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Hard Digest July 12: Biden's Dark Confession, Early Access Weezer, Unions, Diss Tracks, Home Alone, and More
Added 2024-07-13 00:00:03 +0000 UTCDemocrats in Crisis After President Biden Uses Bathroom With Hot Mic and Confesses to Robert Durst Murders
BY DAN RICE
WASHINGTON — Top Democratic decision-makers are reportedly doing damage control after President Biden confessed to multiple murders on a hot mic after another damaging public appearance, multiple sources confirmed.
“We’ve all been having private conversations about whether or not he’s still fit to run ever since President Biden’s bad debate showing. Up until now our biggest concern was his mental acuity, now our biggest concern is the multiple brutal murders he openly admitted to,” said House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries while Googling “How easy to move to Portugal?” “But right now we are still firmly standing behind President Biden. He’s a good man, even if he did admit to murdering his own friends. If this were former President Trump he would pump a vagrant no one would believe full of Rohypnol and confess his sins to them in a soundproof chamber like he did every first and third Thursday of every month when he was in office.”
While this revelation has bolstered the voices of those already calling for Biden’s withdrawal, some experts are calling the leak good news for the current president.
“Conservatives simultaneously want you to believe that Biden is mentally unfit for office and that he was cunning enough to orchestrate three murders and pin them all on a prominent New York financier. It’s pure desperation,” said political analyst Stephen J. Myers. “American voters are far more concerned with inflation, home prices, and immigration. They do not care if their president dismembered someone and ditched their body in Galveston Bay. Besides, the Supreme Court made it legal for a President to do whatever the hell they want.”
Below is the full transcript of President Biden’s confession, his campaign is yet to respond.
“What the hell did I do? Yup, killed them all of course! Kathleen Durst, Susan Berman, Morris Black, hell cut that sucker up good. Iced all those turkeys, sure did, me and Cornpop! Hey, is this thing on?” The rest of the recording seems to be Biden attempting to rehearse the line “I am mentally competent enough to hold the office of the President” again and again before being shuffled away by an anonymous staffer.
At press time, Robert Kennedy Jr. released a statement saying his latest brain parasite forbids him from taking a human life, but does encourage him to set abandoned buildings on fire.
Couple that Met at Weezer Concert Telling Everyone They Met on Christian Mingle
BY NEEL BHAKTA
HOUSTON – A local couple who initially met at a Weezer are reportedly lying to friends and family, by claiming they found each other through the dating site Christian Mingle, skeptical sources reported.
“Yeah we sure did meet on the only dating platform that caters exclusively to Christian singles. I’m super religious and every day I thank God for girls. Well, actually, just for this one girl in particular. Jennifer’s great, she’s kind, really smart and she’s scorching hot. I call her El Scorcho, just as a cute pet name,” said lovebird Gregory Willis. “She just gets me on another level, she’s like the pork to my beans. It’s not every day I buy a $25 beer for some random girl I just met. Did I say beer? I meant communion, we definitely had our first date at church where we split one of those Jesus wafers together.”
Friends of the couple are skeptical of the relationship’s nature and believe they met elsewhere.
“Let’s cut the shit. There’s no way they met on a dating app, let alone Christian fucking Mingle. It had to be that Weezer concert they went to because there’s no way anyone leaves a Weezer concert happy unless you meet the love of your life,” said longtime mutual friend Billy Murdoch. “God, it makes me sick. Now he’s wearing black rimmed glasses like Buddy Holly and she’s fucking got the Mary Tyler Moore haircut from the ‘Dick Van Dyke Show.’ Are we serious here? He asked me to start calling him Jonas and I just can’t, I don’t want to be associated with liars anymore, let alone Weezer fans.”
Licensed couples therapist and relationship expert Laurie Dahl weighed in on the couples’ suspect background.
“This may be shocking, but I’ve seen cases similar to Gregory and Jessica’s all across the world. I mean, it’s one thing to be embarrassed about liking Weezer, but to cover it up using Christian Mingle is like getting caught masturbating and telling your parents you were just practicing your D&D dice rolling technique,” said the disappointed Dahl. “There’s so many great bands out there to base a relationship off. Even Fleetwood Mac would’ve been a better choice, even with the whole ‘Rumours’ fiasco. I don’t know if they’re gonna last, but I’m rooting for them! I think they’d be the first Weezer fans to ever have sex.”
At press time, the couple announced they are no longer seeing each other because one side of the duo is looking for someone who is at least half-japanese and the other side is lesbian.
Opinion: I Actually Work at the Dick Sucking Factory. Here’s Why I’m Voting ‘Yes’ to Unionize
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
Since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, the ruling class has done their best to extract as much capital from their workers while subjecting them to low pay, dangerous working conditions, and soul-crushing hours. It was only through ironclad solidarity (and a whole lot of violence) that any workers’ rights were established, and data clearly shows those very rights have been eroding for the past 40 years.
So when you tell me you’re going to come down to the dick sucking factory to slap the dicks out of my mouth and see how I like it, I can tell you I’m not going to like that very fucking much. And that’s exactly why I’m voting to unionize this workplace.
These privileged, silver spoon-licking troglodytes in their ivory towers could never fathom putting in 10 hours of neck-breaking, throat-ravaging, head a day to keep their kids in daycare. For every dick we suck, they make the same amount giving ten-second handjobs. How is that even remotely fair?
We all saw what happened at the shit eating factory last month when those jobs were outsourced to Mexico, and now there’s talk of ass licking going completely automated in Nashville. It’s only a matter of time before we’re next just to appease the investors. They can tell me what to do the day I see them work ten graveyard shifts in a row gargling shaft.
All we want is fair compensation, along with chiropractic and arthritis care added to the health insurance package. You can’t even imagine how many of us have the necks of a 70-year-old. Oh, and we want the company to provide protective goggles! Ridiculous, I know. We had six guys lose an eye last year alone.
If this vote passes and the head honchos won’t meet our demands, I am absolutely ready to walk away and go on strike. When the carpet munchers in Lansing joined the plumbers union, they had to strike for six months but they won. Now they can actually feel their jaws when they go home at night.
They may threaten to replace us with those scabs from the truck stop glory holes off of I-90, but we’ll seize the means of production one way or another, even by the balls if we have to. My father was a dick sucker and so was his father. This is my bloodline I’m protecting.
Biden’s Approval Rating Soars After He Releases Diss Track About Drake
BY SEAN FALLON
WASHINGTON — President Biden’s struggling campaign was given a sudden boost with his approval numbers at record highs after releasing a blistering diss track aimed at Drake, confirmed sources who might actually vote this year.
“After that awful performance in the debate, I was ready to write Biden off,” said Representative Lloyd Doggett, D-Austin, who had called for Biden to step down and let someone else take on Donald Trump in November. “But after I heard the track, called ‘1812,’ I thought, oh shit, Biden is popping off! Getting Dr. Dre to produce it was a masterstroke and that guest verse by Kamala Harris? I didn’t know she could spit that fast. Yeah, I finished it and just went back to the start and had to run that shit back.”
Biden detractors feel like the track is a cheap attempt to grab youth votes after the poor debate performance and the media’s constant reporting on his age.
“It’s all just a ploy,” said Robert Finney, a Trump supporter and writer for the Daily Wire. “Dropping a blistering diss track against a corny-ass colonizer is the oldest trick in the book. Bill Clinton dropped one against Vanilla Ice in the early ‘90s which paved the way to the White House for him and I’m shocked Biden is just repeating a hackneyed idea. Also, Biden is very old. That’s why I’m voting for the younger Trump.”
Experts were quick to weigh in on the track that was dropped at midnight on the official White House YouTube channel.
“Not since Nas’ ‘Ether’ or Kendrick Lamar’s recent ‘Not Like Us’ have we heard such an intense lyrical takedown of a pop culture icon,” said Maria Prescott, a musical historian and an expert on rap beefs. “Biden drops all kinds of double, triple, and even quadruple entendre while degrading Drake’s record sales, swag, entourage, and time on ‘Degrassi.’ The spoken word opening in which he says that Drake can download the song as a PDF file made me pause the track and pour myself a drink. It’s a brutal opening and really sets the tone for the onslaught that follows.”
At press time, Drake was seen staring out windows while a single tear fell from his eye.
Not So Tough Now: How We Easily Beat the Crap Out of the 8-Year-Old Currently Living in the “Home Alone” House
“Home Alone” is a movie that helped define a generation and is still revered to this day. The film follows the exploits of young Kevin McAllister as he defends his home from two bumbling thieves. If you are anything like us then you’ve probably thought to yourself “This would never happen to me, I would have smoked that stupid kid.” Well, we decided to put it to the test, and it turns out the kid living in Kevin’s childhood home was rather easy to beat up, almost too easy.
In order to maintain authenticity we wanted to take on the kid by himself. We started by breaking into the house late at night, tying up the parents, and their other 12-year-old son, then locked them in the garage. They offered little resistance. Yes, we threatened them with a gun, but it wasn’t even loaded. Well, it wasn’t fully loaded. It only had four bullets, and we wrote the name of a family member on each bullet and then loaded the gun in front of the mom and dad to show them we meant business. Now it was time to test ourselves against the kid.
When we opened the door to his bedroom he wouldn’t stop screaming. We explained to him that we were just there to beat the crap out of him and steal all the valuables from his home, but that we would give him 30 minutes to try to outsmart us. He could set as many traps as his little heart desired. The game was on, we started a timer then returned to our Prius and waited.
Finally, it was time to make our move, and we were incredibly disappointed. The doorknob was not booby-trapped, I had purchased $75 leather gloves to counter this maneuver, and I felt like I wasted my money. After getting inside and walking straight up the stairs without slipping on any toy cars or getting hit in the face with paint cans we were starting to think this kid was a dud. But we had to be careful, the kid could be hiding somewhere with his BB gun ready to shoot us in the testicles. Well, it turns out he never left his bedroom. He was still there crying. It was almost sad, we even asked if he needed another 15 minutes to set a trap and all the kid did was ask for his parents.
Now it was time for the final showdown. The kid was a complete disappointment, he did nothing to defend his home, and now it was time to fight him once and for all. My partner in crime had been taking some cardio kickboxing classes so he wanted to take first crack at the kid. All it took was one punch. The kid was out cold. We stole his Switch, a PS5 from the family room, and a few handfuls of jewelry from the parent’s room.
Maybe kids in the ‘90s were tougher.
Heartbreaking: Developer Concept Art Leak Shows Entirely Better Game
SAN FRANCISCO — Gamers are heartbroken after early development concept art for the widely hated fourth entry of the popular game series Soulblade leaked online showing off a much better game than what was actually released.
Soulblade IV: Bloodflow was widely panned by fans of the series for abandoning the story of the previous games and moving the series in a completely different direction. The concept art shows a game much more aligned with what fans wanted.
“It’s clear based on these images that the fourth entry would have focused on the aftermath of the third game’s ending rather than completely ignore and undo it,” said series fan Jacob Heller on Twitter. “These images are awesome, they’re dark and disturbed like Soulblade is supposed to be, not that bright cel-shaded bullcrap they made just to appeal to normies.”
One of the most severe backlashes that Bloodflow faced was the redesign of protagonist Raphael and antagonist Mephisto but the concept art shows they were originally going to more closely resemble their iconic looks.
“Look at these images side by side. Look how overcomplicated they made Raph compared to this nice simple approach they were originally going to do. How could they think what they did was good? It’s character assassination. Don’t even get me started on how they massacred Mephisto. The concept art shows the most badass thing I’ve ever seen and in the final game, they made him look like an English professor. I hope they shut down,” said user RaphxMeph on the Soulblade subreddit
Mark Boyle, one of the lead developers of Bloodflow was interviewed about the leaked concept art and gave insight into their design decisions.
“The initial pitch for the game was an entry that would not only resolve the story beats of the last three entries but tie it all together cleanly while expanding on fan-favorite elements from the original games,” explained Boyle. “We knew that fans would love it but we also were aware that a lot of the fandom became quite unruly and demanding so we decided to stick it to them with this new direction. It was to send a message really. And the higher-ups at the publisher were very pleased with the layoffs they could justify after the poor sales.”
At press time, the studio released a statement online defending the game and telling fans to look forward to the new direction of the franchise. The statement was viciously ratioed.
Report: Joe Biden Refuses to Pass Controller to Another Player
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden is refusing to pass the controller to America over to another player in the Democratic party following his disastrous 1V1 against Donald Trump during the first Presidential Debate on June 27th.
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre has been sparring with reporters during daily press briefings, blaming the poor performance of factors out of the President’s control.
“Joe Biden has been playing this game longer than most of the people in this room have been alive. He knows more than anyone that sometimes you just have a bad match, but one bad match doesn’t equate to just handing the controller over to someone else,” Secretary Jean-Pierre said. “It wasn’t even his fault. This was not a skill issue, the reason he kept frequently stopping and stuttering was because of lag and it wasn’t from his end. The President was also playing on an unfamiliar stage, and against an opponent who does not fight fair. Our hope is the upcoming September debate will receive a balance patch that will play to our strengths.”
The Democrats find themselves caught between a desire to ensure victory against Donald Trump, and wishing to avoid drawing the ire of President Biden. The messaging behind closed doors clashing more and more with what members of the party are saying to the press.
“Joe Biden should do what he decides to do and when he decides to do it I will respect whatever he decides,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said on CNN. “If that decision is to decide to make the determination to pass the controller to someone else or to shuffle across the finish I know he will decide which decision is the best one to make a determination about.”
President Biden himself has been openly defiant, white-knuckling the controller and insisting he’s the only one who can beat Donald Trump in November.
“C’mon, man!,” President Biden said during an interview with George Stephanopoulos. “I beat Donald Trump in 2024, and I’ll do it again in 2008, Jack! Everyone’s reaction speeds get slower as they age, but I can still outwit my opponent. Watch me!” When asked what would happen if all the things he had predicted would come to pass if Trump were re-elected and be given the controller to America, Biden said, “All that matters is that I try to do the absolute job to do the job best and what tries is what matters. A little bit of ice cream and all it is is gangbusters. I’ll be fine. And by the way, I’m not using a claw grip, my hands just look like that now.”
At press time, President Biden has locked himself in the Oval Office with the controller while angry Democrats demanding he hand it over patiently wait for him to do so.
