Hard Digest July 17: Trump's Assassin, Drunk Anthems, Early Access Sunday Scaries, Gargoyles, Grocery Shopping, and More

Failed Trump Assassin Revealed to Be Descendant of Immigrants Who Came to Country Illegally 230 Years Ago

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

BETHEL PARK, Penn. — New information about Matthew Crooks, the 20-year-old registered Republican who made a failed attempt to kill former President Trump, shows his family immigrated to America illegally nearly two centuries ago, outraged conservative pundits confirmed.

“We found that Matthew Crooks descended from Andrew Crookes of Yorkshire, England. The Crookes family was attempting to join an established colony in Nova Scotia when their ship went off course and they ended up off the coast of Massachusetts in 1795 and decided to start their legacy of crime,” said right-wing investigator Gabe Butler. “The entire Crooks family should have never been in our country to begin with. Andrew Crookes is responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of illegals who have been mooching off the backs of hard-working Americans for nearly ten generations. There is only one person to blame here, and that is Joe Biden and his open border policy, if Trump had been in office in 1795 then that boat would have been forced to turn right around.”

Conservative pundits at this week’s RNC were quick to capitalize on Crooks’ immigration status.

“It goes without saying that we need immigration reform, but this should also be retroactive. If you can’t trace your lineage back to my personal hero Christopher Columbus then you need to go back to your own country,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA). “It’s kind of funny, Joe Biden has been awfully quiet ever since we started calling for these mass deportations. What’s the matter Joe? Afraid of what we might find? Today I’m calling on Joe Biden to release his long-form ancestry report to the American people. We deserve to know.”

Dr. Lewis Hammon, a Professor of American History at Stanford, says there is some logic behind this new line of thinking.

“When we were kids we were taught that America was basically empty before European settlers got here. We were told that a few Indigenous tribes welcomed these visitors with open arms, but unfortunately that’s not the truth. These European immigrants exterminated the native community,” said Dr. Hammon. “So when conservatives talk about how illegal immigrants are coming to this country and terrorizing people they are absolutely right. They are just a few hundred years too late for it to be true.”

At press time, reports also indicate that while Crooks attended high school he attended Spanish class for at least two semesters.

Collapsing Nation Still Somehow Expects Singer to Perform Anthem Sober

BY CLAIRE ALEXANDER 

ARLINGTON, Texas — Americans everywhere took a brief pause from threatening to kill each other online to share that they believe Ingrid Andress should have been sober during her performance of the National Anthem Monday night.

“Our Nation’s anthem is the greatest song ever to exist, every time I hear it I can’t help but bawl my eyes out and salute the stars and stripes. However, the rendedition by Ms. Andress was the worst thing to happen to this country since President Clinton,” said Republican Governor, Greg Abbott, as he turned on a generator to power an air conditioner and dressed himself in a bullet-proof vest. “I know things are bad under Biden. Ms. Andress was probably worried about our Southern border and how the Democrats let people run free all over it, but that’s no excuse. We’re never going to get the respect of the rest of the world if we are constantly giving stage time to Americans who make a mockery of themselves. ”

Maryland resident Bradelyn Lake was particularly offended after watching the performance while wasted at a local bar.

“I would never do that,” shares Bradelyn Lake, mother of two overfed Shih-Tzu’s. “I mean, I don’t really remember watching it, but I know it was bad, and I know I would never do that to our nation that I love. If you sing the dang Pledge of Allegiance you better do it right or I’ll find you and cut you to bits. This country protects me from homeless people, from scary guys with guns, and from going to hell for driving my neighbor to an abortion. Other countries are not free to arm themselves when they leave the house. I can’t imagine getting in my car without my AK, people get attacked all the time, what if I’m next?”

However, European leaders completely agree with the behavior.

“It’s standard protocol to breathalyze everyone who enters Wembley Stadium to make sure they’re drunk enough, including players,” says Mayor of London Sadiq Khan. “This incident makes sense to me. Prior to our election, the recorded rates of intoxication throughout the stadium were much higher. America’s terrifying future is in the hands of its citizens, and to cope, in one of those hands should also be a cold one.”

At press time, Governor Abbott lifted up his face shield to share that he will be performing the National Anthem at all future Texas sporting events.

Scientists Warn Sunday Scaries Could Begin as Early as Thursday by 2035

BY TIM GRAHAM 

HELSINKI, Finland — University of Helsinki researchers released results of a study showing the Sunday Scaries are gradually encroaching on the earlier days of the week, according to colleagues already dreading Monday.

“As the name implies, the Sunday Scaries were initially limited to Sunday only,” said the study’s co-author Emilia Lutefisk. “However, we have observed anxiety associated with the impending work week has been creeping ever earlier for many working people. We attribute this effect to the stress of stagnating wages, the decline of unions and loss of governmental safety nets. Let me clarify–this does not apply to a lot of us here in Europe. The study focused on countries with weakening worker protections, such as the US and several third-world nations.”

Many workers have been noticing more of their weeks being consumed by the Sunday Scaries, as confirmed by perennially-stressed office manager Cynthia Stone.

“I think about work all the time,” said Stone. “And I have noticed that the fear of the coming week has been growing lately. I used to get the scaries around dusk on Sunday, but it’s been manifesting earlier. Forget having fun—I’d just like to have a nice, quiet weekend without counting down the hours until I have to be back at my desk. Sometimes I’ll stay up really late on a Saturday to try and stave off the inevitable, but I wind up sleeping super late and then spending what’s left of the day meal-prepping and doomscrolling.”

Self-proclaimed “grindset” influencer Michael Sphinx says the only way to prevent Sunday Scaries is to never stop working at all.

“How can you be worried about going back to work if you’re working every waking moment?” asked Sphinx as he edited a spreadsheet while Doordashing. “I can’t count how many jobs and side hustles I’ve got. The gig economy is amazing for people who need very little sleep and don’t care about having friends, hobbies or relationships. So no, I never get Sunday Scaries, because my Sundays are packed full with dog walking, double-shifts bartending and playing Spiderman at kids’ parties. It’s all about time management. I’m even developing a method to eat while I sleep, which will save me tons of time.”

At press time, Lutefisk’s team had launched a follow-up study to analyze alcohol consumption trends on Thirsty Thursdays in relation to Sunday Scaries.

Wanna Feel Old: Gargoyles Came Out 30 Years Ago, and You’re a Loser

BY DAN RICE 

Are you ready to be devastated by the ravages of time? I mean just completely gutted, like looking at the palms of your hands and wondering where your life went-type shit? Okay, here’s the skinny: “Gargoyles,” the popular cartoon from your childhood, actually came out 30 years ago, and you have accomplished absolutely nothing in your entire life. Damn, that feels old!

That’s right, your favorite Saturday morning sword and sorcery cartoon, featuring the voice talents of Keith David, Jonathan Frakes, and Marina Sirtis is three decades old. Meanwhile, you, featuring virtually no talent to speak of in any field, are a bonafide first-class loser who is even older than the cartoon that, as we’ve established, is very old! Fuck, that has to hurt!

Now now, don’t get so upset. You’ve done SOME cool things with your time on this earth. Remember when you went toe to toe with The Pack? Or that time you mastered the spells of The Grimorum Arcanorum? What about the time you found the two halves of the Phoenix Gate and got transported to Avalon? No, wait, no, that was all stuff Gargoyles did. Wow, you’ve been severely outpaced in life by a children’s cartoon. That can’t feel good.

Hey, look on the bright side, you’re old enough to have sired one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s exes and you still have roommates. Whoops, that’s not a bright side. Better just look at the TV or something. Maybe “Gargoyles” is on!

You know how we know you’re a fucking loser? Because we said “Wanna feel old?” and you, by clicking on this, said “yes.” Think about that! Is that something a winner does? If we said to a winner right now “Hey, you wanna feel like an absolute puddle of shit?” they would reply “No way, I’m too busy winning.” but you? You’re all like “Yes Daddy, punish me with your depressing factoids, I deserve it!” That is no way to go through life dude! Why would you just let us DUNK ON YOU like that?

It’s like your self-esteem is a gargoyle petrified by sunlight, and we’re a Viking with a big ole mace, does that help? Is that DUMBED DOWN enough for your loser cotton candy ass? “Gargoyles” is old enough to drink and you are old enough to stop drinking, but you don’t.

Thrifty Millennial Saves $50 by Spending 4 Hours Shopping at 7 Different Grocery Stores

BY ROBERT JOHN SCUCCI 

BELLEVILLE, NJ — Financially savvy 38-year-old Scott Lawry revealed his secret to saving $50 is to spend several hours shopping at multiple grocery stores, confused sources with disposable income confirmed.

“You have to start out with the non-perishables because you’re going to be in your car for a while,” Lawry advised as he merged into rush-hour traffic to save $.50 on a five-pound of russet potatoes at the ALDI across town. “I typically spend three hours on the Kroger app looking for digital coupons, but that’s my last stop because it’s so close to home, and I first have to hit up the Dollar General for toiletries, Publix for produce, and the Walmart Neighborhood Market for the name-brand snacks. When I’m really strapped, I use my Target Red Card because it takes 48 hours to hit my bank account, and I can load up on enough granola and non-dairy milk to get me through the next few days while I wait for my direct deposit.”

Lawry’s girlfriend Hope Mullen admires her partner’s resourcefulness, but laments over the cost to their relationship.

“We used to do things on weekends, but now our time is lost chasing savings,” Mullen wept as she opened a crushed box of Cheez-Its that was purchased from the scratch and dent section of the Save A Lot two towns over. “We used to go to the park, concerts, and take day trips to the city, but Scott has become so obsessed with finding the best deals that our Saturdays are now mostly spent trying to ‘beat the rush’ even though we spend $30 in gas money to get all of our groceries at the best price.”

Benjamin Clark, Lawry’s best friend and toughest critic, suggested an easier way to save money on a weekly grocery haul.

“I just steal whenever I can,” said Clark as he punched Lawry’s phone number into the gas station keypad to steal his fuel points. “If stores want to charge eight bucks for Rice Krispies, you just need to find a blind spot so you can stuff some beef jerky into the box before hitting up the self-checkout. You just need to be ready to run to the getaway car if some overzealous cashier is in a tackling mood. If Scott could just balls up and learn this tech, he’d both be saving a ton of money and not waste an entire day in his shitty minivan.”

At press time, Lawry was spotted wearing a fake mustache at Costco so he could use his dad’s membership card.

Woman at Bar Sending Signals She’s Interested in Talking About Elden Ring Lore

BY TRAYE HOLLAND 

MILWAUKEE — Gamer Annette Hutchinson has been seated at her local dive for hours sending signals to other bar patrons that she’s seriously interested in someone coming over and talking with her about Elden Ring lore. 

“I didn’t get all dressed up and come out to this bar for nothing,” tweeted Annette in frustration. “I have been playing Elden Ring nonstop for days and I absolutely need to talk with somebody about it. I mean I made sure to wear my finest Elden Bling and I gotta say I’m winning the fashion souls at this bar. I’ve been sitting here making eye contact and smiling at people, just waiting for someone to come up and ask me why I think Marika shattered the Elden Ring so I can explain my theory that it wasn’t just because of Godwyn’s assassination on the Night of the Black Knives but because she was actually trying to break the influence of the Greater Will, but they just keep hitting on me.”

Other patrons of the establishment took to social media to voice their frustration about the “confusing girl” sitting at the bar.

“This hot girl is throwing signals my way so I went over,” said Zachary Gunn, there to play darts with his friends. “I hit my best pick up lines but this girl is just talking nonsense. She mentioned something about fate being guided by the stars so at first I thought she was really into astrology, but then she went on about all these different gods and ancient giants and being touched by grace. When she started talking about how a person’s soul was located in their asshole I excused myself and went back to playing darts. I think she was trying to convert me to a cult or something.”

Unfortunately for Annette, it seemed there weren’t any people in the bar who had even played Elden Ring, let alone held the same appreciation for its opaque world building. Except for one.  

“I told my friends it would work,” said Ernest Golby, who caught Annette’s attention by wearing a black t-shirt with the words try finger but hole custom-printed on the front. “Nobody believed me. They all said this shirt was embarrassing and that it was gonna turn away anyone who might be interested, but I don’t want any attention from casuals. I came out here to talk about dragons starting a cult to trick people into committing a genocide, and it looks like tonight’s my night.”

At press time, Ernest and Annette are still seated at the bar, loudly theorizing the implications the item description for a loincloth had on their greater understanding of the lore.

Easter Egg in Home Movie Hints at Wider Traumatic Universe

BY MAX BARTH 

TUCSON, Ariz. — Details in newly unearthed home videos seem to imply a larger, shared traumatic universe within the Pappas family, gaslit sources reveal. 

“I haven’t looked at this stuff since I was a teenager,” said Jack Pappas, 34, who digitized dozens of VHS tapes while cleaning out his mother’s basement. “I thought I had a pretty normal childhood, but on repeat viewing I’m not so sure. Eagle eyed Pappas fans will note, for instance, that my mother’s bedroom door was closed during my seventh birthday party and my party balloons were gray, references of course to my mother’s undiagnosed clinical depression, an issue which I’m happy to say is now canon.”

Family historian and oldest cousin Angie Pappas-Baxter has begun cataloging the Easter Eggs in daily emails which nobody reads.

“I haven’t had this much fun since I did all that Ancestry.com stuff a while back to win an argument with one of my racist uncles,” said Pappas-Baxter. “But thanks to Jack, I can see details in these old movies that intrigue me. Grandpa’s hands used to shake a lot whenever our dog barked, which we kids thought was funny, but now I can just about make out his army uniform hanging in the coat closet. Really makes you wonder what he got up to off-screen.”

Clara Pappas, mother of Jack, refused to look at the videos and disagreed with the trauma-informed analysis suggested by other members of the family.

“I don’t know what my son is talking about. Things at home were perfectly normal and nice. Sure, we had some ups and downs, like everybody else. In my day we just got through those things. Even when the dog got struck by lightning on the Fourth of July after Mom died in that car fire and Bud got drafted – we didn’t complain. None of my eleven siblings ever even thought about going to therapy, so how bad could it have been? The younger generation are just complainers.”

At press time, sources indicate that Grandpa Pappas’ story would be continued in a standalone rewatch of Band of Brothers.