Hard Digest July 14: Early Access Zoom Meetings, Villains, Slayer, and More

M.I.T. Scientists Announce Discovery of First Zoom Meeting To Begin Without Awful Small Talk

BY TIM SHEARD 

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk.

“Observations on the weather. Awkward icebreakers. Questions about turning your camera on. We’ve seen it all,” said Dr. Klaus Buford from his basement office. “We’ve been monitoring virtual American workplaces since the pandemic began, and now we’re utilizing A.I. to assist us in identifying fumbling anecdotes at the start of any online group meeting. However, just last week, we were able to highlight a single meeting that experienced a ‘small talk vacuum,’ a blip of silence or ‘dark matter’ before anyone even spoke. We think it’s a step forward in quantum physics. Also of note was the swift end to the meeting. There was a rare finality–not a single person had a straggling question or awkwardly waved to the screen.”

Longtime Boston resident and data analyst Gus Robbards disputed the quality of the groundbreaking meeting.

“That was the worst meeting I’ve ever been to,” said Robbards over the phone while clipping coupons. “This was supposed to be a meeting for our regional office, and I came prepared. I had jokes! I had complaints about my commute. Plus there’s a new Chipotle near the main office, that’s something worth bringing up, right? Damn it, I even saw a rare bird over the weekend! I wanted to talk about how O.J. Simpson died! Sure, that was a few months ago, but still – it’s O.J.! Remember that whole thing? It would’ve gotten the social lubricant going. This is a classic tactic of mine–pick a news item, ask a stranger what they think about it, and just parachute into a one-way conversation where I hold court.”

Efficiency advocate Diana Lee-Mifsud praised the lab’s progress in workplace communication.

“I’m thrilled by the news,” admitted Lee-Mifsud from her D.C. thinktank headquarters. “Here at ‘Fighting for Time Back,’ we strive to reduce wasteful chatter on the fringes of any virtual social interaction. We encourage guests to show up early, and keep mics off unless necessary. Somehow these simple requests are repeatedly ignored. We’ve gone so far as to use ball-gags and handcuffs for ‘over-talkers’ in an attempt to quell such behavior. This year, we’re looking into voice-encryption for the hosts allowing the meeting to Start, or fines for anyone wasting a group’s time. Punishments would include loss of access to their account, banishment to the barren wasteland of Skype, or even worse: having to make actual phone calls.”

At press time, Dr. Buford was prepared to share results with the University Board, only to be delayed by small talk about everyone’s favorite seltzer brand and sandwich due to one person eating lunch on screen.

Tragic: This Villain Just Launched Into A Musical Number But His Henchmen Clearly Don’t Know The Choreography

BY PEYTON CABRAL

When you see a car accident it’s tough to look away. You know you might see something that could haunt your dreams for months to come, but you keep staring. What happened to. Rex Masterson, CEO of Toxabrand Industries, is arguably far worse than seeing the decapitated body of person just trying to ride their motorcycle to work, far worse.

Without warning, this evil titan of industry started singing and dancing, but his hired thugs clearly didn’t know what they were doing. It was tough for everyone involved, especially those who had to watch.

Masterson had just muttered the words “…but first, they need a little inspiration,” to his rival on the phone before pointing to a brass section. As the instruments started playing a bombastic tune, several henchmen who were supposed to act as his stairs failed to get in position in time, leaving Masterson having to awkwardly jump down his pedestal.

As the CEO sang, “I have a silver spoon in my mouth and a steel knife in my hand,” employee Robby Mastrobuoni casually tossed the knife in Masterson’s direction. This caused him to jump back in fear and bump into the crowd of brought-in synchronized dancers that Masterson had hired. The collision caused all of the dancers to fall like dominoes, making most of the henchmen who had been on time get even more distracted.

Determined to finish his song, Masterson lunged to press the giant red button that revealed a pool with crocodiles and sharks. Unfortunately, the henchman’s union had a designated lunch at that exact moment and foolishly set up their tables on top of the trap door. Though in an instance he lost twenty hired men, he still aimed for the grand finale upon the catwalk above.

Bellowing the chorus “I make enough green, so why do I need trees?” the CEO high stepped up the ramp, but it was pretty rusty and squeaked with each step. As the remaining goons tried to keep down vomit at the sight of their dead coworkers and put their hands above their head, the claps between his words failed to be syncopated. Most of the giant screens surrounding him showed his nefarious deeds, but one work-from-home neerdowell accidentally pulled up Zoom on the huge TV, frantically trying to turn it off.

The worst part is that Masterson can’t redo this. He sold way too many of his own stock options to be able to afford this, so he can’t exactly easily redo the performance. This was supposed to be broadcast directly to his rival’s lair, but the goons had somehow overlaid a compilation of Stephen A. Smith hot takes in the right corner.

We hope he learns his lesson and never tries this again.

Metalhead Discovers Out How Much Vomit New Slayer Igloo Cooler Can Hold After First Use

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Slayer superfan Dwayne Imico inadvertently discovered how much of his own puke his new Slayer Igloo cooler could successfully hold recently after binging on the 30 beers he kept inside of it, several greasy sources report.

“First thing I did with my new Slayer Igloo cooler I got as a gift for finishing my community service was load up with a 30-rack of Modelos, and headed down to the river to crush them while blasting my favorite tunes on my car stereo,” Imico explained. “Tell you what, this puppy sure can hold some barf! My old Metallica cooler could only hold about a gallon of puke, and this thing at least doubles that! I didn’t have to empty it out into the river where a bunch of kids were trying to swim. Everyone wins here!”

Slayer frontman Tom Araya is elated by the opportunity to cash in on his band’s name once again.

“I always figured that saying we’re calling it quits, then reforming whenever we get offered ungodly amounts of money to play a festival here-and-there wasn’t going to be enough,” Araya stated. “We were going to have to branch out with merchandising. And we thought, ‘Slayer fans love to drink, they barf all the fucking time, and they hate the embarrassment of vomiting on their own boots.’ So a Slayer Igloo cooler was the perfect way to take on all those things! This was a way better idea than the Slayer Easy Bake Oven idea.”

According to one representative of the Igloo company, the road to releasing the Slayer cooler wasn’t without its share of obstacles.

“When about two-thirds of our research and development team quit within the first day of vomit-testing, we knew this wasn’t going to be easy,” Igloo spokesman Ridley Anderson explained. “We hired metalheads specifically for the puke testing stage, but ironically, all of them kept calling off due to massive hangovers. So, we settled for major pro-wrestling fans to take their places, and our research staff were none the wiser. It was a huge success!”

At press time, Kerry King announced he would be releasing a cooler as similar to the Slayer one as he could without it actually being the Slayer one.

More From The Hard Times:

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Imperial Stormtrooper Spotted Fleeing Scene of Trump Shooting

BY JOHNNY AMIZICH 

PENNSYLVANIA — An Imperial Stormtrooper was seen fleeing the scene after Donald Trump was rushed off stage during a rally in Pennsylvania.

Trump was in the middle of a rally when shots were heard and the former president was swarmed by Secret Service agents. Eyewitnesses on the scene reported seeing a man in an Imperial Stormtrooper outfit amongst the crowd and then later fleeing the scene on a Joben T-85 speeder bike.

“Trump was in the middle of talking about how the only thing that could improve his chances of being elected was if he were to become some kind of martyr-like figure, and then the shots rang out,” Gene Polkaski, a Trump supporter said. “It’s not unusual to hear gunfire at a Trump rally, but usually it’s directed at chemtrails.”

Sheev Palpatine claimed no knowledge of the attack or any involvement of the Galactic Empire.

“I assure you the Empire has nothing to do with this and if a stormtrooper was involved then they were a rogue agent. clearly a traitor working with the rebellion. Trump is a dear friend of mine, I wish him a speedy recovery and have no doubt he will come out of this stronger and ready to take down rebel scum”

President Biden, urged to act quickly by his staff, scheduled an emergency press conference to immediately follow his evening nap and single scoop of ice cream, in order to calm the public, and disparage the actions of whoever tried to kill the shooter.

“This is obviously a very serious situation that President Biden needs to discuss with the American people, but he really needs the afternoon nap, trust me, you do not want to deal with him if he misses that one,” Chief of Staff Jeffrey Zients told the press. “Once the President has had his rest, and only after, will he address the public. He’s the only man who can do this job, so don’t even act like now is the time to take decisive action and put someone in his place who doesn’t get winded from talking. The President needs his 14 hours, and that’s that.”

At press time a group of MAGA supporters were erecting an impromptu memorial to the spot where Trump was shot.