Hard Digest July 10: Early Access AI, Shoplifting, Bruce Dickinson, and More

Nation’s Dads Walk On Washington After Seeing Power Bill for Using AI

BY DAN KOZUH 

WASHINGTON — An army of dads from across the nation descended upon the capital in a wave of cargo shorts and socks with sandals to protest skyrocketing power bills due to the surge in AI usage, White House insiders report.

“When I got a leaked copy of Google’s energy bill and saw how much energy this AI machine was using up, I knew I had to take a stand. Let me be very clear, this isn’t an environmental thing, it’s about responsible spending,” Bob Henderson, a 52-year-old dad from Ohio and leader of “Dads Against Digital Drain” (DADD) hollered into a megaphone, holding a sign that said “Turn Off the AI When You’re Done.” “If I am not going to let my kids leave the lights on or run the air conditioning below 77 degrees, there is no way in hell I am going to let these tech companies run up a bill so some California liberal can find out what they look like as a Golden Girl.”

Amid the chaos of dads storming Washington, the White House was forced to respond with a mix of trepidation and understanding.

“At first we thought we had another January 6th on our hands. But we understand the concerns of America’s dads and are looking into solutions, but there is little the government can do,” White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre stated during a press conference. “In the meantime, we suggest change begin at home. Don’t let your teens use ChatGPT to write their essays about ‘Of Mice and Men,’ don’t use Stable Diffusion to make raunchy Marge Simpson images, and don’t ask an AI assistant about the weather when you can just look outside.”

Meanwhile, tech companies are scrambling to address the issue, with some suggesting power-saving modes for AI systems.

“At Google, we understand the growing concerns among fathers regarding power consumption associated with AI systems,” said company spokesperson Lisa Bradley. “We’re exploring some exciting new methods to save power that we think fathers will appreciate, such as training AI to respond to questions by saying, ‘I don’t know, ask your mother,’ reducing its active processing time. We are also considering using pedal-powered servers generated by children in the third-world. We are even beta testing a ‘low-power mode’ where the AI will only generate images based on low-quality Facebook nostalgia-bait memes about drinking hose water and participation trophies.”

As of press time, DADD has staged a sit-in in the Capitol rotunda until the AI power crisis is solved or someone teaches them to set up their Alexa, whatever comes first.

On a Budget? Here Are 10 Retailers With No-Chase Policies

BY TIM SHEARD

It’s 2024. Inflation has hit all aspects of the economy, corporate layoffs continue in mass, and Red Lobster’s bottomless shrimp option has effectively help them dig their own grave. We here at Hard Times know that things are tough for everyone across the board and would like to offer some sound advice to our loyal readers. That said, here are our top ranked stores with no-chase policies to help better inform your budgeting decisions.

Lowe’s

Their selection of DeWalt power tools may be expensive, but what isn’t expensive is the grey hanes sweatshirt you’re using to conceal it as you breeze through the entrance doors with ease. A beep from door sensors might go off but most of the employees couldn’t give two shits to take any sort of action. They’re too busy listening to boomer Deb describing the new light fixtures she’s going to install in her in-law unit and praying for one to drop on their skull. Enjoying keeping your newly acquired items or dump them at your local flea market for some quick cash.

Bed Bath and Beyond

The company recently filed for bankruptcy due to declining sales over the past few years, or so they say. But we all knew what was leading to the downfall, you and your D-Beat friends having easy access to an endless supply of Soda Streams and an emergency exit door with an alarm that didn’t work. Also, you’d be shocked at how easy it is to walk out with a comforter underneath your arm as long as you just act confident. Beyond worth exploiting.

Footlocker

For some odd reason, you can still find some of these stores that put name brand shirts and jackets right by the front entrance. You can execute an in and out product grab within a matter of seconds. Remember, just because someone is wearing a referee shirt doesn’t mean they had to pass a physical fitness test to get it. Snatching shoes can be on the trickier side but is still doable. Working in teams is usually best for this. Ask for some shoes, try them on, and then have your friend distract the employee with some punishing conversation about Travis Scott Jordans. It’s like a shittier version of Ocean’s Eleven.

Gamestop

We here at Hard Times never played a PS5 game that we didn’t like. We also never met a Gamestop employee that was physically capable of clearing the front counter by the time we had darted out the front door with some overpriced collector’s edition game.

GNC

There is never anyone in here (including the employees). Feel free to take your time and shop around before exiting the store through the front door with B12 vitamins in your hand like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

Whole Foods

A store with prices so outrageous shoplifting from here is more to make a political point that it is for an easy grift. They are currently having a sale where produce is currently 20% off. It turns out you can take another 80% off if you stuff the oranges in your backpack with the Wolfbrigade backpatch and exit through their rarely watched side entrance.

Victoria’s Secret

Important to note that ladies will have a much easier time getting in and out of here unnoticed. It is impossible for any guy to go in here solo and not look like a total scum bag. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a guy in here by himself and didn’t think that he has an active restraining order? Ladies, feel free to load up your bags and stroll out the front door. Ain’t nothin’ happening.

Walgreens

Almost no explanation necessary at this point. Everyone’s social media feed is peppered with footage from Walgreens getting robbed with ease and not a damn thing being done about it from staff or the third-party security guards they hired. In the realm of stores with no-chase policies, this one is a lay-up shot. Bring a friend and make a game out of how many bars of Dove deodorant you can load up in your sweatpants.

CVS

Much like its competitor Walgreens, the competition also appears to be bleeding into the realm of which store is easier to steal from. 8 times out of 10 you are probably going to run into someone who is also in the process of ripping something off. Feel free to strike up a conversation and make a new friend. You can rest easy knowing you are making connections and won’t be getting tackled by store staff.

Nike

Second floor fire escape. Just do it.

Bruce Dickinson Has Notes for Audience After Letting Them Sing Chorus

BY CORY COUSINS 

TAMPA, Fla. — Legendary Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson stopped a song midway through during the band’s Soft Retirement Of The Beast U.S. Summer Tour to give fans notes after letting them sing the chorus, baffled concertgoers confirmed.

“Of course I love to involve the audience when we play live, but this was just a load of rubbish,” noted Dickinson. “We were tearing through ‘Run To The Hills’ which has a spectacular chorus, right? So I decided to turn it over to the fans. Bloody hell, it’s like they were pissed on a dozen pints at a karaoke bar. I stopped the song and clapped the beat and tried to get them to sing in tune. It was utterly pointless. I love our fans, but please, let’s have your shit together next time. We demand better from them.”

Attendees at last night’s concert shared a different perspective from the perfectionist frontman after their performance.

“Yeah it was pretty weird,” remembered showgoer Claire Hamilton. “We were all in the pit near the front of the stage, getting into the song, when Bruce pointed the mic at us to sing. I was like, ‘Hell yeah! This kicks so much ass!’ Then about halfway through the chorus, Bruce just stopped the band and gave us a music lesson. He brought a tuner out like my old band director and made us tap our feet to a metronome. It kinda sucked, honestly. I mean, I just went there to drink beer and hail Satan, not sit through a 30-minute presentation about how to harmonize in unison.”

As Dickinson became more frustrated with the audience, the sound guy already had a backup plan for such a disastrous moment.

“I’ve been through a few of these U.S. tours with Bruce and the guys before,” commented veteran Iron Maiden sound guy Richard Brixington. “When Bruce is running through a tune and the audience isn’t up to snuff with his stringent musical expectations, he gives me the ‘horns up’ signal, and I pipe in an AI-generated chorus that is more suited to his liking. It, in effect, relieves the audience of their shitty performance.”

At press time, Iron Maiden’s manager made an announcement that all following shows will require potential front-row audience members to pass a brief vocal audition before being granted access.

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Feel Old Yet: The Snot Nosed Kid is Now a Snot Nosed Man

BY MATT FRESH 

OUTSET ISLAND — Do you remember the kid from Outset Island with the snot hanging from his nose? Well get ready to feel old because we caught up with him and he’s no longer a snot nosed kid, he’s a snot nosed man.

The boy whose real name is Zill has been living a quiet life in the 20 years since he first became famous for the long snot booger hanging from his nose.

“The truth is I never left the island. I like it here, I know everyone, I help my mom and dad with the pigs,” said Zill. “A lot of people might have thought that I’d be bolting off the island first chance I could due to my attention hog nature when I was a kid but I’ve matured a lot, I have responsibilities here. It’s been twenty years. I’m not that little kid anymore with a comically large and grotesque piece of snot hanging out of my nose, I’m a grown man with a comically large piece of snot hanging from my nose.”

When asked why he still chooses to have a large piece of snot hanging halfway down his body, Zill says it’s a piece of his identity.

“It’s what makes me stand out. It’s my thing. I couldn’t just be Zill, no one would remember Zill but everyone remembers Snot Nosed Kid. It’s a sad fact of life but no one remembers the random people around any given island, you need some sort of singular thing that defines who you are. You need to be the Elvis looking guy or the big swollen head guy or the pedophile guy.”

“We get a lot of tourists here now since it’s the home of the hero who defeated Ganondorf and they all immediately recognize me because of my snot. ‘You’re the annoying kid who always tried to follow Link around’ they say and if I was just Zill they wouldn’t know who I am, “Zill continued. Link interacted with everyone on this island, but outside of Link’s Grandma and sister, Sturgeon, Orca and I are the ones that tourists flock to. Yeah I’m in my late twenties now and have a job but the snot isn’t going anywhere.”

We tried to interview other residents to see what they’ve been up to in the last twenty years but Zill wouldn’t stop following us around.

Dumbass Kid Buys New Pikachu Plush Instead of Rare Factory Error Next to It

BY BEN CHERRY M 

BEND, Ore. — Local child Stephanie Vasquez has greatly disappointed her parents after she chose to buy a brand new Pikachu plush toy instead of the rare factory error Squirtle plush that was right next to it on the shelf.

Vasquez’s father Daniel made a Reddit post about the incident on r/kidsarestupid to lament about his daughter’s lesser IQ level.

“This is just an absolute nightmare as a father. You always want the best for your kids but it’s so demoralizing when your kid proves without a shadow of a doubt that they’re an absolute dumbass. I still love her of course but this makes it so much harder. When we got into the aisle with the Pokémon plush toys and I saw her face light up I was so proud of her because I was sure she was going to pick the Squirtle whose face was upside down but instead she grabbed the Pikachu right next to it and my soul left my body. She’s 8, she should be smarter than this.”

Vasquez’s mother Gina made her own social media post about the incident, asking her Facebook friends for recommendations on special schools to send their daughter.

“As many of you know by now Stephanie recently chose to buy a brand new perfectly normal Pikachu instead of the factory error Squirtle that was clearly more rare and valuable thus proving that she is of a much lower intellect than she should be. That Squirtle could have eventually paid to send her to a college that we now know she’d never get accepted to. We love our daughter and want the best for her so we are going to send her to a school that specializes in teaching really stupid  kids. If any of you know of any schools that could help a kid who would so willingly make this purchase please, I implore you to give us recommendations.

Stephanie herself seems oblivious to the drama surrounding her purchases as her social media profiles are filled with photos of her with her new Pikachu plush in which she claims it’s her absolute favorite Pokémon and she loves him.

At press time, Daniel and Gina have gotten in contact with a brain specialist and plan on running various tests on Stephanie.