thehardtimes

Hard Digest July 6: Early Access Bass Players, Dinner Parties, Cargo Shorts, Folk Horror, and More

Added 2024-07-07 00:00:03 +0000 UTC

Boy Caught Playing Bass After Lying to Mom About Being Out With Friends Doing Drugs

DARBY, Penn. — Local punk mother Janelle Zander was mortified to discover her son, whom she believed was out partying with friends, was actually diligently practicing bass, ashamed sources confirmed.

“It’s supremely cliche to say, but, you know, it’s not that I’m mad…I’m just deeply disappointed. As a parent, you try and try to raise someone of substance and worth, and here I am screwing up and raising an, ugh, upstanding citizen,” said Zander, as she received a stick-and-poke that read ‘MOTHER (I’M REFERRING TO MYSELF)’. “The worst part is, I know Matthew was lying about the ‘friends’ part of his alibi too now. There’s no bass player I’ve ever heard of who has any social circle whatsoever. Soon I suppose I’ll be finding out that he’s moved on to fretless or, I can’t even bring myself to say it…upright. Why oh why couldn’t he have taken to the acid-taking aspect of Flea’s personality and not the BASS-playing one?”

Zander’s teenage son says this is all a giant misunderstanding.

“It-it wasn’t mine! I was just slapping and popping it for a friend, so the strings wouldn’t get stiff, honest! I didn’t even like the sound! I thought it was a guitar, it’s not my fault they look so similar!” said the 13-year-old, while half-heartedly attempting to sound high. “I was going to go out and do some drugs right after, I promise! All sorts of drugs, like the ones they taught us in D.A.R.E…but, uh, they didn’t teach me! I wasn’t even paying attention, so I’m still going to do lots of them! In fact that’s how I got the instrument, I was just looking to freebase, but ended up with a free bass! Yeah, you can see why things got mixed up! So, can I have it back?”

Hector Schirripa, a guidance counselor at Penn Wood Middle, expressed his concern that Zander’s path could be a rocky one.

“Well, it goes without saying that we here at his school will be recommending suspension, that’s for sure. Although, between you and me, that usually affords the little delinquents more free time to explore the seedy depths of the low-end, so I don’t foresee that being a solution in the long run,” said a mournful Schirripa. “I tell you, how these things are still legal I’ll never understand. Teaching is often rewarding, but one downside is you see more than your fair share of youth get corrupted by the likes of your Claypools and Bootsy Collins’. There’s only so much guidance you can give a kid once they’ve bought their first Jaco Pastorious LP. After that, all you can do is just hope and pray it doesn’t lead to a jam band.”

At press time, Zander was heard trying to convince his mother the Bass Player magazines under his bed were just “oddly-themed issues of Hustler.”

Opinion: I Sure Hope I Don’t Get Murdered at This Dinner Party Full of Colorful Eccentrics

BY NATHAN KAMAL

What an incredible dinner party this is! I’ve never been in such a gorgeous yet oddly period non-specific mansion before, and definitely not one in such an isolated location where not even the police could reach anyone for hours.

Plus, I’ve never been surrounded by so many colorful eccentrics and devices that, while seeming innocuous, could potentially be used as a murder weapon. I sure hope none of them are used to murder me!

Now, it feels like it would be pretty unusual for someone to get killed at a dinner party, even if Commodore Cinnabar over there is staring way too intensely over me while weighing a sharp-edged Whiskey Decanter in his hand. But it could be that the horrible sights he has seen in his years in whatever undefined military he belongs to have just made him need a drink. I know I would!

Really, I have to get over the idea that someone would murder me at a dinner party of color-coded individuals who each seem to have professions that are easy to illustrate using broad caricatures. After all, why would someone kill me? Let alone Dr. Vermillion, currently toying with a heavy Butter Dish or Madame Eggshell-White, making jabbing motions at me with the Carving Fork.

My therapist says I need to work on these intrusive thoughts.

It’s just like that time I went to the will reading of my great-great-grand-uncle from Transylvania that I never knew I had and was worried that I might have to spend a night in some kind of castle, potentially a haunted one. What a silly worry that was!

However, it is odd that no one but me seems to be eating. After all, the almost entirely unseen staff of this mansion that we were all invited to via anonymous letters that promised to reveal a very important secret once we had dessert and cheese worked hard on this meal. It really would be a shame to let this goose in aspic go to waste!

Oh great, now we’re retiring to the parlor. I bet everything goes well in there. Things almost always do in parlors, in my experience.

Now, all we have to do is wait for our mysterious host to get here! Then I’m going to stab the fuck out of him.

Florida Government Awards $500M In Grant Money To Research Cargo Shorts That Keep Balls From Sticking To Leg

BY JOSH BAUMGART

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The Florida Legislature announced the passing of a bill securing $500 million in grant money to develop a special cargo short that would prevent the scrotum from sticking to the leg in humid conditions, excited sources confirmed.

“Our great state has its issues: prescription drug abuse, hurricanes, rising tides, school textbooks, barbed wire tattoos, you name it. But this is the issue I hear about the most in our district by an overwhelming margin. Men are spending thousands of dollars extra on proper bottom wear each year and I think the people as a whole are fed up,” said Florida Senator Sonny McDermot. “So we were quick to get this pushed through the legislature; you’ll notice this spending bill was bipartisan and unanimous. The Florida government really works for the people.”

Scientists from state universities were quick to support the spending initiative with their research.

“Our study concluded that the average Florida man spends 13% of his day unsticking his balls from his hairy thigh,” reported Florida State University post-doctoral Fellow Dylan Keith. “Go outside in any town and you’ll no doubt see two or three guys doing that funny walk thing to free their scrotum. We call that the Florida Three Step. Now, this grant allows us to answer the question: what if that time was spent elsewhere? What could we accomplish? Think about 13% more jetski time, or more doing bath salts in the swamp time. Think about the implications of that.”

Many local residents like Braden Daniels expressed a reignited faith in civics after the passing of the spending bill.

“I just think it’s ridiculous that there’s this one issue that only affects dudes, and we’re penalized for it. If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that apparently writing to your Senator really does work,” said Daniels. “All it takes is one letter. I’d urge everyone who wants something to change to take the time to handwrite a note and mail it to the government. Then boom, equity happens. I’m proud of the government for taking a step towards gender equality.”

Press representatives from the Florida government confirmed that, once developed, the cargo shorts would be fully covered under all health insurance plans, with funding being redirected from the school system.

Odd: My Encyclopedic Knowledge of Eastern European Folk Horror Films Isn’t Attracting Women

BY ADAM FROST-VENRICK

Just like the bower bird with his bower or the black widow spider with his lively rump dance, human men often go to great lengths to impress potential mates. Some show off how much money they have. Some show off what kind of car they drive. Everyone tries to display their skill at something. For me, it’s Eastern European Folk Horror films, typically from the 60s and 70s. But if I know so many of them, why am I not getting laid?

I’m around so many arty-art girls. So many women who watched “Pearl” and “Midsommar” and (I assume) “Elektra” and just really felt seen by those films’ female gaze. Why is knowing about Eastern European folk horror any different?

Take “Valerie and Her Week of Wonders” (former Czechoslovakia, 1970). It’s a beautiful dream-like depiction of a thirteen-year-old girl, haunted by aging vampires and lustful priests, all in the springtime of her menarche. That’s art-girl stuff right there. It’s basically “Lady Bird” and “Twilight” put together. I assume. Never seen either. Why don’t women want me!?

I’m a simple man. I’m interested in two things: Criterion releasing a cover of “Viy” (former Soviet Union, 1967) and dating a girl who wears a choker even to formal events. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. My friend Joel met his wife because they liked the same kinds of movies. And Joel watches garbage films. He thinks Scorsese is arthouse for God’s sake. He thinks that Buñuel is “too confusing.” Garbage. Smooth-brained garbage. And yet… alone am I.

Yes, not one woman has responded to my repeated texts of “‘Leptirica’ and chill?” It’s like they think I’m being weird. It’s not like I’m saying “Oh, come by and watch “‘Hagazusa’” (Austria, 2017). There’s literally never been a better girly-girl movie than “Leptirica.” (former Yugoslavia, 1973). Everyone on folk-horror Reddit is always talking about how Petar Božović is so baby-girl-coded in that movie.

But don’t despair for me completely. If you thought I had given up hope in using my love for the Eastern esoteric to find love from a woman, then you’d be wrong. Last month, I self-published a very well-respected monograph on “The White Reindeer” (Finland, 1952) and as a result, my DMs are gradually being slid into by copious quantities of Finnish foxes who want to move to America and marry me just as soon as I can send them some money to buy the plane tickets.