Hard Digest July 15: More Trump, Early Access Smashing Pumpkins, Uncle Kracker, Food Stamps, and More

Smashing Pumpkins Song Sends Doggy Daycare Into Frenzy After Billy Corgan Shouts “Wanna Go for a Ride”

BY CHRIS BRATTON 

CHICAGO — A local doggy daycare center went berserk after the Smashing Pumpkins lyric “wanna go for a ride” from the song “Zero” played on the radio, confirmed sources who just wanted to get out alive at this point.

“We have a strict rule about never saying the ‘R-I-D-E’ word out loud for these exact reasons, and now we have two dozen amped-up dogs with no way to calm them down unless we pile all 25 of them into my Mazda 3 Hatchback,” said manager Leslie May while getting tackled by three golden retrievers simultaneously. “The Smashing Pumpkins are the worst thing to happen to dogs since Michael Vick. Asking a pup if they want to go for a ride and subsequently not doing so is animal cruelty. Billy Corgan needs to be more responsible when writing lyrical content for his singles. He will be hearing from our lawyers about the damages.”

The longtime Smashing Pumpkins singer didn’t see a correlation.

“After you write and record words for your songs, it’s up to the fans to interpret them for themselves,” said Corgan. “Sure, the lyric ‘wanna go for a ride’ to some may mean putting on a leash, hopping in the back of an SUV, and going to the dog park. For others, it may symbolize addiction or getting drunk at an Applebee’s on a Tuesday. But in reality, that lyric is a metaphor for asking someone if they want to go on the bumper cars at the fair. I just can’t get enough of those things.”

Experts knew all about the troubled relationship between dogs and music.

“It’s very common for songwriters to overlook the effect their lyrics have on domesticated animals,” said music historian Kate Melanie. “Like in Lisa Loeb’s song ‘Stay.’ Any dog that hears the word ‘stay’ will comprehend it like a command and won’t move the entire song. Worse yet, remember ‘Hey Ya!’ by OutKast? Well, in that one part where André 3000 goes ‘shake it like a Polaroid picture,” the dogs just hear the ‘shake’ part and will instinctively extend their paws at everyone within shaking distance. It’s absolute chaos, albeit adorable.”

At press time, the Smashing Pumpkins agreed to re-record the lyric to “wanna get some treats,” but it only made cats worldwide think they were getting chicken-flavored Temptations treats.

We Successfully Petitioned To Get Uncle Kracker Canceled but Now We Can’t Remember Why

BY STEPHEN BELL

Have you ever gotten so wrapped up in what you were doing you lost sight of why you were doing it? Because we successfully campaigned to get Uncle Kracker canceled but for the life of me I can’t remember why. It’s like when you walk into a room and forget why you went into that room in the first place, but with tarnishing someone’s career, instead of walking into a room. God this is frustrating.

Did we do it because his name is racist or something? I mean “Uncle Kracker” feels like it’s definitely racist but I’m not sure who it’s directed against because Uncle Kracker is white after all. Does that mean he’s reclaiming the word “Kracker” for white people? Is it racist to try and reclaim a word when you’re in a privileged position? I mean we think so. But we don’t know if that’s what he’s doing.

I guess it could be the music but there’s nothing of substance I can find. His biggest hit was “Follow Me” which sounds a little creepy. I think I remember hearing that he wrote the song as a means of luring children back to his mystical gingerbread house where he could then cook and eat them. But if that’s why we did it then god are we dumb for believing that about him.

It could be the case we got him confused with someone else. Did we get him confused with Steve from Smash Mouth? But wait, why would we want to cancel Steve? May he rest in peace. Oh Christ I’m sad now thinking about Steve and the idea that we’d try and cancel him for no reason. Maybe we did it because we’re just assholes.

Well I guess that means we slandered an innocent man for no… OH WAIT SHIT I REMEMBER NOW! He had that incident where he groped that woman at a bar in 2007. I can’t believe I forgot about that. Also he’s friends with Kid Rock so yeah fuck Uncle Kracker. I’m glad we canceled him.

Gaming the System: Aging Millennial With Three Jobs Eligible for Food Stamps

BY DOUG KOLIC 

OLATHE, Kan. — Local 34-year-old Gareth Tabbler was somehow eligible to receive food stamps despite already having three full-time jobs, according to sources concerned for his well-being.

“Ya boy just hustled the system, y’all!” said Tabbler before collapsing to the ground in the midst of another 80-hour work week. “Who would have ever thought that I’d still be able to get government assistance even though I’m currently blessed with three jobs and an unpaid apprenticeship? I’d better not yell too loud in case someone tries to narc me out after figuring this was likely some kind of mistake. There’s just no way three jobs’ worth of compensation can add up to living below the poverty line, but here we are. I can’t wait to tell my kids that we’ll be able to have two or even three square meals again!”

Tabbler’s coworker Gerry Montgomery was confused by the man’s excitement.

“Gareth’s a good guy, but being able to get food stamps isn’t the flex he thinks it is,” stated Montgomery. “He came into work today bragging about a lifehack he just discovered but the fact that he’s still able to qualify for a government subsidy even after working himself to the bone should be an eye-opener about this depressing economy and certainly nothing to celebrate. It’s definitely not unlocking a cheat code like he thinks he did. But I won’t say anything since he’s having so much fun high-fiving everyone because he can finally afford to get lunch with us.”

Financial expert Tania Nelson explained that everyone, including people in this age group, is feeling the economic pinch.

“It actually isn’t humanly possible for Millennials to take advantage of any governmental or financial system,” Nelson quipped. “Qualifying for food stamps despite working full time, getting their healthcare paid for GoFundMe campaigns, and being able to secure housing by checking into city-run shelters are the best they can hope for. The sad fact is these people are overworked and just trying to survive in an economy working against them. Sorry, I wish I had some ideas on how to fix this problem, but I’ll be honest, there’s really no solution until we burn it all down.”

At press time, Tabbler was able to score free drinking water after he couldn’t pay his utility bill, simply by placing out some jugs to collect his neighbor’s fresh sprinkler runoff.

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Recovering Terraria Addict Begins Exposure Therapy With 3D Shapes

BY AMITY GILMOUR 

FLOYDS KNOBS, Ind. — The Hallow Medical Center is exploring a revolutionary new therapy for video game addiction after a recovering ‘Terraria’ player was approved for treatment, sources confirm.

“It’s been a long journey, but I’m beyond grateful to have made it to this point,” said patient Betsy Rellik. “It used to be that I couldn’t look at anything thicker than a piece of paper without feeling Chilled to my core. Yesterday though, I managed to hold a Rubix cube for five minutes straight.”

“I’m honestly ashamed I let myself get sucked into all of this,” continued Betsy. “One last update, they kept telling me. One last batch of content. One more round of bug fixes. Every time I walked away, ‘Terraria’ pulled me back in.”

As dozens of similar cases emerged over the past decade, private clinics have struggled with the surge in demand as well as a lack of consensus regarding proper care.

“We’ve had to tinker a lot with the treatment program,” explained a practitioner who identified herself as Nurse Lisa. “We used to stuff patients in this place called the Heart Shrine, but that had to be removed. Hell, I know one place up the road that got shut down for making dolls of their patients and throwing them into an oven. Burn ward had a field day with that one.”

“Still, now we’ve got a system in place that we’ve proven to work. Holding three-dimensional objects, watching movies with those red and cyan glasses, and for our bravest patients, several uninterrupted hours on the Nintendo 3DS. Sure, the 3D’s broken on it right now, but that’s probably for the best. We don’t want them thinking that all 3D experiences induce headaches.”

Even with cutting edge medical care, there are concerns at both the increase in cases, as well as the complex variation that may defy any ‘one treatment suits all’ solution.

“Sadly, this is a growing occurrence among the ‘Terraria’ community,” explained Dr. Drake Mire. “It all starts the same. Booting up the game, a promise to only play for a few minutes, and three days later your eyes are looking like Cthulhu’s and you’re double checking every snowman outside your house for firearms.”

“Not everyone develops a fear of the three-dimensional,” Dr. Mire continued. “Some veer the opposite way: nurturing an obsession with the flat. Shoving their furniture against the back wall, traveling solely along the X and Y axis, and acting like a real ‘dolphin out of water.’ One patient, some landlord prick, transformed a spacious two-bedroom into eighteen airtight coffins, claiming that it was, ‘valid housing.’”

At press time, Hallow Medical Center expressed gratitude for a recent seven-figure donation from Mojang Studios.

IRS Rejects Xehanort’s Tax Return After He Claims 13 Versions of Himself as Dependents

BY BRENDAN OSORIO 

WASHINGTON — Multiple sources have confirmed that Master Xehanort, wielder of the No Name, has actually had his return rejected after trying to claim thirteen versions of himself as dependents.

“When I looked at Mister Xehanort’s 1040 form I noticed a few discrepancies,” said IRS agent, Tom Grouch, “First of all he claims to be self-employed with the job title of ‘Seeker of Darkness.’ I’m not even sure what that means. He tried to write off something called the ‘Replica Program’ as a business expense, and worst of all he’s claiming all these ‘vessels’ as dependents.”

Grouch noted that he struggled to make sense of the famed keyblade master’s tax forms, saying that the more answers he searched for, the more questions arose.

“Mr. Xehanort explained to me that these thirteen individuals all carry part of his heart and therefore they are like his children. However, he provided no evidence that he actually provides for these people, most of whom appear to be adults. A couple of them actually share his name, but when I asked if they were his children, Mr. Xehanort shook his head and told me one was his younger self and one was a boy he possessed who later severed his own heart to create two more of these individuals. It was at this point I started to suspect Mr. Xehanort may be up to something nefarious here.”

While Xehanort himself refused many outlets’ requests for comments, claiming he was too busy trying to forge the 𝑥-blade, one member of his Organization XIII weighed in.

“I don’t know what the old coot was even thinking. Did he really think that tax scheme was gonna work? As if,” chortled the one-eyed Xigbar while talking to reporters on the streets of The World That Never Was. “Tax fraud is a young man’s game anyways. But, hey, what do I know? It’d be different if I had a keyblade. Seems like it would be easy to unlock pretty much any jail cell with one of those. While we’re on the subject, if I were to engage in kidnapping, attempted murder, and child endangerment while working directly under the orders of my superiors, I’m in the clear, right?”

As of press time, Agent Grouch was seen sporting a new look of silvery white hair and bright orange eyes. He announced that the IRS had made a mistake and Mr. Xehanort is a model citizen who will be receiving his full refund.