. We just know that Quiznos has a pepper bar!

Hamster That Can “Sing”: 🎶They got a pepper bar! My friends hate that I do heroin!🎶

HT: We gotta be honest, you guys aren’t exactly what we were expecting.

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: What exactly were you expecting after watching those commercials? Jesus, what in the fuck could anyone possibly be expecting after watching those commercials?

HT: Fair point. Until recently we believed you to just be a fever dream or acid flashback.

Hamster That Can “Sing”: Precisely. That’s why our main demographics have always been folk punks and people suffering from Quiznos-induced diarrhea.

HT: Neat! So what’s next for you two considering that Quiznos has been out of business for more than a decade?

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: We’re gonna sue the fuck out of those guys for royalties! We just look crazy, but we ain’t crazy enough to give up that cash!

45-Year-Old Man at Pool Has Cornholio-Impression Tan Line on Gut

BY JERROD KINGERY | JULY 24, 2024

DALLAS — Local 45-year-old Jeff Booker appeared to have a Cornholio-impression tan line on his abdomen, hinting that he regularly reenacts the famous alter ego from former MTV show “Beavis and Butthead” while outdoors, extremely confused sources confirmed.

“Booker does a killer Cornholio,” resident Wayne Peterson said between handfuls of Doritos. “It’s the highlight of the block parties every year. Booker spends so much time with his shirt over his head demanding ‘TP for his bunghole’ during the summer he’s got a sweet base tan on his lower stomach. None of the kids, teens, senior citizens, Boomers, 20 year olds, or even 30 year olds here have any fucking clue who the hell Cornholio is, but all the parents kind of get a kick out of it.”

Booker was almost positive his Beavis impression was a huge hit.

“I am the Great Cornholio! I’m a gringo! You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!” Booker said with his arms raised in the air. “But in all seriousness, this is one of the many impressions I do at parties. In the winter, I wear my blue beanie with the yellow poof and red coat, so I can do my Cartman impression at social gatherings. I used to actually do an impression of Butthead playing frog baseball, but that only freaked out everyone and it was hard getting a new frog before every party.”

Beavis’ and Butthead’s bizarre speech patterns made them instantly popular with kids and teens in the ‘90s.

“The Cornholio impression is a staple of a certain type of middle-aged white man raised in the suburbs,” according to pop culture historian Alyssa Rodriguez. “You’ll often see these men with their t-shirt necks around their heads and their arms aloft, asking onlookers if they are threatening them. Studies show it’s used as a comforting, socializing behavior. In fact, many of these so-called ‘Cornholio Teens’ evolved into ‘Borat Bros’ in the early 2000s. To this day many of them will code switch from worrying about getting ‘polio in their bungholio’ to loudly describing some odd characteristic about their ‘WIIIIIIIFFFFEE!’”

At press time, Booker was seen staring at a poolside barbecue pit, muttering “fire, fire!”

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Wokeness DESTROYED: No Women Will Attend Your Funeral

BY R. ANTHONY MAHAN 

YOUR HOMETOWN — Sources have confirmed that, despite the Left’s attempts to force “representation” and “equality” into everything, there will be no female characters shoehorned into your upcoming funeral.

“Oh, he died?” a female acquaintance of yours will reportedly say shortly after your untimely demise. “That’s so … I mean, of course it’s sad, I guess. He was always kind of … well, I didn’t want him to die. But I don’t, I mean, I can’t … work has just been crazy busy lately, you know?”

Upon the announcement of your future, long-time fans of the series will be afraid that it will be another lame DEI-fest made to pander to childless feminists who don’t even like funerals. But the fandom will rejoice when the full cast list is revealed, confirming that not a single woman will be affected by the fact that you have ceased to exist.

“I’m glad we can give the fans what they want. And I guess it’s what he would’ve wanted to,” funeral director Sherman White, one of the few men who will attend, will explain. “No female friends, no relatives. No lovers, but that part was easy. I’m even giving my female employees the day off, just to make sure there are no women in the building when it happens. I know how everyone in this hobby is sick of forced diversity. I want to be sure my business is taken seriously.”

While the internet is going to go wild about how great your anti-woke funeral will be, the funeral parlor will almost bow down to corporate pressure before going through with the proceedings. 

“I’ll be honest, I really thought we couldn’t pull it off at first,” White will admit. “Almost woman-free, sure, but what about his mother? She’d pretty much have to be there, and she’s kind of a woman, right? Fortunately, it all worked out in the end when she told me she wouldn’t attend. I guess she needed to mourn in her own personal way. Or just didn’t want to be there. Didn’t seem right to ask. She’s a grieving mother, for God’s sake.”

At press time, your funeral is currently scheduled for a November 2027 release.

How to Get a 20% Raise: Boss Fight Tips

BY BRENDAN OSORIO 

So, you’re looking to make more money? Do you think you deserve it? Are you sure? You better be, or you’ve already failed. Let’s walk through a few tactics you can employ to get yourself that healthy 20% raise you’re looking for. We’ll discuss confidence, negotiating, and timing out your boss’s movements so you can parry his attacks and do massive damage when he leaves an opening.

Preparation

It’s important to go into this as ready as you can be. Make sure you know exactly what you want to say and how to handle your boss in case they mix it up with some unexpected abilities or weapons. You have to know you deserve this raise and how much you’re worth ahead of time and you have to anticipate what they might say to throw you off. Bring with you some quick wits, health potions, and if you have time to explore Old Gregor Strombringer’s tomb, bring with you the Cursed Sword of the Baphomet. 

Start Strong and Don’t Relent

It’s important to get off to a good start with this type of negotiation. They say never be the first one to speak, and that’s usually true. It’s possible to get in some quick jabs while they’re monologuing or going on about cutbacks in the company’s budget. Nothing gets an encounter off on the right foot like dealing some early damage on your foe. 

If you do choose to speak first, just make sure you lay out how crucial you are to the company and how it’s important to you that the company shows they appreciate you with appropriate compensation. And if they refuse, counter by you’ll splitting your boss in two and taking their legendary armor hidden in a chest in their office.

Anticipate Tense Negotiation

Your boss may tell you things like, “We’re all a family here,” or, “My employees are more like friends than anything else,” but these are distractions and lies. Stay focused: your boss is your enemy here and possibly again two or three more times later in your career, bigger and scarier, and possibly with wings or big scary horns and fangs. 

They may counter with a number smaller than you had in mind or worse, they may not want to give you a raise at all. Worst case scenario, they’ll move into their second phase and possibly introduce an aerial threat or minions of some sort into the fight.

You have to stay on your toes and be prepared to counter back with evidence why you’re right and they’re wrong. Try and stagger them with your words so you can move in and get some big combos on them. If you’re lucky, you can just cheese them and beat that raise out of them without breaking a sweat.

The Big Finish

You’re almost there just keep the pressure on ‘em! Don’t relent. If they tell you they need some time to think about it, they’re lying. They’re just trying to buy them some time to pound a couple health potions or put up some sort of dome shield around themselves to block your attacks. Keep hitting them and try to maximize your damage output. You don’t leave that office until you’re making a king’s ransom or your boss lies dead beneath your feet.

You’ve timed their animations. You’ve studied all their moves. You’ve almost bled them completely dry. For every time they cut you with a, “No,” or an, “I need to talk it over with the board,” you hit them with a slice of your very big cursed sword. Really go to town on ‘em, they’ll give you what you want or die. 

Success!

Congratulations! If you’ve followed this guide correctly, you’ve either gotten that sweet 20% raise you set out for when you started reading this, or you’ve seized the means of destruction and defeated your boss in combat. Either way it’s a victory for you. Just remember to get that sick loot and watch out for any of your bosses remaining lackeys who may be bold enough to demand a raise themselves.

Stay tuned for our next guide, where we’ll discuss how to stop harassment in the workplace with violent retribution!