Hard Digest July 3: Early Access 4th of July, Metalcore, and More

Dog Doesn’t Like Fireworks “Because of What They Represent”

BY SARAH CORTINA

CHICAGO — Local pooch Hamburger is reportedly hiding under his home’s kitchen table from Fourth of July fireworks, not due to fear of the sound, but because of the jingoistic, colonial mindset that they represent, skeptical sources confirmed.

“The state of our nation’s affairs is absolutely abhorrent,” said the four-year-old rescue before pausing to bark at a squirrel and stare into the distance for 30 seconds. “How can we stand by and wave little flags of Stars and Stripes that were made in factories overseas by underpaid workers as we continue to funnel billions into our military, deny our citizens their basic rights, and raise kids full of so much hatred and vitriol for one another? I can’t celebrate this country and neither should you. Good boys stand against fascism in all forms.”

Hamburger’s owner, Kevin deLoane, reaffirmed the dog’s political activism.

“I thought he just hated fireworks because they are so fucking annoying and they scare the crap out of him when he’s trying to nap, but this seems to be a deeper issue,” said deLoane. “Last week he chewed up mail from the Clinton foundation, bit our neighbor with the thin blue line sticker on his car, and spent ten minutes aggressively barking at the American flag outside the post office. The most troubling thing now though is he won’t poop unless it’s on a well-manicured lawn with Trump or Biden sign. And when he finally does poop he stares at the sign and unleashes powerful turds that I need more than one bag to clean up.”

John Peterson, the neighbor who was bitten by Hamburger last week believes the dog needs proper training to learn to love this country.

“That dog is out of control. I know for a fact he was brought up here from Mexico illegally by a local dog rescue, so if Hamburger doesn’t like America he can leave. Kevin needs to raise a more patriotic dog. If you can’t depend on a dog to defend this country, then it won’t defend your home,” said Peterson while walking his Rottweiler named. “Tank here knows what this country represents. He only marks his territory on a strip of grass that looks like Puerto Rico. But these coddled dogs can’t handle when their treats aren’t organic, or when people only celebrate the greatest day of the year.”

Following the rise of opinionated dogs, TNT Fireworks is reportedly piloting a firework that emits a frequency that only certain dogs can hear called “The Quake Maker Dog Whistle.”

Is It Just Me or Does This Perfect Metalcore Song Need a Shitty Singing Part To Ruin It?

BY YANCY LEE CRAWFORD 

Our latest song is almost done, but something’s missing. The vocals sound like a freaky werewolf threeway, the breakdown chugs like a monster truck rally, and the bass player is there, too! But…

Is it just me, or does this perfect metalcore song, which could transcend generations if given the chance, need a shitty clean singing part to ruin it? A hook written and performed so poorly it undoes the listener’s enjoyment of the rest of the song is exactly what it needs, and I bet Steve Albini would agree. There’s zero chance we’ll sing the right pitch or maintain vocal harmony for more than a few seconds, but that’s okay. This lackluster chorus is an opportunity to prove that metal performers are superior composers with the most emotional intelligence and creativity, dammit!

The song will still be about the secrets we keep from our loved ones, because metalcore is and always will be about writing bad poetry. It’s not like we’re going to sing one time and agree to be in the very first Pepsi commercial we’re offered, okay?!

“An open Door”–an incomplete phrase is a good name for a song, right?–should have an overly-melodramatic chorus we’re unprepared to execute live. In a perfect world, our drummer Steve will sing it. He’s always coughing, and the sound of his asthmatic, pre-tracheotomy vocals will give our new song the disappointing emotional chorus that no one but me asked for.

I can see it now: “An open Door To a Divorce Proceeding”–that’s probably what Rick Rubin would call it–being added to the National Recording Registry in the Libary of Congress for our dynamic vocal performance. And then, Ronnie Radke himself inducting us into the Libary of Congress Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. What. An. Honor.

This is a chance to reinvigorate metalcore with something new and groundbreaking. This song–

“I CAN’T THINK OF ANYOOOOONE BETTER TO KILL ME THAN EH-YOOOOUUUU!!”

is gonna reignite people’s love of a genre that was tailor-made for Hollister bad boys. I bet people will hear “An open Door To a Divorce Proceeding and a Baby Shower”–sounds like a Brian Eno song–and finally recognize our songwriting chops. Maybe we’ll be invited to play Willy Nelson’s birthday party or the Indy Jazz fest! The sweet sound of our drug-addled voices could take us literally anywhere–including the very first soda commercial we’re asked to do. Pepsi or Coke. Either one.

Dad Sings Along to “Whole Lotta Love” While Barbecuing Including Orgasm Part

BY TIM GRAHAM 

NORTH VERNON, Ind. — Local father of three Steve Whipple sang Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” while grilling for friends and family, even replicating Robert Plant’s ecstatic moaning, according to mortified sources.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Whipple while dry-rubbing a brisket. “Everyone knows it’s part of my grilling tradition: I put on my apron, turn on the classic rock station and sing every single word and bodily noise as I cook. No one has an issue when it’s David Bowie or The Beatles, but all of a sudden everyone gets bent out of shape about me singing a Zeppelin song? There’s nothing sexual about it, anyway. Robert Plant was simply expressing the uninhibited joy of rock and roll, that’s all.“

Whipple’s daughter Morgan had to excuse herself when the mock-climax became too intense.

“I grew up with this, so I’m used to it to a degree,” said Morgan. “But I’ve never seen it this bad before. I brought my boyfriend back with me from college and I nearly died of embarrassment. I don’t even think my dad knew he was doing it. He was over there flipping burgers and making these gross sex sounds. Then he actually sang the line, ‘gonna give you every inch of my love’ and I just had to bail. What if the tables were turned? How would he like it if I sang ‘WAP’ at a family gathering?”

Rock journalist Rodney Crumb has compiled a list of songs which he says should never be sung in the presence of others.

“People singing along to music can be annoying enough,” said Crumb. “But we really don’t need to hear other people—parents, especially—singing overtly sexual material. That was the reason I put together my list. For example, no one wants to hear mom even hum the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ or George Michael’s ‘I Want Your Sex.’ I would advise everyone to simply hit skip or change the station if any of the songs on my list come on. My own father once sang along to Axl’s moaning in ‘Welcome To The Jungle’ on a family trip. I’m still haunted by it to this day.”

As of press time, the barbecue was reportedly cut short after Whipple stabbed himself in the buttock with a grill fork while doing a Mick Jagger dance to “Brown Sugar.”

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Fandom Officially Declared Cult

BY MATT FRESH 

NEW YORK — In a landmark move, after much deliberation the UN has officially declared that fandom of any kind is a cult.

UN Ambassador Frederic Bringewatt announced the decision in a press conference held just outside UN Headquarters.

“It is our duty to work together on bringing peace and prosperity to the world at large and part of that duty is determining threats to that peace. Originally this was going to be solely for the Star Wars fandom but upon closer examination, it’s practically every fandom. The way that the members behave, the way they attack those that don’t hold the same beliefs as them, the radicalized devotion they have to the material, our only options were to classify them as religion or cult. We felt cult was more appropriate for their vibe.”

Members of fandoms were not too pleased with the new classification.

“This is just another instance of us being persecuted. We are not a cult, we’re just super passionate about our favorite series and will do anything to defend it and keep it pure,” said Alan Burns, head of the Boise chapter of the Star Wars fandom. “Sure sometimes we harass people who aren’t into Star Wars and maybe we attack members who don’t adhere to the series the way we demand they do but that doesn’t make us a cult. This is our series and we must protect it from heretical nonsense like The Acolyte. We just have absolute one hundred percent devotion to the warped ideals of Star Wars that we’ve cultivated.”  

“Oh so just because I just like to praise the sun and attack people who dare to mildly criticize the thing that I’ve tied my entire identity to I’m in a cult? Give me a break,” claimed Chris Topher, a devoted member of the Souls fandom.

Bringewatt stated that there are some exceptions to the new classification.

“While we’ve determined most fandoms are cults, there are some exceptions both good and bad. The Kirby fandom we found to just be totally normal and chill, same for the James Cameron’s Avatar fandom. These are examples of fandoms that do not meet the criteria of cult. On the other hand there are fandoms such as Swifites that we’ve found go beyond a mere cult and so we’ve classified them as radicalized militia instead.”

At press time, Swifties have doxxed Bringewatt and declared the UN to be enemy number one and begun mobilizing to attack.

Mom Said It’s My Turn on Hard Drive (Guest Column by My Little Brother)

BY TRAYE HOLLAND

Editor’s Note: The following article is from my little brother, as my mom said I’ve been on Hard Drive for long enough and that it was time to let him have a turn or else. I am not allowed to edit or adjust it in any way. Please bear with me.

Hi! Mom sed itz my turn on Hard Driv so bruther had 2 let me yooz the compewter haha. I dunno wat 2 rite abowt tho. Bruther sez I gotta tel jokez abowt videeyo gamez. I liek videeyo gamez. My favrit game iz Mine Craf but I maek bruther put it on peesful cuz 1 time a creepeer sneeked up on me and bloo up and I screemd so lowd it woke every 1 up cuz it was reely layt and I got in truble cuz I was supozed to be asleep cuz I had skool in the morneeng. I can tel a joke abowt Mine Craf ummmmm y didnt Mine Craf Steev buy a howse? Cuz he can just bild wun DUH! I liek uther gamez too. I play a lot of Pokeymon and Lego Star Worz and also sumtiems I play Fort Niet. I dont hav any jokez for thoze gamez tho. Fort Niet iz hard. Wen I die in Fort Niet I want 2 say bad wurdz but Mom wont let me so I say them in my hed so she cant heer them. Mom told me no 1 can heer wat u say in yor hed cuz yor skul iz 2 thik 4 the wurdz yor brayn sez 2 get thru so they just bownce riet bak 2 yor brayn and thats why only u heer them. In yor hed u can say as many bad wurdz as u want! Bruther sez them out lowd tho sumtiems wen he playz Ellen Ring. Bruther told me in Ellen Ring you fite monzters cuz u want 2 mary this 1 laydee. I thank its calld Ellen Ring cuz her naym is Ellen and u want to giv her a weding ring and kiss and say I luv u and stuf. Yuk! I dont hav any jokez abowt Ellen Ring neether. Ellen Ring is 2 boring and scaree and u cant bild anything. They shud hav the boogie bom from Fort Niet in Ellen Ring so u can throw it and maek the monzters danse haha. Oh wayt I hav a Ellen Ring joke now. Why did Ellen not want to mary bruther? Cuz he farted untill he died! Dont tel bruther I told u that tho. Enyway I dont wunt to rite anymor. The end. Bye!

Editor’s Note Cont’d: I sincerely apologize for what you just read. I promise future articles will be the high caliber satirical gaming news you are used to. Until my brother gets another turn that is.