Hard Digest July 5: Early Access Plane Crashes, Limp Bizkit, Cigarettes, Spencer's, and More

Punk Refuses to Uncross Arms and Assume Crash Position as Plane Free Falls

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

GARY, Ind. — Chicago-bound United passenger Colin Jenkins refused to uncross his arms and assume the crash position despite the plane being in an irreversible freefall, panicked passengers confirmed.

“I was fine in the back of the plane with my arms crossed even though the flight was a snooze fest. But now the second the engines blow and it gets interesting, and these fascists are telling me to kiss my own ass goodbye?” said Jenkins. “If this is how I go, it’s going to be how I lived: arms crossed, frowning, and not looking like an idiot bootlicker in the process. This would be a lot more tolerable if everyone stopped screaming already so I can finish listening to this ‘Disgraceland’ podcast episode.”

Despite Jenkins’ unwavering pushback, flight attendants still attempted to get him to comply with safety regulations.

“I can’t believe I’m going to die while trying to make this asshole increase his odds of survival, just for him to cross his arms harder and roll his eyes at me. I knew he was going to be a problem when he was loudly telling other passengers about Reagan firing all the air traffic controllers in the ‘80s and everyone hired since then is a scab,” said attendant Regina Glass, clinging to her seat. “I guess he does look cool, but if he gets decapitated, that’s on him. I just wish he’d stop ranting at frightened passengers about how he’s been to Negative Approach shows more intense than this.”

FAA crash experts weighed in on Jenkins’ refusal to adhere to safety regulations.

“No matter how dire an aviation incident may be, there’s always one asshole who’s going to ignore the safety cards, with punks being the primary offenders. They just hate every arm of the government, so I guess it’s their way of saying ‘screw you,’” said Oliver Glass. “We’ve gone over thousands of black box recordings of crashes where they’ve refused to wear the airflow masks unless the attendants confirmed the oxygen was vegan, or the time one of them used the inflatable slide parachute to start a mosh pit, it ruined a water landing. But they’re still not as terrible as families traveling to Disney World.”

After searching through the wreckage, first responders found that Jenkins was the only survivor after his arms took the brunt of the impact, and requested EMS transport him to the show in Chicago he was flying in to see.

Limp Bizkit’s ‘Significant Other’ at 25: Perhaps It’s Time To Stop Telling People You Lost Your Virginity to This Album

BY DAN KOZUH 

Limp Bizkit’s ‘Significant Other’ has hit the quarter-century mark this year and so does the anniversary of you losing your virginity. Unfortunately, the two are not mutually exclusive. The album that gifted the world with the timeless poetry of “Nookie” and the existential musings of “Break Stuff” is intrinsically tied to the awkward and brief encounter you had with your high school sweetheart. But perhaps now is a good time to reconsider how we share this personal anecdote tied to this iconic piece of nu-metal history.

Let’s set the scene: You’re at a party, the conversation is flowing, and someone, perhaps out of nostalgic irony, throws “9 Teen 90 Nine” on the speakers. I think the time has passed for you to tell everyone, “Holy shit, I lost my virginity to this album.” There’s a certain charm in owning your past, but maybe, just maybe, it’s time to retire that particular tale. What twenty years ago was a source of pride and ten years ago became a self-deprecating tale of youthful ignorance. Now it is just kind of tactless. No one knows what to do with that information and it makes any interaction really uncomfortable.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other was a cultural phenomenon, that hit #1 in Canada. It was the soundtrack to countless adolescent rebellions, poorly thought-out fashion choices, and questionable haircuts. But there’s a certain social currency in how we frame our coming-of-age stories, and as much as we might hold this album dear, it’s not exactly the romantic serenade that gets the hearts fluttering.

Like, we get the irony of Fred Durst’s crooning “Nookie” as you fumbled through the ineptitude of your teenage sexual awakening, but it doesn’t make for good storytelling. It’s more like a chaotic montage of baggy jeans, your parent’s basement, the breakup anthem ‘Re-Arranged’ coming on at the worst possible time, and ultimate disappointment for both partners. Romantic, right?

Moreover, please consider the poor souls who have to listen to this confession. Imagine their expressions as you recount the night Wes Borland’s guitar work provided the soundtrack to your most intimate moments. Instead of evoking feelings of nostalgia, you’re more likely to inspire confusion, discomfort, and secondhand embarrassment. They might politely nod, but inside, they’re desperately searching for a way to change the subject to something, anything, less cringe-inducing.

So, as we celebrate Significant Other turning 25, let’s do so with a nod to the past but also a recognition of how far we’ve come. Blast “Nobody Like You” in your car with the windows down, scream along to “Break Stuff” when you’re having a bad day, and wear your faded red baseball cap. But maybe, just maybe, keep the story of how you lost your virginity to this album in the vault of youthful indiscretions.

“Emergency” Cigarette Pack Empty for Fifth Time This Week

BY COLLEEN NERNEY 

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local “occasional” smoker Samantha Terrett recently realized her secret pack of cigarettes reserved for emergencies was empty for the fifth time this week, coughing sources confirmed.

“I quit smoking sometime around two years ago,” Terrett said, while smoking. “But I’ll admit it, I always kept a sneaky little pack around for emergencies. What can I say, I’m only human. But recently I’ve realized that I might be having more emergencies than normal. Like sure, I had a cigarette a few weeks back when my roommate said she couldn’t pay rent this month and I thought we were going to get evicted. Then I had another one when I had to go grocery shopping while hungover. And then just found myself lighting up after a hard day working from home, but five days in a row. Now I’m replacing the pack daily because every minor inconvenience requires a cigarette.”

Terrett’s therapist June Chaey explained that she sees this behavior often when treating addictions.

“Samantha is doing exactly what any addict does–trying her best to justify her debilitating chemical need for the drug of her choice,” Chaey said from her office filled with ‘90s anti-smoking PSA posters. “She’s on the verge of realizing that her so-called ‘emergency pack’ is literally just her regular pack of cigarettes that she’s decided is somehow allowed. It’s not. She just keeps it in her bedroom drawer with her sex toys like some kind of weird secret. But once she crosses this mental threshold, she has two choices: either she’ll quit for good out of embarrassment, or she’ll accept the fact that she never quit in the first place and continue chain-smoking her 20s away like the rest of us did.”

Marty McClain, a lobbyist and representative for several companies within the “Big Tobacco” umbrella, thinks differently about the “emergency pack” conundrum.

“Don’t listen to a word of psychobabble that so-called therapist tells you,” said McClain while puffing on a comically oversized cigar. “It’s in her best interest to get more sessions with these kids who think they have some sorta mental problem. They don’t, they’re just regular working people who need to relax and unwind now and then. And frankly, we as businessmen in this particular industry rely on their consistent and unbreakable relapses. Nothing is more reliable than a smoker who doesn’t carry the shame of being called a ‘smoker,’ because in their head, they’re just having a moment of need. We need them to crank through a pack a day and still be under the impression that they’re doing well in order to maintain our profit margins.”

As of press time, Terrett was seen buying disposable vapes in bulk.

I Didn’t Get The Sex Talk But I Was Left Unsupervised At Spencer’s Gifts

BY JOSH BAUMGART 

Growing up as a millennial was tough. The internet came along and changed the world, and our parents were too self-absorbed and lead-poisoned to ever show any real interest in our development. My dad never say me down to tell me about the birds and the bees, but he would drop me off at the mall by myself when I was 11 so he could go drink at Walter’s Pub on the weekends. My sex education came from the novelty items lining the shelves at Spencer’s, and it’s served me well.

One thing I kept hearing about during my teenage years was “safe sex.” Gotta be safe. Gotta use protection. I remembered Spencer’s had condoms. But I have no idea what flavors are good. How do you choose a flavor? I was never brave enough to ask the cute goth girl working the cash register for a sample. Do you ask your partner beforehand what flavor they want? And how do you find a size? I’d only see comically small and comically large, and unfortunately I was with endowed with a unit that is comically average. This crippling condom anxiety prevented me from having sexual relations well into my 30s. Man, I wish they covered that in school.

Also, apparently you graduate from underwear? I’ve had a few girlfriends and I keep asking them when they will be wearing that candy underwear. They tell me that it’s a joke, a gag, that if they actually wore that they would get a terrible infection. But Spencer’s would never sell something that isn’t safe. Their fart detector was one of the best gadgets I ever purchased. I’ve been wearing leather underwear from Spencer’s for years, and yeah, it caused a few rashes at first, but once my skin callused over I was in good shape. Maybe I should buy one of those rad leather harnesses. That’ll for sure attract the ladies.

Spencer’s also had a lot of sex games which I’ll often bring on first dates. The game “Lick, Suck, or Swallow” acts as a subtle icebreaker and gives me a good idea of what sort of lover my date might be. Or I suggest we play Twister. Nothing sets the mood more than a game of Twister. But nothing beats the sex dice. That way, if I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s all on the dice. I’ll look like an idiot without the sex dice.

Without Spencer’s I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I was lucky enough to memorize at least 15 pages from the book about sex positions and someday I plan on trying each one of those. To date, I’ve tried two, I just need to find the right woman who also had negligent parents.

More From The Hard Times:

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Dialogue Skip Shaves Seconds Off Grocery Speedrun

BY GARY KERLS 

WHITEHALL, Ohio — Shocking news in the world of speedrunning as a local nobody sets a new world record after discovering a critical dialogue skip at the local Kroger, sources there have confirmed. 

Camden Lowe, 19, set a PB earlier this week after a quick dip into the grocery store for a pack of gum. Unknowingly, Lowe re-routed the former record’s route and ended up finishing six seconds faster than the fastest recorded time. 

“For years the self-checkout kiosks were too far off path to be viable for a world record attempt,” said Lowe regarding his historic performance. “But with a few frame-perfect tricks and insane RNG, I was able to get in and out of Kroger in 37.56 seconds.”

The legitimacy of Lowe’s run has been called into question by fellow speedrunners in the community. Many have been vocal that controversial tactics used in the run should disqualify the record-breaking attempt. 

“Entering through the pharmacy entrance has been reserved for the Assisted Any% category given that’s the entrance with all the handicap parking spots,” said Barbra Buckley, fellow speedrunner and former world record holder. “And cheatin’ Camden illegally blocked the fire lane with his CR-Z! Completely delegitimizing the run.”

While Lowe’s record currently sits atop the Speedrun.com leaderboard, he has not been able to recreate the magic since. However, the discovery of a new time skip has speedrunners returning to the category, trying to make history themselves. 

“Most casual runners utilize Lowe’s dialogue skip so there’s almost always a line. Unfortunately for speedrunners, the fastest option was always talking to the 15-year-old cashier and mashing through dialogue as fast as possible but it’s almost impossible to get past the charity check quickly,” explains returning champion, Judd Marshall. “You would have needed Dream-like RNG to even get close to the world record going Lowe’s route, I can’t even get sub one minute going that way.”

The speedrun itself has a limited number of runners given that it is pay-to-win, which has turned many potential speedrunners away due to the financial implications. 

At press time, a new ‘shadow’ category of the speedrun has emerged that bypasses checkout completely but has been classified by the State of Ohio as theft.

Dr. Wily Exhausts Zillow Search for Castles With Big Ass Skulls in the Middle of Them

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

MEGA CITY — Mad scientist Dr. Wily announced he would be scaling back his plans for a new fortress after exhausting his search on Zillow for “castles with big ass skulls in the middle of them’, his robot henchmen have confirmed.

Wily placed the blame for the market’s lack of castles with big ass skulls squarely on his nemesis.

“If I’m going to dedicate my life to building master robots to terrorize the planet, I need to be on brand with a labyrinthian stronghold with a giant ass skull sitting front and center. And thanks to that blue asshole destroying the last eleven that I’ve had, the market for them has completely dried up. I’ve been scouring Zillow for three weeks and I’ve found nothing,” said Wily. “Sure, there are a few massive castles here within my price range with disappearing blocks, but they don’t have the same intimidation factor that comes with a 50-foot-tall skull for a front door.”

Zillow’s customer service staff were doing their best to accommodate Wily’s demands.

“What can we say other than it’s a tight market for evil-looking, booby-trapped lairs. We’ve done our best to accommodate him in spite of his barrage of complaints, but many of the designs Dr. Wily wants aren’t zoned for commercial use, let alone for world domination,” said rep Jim McCaffrey. “There are dozens of properties in Silicon Valley which can house his master robots and their copies, but he just wants that skull so badly. Like we get it man, you’re evil but beggars can’t be choosers.”

A coalition of former neighbors of Wily were adamant about keeping him out of their towns.

“We have always been a tight-knit community of mad scientists with terrifying skull-faced laboratories, but Albert Wily has brought nothing but headaches. How he keeps qualifying for mortgages to buy castles is beyond us, and we’ll never forgive him for strong-arming Dr. Cossack into squatting in his Kremlin,” said Igor Smithy. “If he wants another castle so badly, he can build one himself in a more remote area. Every time Mega Man comes to town he starts eyeballing our homes and I’d rather not be on the receiving end of a mega buster.”

At press time, Zillow reps were able to find an affordable 60,000 square-foot skull embossed fortress, but Dr. Wily passed on it after learning it was located in Cleveland.