thehardtimes

Hard Digest July 16: RNC, Sticker Mule, Early Access GWAR, Mushrooms, FYE, and More

Added 2024-07-17 00:00:04 +0000 UTC

Sticker Mule Co-Founder Confesses to Intense Sexual Fantasies About Trump In Mass Email Blast to Customers

NEW YORK — Anthony Constantino, the co-founder of popular custom sticker maker Sticker Mule, sent a rambling email to all his customers about his bizarre sexual fantasies about former President Trump, weirded-out sources confirmed.

“I want to be transparent with all our customers. That’s why I sent the first email encouraging customers that I support Trump, but that they can also support Biden if they want. However, I realized that wasn’t enough. I needed to let the world know that I often wake up with an erection so hard I think my penis is going to explode all because I had the recurring dream where President Trump sits on my face and calls me a slimeball,” said Constantino. “The kink shaming needs to stop. And I’m hoping my emails help. For this week only you can get a shirt for $4, which is normally $19 because I need to buy some new sheets. I’ve caked my current sheets in cum to the point it feels like I’m sleeping on concrete.”

Former Sticker Mule customer Ashley Clay says she was disgusted by both emails.

“The first email was upsetting, I honestly don’t need to know your politics. Just shut up about it and we are fine, but the second email was over the line. It went on and on about how he didn’t realize how vivid a smell could be in a dream, and then described what his brain thinks a nude, sweaty Trump smells like,” said Clay. “And the drawings, I really wish he didn’t include those sketches of Trump using him as a toilet. I might have to see a hypnotist to try to repress that image because I haven’t been able to eat.”

Ron Rudkin, owner of rival sticker company Graphic Goons, was elated to see the emails from Sticker Mule.

“Best thing that’s ever happened to me. My business has skyrocketed in the past few hours. So far it’s been a lot of punk bands with sticker ideas that would make my mother roll over in her grave, but a sale is a sale,” said Rudkin. “Honestly, I hope the kid sends a third email. Maybe something about how he thinks women’s sports are a waste of time for everyone. Or an email where he talks about how he recently read ‘Mein Kampf’ and he now believes Hitler was a misunderstood artist. If he does that then all my kids are going to private school.”

At press time, Constantino admitted to having a sexual dream about Elon Musk and hopes this doesn’t affect his relationship with former President Trump.

RNC Speaker Says Democrats Better Tone Down Rhetoric Unless They Want to Get Murdered

BY TIM GRAHAM

MILWAUKEE — Prominent businessman, and guest speaker at the Republican National convention, Anthony Winston warned Democrats to tone down their harsh political rhetoric during a divisive election year or they will all be “murdered in the streets like the dogs that they are,” confirmed sources whose voices were hoarse from cheering so loud.

“I see a lot of Democrats in office calling for peace right now, you know who else called for peace? Genghis Khan. Their perfect world involves hoards of maniacs going town to town teaching everyone about slavery and then giving them an abortion,” said a bright-red Winston. “What they don’t realize is we are only pro-life when it comes to beautiful babies. As soon as you vote blue you basically signed your death warrant. So to all the Democrat lawmakers out there heed my warning; stop talking about politics, fall in line, or the streets will run red with your commie blood.”

RNC attendee, and pledged delegate of New Hampshire, Thomas Armstrong was moved to tears by the speech.

“This country is broken right now, everything is way too politicized and I blame the politicians on the left. They keep saying the Supreme Court is eroding democracy as we know it, and it drives me absolutely insane. Whenever they run their mouths I calm myself by going to my gun shed and whispering ‘They will all hear your voice soon, you will speak loud, proud, and make heads explode’ to my assault rifles,” said Armstrong. “It’s just nice to know there are a lot of like-minded people in this room that are willing to kill anyone that disagrees with them.”

Noted political scientist Arman Derian believes this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

“Oh yeah, we are totally fucked. I mean not just mildly fucked, I mean bent over, spread open, and then devastatingly rammed. And to make it even worse, moving to Europe is out of the question now, things are only getting worse there too,” said Derian while researching remote Pacific islands. “I’m almost afraid to elaborate because I don’t want to end up on a list when the next Trump Reich starts. But I can say this, enjoy yourself as much as possible in the next few months. Pretend like a doctor just diagnosed you with terminal cancer, go see the world before it’s burned. There was beauty here once.”

At press time, RNC organizers were forced to remind attendees to refrain from masturbating whenever there was a photo of a gun on the big screen.

Custom GWAR Bidet Sprays Fake Blood and Cum

BY RYAN DONDERO

RICHMOND, Va. — Banished Scumdogs of the Universe and legendary heavy metal band GWAR are reportedly planning on releasing a limited edition custom bidet that spays fake blood and cum, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Why is GWAR selling bidets? Because I want to rip off these ugly loser bohabs who’ll pony up their firstborn for one,” said GWAR manager, Sleazy P. Martini. “I want to make the big bucks, and touring and selling branded merchandise in this economy just isn’t cuttin’ it. Do you know how many tons of crack cocaine these monsters consume daily? Do you know how expensive crack cocaine has gotten because of inflation? Thanks for nothin’ Joe Biden! Anyway, a brainless idiot from some company wanted to make a GWAR-themed bidet for fans who want their asses sprayed with blood and cum after they take a shit. I said ‘Sure. Why not? As long as it makes me money.’ Do you know how many tons of crack cocaine these monsters consume daily, and do you know how expensive crack cocaine has gotten because of inflation? Thanks for nothin’ Joe Biden!”

Brian Merrill, founder of Butt Day Bidet, says he is thrilled about the partnership with GWAR.

“Our company specializes in making custom, limited-run bidets that serve niche audiences,” said Merrill. “We’re all huge fans of GWAR here at Butt Day. As you know, GWAR showers their audience with fake bodily fluids at their concerts. We wanted to take that idea and run with it! Ultimately, we couldn’t think of a better way to pay homage to this legendary band than making a custom bidet that uses fake blood and…uh…ejaculate. We’re really happy with how everything came out, and think the fans will be, too.”

Metalhead and long-time GWAR fan, Brent De Luca, has seen GWAR countless times and is excited to purchase the bidet when it debuts.

“I’ve been in hundreds of GWAR pits throughout my time following the band,” said the excited De Luca. “I’ve taken full loads to the face from Oderus and Blöthar. I’ve been soaked in the blood of the last seven sitting U.S. presidents. And I’ve been doused in the piss, vomit, and bodily fluids of everyone from Snooki to Pope John Paul II. All those years following the band and not even once have I been blasted in the ass by blood and cum at a GWAR show. The release of this custom bidet means I’ll finally get to live out this dream. Feels great, honestly.”

At press time, GWAR is considering plans to expand its offering of plumbing products next year by releasing a Cuttlefish of Cthulhu showerhead.

Inspiring! This Man Took Mushrooms, Vowed to Better Himself, and Turned Out Much Worse

BY JACKY PRITCHARD

Meet Brian Holly, a man whose life took an unexpected turn at a Dave Matthews Band concert. In the concert parking lot, he took mushrooms and experienced what he describes as a profound revelation. “I saw the Universe and the Universe saw me. And, bro, it did not like what it saw,” Holly said. Determined to improve, he decided that taking psychedelic drugs at concerts would become his new identity on his path toward an enlightened life.

Holly went all-in on his new lifestyle, and began experimenting with every psychedelic he could find. “I was a psychonaut, man. I just knew I needed to get even MORE in touch with the Universe by ingesting every compound I came across,” he explains. Unsurprisingly, his life soon began to unravel. “First, my girlfriend left me after I kept telling her that some chemical I couldn’t even pronounce would make her a better person,” Holly recalled.

Then, in a move that stunned his coworkers, Holly quit his job despite it being his only means of support. “They begged me not to quit, but I felt I had a higher calling I needed to pursue. Honestly, it was a pretty cushy gig. I don’t know how I expected to keep buying those DMB tickets from scalpers without that job. ” Holly said, with palpable regret.

With no money, no job, and no girlfriend, Holly fell deeper into his drug-fueled lifestyle. “I couldn’t afford to go to concerts anymore, and what money I could scrape together I just spent on more drugs,” he explained.

Broke, alone, and coming down from a drug-fueled bender, Holly knew his life had to change. “I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast, and I had this vision. Kermit the Frog was there, and he told me, ‘Brian, you gotta clean your room.’ It blew my mind, it was so profound. I realized at that moment the drugs had led me astray. Instead, I needed to harness the wisdom of podcasters to learn how to live a better life,” he explained. “I’m learning so much from these brilliant minds. I’ve totally turned my life around. Now, instead of drugs, I just drink copious amounts of whiskey, smoke cigars, and listen to podcasts about how to be an Alpha Male.”

Trying to make sense of this radical shift in perspective, a psychologist was consulted to analyze Holly.

“This is a classic case of a man falling victim to the ‘Psychedelia-to-Alt-Right’ pipeline. One minute they’re listening to Joe Rogan talk about DMT, and soon they are full-blown neo-fascists. If Holly continues down his path at this rate, I fear he might end up an even worse person than initially thought possible.”

Bug That Crawled Into Man’s Ear While Using FYE Listening Station in 2002 Finally Dies

BY CHRIS BOWEN

JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. — Local music fan Alan Rickland was feeling a bit sad recently after the bug that had been living in his ear canal for over 22 years picked up from a pair of FYE listening station headphones finally passed away, grieving sources report.

“I obviously always knew the day would come that Clovis would eventually croak, and even though I never really figured out if he was a beetle or a roach or what kind of bug he was, it doesn’t make the loss any less painful,” Rickland explained somberly. “I’ll never forget that day, as a 12-year-old, listening to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ for the first time at an FYE, feeling something special musically was entering my ears, as well as a critter I would eventually call a friend. I’ll always miss him, his constant burrowing, and the way I could feel him scurry in my ear whenever I’d bump him with a cotton swab.”

Former FYE employee Melissa Parker wasn’t surprised to learn about the insect infestations at the listening stations.

“I feel like most of my time was spent removing Slayer and Cannibal Corpse CDs some jokesters would put in the Christian music section, I never really paid much attention to the listening stations,” Parker stated. “In fact, I don’t remember anyone ever cleaning those things. We actually used to joke about the headphones at our store and that the SARS outbreak back in 2003 probably started there. Still not quite as bad as the shit they used to pierce ears at the Claire’s back then.”

Many health officials agree the spread of parasites and infectious diseases have been lessened by the fact listening stations no longer exist.

“Be it headphones at record stores, video game displays at Walmarts or fortune-telling machines at hole-in-the-wall diners, the world is much safer now that these audio petri dishes have been rendered a thing of the past,” Dr. Ali Gould explained. “The data simply shows that while the older generations complain about kids never going outside or interacting with the world around them, they are much, much safer because of it. Who wants to experience life constantly getting pink-eye from arcade machines anyway? The world is a much better place now that you don’t have to leave the house.”

At press time, Rickman held a funeral for his beloved Clovis in the toilet of the mall novelty t-shirt shop that was once the FYE where they met.

Trump’s Chief Advisor Suggests Parading The Former President’s Ear Around Washington D.C.

BY BRENDAN OSORIO

WASHINGTON — After the terrible violence seen against former president Donald Trump at his rally in Pennsylvania, his camp are considering their next steps and sources have confirmed his chief advisor suggested they parade Trump’s ear around Washington.

The suggestion came from Trump’s Hand of the King, Otto Hightower, who was tasked with coming up with a way to use the horrid event for political gain. Hightower has been one of Trump’s most trusted allies for years. Advising him on many political decisions and even ruling in his stead when he was busy playing golf in Mar-a-Lago. While not confirmed, it is believed that Hightower’s shrewd political cunning was behind the decision to send Ron DeSantis to the Wall to join the Night’s Watch.

“We have to strike now and we have to strike effectively,” Hightower was heard saying to Trump in a closed small council meeting. “Trump’s mutilated ear must be paraded through the streets of the nation’s capital so the small folk can see the horrors perpetrated by the false president, Joseph Biden, second of his name. Every second we don’t act our enemies gain more power. It matters not whether this heinous act was ordered by Biden or not so long as the people believe it was.”

In a press conference held at an undisclosed golf course Trump seemingly confirmed the plan to have his ear paraded around for the people to see.

“I had the best right ear you’d ever seen, let me tell you,” Trump said. “Very sad what happened to me. No doubt this was ordered by the coward Sleepy Joe Biden as a way to make me look weak, but I’m not weak, not me. Many people are saying that I couldn’t be stronger than I am right now. Even with my poor ear looking like this. Everyone is gonna see my ear and folks you’re not gonna believe how incredible this ear is even now, let me tell you. Even after being shot by that loser gunman nobody has a better ear than me.”

At press time, Trump was rumored to be conspiring with Lord Commander of his Kings Guard, Ser Kid Rock, to send Scott Baio under cover into Biden’s camp on a secret retaliation attempt.

Trump Announces White Male Preset 3 as Running Mate

BY BRENDAN OSORIO

MILWAUKEE — The GOP filled out its ticket on Monday when Donald Trump named his running mate for 2024: White Male Preset 3.

“We’re very happy with this pick from the former president,” said an 82 year old ghoul who appeared to be a senator from Kentucky. “After Donald was almost taken from us on Saturday it was important we get back on schedule for destroying democracy this November. This VP pick is a good sign things will be back to normal soon.”

Trump’s former VP, White Male Preset 4 (old), does not seem too upset about not being picked to run again with 45, seemingly still a little peeved from that time the former president was encouraging his supporters to hang him.

“Look, I love Donald, I really do,” the former Vice President said while laying his head in his wife’s lap. “But he put my family in danger on January 6th and frankly I just don’t have it in me anymore. Being Trump’s VP is a young man’s game. Especially now that bullets are flying, mother and I have to do what’s best for us and get back to forcing gay youths into conversion therapy and then denying we were ever involved.”

Donald Trump seemed unconcerned about his former Vice President, instead focusing on his excitement for the future with Preset 3.

“Look at this guy, now that’s a vice president. I call him Vicey Val or Vicey Vince? What’s your name again? Doesn’t matter, Beardy McViceface,” Donald Trump said while bleeding profusely from the ear. That’s my guy. I picked him. It was all me, no one knows how to pick a vice president like me folks. Poor Sleepy Joe could never pick someone so American and so Vice Presidential. It’s very sad.”

Reportedly, Trump wanted to pick the AR-15 as his running mate, but decided against it after a recent dispute.