Hard Digest July 18: Early Access Biden, Wine, Therapy, and More

Biden Offers Stern Warning to Potential Democrat Opponents: “Look, Listen, I’m Prepared Give a Holler to the Boys Who Come Back And I’m the Guy With The Fact of the Matter Is I’m Seeing the Wind Whistle and Ready to Find the Lost Meat”

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

WASHINGTON — President Biden stood firm in his refusal to step down and issued a long, incoherent, often confusing, warning to any Democrats looking to challenge his position, confirmed sources trying to decipher the ramblings.

“Listen Jack, you ain’t on easy street. In fact the street has the way that I lead is with a future that can’t take back and will take back with the great light of nutrition and determination,” said a visibly confused Biden. “Now is not the time to delegate, we need swift action or else the money is on the nightstand and you are a real sweet lady. This is what I know, the forgotten deli was where I made a fortune with the way the cookie crumbles. You got me? I want my message to be loud and windowless. United we shop at home from the office, divided we divide. It’s me, Joe Robin and Batman that will lead.”

Many prominent Democrats are increasing their calls for President Biden to step aside.

“I realized the President was in bad shape after our last phone conversation. He fell asleep four times over the course of the 15-minute call, and when he was awake he told me he keeps having a recurring dream with a bright light at the end of a tunnel with people whispering his name,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “I’ve also gotten word that his aides were instructed to keep him away from any televisions because he gets startled by the images on the screen. I hope President Biden makes the right choice and drops out of the race so he can live out the rest of his life peacefully, he probably only has a few weeks left.”

DNC Chair Jamie Harrison disagrees with most of the party elite.

“Do you know how much work it took to rig things so Biden actually got nominated? That shit wasn’t fucking easy and I’m not in the business of wasting time. And besides, I don’t give a fucking shit if Trump wins, we raise way more money when Republicans are in office anyway,” said Harrison. “Hell, let Trump burn things down. Nobody is going to give money to third-party candidates to stop the guy, being Blue leads to a lot of green if you catch my drift. And my house could use a new fucking pool.”

At press time, President Biden was attempting to show he was still fit for the job by providing a new physical fitness exam that says his heart is still technically beating.

Nine Great Wine and Antidepressant Pairings You Should Really Stop Driving On

BY CLAIRE ALEXANDER

Alcohol and antidepressants—is there a better combo in the world? According to our doctor, “Yes, almost anything, for the love of God stop drinking on your medication it is dangerous.” But what do doctors know anyway? Think about it, if they were really so smart, would they rely on employment from patients like you? Don’t think about it too hard.

Well, like the broken clock, even a doctor is right twice a day. They’re desperate plea of “At the very least don’t drive your car like that!” may hold some validity. Either that or the four Honda Civics I’ve burned through in the last three months were all defective, whose to say? Anyway, here are the nine best antidepressant and wine pairings I’ll be grooving on this summer, and will try really hard not to drive on so much anymore, I promise.

Wellbutrin and Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc:

This fruit-forward pairing is the only way to wash down your mom’s medication. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you don’t have your license yet.

Lexapro and White Zinfandel:

If you love being horny but hate finishing, this bold taste is the pairing for you. You should cut the breaks before you get to their house and give the “I swear this never happens” speech again.

Celexa and Lambrusco:

These truly complement each other because they both have light effervescence and cool names that make you confidently say “I’ll take it” to your doctor and bartender without any research. You shouldn’t drive on this one because you can’t close the bottle’s champagne-style cork situation, and if you hit a bump, red wine will spill everywhere.

Paxil and Josh Cellars Merlot:

This medium-bodied wine makes the perfect pairing for your meds because you can get both at Target. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your kids are already mad at you for leaving them in the parking lot with the windows shut.

Zoloft and 90+ Pinot Grigio:

I know that you’re having a great time in the hot tub right now and you want to level up the night by getting the keys and buying more booze, but just stay home and clean up your vomit before anyone sees it.

Marplan and Port:

This full-bodied wine with medium tannins pairs well with drinking alone. You shouldn’t drive on this one because your taste is weird and you probably drive an embarrassing car. Also, you should switch the meds because you’re clearly still very depressed.

Effexor and orange wine:

The funky layered taste pairs well with the nausea you’ll have from the pill, as well as all of the first-world problems you have. You shouldn’t be driving because you can afford an Uber.

Desyrel and Chardonnay:

The spicy notes and diahhrea pair very well with hearing your grandchildren struggle to connect with you. You shouldn’t drive because the nursing home employees will freak out if you’re not playing Scrabble at 11.

Prozac and Chianti:

This savory pairing will have you asleep before you can say “goomar.” You shouldn’t drive on this combo because others on the road might hear banging from that guy in your trunk.

Therapist Clarifies That Self-Care Can Include Masturbation, But It Can’t Only Be Masturbation

BY STEPHEN BELL 

LEXINGTON, KY. — Lily Jones, personal therapist to resident Alex Hirata, would like him to know that yes it’s okay to masturbate as a form of self-care, but it has to involve more than just masturbating. 

“When Alex told me he masturbated 45 times in six hours, my first concern was about him developing carpal tunnel syndrome, or maybe a complete degloving of his penis,” said Jones. “Then I started worrying that he’d get dehydrated and die, but I guess those were mostly ghost loads, so I guessed he’d be fine. Still, drink some water, champ, because skin damage causes water loss and we know that peen has to be more chafed than Ben Shapiro’s willy after getting intimate with his wife. But please consider trying some other forms of self-care. Read a non-pornographic novel, perhaps? Bubble baths? Anything. Because at this point I’m afraid he’s going to set his penis on fire with all that rubbing.”

Hirata, however, did not agree with his therapist’s assessment. 

“I’m feeling a little lied to right now because Dr. Jones told me masturbating was an acceptable form of self-care,” said a miffed Hirata. “But believe me, I care for myself a lot and in many interesting ways which you can read more about in my blog, ‘So It’s Cum to This.’ I now self-care for myself at work, baseball games, therapist appointments, and anywhere else I can wear my extra large trench coat. Before this I used to drink–but no more. Masturbation truly is my anti-drug. Would you prefer I start drinking again? Because I find it hard, or soft I guess, to self-care when I drink.”

Self-titled psychologist and creator of the pro-masturbation Instagram account “JizzMarkey” Niles Sumter felt like even more masturbation was the way to go. 

“I’m glad to see more people embracing masturbation as a stress reliever,” said a red-faced Niles with a blanket strategically placed over his lap. “Did you know that bonobo monkeys solve most of their problems by masturbating? It’s true; I heard it on Joe Rogan. That’s why I preach that everyone should jerk it as much as possible and as often as possible. Masturbating releases dopamine and that’s dope, know what I mean? Anyways, would you mind if we picked this interview back up in like 15 minutes?”

At press time, Dr. Jones was seen dragging her office couch to the street and lighting it on fire. 

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Out of Breath Gamer Demands Stairs Be Nerfed

BY MATT FRESH 

NEW YORK — Local gamer Ashton Keith is demanding that stairs be nerfed after he was once again left completely out of breath after climbing up a small staircase

“This is just completely ridiculous at this point, they’re way too OP,” exclaimed Keith as he struggled for breath in a TikTok. “I’m a fairly in shape guy, I do crunches all the time when I drop my controller and have to pick it up and my cardio has always been great. I’m famous for lasting the longest out of my whole friend group in gaming sessions, I can go 8 hours straight without getting tired. But every time I have to climb some stairs I get really winded very quickly. Something needs to be done about this, the stairs are simply not tuned well.”

Architect Marcus Anthony commented on the TikTok, explaining the difficulty of developing stairs for such a wide variety of players.

“It’s one of the most difficult things to get the tuning right for. You need to design them in such a way that makes them achievable to anyone regardless of skill level or character archetype but at the same time you still want there to be a challenge. Unfortunately this means that some classes will have more difficulty than others. The Couch Potato class is gonna struggle more than the Healthy Adult class and that’s just the way it is unless they go out of there class to invest in some vitality and endurance stats”

Keith’s roommate Floyd claims that the stairs are fine the way they are and Keith simply needs to get good.

“It really is a skill issue. Our apartment is on the second floor, it’s not a big flight of stairs. There’s a really fat guy who lives on the 5th floor that never complains about the stairs.

I’ve never seen Ash exercise since we became roommates eight years ago and his idea of healthy food is putting peppers on pizza. There are some days where I swear he doesn’t even get up out of his chair. He’ll be playing a single player with bloodshot eyes and roll his chair over to get a Mountain Dew. He says pausing is for the weak, meanwhile he needs to take a break to get up one flight of stairs”

At press time, Keith has vowed that if the stairs won’t be nerfed then he will simply leave his apartment less.

Asymmetrical Multiplayer Shooter ‘Project 2025’ Slated to Release this November

BY PATRICK OCONNELL 

WASHINGTON D.C. —  Fans of asymmetrical multiplayer games as well as autocratic theocracies are clambering to play the Heritage Foundation’s long-awaited and highly controversial asymmetrical multiplayer shooter ‘Project 2025’ which is all but assured to release in November. 

“Everybody knew the game was in development hell for a while,” said ‘Dead by Daylight’ streamer Kyle Neeman, “but now it seems like the pieces are finally falling into place. I remember having a blast with the Alpha when it dropped back in January of 2021 but nobody thought it would reach this stage of development!” 

“Like other games of the asymmetrical multiplayer shooter genre, ‘Project 2025’ will allow you to play on one of two teams with varying gameplay abilities,” explained lead gameplay designer Dale White. “The MAGA team will be equipped with automatic rifles while the liberal team writes strongly worded press statements denouncing their actions on the news. The liberal team is equipped with exciting abilities such as pointing out hypocrisy, or expounding on the importance of ethical behavior. Meanwhile the MAGA team can fire their weapons without consequences. Victory is obtained when all members of the liberal team are systematically imprisoned or executed.”

Other game developers have suggested that the game’s core mechanics are a bit derivative. 

“It’s infuriating to see everyone talk about ‘Project 2025’ like it’s a revolution in the genre when its roots are so obvious,” said a rival game developer who wished to stay anonymous to avoid hurting the feelings of any Project 2025 devs. “There was this little-known asymmetrical shooter from 1923 called ‘Weimar Republic’ that really paved the way for the genre. Similar to ‘Project 2025’, the goal was for one team to use rhetoric and bureaucratic abilities to slow down the other team who would then respond by shooting them as fast as they could. It’s hard to not see the influence in ‘Dead by Daylight’ where one team does basic maintenance work while the killer hacks them all to pieces.”

At press time, gamers all across social media are preparing for the release of the game whether they’re looking forward to it or not.