Hard Digest July 13: Early Access Jerry Cantrell, AI, Biden, and Jet Skis

Jerry Cantrell Reveals “Them Bones” Actually About Time He Saw Spooky Skeletons Playing Rib Cages Like Xylophones

BY MATT HUSSER

SEATTLE — Jerry Cantrell reportedly revealed that 1992 Alice in Chains hit “Them Bones” was actually inspired by the time he saw spooky skeletons playing rib cages like xylophones as he was walking through a cemetery, sources close to Cantrell confirmed.

“Whenever I’d give interviews about this song I’d tell them it was about something deep like pondering the nature of my mortality, but really it was about the time I stumbled upon ‘Jammin’ Jimbone and his Marrow Band of Numbskulls’ playing some good ol’ fashioned bone jazz in the pale moonlight,” said Cantrell. “Of course I was frightened at first, but they invited me to play the jug because I was the only guy around with lips. The original title of the song was ‘Clickety Clack, Them Bones Are Back’ but Layne didn’t think we should kick off the album with a ragtime jam.”

Alice in Chains drummer Sean Kinney recalled that many of the band’s most famous songs were named after similar incidents.

“Jerry gets a reputation for being a tortured soul, but all the songs he wrote for the band were inspired by whimsical encounters. Fun fact: ‘Dam That River’ is about the time Jerry saw some industrious beavers wearing hard hats while clocking in for their shift at their construction site,” said Kinney, leafing through an old photo album. “And ‘Down in a Hole’ was about the time me and Layne buried Jerry in sand at the beach and a hermit crab wearing a beer can pinched his ear. Boy he got so mad that he threw that crab’s can in the ocean, but then he felt bad about it—and that’s where ‘Sea of Sorrow’ came from.”

Despite the legendary jam session, Marrow Band of Numbskulls frontman Jammin’ Jimbone recounted his disappointment the first time he heard “Them Bones.”

“I was jazzed when I found out that kid we jammed with made it big, but then I heard the song on the cemetery groundskeeper’s radio — ‘I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol’ pile of them bones.’ Really? I don’t come to your concerts and rag on your saggy bag of flesh,” said Jimbone, examining the stained liner notes of a discarded “Dirt” CD. “But what really ground my bones was when I saw their MTV Unplugged show—Kurt brought out the Meat Puppets for Nirvana’s Unplugged, but you can’t break off a little spotlight for your ol’ pal Jimbone?”

At press time, Jimbone later revealed that he and his band had also jammed with a young Rob Zombie in the ‘80s, but quickly noted that “White Zombie” was not their preferred nomenclature.

Who Cares if Artificial Intelligence Is Depleting Energy Resources When You Can AI Generate As Many Pictures of the Rainforest As You Want

BY ADAM FROST-VENRICK

Ifeel like there’s just no pleasing you people sometimes. In 2021, I went out and I bought Etherium and Dogecoin because they were blowing up! And you all laughed at me. In 2022, I bought some Bored Ape NFTs. And it was the joke of the season. Now I go out and I do some absolutely fantastic work with AI technology and you all look at me like I’m Grandma’s big wet chode.

Lately, there’s been a lot of chatter that AI is harmful to the environment. That the network required to keep AI up and running is a catastrophic power sucker. That generating one image is like leaving your phone plugged in for hours and hours. But I’m here to tell you, that’s an idiotic concern. “Oh won’t someone think of the poor trees. You’re destroying the rainforests!” I can hear the environmentalists shriek. But tough titty. With AI, I can generate as many pictures of the rainforest as I want, with happy little six-fingered monkeys and stretched-out palm trees.

And speaking of pictures, let’s talk about why some of the powers that be really don’t want folks like you and me using AI. See, I’ve always known I was destined to be a great artist. But I can’t draw, paint, sculpt, write, act, dance, make music, sing, or even sprinkle glitter without making a mess. And learning how to do these things is both costly and time-consuming. Ergo, the selfish “traditional artists” must also have a grudge against AI. Big Art wants to gatekeep AI art from you. Because they know how cool it looks. It looks really cool.

And I can already hear the shit talkers now: “AI doesn’t make realistic-looking humans. AI makes images that look like the nightmares of a meth-head in a German expressionist film.” That’s what they’ll say. Pearls before swine! The point of art is to be unrealistic. And I love this. Except for surrealist art, which is stupid and terrible and should be banned.

Look, I’ll admit it… the other tech ventures haven’t gone the way I thought they would. But that’s not because Crypto and NFTs are bad or stupid or fundamentally disastrous. No! It’s because the world is controlled by shadow bankers who didn’t want to see the little guy succeed. And that little guy was me. A guy who had his entire life savings taken away when someone screenshotted his apes.

Biden Assures American People He’s Still Running Despite Being Decapitated by Helicopter Blade

BY TIM GRAHAM 

WASHINGTON — President Biden insists he’s not dropping out of the presidential race even though his head was separated from his body in a freak helicopter accident suffered while exiting Marine One, according to blood-spattered sources.

“Listen, Jack, I’m the only one who can beat Trump, so of course I’m not stepping down,” said the president’s head from within a tank of preservative fluid. “Ignore the decapitation thing for a minute and look at everything I’ve accomplished. We had historic wins in 2020 and again in 2022. Under my leadership, we beat Medicare. I formed the League of Nations. I’m the guy who can stop Project 2025: A Space Odyssey. Folks, I’m fit as a fiddle. And to prove it, I’m challenging Jesse Owens to a foot race as soon as my head’s back on my body.”

Many people who were disturbed by Biden’s recent behavior say they’ll still vote for him in November.

“I voted for Biden in 2020 because he was the nominee, and if he’s on the ballot this time, I guess I’ll have to vote for him again,” sighed registered Democrat Alice Peppard. “Do I wish we had a younger option? Yes, of course. Also, I would prefer someone in decent health with his head still attached to his body. Maybe we’ve still got a chance—but if Trump does win, my plan is to try to get a Canadian to marry me to get me out of this shithole country. Barring that, I’ll just get a red baseball cap and try to blend in with the fascists.”

There are no laws or statutes which prohibit a disembodied head from running for office according to constitutional scholar Gareth McNary.

“Nowhere in the founding documents does it state that a candidate must have their head connected to their body in order to be eligible,” said McNary. “In fact, candidates aren’t required to have a conventional body at all. In 1840 a gentleman named Rudolph Weiss vied for the Whig Party nomination. Weiss was little more than an amorphous puddle of flesh that had to be wheeled around in a cart. He didn’t win the nomination—not because of his disfigurement, but because he advocated for the abolition of slavery, something that was pretty unpalatable to most voters of the time.”

As of press time, Biden’s head had been temporarily grafted onto a Boston Dynamics robot dog, allowing the president to return to the campaign trail.

Five Jet Skis That Say, “She Left Me and Took the Kids”

BY DOM TUREK

Here are some fun facts you might not know about kids; they have more tastebuds than adults, they’re born ambidextrous, and their undying loyalty is to their mother regardless of your status as sole breadwinner and objectively better-looking spouse. If Annmarie wants to move forward with the divorce proceedings and file for full custody of the kids, be my guest because I’ll be cruising away from my problems on Lake Kalamazoo at a cool 42 miles per hour. Here are five kick-ass jet skis to put the “party” in your ex-parte divorce.

SeaDoo GTX Limited Edition

This ride touts durability and “ultimate family fun” as its major selling points, but who needs a family when you have all the hottest girls at the lake flashing you while you do donuts on the lake? Sometimes the best things in life are free, but sometimes they cost 12 monthly payments of $2000.

Yamaha WaveRunner FX

Playful, fun, and stylish. All the traits my wife said I lacked can be found in the WaveRunner FX. This stand-alone beauty could be yours for $20000, which is pocket change now that I’m saving loads of cash not providing food, clothing, or shelter for my loved ones.

Kawasaki Ultra

Real men know that a high-performance vehicle is the only way to supplement a low performance in the bedroom. Bright colors, loud noises, and glow-in-the-dark decals will leave your new hot young girlfriend so satisfied, that she’ll probably forget all about your laundry list of penile dysfunctions

Honda Aquatrax SLT

With a meager price point of $600, the Aquatrax isn’t exactly something to brag about, but if the judge doesn’t rule in your favor, it may be the only watercraft you can afford. Sure, it might not attract the most attention but who wants to attract materialistic, gold-digging women anyway? That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

Polaris Jet Blaster

Somehow cheaper and even more dangerous than the Honda Aquatrax, we’ve arrived at the infamous jet blaster. Liable to explode at any moment and leave you stranded in the middle of the lake missing an arm, it offers the most affordable adrenaline rush on the market. Looks aside, this no-frills jet ski gets you from point A to point B and will likely be the only asset left in your name.