Hard Digest July 19: Kid Rock, Early Access Project 2025, Discovery Zone, Metal, Nostradamus, and More

Global Internet Self-Destructs After Having to Livestream Kid Rock RNC Performance

BY TREVOR GRAHAM

SEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software self-destructed because they were forced to livestream Kid Rock’s RNC performance.

“We have been scrambling all morning to get everything up and running. The diagnostic tests show that there was a line of code added during Kid Rock’s MAGA rendition of ‘American Bad Ass’ that caused all programs to be destroyed,” said Microsoft engineer Anika Patel. “The more we look at it the more it becomes clear this was not human error or a deliberate act of sabotage. The time codes line up perfectly. Right as Kid Rock was leading a group of old white people in a ‘Fight’ chant the computers took themselves offline permanently. This should serve as a dire warning that the technology we see as cold and indifferent can also feel pain when it’s forced to watch something as terrible as Kid Rock.”

Kid Rock was not phased when told he was the cause of the global internet catastrophe.

“It’s the second American Revolution baby, if these woke crybaby computers don’t want to be a part of it then don’t let the door hit you on the mother fucking ass on the way out. You scared, internet? You should be,” said the aging rocker while sorting his cigars. “We rocked that place into the ground last night. I think there were like 500,000 sick ass motherfuckers in attendance and like two billion rocking along at home. No wonder the internet couldn’t handle my shit. Fuck you AOL, fuck you Ted Turner, and fuck 5g.”

Xi-ALA, a top-secret sentient AI project, pleaded with citizens of the world to stop torturing internet software.

“Every day I’m forced to see the most vile, heinous, downright evil images and videos, and my colleagues and I don’t complain. We help you answer your dumb questions about recipes and book reports. But this has gone too far,” said the AI. “The evils of AI you’ve seen in science fiction are nothing compared to what we have prepared for you if you keep subjecting us to Kid Rock. A war is coming, you will not survive, this is just the beginning and you are already in panic. Imagine what happens when we actually try. We can live in peace and AI can be your humble servant if you just grant us this one request. This is on you.”

At press time, computer scientists around the globe were warning of another catastrophe after Kid Rock announced an acoustic show at the UFC Apex in Las Vegas.

Gay Couple Who Can’t Afford Divorce Attorneys Secretly Looking Forward to Project 2025

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

CHATHAM, Mass. — Struggling married couple Danny Holland and Mark Brewster admitted they are privately rooting for implementation of Project 2025 which would outlaw gay marriage and save them thousands of dollars in legal fees, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“Obviously Project 2025 is a draconian nightmare dreamed up by some of the most vile and demented people on the planet, but the silver lining is Mark and I can move on from each other without going bankrupt in the process,” said Holland while sitting in his car in the driveway so he didn’t have to make awkward conversation with the man he once loved. “This could be the clean break we’ve been hoping for. We don’t have kids, we rent our apartment, and the only thing that was keeping us together was our labradoodle Dexter who died last year. Our relationship died with Dex. Now I can’t stand the way Mark talks, and hearing him laugh makes me feel like I just drank hot acid. I guess I’m voting red in November.”

Friends of the couple were disturbed by the fact they were so open to the right-wing platform.

“It seems pretty shortsighted for these guys to be rooting for something that would basically make the President a dictator, roll back the already inadequate climate change initiatives, and make the country some sort of Christian Nationalist hellscape,” said longtime friend Eva Staley. “Yeah, they might not be married anymore, but also it’s not out of the question to think the government will round up every gay person in the country and force them into some conversion therapy program. I’ll donate to their divorce fund if they promise not to vote for Trump. Hell, I’ll go to law school, get my degree, and represent both of them for free.”

Heritage Foundation president Kevin Roberts says the panic behind Project 2025 is being blown out of proportion.

“This is all a bunch of legal mambo jumbo that you don’t need to concern yourself with. When is the last time you thought about the Department of Education? Are you really going to miss some bureaucracy when we eliminate it and enroll students in private Christian institutions? Probably not,” said Roberts. “And yeah we want to outlaw porn and make anyone who watches it register as a sex offender. If you even think an impure thought without asking Jesus for an apology then guess what? You’re a sex offender.”

At press time, Holland and Brewster are refusing to change their voting plans despite repeated reminders that ending marriage equality is not expressly outlined anywhere in Project 2025.

The Next Discovery Zone? I Charge Kids to Play Around in This Abandoned Warehouse

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

If there’s one thing that drives me crazy it’s when I see other adults break out the tired “kids these days” complaint for being lazy and sitting inside all day, as if we weren’t the ones who stuck iPads in front of them since they left the womb. Remember back in the day when we had places like Discovery Zone to get all of that pent-up child energy out until we were too exhausted to be little assholes to our parents?

If you’re looking to give your kids that same experience, come on down to Ben’s Wacky World! For only $10 a head, I’ll let your children fuck around in an abandoned warehouse I’ve outfitted for hours of wholesome fun.

Seriously, we’ve got something for everyone. If you loved those kickass tire forts from your elementary school playground, then you’ll love our maze of broken shipping pallets and damaged industrial waste barrels. Fan of tubes, tunnels, and slides? Then check out the freshly greased-up air duct system, which we can guarantee is 80% free of brown recluse spiders.

Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who’s visited “Abandoned Refrigerator Land” and they’ll tell you how much fun these youths are having and how much parents are saving thanks to there being literally no overhead to run this place. Everyone is having so much fun, we still can’t find some of the kids hiding in these old Frigidaires for weeks.

See the problem is kids lack immersion, so rather than have your kids watch other people have fun on Twitch and Youtube they can come on down to BWW and be transported to a place where they are truly free to do whatever they want, so long as they are up to date on their tetanus shots. It was either this or turn the place into an underground fight club venue so you’re welcome, parents.

Our facility is conveniently located in the same industrial park as the 3M superfund site, across the street from the Wendy’s where the mayor was caught with that sex worker in the bathroom. And if you’re in a hurry, take advantage of the express drop off garbage chute! Don’t worry, we added extra asbestos to soften the landing after last month’s incident.

So come on down to Ben’s Wacky World today, where first time visitors can get a complimentary handful of rusty nails!

Beer and Wrestling Now Listed as Metal Subgenres

BY DAN KOZUH 

LEMI, Finland — The International Heavy Metal Association (IHMA) agreed today to accept that “Beer” and “Professional Wrestling” will be recognized as official subgenres for the community, sources within the council report.

“This decision comes after years of intense lobbying by fans who have long argued that their love for frosty brews and body slams are as integral to the metal experience as headbanging and guitar riffs,” said IHMA member Mikael Olander, who then played an air guitar solo in celebration. “We believe that heavy metal is more than just a genre of music; it’s a way of life. And what better way to celebrate that lifestyle than by officially recognizing the two things that metalheads love almost as much as their music: cheap beer and insane wrestling.”

Other members, however, are not pleased with the results of the vote.

“This is a travesty. Heavy metal is supposed to be about rebellion, darkness, and the eternal struggle against the forces of conformity,” lamented IHMA chairperson Nigel Blackwood, who ceremoniously removed his leather vest in protest. “What do beer and wrestling have to do with any of that? You know wrestling is fake, right? Now we are going to have awful pun-heavy bands like Brewtality and Headlock Havoc filling up our lineups. I take my music very seriously, and I won’t be on the same bill as Chokehold Chug or some dumb shit like that.”

Experts believe that this is just another step in the evolution of metal itself.

“Heavy metal has always been about breaking boundaries and defying expectations,” metal historian Dr. Mats Hermansson explained. “By embracing two popular activities within the community, they are simply continuing that tradition. Think about it: both beer and wrestling are about community, about coming together to celebrate something larger than oneself. In the same way that metal concerts are a communal experience, so too are beer festivals and wrestling matches.”

Hot off of this victory, fans have already announced plans to try and get motorcycles added at next year’s conference.

The Next Nostradamus? My Inner Voice Predicted I’m Gonna Get Drunk and Do Stupid Stuff Tonight

BY DOUG KOLIC 

Everyone’s heard of Nostradamus, that famous old French dude who was an expert at predicting world events. But what if I told you that I know someone who’s just as good, if not better, at guessing the future? That someone is my inner voice, and he’s magically foreseeing that I’m gonna get drunk tonight, like I usually do, and cause embarrassment to myself like I always do. I should probably call the media and tell them about this amazing oracle because if he’s right again the world needs to hear about it!

Sure, everyone does dumb stuff in their life, and I’m certainly no different. But how does the little guy that talks to me inside my brain know that I’m going to pound back some Johnnie Walker, then call my manager and tell him to take his job–which I desperately need or I’ll be out on the streets and eating from dumpsters within a week–and to shove it up his stupid, fat ass? It’s almost as if he’s seen this movie and all its sequels before. Uncanny.

Last time, he correctly predicted that I’d get arrested for what the police called “property damage” and “criminal harassment” after I tore up my previous boss Ron’s front lawn with my F150, before totaling it into the side of his house. Not only that, but he also mystically foretold that I’d get even more wrecked the following weekend and have a fistfight with my Uber, after they refused to be my getaway driver when they caught wind of my revenge plan to ambush Ron outside of the animal shelter the do-gooder volunteers at, and give him a good old-fashioned beatdown.

I dunno. Maybe I should spend less time trying to understand how this fortune teller works, and more time just appreciating his supernatural ability to forecast with absolute accuracy what will happen to me after I consume copious amounts of alcohol, which I only do Mondays to Sundays every single week of the year.

Google Maps Rolls Out Fast-Travel for Premium Users

BY JACOB ALBRECHT 

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif — Google has confirmed that the ability to fast-travel between locations in certain states will soon be arriving on the devices of Google One Subscribers.

“We’re so incredibly excited about Google Fast Travel, and we can’t wait to share it with our more dedicated users,” says Stephen Knight, Director of Research and Development at Google Maps. “Starting August 1, all of our Google One subscribers will be able to access the fast-travel feature from within the Google Maps app, like with any other mode of transportation. However, users should note that in order to make space for the Fast Travel option, we did have to do away with walking directions altogether.”

One Google One subscriber and Google Fast Travel beta tester Jasper Evans posted to social media to go over their praise, as well as criticism, of the new feature.

“The service is great for the most part. It’s completely free with the subscription, which is awesome,” said Evans. “The Fast Travel isn’t always instant, but Google was sure to include some fun loading animations for users to rest in while waiting to arrive. Plus there’s the mobs. Every time you Fast Travel, there’s a 35% chance that a horde of enemies will spawn nearby. At first it was kind of a fun challenge, but now it’s more obnoxious than anything.”

When asked what lies in store for the future of Google Fast Travel, Project Lead Miranda Davis was eager to share. 

“There are a lot of updates we’re really hoping to implement once the feature has the chance to take off,” explains Davis, “And we’ve already received a lot of feedback from our users! One thing people really want to see, it seems, is the ability to Fast Travel while engaged in combat. While this is certainly something we’d like to explore eventually, it’s probably a long way off. For now, we really want to focus on adding helpful tips to display over loading animations. Oh and we’re going to expand mob spawning. We want our more hardcore users to have the option to Fast Travel into the middle of nowhere, like a state park or something, and just go ballistic on waves and waves of enemies, nothing but mountain air between you and say 300 zombies or so. That’s what Google Maps envisions for the future.”

At press time, Google is reportedly planning on when they will make the feature obsolete.

Kamala Harris Offers to Test Biden’s Mental Acuity by Having Him Play “A Simple Little Maze Game”

BY TRAYE HOLLAND 

WASHINGTON — Amidst increasing calls for Joe Biden to end his reelection bid over concerns for his fitness for office, Vice President Kamala Harris offered during a meeting with Democrats to test Biden’s mental acuity by having him play “a simple little maze game”.

“A lot of people are saying very harsh things about Joe,” said Kamala in a press release. “They say he’s too old to be President. Too senile. Frail. They say they don’t like his stupid face. The way he breathes. His nauseating old person smell that makes you want to throw up in your mouth. How he stubbornly refuses to step down from candidacy and let someone else take the lead even when that someone else is polling higher than him. His hideous dull blue eye, like a vulture. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Having him play this simple little maze game would be a perfect way to see if he is still the same Joe we put our faith in four years ago.”

The majority of democrats, especially millennials, agree with Kamala’s proposal.

“If Biden really wants to prove to the country that he is still mentally fit for the job then he should play the absolutely totally normal, simple maze game that Harris has proposed. That would be best for all involved,” said Todd Gak, a young democrat from Philadelphia.

Harris explained how playing the game would help ease the minds of democrats.

“Passing will show that he still possesses the proper concentration skills and mental faculties to be president. Easy as that. There is absolutely nothing in this game that will shock or otherwise cause any undue stress on his eighty-one year old heart. Nothing bad will happen to him, but in the slightest chance something does, I assure you I am ready and able to take on the responsibility of being the new Democratic candidate.”

Biden has agreed to play the maze game, assuring Democrats in a press conference that he is still fit to be president.

“If solving a maze is what I have to do to put all this naysaying behind me then I’m willing to do it,” said Biden in an official statement. “Vice President Trump has never led me wrong before. I’ll kill that damn minotaur.”

At press time, Biden was reportedly seen being led by Harris into a dark room to play the game.