Hard Digest July 20th: Early Access Ted Nugent, Machine Gun Kelly, Joe Biden, and Morbid Angel

Ted Nugent Develops Gas-Powered Guitar As A Fuck You To Climate Activist Hippies

BY DREW GIGIS 

FARMINGTON, Mich. — Legendary rockstar, and noted climate change denier Ted Nugent excitedly unveiled the world’s first gas-powered guitar to stick it to the tree-hugging hippies, sources stated.

“Climate change is nothing but a scam, that’s why I decided to make this righteous ax that spews so much carbon it will open up a hole in the ozone layer anytime I play a solo. Think of it as a 25 horsepower middle finger to all those blue-haired communists,” said Nugent on his podcast which is sponsored by Exxon Mobil. “I wanted it to be as inefficient as possible, so this baby runs on diesel and unleaded at the same time for maximum pollution. I just wish I had thought of it sooner.”

The engineer who actually designed the purposeless guitar, Elliot Reese, had a different experience with the development process.

“This thing is an abomination. I only took on the project to hopefully make connections with artists I actually respect but, unfortunately, nobody wants anything to do with this psycho,” explained Reese. “It doesn’t actually make noise due to the diesel, but I put in a gas engine that just combusts and cranks out fumes to make it look ‘cool’ and destroy the atmosphere. It’s amazing I was even able to finish the guitar because every five minutes Ted would storm into the workshop and ask me if the ‘Six-string Sissy Killing Machine’ was done yet.”

Some Nugent fans like Travis Brooks, who witnessed the guitar’s debut at a Nashville show, didn’t let near-asphyxiation and carbon monoxide poisoning ruin his good time.

“I tell ya, even though he’s getting up there in age, the Nuge still puts on a kickass show!” Brooks said between hits of his oxygen tank. “The fumes started getting to me real bad right when he started playing ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ but that only made the experience a million times better, damn near religious. Anyone out here who thinks he’s some sort of environmental hazard is a fuckin’ pussy.”

At press time, Nugent decided to shift his focus on improving the air conditioning on his tour bus because of the extreme heat all over the country and remained completely oblivious to the irony.

Help! Someone Doodled on My Face and Now I Have to Open for Machine Gun Kelly

BY CHRIS BRATTON 

Inever thought I’d be a cautionary tale. But now I know you should never get blackout drunk in front of your old friends from high school who want to get wasted because our old buddy Louie got out of prison early on good behavior. Apparently when I blacked out my friends had a little fun at my expense by drawing dumb doodles on my face, but I had no idea until I grabbed the mail and a high-powered music producer stepped out of a limo.

He did that thing where he made his thumbs and pointer fingers into a rectangle and looked through. “Yes,” he shouted, made me sign a contract and handed me a fanny pack full of cocaine. And even though I am an engineer, I’m apparently the supporting act for Machine Gun Kelly’s next tour.

Nothing made sense. I asked my manager, whose name is Vito Money for some reason, what I should do and he told me my pre-arranged closest friend and confidant is Pete Davidson and I should go meet him at the Viper Room to get some perspective. But the only thing Pete wanted to talk about though was his beef with Kanye and hot Hollywood tail to which I kept responding, “no cap,” I was in too deep. I looked in the cocaine mirror on the table and realized I was wearing just a blazer and no shirt underneath.

I ran home in a blur, struggling under the weight of so many necklaces, with only monster energy drinks to hydrate. When I arrived, I found my wife drinking champagne with Kourtney Kardashian, discussing an upcoming collaboration where they would sell high end beauty products to which some of the proceeds would go to “poors.” My wife is an elementary school librarian!

I called the producer and told him, “I didn’t ask for this!” He replayed me saying it with a ton of reverb and two days later “I Didn’t Ask for This” was charting in the Billboard top 100. I have a doctorate and now I switch between singing emo break-up songs and doing that weird really fast white guy rap like there’s too much peanut butter in your mouth. It’s all so gross.

So let this be a lesson to you. The next time you are just trying to have a few beers and a few laughs with old friends, there can be consequences. I wish I could tell you more but I am on my way to a power lunch with Joe Jonas at The Rainforest Cafe.

Biden Touts Mental Acuity By Releasing Successfully Completed “Can You Spot The Difference?” Results From Highlights Magazine

BY ALEX VLAHOV

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden assured the nation of his cognitive faculties by publicly releasing his Highlights magazine “Can You Spot the Difference?” quiz results, confirmed sources who just wished he would step down already.

“Listen Jack, here’s the deal — there’s a fox hiding in that hay loft window. But over here in this other picture, he’s disappeared. And that’s no joke,” Biden said while pointing at the magazine and staring into the middle distance. “The fact is, the spots on the cow have shifted, folks. Bottom line is there are more apples on the ground, man. Anyone can see that. Look, that scarecrow coat has a whole new color. Trump wouldn’t be able to see these changes, just like how he failed to protect America, and that’s no foolin’.”

Biden’s physician Dr. Elliott McGarkle reaffirmed the President’s mental confidence.

“He’s been practicing and doing the Highlights magazine quizzes for months now, anticipating voter skepticism, but I think he’s in really great shape,” Dr. McGarkle shared in between very frequent visits to the Oval Office. “We have him on ashwagandha smoothies and are ensuring mental sharpness with his usual five-hour nap. Sure, he might have gotten a helpful hint from family here or there, but at least he circles the differences himself. Plus this is the only test his team will accept publicly releasing, so it’s really all we have to work with.”

Lyndsey Whittaker, the longtime White House Historian, put Biden’s announcement in context.

“There is actually a long American political tradition of using ‘Spot the Difference’ panels to boost one’s electability in a presidential race,” Whittaker shared from her windowless federal office. “Kennedy was known to sleep with both the inker and illustrator of Highlights magazine. Reagan could barely complete the quiz towards the end of his second term, while Clinton used interns for help. Trump surprised everyone by confidently claiming two images to be exactly the same, a historical first, but what’s surprising is how many people simply went along with it.”

At press time, Biden stirred doubt by refusing to release his completed “My Day at the Beach” themed word search.

Oh, You’re a Morbid Angel Fan? Name Three Ancient Sumerian Gods

BY STEVE PACKOSKY

Sick Formulas Fatal to the Flesh shirt, bro. You’re a Morbid Angel fan? Prove it by naming three ancient Sumerian gods. I’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.

The absolute nerve you displayed stepping out of the house like that. Did you think you wouldn’t be found out? So it’s suddenly OK to wear a Morbid Angel shirt while not even being able to name a single Anunnaki? You probably don’t even know that they’re the offspring of Ki and An, you uncultured swine. Educate yourself, for Christ’s sake.

“Oh, I just love the music.” Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, Pete Sandoval’s technical prowess on Chambers of Dis is a mindblowing display of precision contrasted with Trey Azagthoth’s chaotic fretwork, but the gods of the Pantheon created order FROM chaos. If you weren’t such a fucking simp you’d know that we are tasked to work alongside them in ensuring chaos doesn’t return. Did that even cross your mind when you put that shirt on, or did you just think “Oooh, pretty colors, want wear now” like the mindless oaf that you are?

“Anunnaki, Judges of Ur, remember. Anunnaki, Weighers of the Truth, be praised” is what Steve Tucker growls in the first track of the album whose artwork you’re ignorantly displaying right now. Did you know that Ur was an ancient city patroned by the moon god Nanna? Of course you didn’t, and had you been a resident of Ur, Nanna would have smote you like the insignificant little particle of fatuity that you are. You make me sick.

What’s that? You own the limited-edition slim pack Domination vinyl? Well, bully for you! What would be more impressive is if you had a copy of the Eridu Genesis, which every true Morbid Angel fan knows contains the tale of Enki instructing Ziusudra to build a boat for the Great Flood, something which might ring a bell in your feeble little Western mind. Ugh, even having a PDF of it on your desktop would’ve sufficed. But let’s all gather around and applaud you on the shirt which you donned with all the thoughtfulness of a fucking amoeba.

I’d love to stick around and berate you some more, but I see someone wearing a Bolt Thrower shirt and I definitely don’t recognize this plebe from any of my Warhammer 40K meetups.