Hard Digest June 26: Early Access Rob Dyrdek Unplugged, Presidential Debates, Scrap Copper, and More

New MTV ‘Unplugged’ Special to Feature Rob Dyrdek Learning Acoustic Guitar

BY WILLIAM VAILLANCOURT 

LOS ANGELES — MTV announced the latest edition to their famed “Unplugged” series will showcase “Ridiculousness” host Rob Dyrdek learning the acoustic guitar, giddy network executives confirmed.

“It was an easy choice,” programming director Cal Berry said while chomping on an unlit cigar. “There is no better way to rejuvenate this respected platform than to have Rob show off what he’s learned from watching a couple Marty Schwartz tutorials. It technically does check off the boxes for both ‘music’ and ‘television,’ so we’re good. Rob has been super excited because he picked up his guitar at a local Goodwill and saved a bunch of money buying it used. I can tell you this, I’ve watched some of his rehearsals and this might be the greatest entry in the ‘Unplugged’ series yet. Move over Pearl Jam, out of the way Nirvana, it’s time for Rob Dyrdek.”

Audience members, however, weren’t pleased, in part because they arrived expecting to watch a taping of “Ridiculousness” only to have the rug pulled out from under them.

“We watched the guy thumb his way through the same four buzzy, half-muted chords for an hour, and I kept wondering when he was going to play a video of a kid on a hoverboard dropping a full pizza pie into the dirt,” Mike Conner said afterward with a thousand-yard stare. “We kept waiting for the show to start, but whenever he put the guitar down, he would just walk over to his hat rack to put on a new flat brim, and Chanel West Coast would clap and laugh like a seal. Then he’d rub his hands together and sit back down on the stool to continue his C, F, G and A minor routine. At least he mixed up the order. So there’s that. But still, terrible all around.”

Dyrdek admits he is proud of the special and excited to see it air.

“It was tight. Real cool. I was out there doing my thing, a little of this, a little of that. You feel me?” Dyrdek said. “My fingers were cooked after, but I can’t complain. This business is hard work. It’s not all reading a teleprompter and saying ‘Oh, damn’ after watching someone get hit in the nuts with a pickleball paddle. I already feel like learning some new shit in case we run it back. Apparently Slash has some chords named after him? That’s so sick. I’ll hit him up.”

At press time, MTV announced that Dyrdek has been nominated for Best New Artist at the VMAs.

Muted Mics, No Audience, and the Immediate Execution of Both Men Involved: How CNN Is Revamping the Debate

BY TIM SHEARD 

To quote President Joe Biden, we’re in uncharted territory. The 2024 presidential election is shaping up to be one of the most unorthodox races in U.S. history. CNN hopes that some major rule changes will bring much-needed order to the growing chaos. But will conditions like the absence of a live audience, a ban on pre-written notes, and the immediate termination of both men following the debate be enough to restore civil discourse?

Critics have blasted the debates of the last two election cycles as complete debacles, due in no small part to Trump’s sensationalist flair and lack of respect for the rules. He would frequently rile the crowd and speak over his opponents. To make matters worse, in both debate cycles, one of the two extremely unlikable people arguing went on to become president of the United States. Given these unfortunate circumstances, few would disagree that the debates are broken, which is perhaps why the candidates have agreed to hand control over to the networks directly. Here’s a look at the conditions CNN has installed for Thursday night’s debate:

Muted Mics: To combat candidates speaking over one another, each will have their mic muted while it’s their opponent’s turn to speak.

No Live Studio Audience: CNN hopes that the absence of a crowd reaction will foster a more concise and honest discussion between the two candidates.

Execution of Both Candidates Following Debate: Prior to the debate each candidate will consume a dose of CX147, a chemical compound designed to take effect shortly after the debate’s scheduled runtime. Once it reaches the bloodstream it will cause failure of the heart and lungs, resulting in the cessation of respiration and brain activity in each 2024 hopeful.

No Props or Pre-written Notes: Though each candidate will be provided with a pen and paper as well as a water bottle, no other items will be allowed. That means no pre-written notes, no digital devices, and no antidote to compound CX147.

No Sitting: The candidates will not be provided with chairs as sitting while an opponent speaks can undermine the spirit of debate and slow the absorption of CX147 into the bloodstream.

Commercial Breaks: There are two scheduled commercial breaks during the debate. However, candidates will not be allowed to use this time to consult with their campaign team. CNN wishes to present an honest discussion between the two candidates alone, free of the influence of staffers, analysts, or anyone who may provide candidates with substances known to mitigate the lethality of compound CX147.

So which candidate is more likely to emerge the victor under the new debate terms? Experts remain conflicted but agree that ultimately it won’t matter. Pass or fail, we applaud CNN for attempting to restore some dignity to this storied election tradition, and CX147 for giving us all a much-needed reset.

Broke Punk Considers Scrapping Copper IUD

BY MATTHEW SCHNEEMAN

MINNEAPOLIS — Local woman Lauren Bangert is considering selling her copper IUD contraceptive for scrap in order to make a few extra dollars to pay off her multiple overdue bills, impressed sources confirm.

“Money is tight ever since I got fired from Cracker Barrel for calling a customer a ‘walking pile of shriveled dog shit’ and I figure I have this bullshit IUD that doesn’t even stop my period and copper prices are pretty good right now,” said Bangert. “I’ve tried other methods for quick cash, I tried selling my blood, but apparently if you bag it yourself nobody wants it. I figure now is the time. My neighbor just tossed out their water heater so, if I load that into my car and go to the scrapyard I can make some money from that metal, and this IUD that I hope hurts less coming out, because when they put it in it felt like Satan himself was headbutting his way through my vagina.”

Some people are concerned about the move, thinking it is unsanitary or are just worried that Bangert is economically vulnerable.

“I mean, it’s not necessarily that it’s gross. I’m a feminist. I don’t think anything involving a woman’s vagina is gross,” one of Lauren’s friends, Max Wilczyk, stated confidently. “I’ll go down on you in a porta potty on a 90-degree day while you’re on your period. I don’t give a fuck. But I was just worried that she was hard up for cash and when I told her this she just yelled ‘My body my choice!’ at me and jumped on one of those double-decker bikes the punk welders make and took off.”

Doctor Susan Wilkerson, Bangert’s gynecologist, skirted HIPAA rules to provide a quote.

“I understand the fascination that if something was in you, you should be able to hold it or see if it has a certain value. However, there are medical waste policies that prohibit doctors from giving things like bone fragments or kidney stones to patients,” said Dr. Wilkerson. “But this is different–never before had we had patients ask for IUDs back after removing them, and now we’ve noticed at our clinic more requests to keep them. A couple people even brought in IUDs they ‘inherited’ from a friend. Kind of like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but for contraceptives. It’s troubling.”

As of press time, Bangert did, in fact, try to scrap the IUD, but found that selling it to “some weirdo online” was substantially more lucrative.

More From The Hard Times:

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Police Officer Playing Bodycam Accused of Turning Monitor Off Before Shooting

BY TRAYE HOLLAND 

LOS ANGELES — LAPD officer and gaming hobbyist Michael Thompson has allegedly been shutting off his computer monitor every time he shoots in the popular new online shooter Bodycam.

“There was a player-involved shooting and unfortunately some people were eliminated,” said Officer Thompson. “I wish I could tell you what exactly happened, but the second I saw the enemy team my computer monitor stopped working entirely. I heard gunshots and returned fire. I wasn’t able to get my monitor up and running again until after the shooting had stopped.”

However, other gamers present paint a different picture of the events.

“We were in a game of Team Deathmatch, on the same team,” explained gamer Rebecca Davis, who was online at the scene of the incident. “The match had just started. We hadn’t even seen the enemy team yet before he started freaking out, yelling ‘Gun! Gun!’ into the mic and firing into the walls and ceiling. He teamkilled two of us. I started yelling at him and he made the excuse that his computer monitor shut off on its own. I’d be more likely to believe him if the exact same thing didn’t happen in the next round. Or the round after.”

Thompson reportedly repeated this behavior until his team lost the match. Members of the opposing team also noticed something was amiss.

“We were gonna just all go camp in one room and wait for them to come to us,” said Jordan White, a member of the opposing team. “We were just chilling in there when we heard all these gunshots. By the time we went out to investigate, half of them were dead already.”

While many in his team were understandably upset, Thompson quickly jumped to his own defense.

“This is a high-stress game,” explained Thompson. “Danger lurks around every corner. Every day I log in there is no guarantee that my character is gonna make it out alive. I’m not gonna stop and check that my computer monitor is working every time I get shot at.”

At press time, the LAPD conducted an internal investigation into the claims made against Officer Thompson and determined he had done nothing wrong.

Gamer With 4 Games Breaks Record for Largest PS5 Collection

BY MATT FRESH 

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local gaming collector Ryan Meadows has achieved a world record for having the largest collection of PS5 games with four.

Guinness World Records spokesperson Jefferey Lewis announced Meadows’s record in a press conference held just outside Meadow’s garage which doubles as his man cave where he keeps his collection.

“We at Guinness World Records have seen a lot of large video game collections. Lots of people have thousands of games just for one system so not much surprises me anymore in the video game collection space. But when I saw Mr. Meadows’ collection I was taken aback. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to have this many PS5 games but there they were, all four of them proudly displayed on his shelf in between a large collection of PS4 games and a large collection of Nintendo Switch games.”

Meadows got teary-eyed as he spoke about his collection to the press.

“I’ve been cultivating this collection for years. I’ve been in the trenches with the PS5 since day one. My wife tried to stop me, telling me that spending that much money on a gaming console with no games was a waste of money and that it would be better spent paying off our mortgage or helping with my dad’s cancer treatment but I knew it would pay off,” Meadows had to stop to compose himself before continuing. 

“I’ve been collecting video games since I was a kid and I’ve cultivated something I’m really proud of. I have hundreds of Switch games, hundreds of PS3 games, thousands of SNES games, and so on but my PS5 collection is special. It’s the only system I own every single game of. It took a lot of patience and a lot of waiting for games to be released, like agonizingly long periods of waiting for games but I’m glad I stuck with it. I love my collection, well maybe not Forspoken but it’s decent enough. I’m honored to be recognized by Guinness World Records and I know if my dad were still alive he’d be proud of his boy.”

At press time, Meadows is eagerly anticipating the announcement of the fifth PS5 game so he can grow his collection further and also announced plans to start an Xbox Series X collection once there are games to collect for it.