Hard Digest July 11: Early Access Conversations, 5 Disc Changers, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and More

Man Wishes He Could “Like” Messages to End Conversations In Real Life

BY TYLER ROLAND 

PORTLAND—Local man and self-confessed “introverted-ass” Will Dobbs is pleading for a real-life equivalent to the popular text and Instagram “like message” feature, chronically online sources confirmed.

“There are a lot of ways I can imagine it working,” Dobbs pondered as he threw his phone across the room after sending a message on Hinge. “Saying ‘liked a message’ out loud. Throwing up a heart symbol with your fingers and walking away. Reaching out and double tapping the other guy’s chest. God, I’d take anything to end some of these conversations where you’re just stuck making bad jokes with someone about the weather for 25 minutes at a time.”

“And when things are serious it’s so much easier than having to come up with a thought-out, engaging response,” Dobbs concluded while shakily lighting a cigarette after noticing that two minutes had passed without a response.

Dobbs’ longtime friend Owen Gage is frustrated by his lack of effort in the realm of basic communication.

“Dude’s been like this ever since I met him. Every time I send Will something meaningful–could be a passion project I’ve worked on, a shoutout on his birthday, asking to donate to my mom’s cancer fundraiser, anything–he responds the way I would to some meme I’ve already seen twenty times. Just wants to end the, uh, conversation before it even begins,” said Gage. “Like, just the other day, I asked him if he wanted to see this band he wouldn’t shut up about ‘cause my cousin is opening. He just heart-reacted to the message. Jesus, he didn’t even say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ You could give him a Nobel Prize and he’d just send a text saying ‘lol.’”

Veteran linguist Brock Davidson mourns the demise of actual conversations and the lost art of wrapping up a friend-to-friend exchange.

“Look, I’m not expecting Emily Post etiquette here,” Davidson clarified. “But could these people act a little more lifelike? Before you know it, we’ll be a society of vague charades,” said Davidson. “They all have a soapbox where they can create elaborate threads on political upheaval and social injustices and they can’t give their friends more than two words. Oh shit, just got a text from my wife. She’s going into labor. Shit. I’m just gonna ‘emphasize’ it, I guess.”

At press time, Dobbs, pulled over for speeding, was hypothesizing how he could say “message seen 12 hours ago” to the cop walking up to his window.

Opinion: The 5-Disc Changer I Got for Christmas in the 8th Grade Is the Purest Form of Listening to Music

BY KYLE DONLEY

The age-old question persists—how is recorded music meant to be heard? Is it the warm crackle of vinyl, with all its analogue imperfections? Is it the pristine audio quality of lossless FLAC and its ever-evolving permutations of audio compression codecs? As an adjunct professor in the audio engineering department at Devry University, I’ve simply heard it all and I’m here to set the record straight.

The purest form of listening to music is the 5 disc-changer I got for Christmas in 8th grade.

This exceptional piece of hardware from the fine folks at Sanyo was truly the vanguard of audio technology in 2001, which, as detailed in some of my previous writings, is considered to be the greatest year in audio innovation ever. So why then did my mom decide to throw it away, like literally side of the curb next to the trash can instead of, oh I don’t know, donating it to the Devry Institute Museum of Sound!?

Sadly this is nothing new for the 5DC, oft-maligned for its rudimentary functionality and cumbersome appearance. The 14-second pause between songs was far from a distraction. The whirring, mechanical noises of the 5DC’s inner workings was a necessary palate cleanser that is all but missing from today’s “I Want It Now” culture. Why does it have so many flashing lights on its interface that you literally have no way to turn off unless you unplug the unit, you may ask. Umm, because it’s fucking awesome.

You have to understand, there was a level of swagger and pizzazz at play in audio technology in 2001. It was big, it was bright, and it looked sweet as hell in my room. A common misconception about audio quality is that it’s all about “audio quality”. Wrong! It’s about attitude. And personality! In fact, there is no better way to define oneself than selecting 5 CD’s from your binder and listening to their tracks in randomized order.

And while the CD curation could be a highly personal and divisive task, I’ve found, through vast research, the most objectively pure rotation to be Goldfly (Guster), Lost and Gone Forever (Guster), Out Cold sdtk, The Good Times (Afroman), and a CD-R Matt made of the best Guster and Dispatch songs.

But sadly the unhinged nature of the 10DC proved to be the most prescient harbinger of audio tech, giving way to unfocused Spotify playlists, zipping around from artist to artist without a care in the world! There’s already too much change happening as it is, what with your parents’ divorce and high school right around the corner. The last thing we need is an algorithm shoving new music down our throats. What we need is Guster.

New Lin-Manuel Miranda Musical Adapts Brand New/Taking Back Sunday Beef for the Stage

BY PETER WOODS 

NEW YORK — A group of Broadway producers greenlit a highly anticipated musical with an original book by Lin-Manuel Miranda that chronicles the history of beef between emo bands Taking Back Sunday and Brand New, confirmed sources who just hope the production will be historically accurate.

“I couldn’t be more excited to bring this extremely American tale to the stage. The lyrics and music will be taken from the catalogs of both bands but with all of the unnecessary background screaming edited out,” said Miranda. “The beef between these two bands really encapsulates the fullness of the human spirit. Betrayal, romance, thirst for power and the importance of family, it’s all there. But at its core, it boils down to something we can all relate to: profiting off of extreme pettiness. That’s what ‘Hamilton’ was all about too. At least I think so.”

Members of the bands also shared their excitement for the upcoming musical.

“I just know this is going to be super vindicating for us,” said Taking Back Sunday drummer Mark O’Connell. “What could be better than watching all of those doofuses in Brand New looking like idiots in front of a sell-out crowd as a bunch of grown-up theater dorks do impressions of them on stage? But what’s even better is that we’re going to look awesome because a bunch of really cool actors are going to be playing us on stage, probably. I really hope Hugh Jackman plays me.”

However, not everyone associated with the bands is excited for the production.

“Goddammit, why are they doing this?” said Jessica Daly, a former romantic interest of Taking Back Sunday guitarist John Nolan and Brand New vocalist Jesse Lacey. “My life already sucks enough because of these douchebags and now it’s getting turned into a musical? Fuck me. Thank god that orgy I had with My Chemical Romance never made it past Tumblr. That would have been a real nightmare.”

According to an inside source, Miranda’s intent to cast an all-Black and Latinx cast has already been shelved because “only white boys want to sing that whiny crap.”

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Fallen Gamer Honored with 21 Light Gun Salute

BY TRAYE HOLLAND

CHICAGO — A moving scene unfolded today as beloved husband, father, and gamer Marcus Stanfoot was met with a 21 light gun salute as he was lowered into his final rest point. He was 52.

Marcus was eulogized by Moss Hudson, a close Steam friend who he had never spoken to outside of Destiny 2 sessions.

“Today we press F to pay respects,” said Hudson, “Marcus was as much of a gamer as you could get. He grew up in the age of arcades. He was one of the first to be diagnosed with Nintendo thumb. His Steam library was more voluminous than the Library of Alexandria. But now he has unfortunately run out of continues.”

As the gamers in attendance shed their tears, they pointed mint-condition NES Zappers to the sky with sunlight-deprived hands and fired in three volleys as if flocks of 8-bit ducks soared overhead. Duck Hunt was, reportedly, Marcus’s favorite game. 

The funeral was catered with Marcus’s favorite food. Taco Bell. DoorDashed, the way Marcus preferred to receive it. Baja Blast was poured onto Marcus’s gravestone so that he could enjoy one final drink of the elixir that had fueled his gaming life for years. On his gravestone the succinct words were chiseled: HE DIED.

Marcus is survived by his wife, Sarah Stanfoot, and their six kids: Zelda, Lara, Pong, Riven, Gordon, and Doomguy. According to Sarah, Marcus’s death was as tragic as it was inevitable.

“He had a heart condition,” said Sarah. “He was told not to do any intense cardio or play any rage-inducing games. I told him not to play Only Up, but he always had this overwhelming drive to play every game he could. He fell down to the start of the game for the eighteenth time or so and that was it. Game over. At least he died doing what he loved.”

Marcus was buried with his beloved Razer Viper V2 Pro gaming mouse in one hand and a PS5 Dualsense controller in the other, as “he believed in unity between console and PC gamers,” according to Sarah. The original intention was to also bury him with his beloved Nintendo Switch, but Sarah still has her Stardew Valley save on it.

Gamer’s Way of Life Threatened by Mechanic They Don’t Have to Engage With

BY MATT FRESH 

PHOENIX — Local gamer Gordon Bailey has begun reaching out to the gaming community for help after his way of life has been threatened by a video game implementing an optional mechanic that he doesn’t have to engage with.

After Bioware recently revealed that the next game in the Dragon Age series would have an optional mode that removes the ability for the player to die, Bailey took to social media in disbelief that a game studio would threaten his existence in such a blatant manner.

“Why would they do this? Why do they hate us so much as to do something like this,” tweeted Bailey to his dozens of mostly bot followers. “I obviously can only speak for myself but I know I’m not the only one whose life is affected by this callous move. I pride myself on only playing games on the hardest difficulty with one hand tied behind my back and never pausing so for them to make a game that caters to casuals is an attack on my very way of life. It’s like they don’t want me to exist.”

Bailey isn’t alone as many other gamers replied to his post in support.

“This is just the latest in a long line of incidents threatening our way of life,” replied Jackson Ryker. “As real gamers we are the most persecuted group in the history of the world and this is just another attempt to erase us from existence. No one has suffered as much as us but we will get through this and we will persevere. When this game fails they’ll see what a mistake they made in trying to be rid of us.

Bioware responded to the accusations in bewilderment.

“They know they can just not use the mode right? They don’t have to select it, we’re not forcing them, they can make it harder if they want.” said gameplay designer Bernard Morin.

Bailey further claimed he will not take this lying down.

“They can say what they want about this being optional but we all know they want everyone to use it and will do whatever they can to push it on us. Well I haven’t spent the last few years harassing and demanding people to play games on hard mode even if they don’t want to have this baby gamer mode forced on me. How dare they think they can do that, I will fight this. I should be able to play games however I want.”

At press time, Bailey has begun replying “git gud” to all posts praising the mode for making the game more accessible to more gamers regardless of ability or impairments.