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Hard Digest June 28: Debate Fallout, Early Access Gorilla Biscuits, Pride, Line Cooks, Rodent Men, and More
Added 2024-06-29 00:00:05 +0000 UTCSix Key Takeaways From the First Presidential Debate
President Biden and former President Trump met on the debate stage in Georgia last night and reminded Americans that the two-party system is broken and we could do better. President Biden showed his age and frequently lost his train of thought, while Trump made countless false claims. Here are eight key points from last night’s debate:
Trump Believes Every Living American Has Already Been Murdered By Someone Who Illegally Crossed the Southern Border
Trump falsely claimed that migrants crossing the border are responsible for the murders of every American citizen. The former president then claimed he had been murdered at least 3 or 4 times by “a mental patient from Mexico” but was brought back to life by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to St. Peter while standing at the Pearly Gates.
Biden Claimed His Deuce Coupe is Undefeated in Street Races
When asked how he would tackle inflation President Biden told a long rambling story about how he fully restored the V-8 engine on his 1932 Ford only using original parts. He claimed he has participated in at least 300 drag races and won every time. He would then treat his friends to root beers at the soda fountain. The story turned somber when he reminisced about how his best friend Slick was killed in a drag race against a rival street gang known as The Dirty Birds.
The Former President Took Credit for the Reunion of The Original Misfits
Trump asserted that he personally moderated discussions between Jerry Only and Glenn Danzig that allowed the two to finally play together again. “Both these men, great men, big muscles, not as big as mine though, they love me. I met with them. We made a deal, I’m the best at deals.”
Biden Claimed the American-Made Bombs Being Dropped On Gaza Are the Safest in the World
The president repeatedly claimed that American bombs only explode people who hold impure thoughts. “If you don’t want to be blown up by an American bomb then just close your eyes, think of how much Jesus loves you, and you will be, um, uh, you will be, Medicare.”
The Traditional “End of Debate” Kiss Seemed Forced and Uninspired
While many people tuned in to see how heated it would get between the candidates, even more people tuned in to witness the sultry kiss that signals the end of presidential debates. However, viewers were left disappointed when the kiss lacked passion, with many political analysts describing it as wooden and incredibly dry.
The American Dynasty Will Come to An End Within the Next 18 Months
When America was founded in 1776 nobody could have predicted it would grow to the greatest superpower in the world. Now, just under 250 years later it’s very clear that this great experiment is over. The phrase “How do I move out of this country?” was Googled so much after the debate that it caused multiple Google servers to self-destruct.
Gorilla Biscuits Mascot Released After 35 Years of Captivity in Lower East Side Alleyway
NEW YORK — The giant gorilla mascot for New York hardcore luminaries Gorilla Biscuits was finally released after being held in captivity on the corner of Avenue A and St. Mark’s in lower Manhattan, sources who are suckas with big mouths confirmed.
“I can’t believe it’s been 35 years — time flies! I know it was wrong to have him just stand still there but I had high hopes he was ok. I realize now these are just things we say,” said local aging hardcore scenester Trent Boggins. “Some people say there’s no reason to keep a huge ape on one tiny block while wearing a giant Champion sweatshirt and they might be right but there’s two sides because he did always have that grin on his face so it seems like he was kept there with good intentions. Kinda sad though when you think about how we treat apes and band mascots, I guess cats and dogs really do have all the luck.”
Newer residents to the area who don’t know of Gorilla Biscuits, or how to incorporate their lyrics into a sentence, say they are glad to see the enormous animal leave their neighborhood.
“Yes, I am so happy that big hairy thing is leaving this block. He would just stand there with his arms folded and have his elbows crushing the buildings around him causing damage to my new $2.5 million, 300-square-foot studio apartment,” said advertising executive Jennifer Costa. “I guess this all has something to do with some band? Is it that band Gorillaz? I don’t understand any of this. All I know is I’m a real New Yorker who moved here for the gritty culture in 2022 so I think I know enough to say it’s time for this monkey to go so that I can get to the Chiptotle around the corner.”
Primate expert Sandra Binghampton agrees that it is best for the large gorilla to be released from its urban captivity.
“This really is what’s best for the animal. Many people seem to be confused that the gorilla appeared to be smiling but really showing its teeth in that way is a sign of distress in primates,” said Binghampton. “Luckily we have been able to transport the gorilla to a sanctuary where it can spend its life with other mascots from the New York hardcore scene like the skinless guy on the Leeway album cover and that weird flaming Madball thing.”
At press time sources at the mascot sanctuary confirmed that Gorilla Biscuits had also released the caveman mascot who unfortunately still had a trumpet lodged up his nostril.
How I Celebrated Pride Month By Calling My Gay Cousin Just My Cousin
Pride month is almost over, and you might be wondering how I celebrated these past few weeks. Well, I did what any great ally should do, all month I’ve been calling my gay cousin just my cousin. I love my gay cousin—sorry, my cousin—Jeremy. He came out a few years ago as bisexual. But we all know that’s just a one-way track to getting a train run on you in a truck stop bathroom. He asked if we could go on a cruise, and I told him no-sir-ee! You can’t be doing that in front of the kids! He then shook his head and took my sister on a Regent Seven Seas cruise through the Scandinavian Alps.
You’re asking if I am the only one in our family who calls him “gay cousin” instead of just Jeremy? No, not at all. It’s me, Uncle Lou who has that cool sticker on his car with a snake on a yellow flag and Grandpa Johnson who thinks we should ‘bring back redlining.’ I have to remind him that while it might not be around anymore it’s always with us in spirit.
But hey, pride is beautiful! Love is love. I could go on and on with slogans I’ve seen on t-shirts at Target. It’s the holiest month of the year. Get it? Because glory hole? Like the Troye Sivan song? How do I know who Troye Sivan is? Don’t ask me questions. My kids like to play his songs. He can actually dance so well. Plus hey. I don’t see color. In those logos. Seriously, why did none of those companies do that this year? You guys didn’t? That’s honestly homophobic. And that’s on period, yas queen! Did I use that right?
Hey, little victories, and little changes in habit, they’re all progress. I mean, that’s what my gay cousin always says. I took the kids to pride this year, and they had a lot of fun. The town is called Boystown, that’s so clever! There was a lot going on in the parade that my kids had never seen before so I did have to answer a lot of questions. Like “What is Deloitte?” and “What is Lockheed Martin?” This year, I learned that at the end of the day, my cousin and I, we’re not so different after all. We both go through the back door, if you know what I’m saying. You know what I’m saying? I’m saying that I’m cheating on my wife so I need to make sure she doesn’t catch me. Love is love, am I right?
Punk Band More Known for Their Work as Line Cooks Rather Than Their Music
BY IAN STEFFÉ
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk band Wizard Wrecker are trying to make peace with the fact they are highly regarded for their work as line cooks at local venue Bloody Knuckles, rather than any music they ever made, sources confirmed.
“I can’t say their music is awful because I actually respect awful, it makes you actually feel something,” confessed Alex Bui, booker and GM of the club. “It’s something worse than that: they’re boring. We let them do a show once and people were so tuned out that I saw people using their phones to compare car insurance rates. Taking a Tylenol PM and reading a phone book would be more entertaining than whatever they were doing. But we hired them later when we opened the kitchen. And they make this smashburger that is just transcendent. It tastes like an idea of home you never knew but wish you had when your parents were still together. I know I’m saying this in ethereal terms, but… it really gets to you man.
Lines of customers are regularly outside the club ordering the 9-dollar burger, much to the chagrin of the band that has to serve them.
“I honestly don’t get what the deal is other than a lot of these people are drunk and rowdy,” said lead singer Ben Naramore, looking through the service window. “I mean it’s just meat, cheese and mayo. The irony is this job has made us so much more money and we can finally afford studio time now. But we haven’t played in months because we’re working overtime over here. It’s hard to choose between the two. I mean, we have insurance! How am I supposed to walk away from that?”
This issue with identity is not a new phenomena, according to punk historian Jay Bothwell.
“The band should be happy that they’re known for something somewhat positive, honestly. Other bands have been overshadowed by far less. No one remembers Blocked Shots in Omaha until you bring up the Chevy Suburban their guitarist drove. They couldn’t book a gig, but that SUV helped many great bands move a lot of equipment,” said Bothell. “Then there’s Open Casket in Minneapolis. They were spinning their wheels in the ‘80s until their drummer beat the shit out of Paul Westerburg. Actually, not much changed after that. That was a two-week pop of attention.”
As of press time, Wizard Wrecker announced they already sold out of a new shirt honoring their in-demand burger, while their full-length LP on Soundcloud remains at 14 self-listens.
Opinion: I Was Part of the Government’s Top Secret Rodent Man Experiments and I Don’t Appreciate Being Sexualized
Like millions of Americans, you have probably been enthralled with the recent wave of fairly weird-looking celebrities being labeled as ‘Hot Rodent Men.’ Look, I get it. Guys like Timothée Chalamet are certainly attractive to some, and definitely have vermin-esque features. Beneath those beady eyes and angular chins lies a harrowing darkness, however. Before you make another TikTok about how Mike Faist is ‘low key ugly’ but also ‘vibes,’ you should know the ick-inducing truth.
In the summer of 2005, several of these ‘hot rodent men’ and I were part of a top secret government program known as ‘Operation HRM12.’ The initial goal of this experiment was to create a hyper-intelligent species of rat that could infiltrate the powerful Mole Man society that resides beneath the New York City subway system. We were told the project was imperative to national security. We were almost successful even. Until… the incident occurred.
As our cerebral matter was infused with the ever-growing vermin army, several hundred lab rats started speaking incoherent gibberish before promptly exploding; killing the government’s dreams of conquering the nefarious Mole Man King. Devastated by their loss, the scientists turned their ire toward the humans. We were subjected to numerous tests, ranging from all cheddar diets to experimental neck-building exercises to help us withstand the Mole Men’s various man-sized mouse traps.
To help normalize the horrifying changes to our facial features, those who could take no more were forced to sign NDAs and pursue careers in the entertainment industry. The unlucky few who stayed progressed further into rat-human monstrosities reminiscent of Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Had I not escaped into the sewers, I might be residing in the island colony to which they were exiled.
You’ll have to forgive me for not jumping for joy over this impending ‘Rat Boy Summer.’ While you gawk over Jeremy Allen White, I remember his blood-curdling pleas of lactose-intolerance during the cheddar trials. As you daydream about stuffing Kieran Culkin in your shirt pocket, I revisit memories of him sobbing as he is forced to watch an unreleased episode of “Tom and Jerry” in which the former is brutally clawed to death by the latter on a twelve-hour loop.
I don’t care what gets you off. Now that you know the truth, however, I just want you to think of the human being with .009% rat DNA before objectifying them.
Civilization 7 to Add New ‘Senile’ Leader Trait
SPARKS, Md. — Sid Meier’s Civilization VII, the upcoming game in the popular 4X strategy series will be shaking things with the addition of the ‘Senile’ leader trait as confirmed by Firaxis Games.
While the game, which was announced at Summer Game Fest, is still a ways off, Firaxis CEO Frank Kirkland gave fans a tease of the upcoming entry on Twitter by revealing the new trait.
“I can’t say too much since we’re still hard at work but we’re adding a new leader trait to make the series a bit more relatable to the contemporary world. Select leaders in 7 will have the senile trait and that will offer players a whole new dimension of strategy,” Kirkland tweeted.
Sid Meier was asked about the new trait and gave the reason for its addition in an interview
“We want this game to be as accurate with the times as possible, so we looked at current world leaders to add the most common traits among them to the game,” said Meier. ‘Senile’ was by far the most common. This trait will affect the actions of leaders in a variety of ways. It will give a random chance of making the leader wander around aimlessly, it may also force the player to waste turns making long and insane social media posts. Stuff like that.”
Lead gameplay designer Debra Hudley says that the team is still struggling to implement the trait in a way that doesn’t break the game.
“A major consequence of the trait is that leaders with it have consistently low approval rates among in-game citizens,” Hudley stated. “But for some reason, they keep picking leaders with this trait. It essentially means that the player can never win if they have the trait. It just completely bottlenecks the progress of the player’s civilization so we need to spend some time to fix the system.”
At press time, Firaxis also plans on implementing the possibility that leaders with the trait may die of old age before games reach their natural conclusion.
Lord Saddler Cancels World Domination After Discovering Magical, Golden Egg-Laying Chickens
Somewhere in Europe — Lord Osmund Saddler shocked the biohazard terrorism community today by announcing a halt to his brainwashing scheme, after discovering the existence of magical chickens that lay golden eggs.
Lord Saddler broke the news to a town hall filled with local villagers, cultists, and private military forces. Although a small gathering at first, many late arrivers would soon join, brandishing strange keys, emblems, and sliding puzzles.
“This convoluted plot has been brought to an end,” announced Lord Saddler as he held up a golden egg. “Infecting the daughter of the most powerful man in the world, ransoming her off, and then using her as a Trojan horse to seize power? Absolute insanity. We don’t need Las Plagas to run the world. We’ve got something much more effective. Money.”
The mood amongst the crowd was difficult to judge, though several of the villagers were willing to make their opinions known.
“Business has never been better,” said an unknown individual who would only give ‘Merchant’ as his name. “Forget spending hours tuning up weapons or dragging around attaché cases of slightly increasing size. There’s gold in them chickens.”
Golden eggs have been a rumored sight in the rural region for years. Originally recorded as a part of the village’s founding myth, they were recently discovered to be real after a local resident blew up several chickens while throwing dynamite at a trespasser. Although a mass chicken cull was proposed, this was halted after discovering the chickens could also lay the eggs naturally.
The US Government is not pleased with the area’s newfound wealth especially after the kidnapping of President Graham’s daughter resulted in a single agent being deployed to her rescue. However, according to officials within the State Department, President Graham has begun mobilizing troops for a full invasion.
“We cannot possibly comment on any ‘hypotheticals’ at this time,” explained press secretary Sacha Valley. “What I will say is that every situation demands its own tailored response. Whether it’s sending one operative to rescue the president’s daughter, or sending ten thousand soldiers to reintroduce democracy to these Spanish inbreds, it really does depend.”
At press time, the Umbrella Corporation announced plans to send a team of researchers to study the chickens for scientifically moral purposes.
