Hard Digest July 2: Supreme Court, Early Access Cannibal Corpse, Movies, Red Wine, and More

Wanna Give the Supreme Court a Piece of Your Mind? Here’s How To Get a Job at One of the Most Luxurious Resorts in the World

BY DAN RICE

It’s getting more and more difficult to speak truth to power these days, especially when it comes to the judiciary branch of our federal government. With controversial recent decisions such as overturning Roe V. Wade, agreeing to self-police against the rampant corruption in their ranks, and granting presidents partial immunity to prosecution, it’s natural to want to give the Supreme Court justices a piece of your mind. Someone ought to tell these archaic bible thumbing hypocrites that they are civil servants who work FOR us, not creepy Eye’s Wide Shut-esque dictators. But how? The answer is to hit them where they live—on vacation.

In such infuriating times, it’s important to remember that your goal is to air your grievances to Kavanaugh, Alito, and Thomas’s smug, repugnant faces, not to some poor page who just wants to pad a resume. Unfortunately, there’s only one way to get face to face with these fuckers—positioning yourself to “serve” them. Here are some tips for getting a job at one of the world’s most elite vacation resorts, and then throwing that job away for one sweet cathartic outburst into the face of a monster.

Become a master masseuse

Years of study and work to master an occupation seems like a pretty big hoop to jump through just to voice your opinion to a government employee, but if American democracy worked you wouldn’t need to infiltrate a beach resort just to voice your opinion in the first place.

Witness a horrific crime perpetrated by a trust funder and say nothing

Discretion is the lifeblood of the high-end service industry. You need these assholes to think you’re willing to play ball. Remember, it’s for the greater good.

Learn to regulate your body temperature to become a more ideal human sushi plate

When you’ve worked in the criminal justice system as long as Clarence Thomas you know that sushi is best served on a naked human body of 99.4 degrees, not the standard 98.6. Through meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises you can learn to dial in your body’s core temperature making you a valuable asset in the industry.

Link your Fetlife to your LinkedIn profile and list “Exploitation” as one of your kinks

All vacation resorts need staff members who are okay with being surrounded by obnoxious amounts of wealth while working for next to nothing, but at the luxury-class level, complacency is not enough. They’re on the lookout for workers who NEED economic disparity to fulfill a complicated psycho-sexual urge. Sure, on paper, your job is just folding towels, but Judge Alito might want you to pretend to be his “nephew” for an hour and he certainly doesn’t want to be up-charged for it.

Get trafficked

It’s the most dangerous, least savory route to employment at a resort, but it’s your best shot at getting face time with Clarence Thomas at, shall we say, his most vulnerable.

Most Vomit-Inducing Cannibal Corpse Album Cover Yet Shows Image of Ordinary British Food

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Legendary death metal band Cannibal Corpse shocked fans and anyone with eyes recently with the revealing of their most horrific, disgusting and visceral album cover yet which features average, regularly prepared British cuisine, puke-stained camo short-clad sources report.

“I can get down with stuff like the corpse cunnilingus on the cover of ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ or the grisly shit on the ‘Gallery of Suicide’ cover, but black pudding and jellied eels? No fucking way,” longtime Cannibal Corpse fan Patrick Yeung stated. “I’ll just say that the masters of death metal have truly outdone themselves, without even using any drawings of severed penises or rotting zombies and it’s that’s pretty impressive. I don’t think I’ll ever get the image of baked beans in soggy bread out of my brain ever again.”

Cannibal Corpse vocalist George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher knew it was time to take their reputation for being the world’s most gruesome band to the next level.

“The controversial covers of our previous 18 albums are basically Norman Rockwell paintings compared to the one on our new ‘Mushy Peas Massacre’ record,” Fisher explained while clutching an impossibly large amount of stuffed animals. “We decided that after 35 years, gore has been played out. So we thought about what makes people actually barf? After our last gig in England we had one bite of deviled kidneys and we knew this would gross out more people more than any amount of bloody cum ever could, and it’s working perfectly.”

Many death metal experts agree that this is just the next step in the evolution of the genre.

“Year after year, death metal bands constantly try to outdo the obscenities of their contemporaries, almost like that’s more important than the integrity of their music,” death metal historian Rachel Mills-Leech stated. “If you think the gross-out factor of disgusting English food is high, wait until you see the picture of Chris Barnes’ face Six Feet Under is using for their next cover. Excuse me, I think I’m going to be sick just imagining it.”

At press time, Cannibal Corpse claimed the infamous album cover has already placed them on many countries’ banned lists worldwide.

Cult Classic? This Movie Sucks

BY DOM TUREK

As the self-appointed authority on all things film, I’d like to introduce you to a future cult classic so unnerving, so screwball and so utterly unwatchable, that it makes “Eraserhead” look like a Marvel movie.

Spoiler Alert: Liking this movie before it becomes popular will entitle you to lifelong bragging rights.

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5” hit Tubi months ago and the dime store critics can’t get enough. The controversial film has been called everything from “a piece of shit” to “a piece of crap,” with one naysayer going so far as to write, “I’d rather sit in the hotel cuck chair as my grandparents have tantric sex than watch this movie again.”

With reviews like this, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5” is an absolute shoo-in for cult classic greatness. Just wait. In thirty or forty years this film will be as quotable as Austin Powers and as merchandisable as “The Gremlins.” In the year 2048, eBay bidding wars will break out over vintage Rudolph’s Revenge promotional tees, and you’ll be able to say to no one in particular, “I liked this movie before you did.”

Director, writer, producer, lighting specialist, sound engineer, gaffer, and lead actor for the movie, John Clauson, has the cult classic formula down to a science. He took a plot that could’ve been executed in 23 minutes and stretched it to a mind-boggling two hours and 24 minutes. Those complaining that the first 57 minutes of the movie are “so grainy it looks like you’re watching the movie through a sandstorm” merely have no appreciation for texture.

To those who say the dialogue is weak, I say your imagination is weak. To those who call the graphic slaughter of 26 actual reindeer “overkill,” I call it under-kill. To those who say throwing a random kung fu scene into the middle of the movie is “unnecessarily niche,” I say it’s a clear nod to the entropy of life.

If you thought the poop-eating scene in “Pink Flamingos” was a hard watch, just wait until the last 10 minutes of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Revenge 2.5.” It’s easily one of the most controversial scenes in modern cinema, or so I hear. I was unable to make it through the movie and left about halfway through.

Study Finds 9,000 Bottles of Red Wine a Year Wasted on Rug Commercials

BY BRISA SYLVESTRE 

AMHERST, Mass. — A new study conducted by the University Of Massachusetts found that roughly 9,000 bottles of perfectly good wine are wasted on rug commercials annually, sparking heated discussions amongst Zinfindal enthusiasts nationwide.

“When I first came up with the figure I was stumped,” said Dr. Andy O’Riley, who uncovered the finding after watching countless hours of rug cleaner infomercials while on the job. “Thousands of bottles are dumped by actors in these commercials including Merlots, Cabernets, Sherries, the list really goes on. Typically, the actor walks into a room with a firm grasp on a glass of red wine only to have it fly out of their hand and land on a white carpet, where the stain then begins to set into the fibers, until the actor pulls out a bottle of rug cleaner from thin air, and magically lifts the red wine stain from the carpet.”

Lead study consultant Doug Elliott was less than amused with the findings.

“What’s wrong with these people? 9,000 bottles! What are you kidding me? We could be drinking that down at Pete’s Tavern!” said Elliott as he began to mash his own grapes in case the global supply of red wine ran out. “Not once did I see a cheap box of wine like Franzia being used. I vow never to use a product from the rug cleaner industry. I mean for fucksakes, they might as well have been using liquid gold. It’s always the good stuff. They don’t even attempt to breathe in the aromas before dumping the stuff!”

Expert rug commercial wine spiller Sheila Jenkins weighed in on the shocking study findings.

“I’ve been professionally dumping wine onto carpets for decades. Anything other than a red just doesn’t sell the rug cleaner. When people see the spill in action, they can’t help themselves. It triggers some type of primal desire to remove the stain out of the carpet,” said Jenkins as she uncorked a bottle of French Merlot to pour onto a white shag rug. “I consider myself an artist of this craft and I only use the best products available to me, I refuse to use anything less than $29.99 a bottle.”

At press time, Elliott was seen driving a forklift to “save” the supply of red wine bottles from a rug commercial’s shooting set.

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Oblivious RFK Jr. Still Mashing Away on Unplugged Controller

BY KYLE DUGGAN 

ATLANTA — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, was reportedly still hammering buttons on an unplugged controller that he was handed shortly before last Thursday’s debate, sources confirm. 

“He just kept whining that he wanted to play ‘debate,’” said Jake Tapper, CNN anchor and one of the debate’s moderators. “We needed to shut him up somehow, so we sent a PA to find an old MadCatz PS2 controller. They gave it to Kennedy and told him it was what the pros used when they debated. He totally bought it. I even saw him turn on turbo mode. I guess it worked too well, since now he won’t leave. We really need to strike this set.”

Kennedy briefly responded to questions before shooing reporters away, claiming that he was nearing a high score and they were distracting him.

“The obsequious fawning that the media performs toward figures such as Anthony Fauci cannot be ignored,” said Kennedy in a distant voice, a hollow echo that had somehow slithered into our world from some unwholesome dimension. “Just like you cannot ignore this sick combo that I’m pulling off. I might be the best to ever do it. This game must have been vaccinated, because I’m about to hit a kill screen, for sure.”

Political historian Lindsey Devine noted that, while the event itself may be unprecedented, it did not surprise her.

“The two major parties have been looking for a solution to this dilemma for years,” said Devine. “They let Perot play in the nineties, and that wasn’t fun for anyone. I heard that they were going to try this trick with Nader, but Mr. Consumer Reports demanded a first-party controller, and no one was going to spring for that. Of course, all of the Libertarian Party candidates refuse to play multiplayer games, and the Greens only play ‘Escape from Tarkov’ for some reason. This was really their first chance to try this strategy, and you couldn’t ask for a more gullible target.”

At press time, Kennedy was overheard saying that he still had a few rounds in him, bragging that he clearly had more stamina than the other candidates.

SCOTUS Enables God Mode For Executive Branch

BY JOHNNY AMIZICH 

WASHINGTON — In a 6-3 ruling, the Supreme Court of the United States announced it was enabling God Mode for the Presidency.

“If the President can be held accountable for his actions this presupposes any other government official, elected or otherwise, can also be held accountable for their own actions, and I simply can’t have that,” wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, back from an all-expenses-paid vacation to Tahiti funded by friend of the Court and Nazi memorabilia enthusiast, Harlan Crow. “I mean, I’m an adult. My schedule doesn’t allow me to devote hours a day to getting good at this. I just want to experience the story of the fall of our republic while still spending most of my time taking lavish trips to the Maldives on someone else’s dime, and there shouldn’t be any penalty for that.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi decried the decision, and called on voters to give the Democrats money.

“This ruling is just another example of what is at stake, and why the American people must vote Joe Biden back in office come November,” Speaker Pelosi said as an offering plate was passed around among the press who had gathered at the Capitol. When it was pointed out that this ruling also presumably enabled God Mode for President Biden the Speaker rebuked the journalist, saying, “How dare you suggest that the Democrats use any power they are given when it’s available to them? In fact, we’re going to make up more rules that only we have to follow. We’re currently doing a Nuzlocke run on the presidency. Do you really think we’re interested in anything that would make this even a little bit easier?”

President Biden spoke briefly on the matter to press at the White House.

“The Supreme Court’s ruling today shows they have all the ethics of a corrupt chimney sweep, and the moral standing of a drunken lamplighter,” President Biden said. “There’s only one God, Jack, and his name is—I forget. The point is—I forget that, too. Something about achievements being turned off. Vote Biden if you want to get the true ending. I can’t promise it’s the good ending, though.”

At press time, the Supreme Court was hearing a case challenging laws against infinite ammo cheats.