Hard Digest June 25: Joe Biden, Early Access Rob Zombie, Aerosmith, Boomers, and More

Biden Aides Heatwave Crisis by Supplying Every American With New Pair of Aviator Sunglasses

BY KARA MOORE 

WASHINGTON — President Biden announced a new government plan that will provide all citizens a free state-issued pair of aviator sunglasses to combat the dangerous heat enveloping the country.

“Listen Jack, we want to keep everyone cool as a cucumber… maybe even cooler. That’s why I am passing the ‘You gotta look cool, to stay cool’ act. Starting immediately, every household will be given a voucher to any Sunglass Hut left in the US,” said President Biden while wearing a fresh pressed pair of Chinos, Huaraches sandals, and an XXL Tommy Bahama bowling shirt. “Now Americans won’t have to worry about their body boiling to death because they can’t afford to run an air conditioner, these glasses are going to keep you as cool as a refreshing malted milkshake from the soda jerk. Americans not wearing aviators will be under strict guidelines to isolate themselves and avoid all jazz and blues festivals for the foreseeable summer.”

Elizabeth Hubbard, a young mother of three, is looking forward to any form of relief from the heat.

“At first I was skeptical, like how are sunglasses gonna help protect people from dehydration, painful sunburns, and maybe even death, but then I saw the voucher was for name brand Ray Bans,” said Hubbard. “I had to Google it for a few hours, but I found a mall where I can redeem my vouchers just 350 miles away. I packed the kids in the car and we made the trip. Unfortunately the store had already run out when I arrived, so I camped out overnight and got a pair in the morning, the only problem was infants are issued adult-sized sunglasses, with no exceptions. So my youngest looks kind of silly, but if he survives the next heat wave he will grow into them.”

Meteorologist Mike Dunlap believes President Biden’s actions are insufficient considering the devastation that could occur.

“The president is not doing enough to keep everyone cool. If he wants to really make any dent in this crisis we’re gonna need some Kangol hats and Earth, Wind and Fire records… well, maybe not fire,” said Dunlap. “This is an existential threat. Drastic actions are needed immediately. We should have started this ten years ago by sending vintage motorcycles to every one of driving age to make sure everyone was cool enough to survive this. I’m afraid we might already be too late.”

At press time, former President Trump says he plans to prevent future heat waves by making a deal with the sun to only heat up countries that are enemies of the United States.

Rob Zombie Admits He Only Makes Movies Because He Ran Out of Horror Soundbites To Use In His Music

BY DAN KOZUH

LOS ANGELES — Occasional musician and filmmaker Rob Zombie admitted that his foray into the cinematic arts was driven by a lack of fresh horror sound bites for his music, stunned horror and music communities confirmed.

“I am first and foremost a musician, but I’d used up all the good quotes in my almost four decade long career,” Zombie admitted from the editing bay of his upcoming film “Blood Bride Cannibal Carnival.” “After sampling every creepy laugh, scream, orgasm, and eerie organ note from vintage camp horror films, there was just nothing left. I had to get creative if I wanted to keep up the harrowing vibe in my music. I figured, why not make my own movies? That way, I have an endless supply of horror sounds from which to pull.”

Not everyone in the horror community is thrilled by Zombie’s confession, however.

“I always thought he had a deep passion for violent cinema, but it turns out he just needed unique Wilhelm screams,” grumbled film critic Jonathan Grayson from the horror film blog Gore & More. “His movies are basically elaborate mixtapes for his next album. I always forgave the plot holes because the gratuitous violence was so wonderful. But he’s just harvesting screams and groans. I mean, his third solo album ‘Educated Horses’ even has a song titled ‘The Devil’s Rejects.’ Doesn’t sit well.”

Experts in both music and film industries are weighing in on the implications of Zombie’s dual-career strategy.

“Rob Zombie’s approach is a unique fusion of artistic mediums,” Dr. Emily Greene, a professor of media studies at UCLA, noted. “By creating his own horror films, he generates a self-sustaining cycle of inspiration and content. It’s an innovative, if somewhat unorthodox, method of ensuring his music remains as haunting as ever and it makes him push the boundaries of sound design in his films. That’s why he always hires the same producer for both his albums and movies.”

As of press time, Zombie was said to be already writing a new film “Hellbilly Harvest: The Blood Moon Massacre at Devil’s Hollow” starring his wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, so he can have audio for an album titled “Electric Hellfire Freakshow: Tales from the Crypt of Madness.”

4 Aerosmith Songs Guaranteed To Make You Uncomfortable With the Way Stephen Tyler Looks at His Daughter

BY IAN STEFFÉ 

Stephen Tyler, famously known as the frontman of Aerosmith, is also the father of actress Liv Tyler. Knowing this and then reflecting on the visual and lyrical elements of certain Aerosmith songs could cast Stephen Tyler in a pretty creepy light. Creepier than usual, even. Here are four examples of songs and videos by Aerosmith that will make you cringe harder than the first time you saw the ending of “Oldboy.”

Walk this Way
Backstroke lover
Always hidin’ ‘neath the covers
‘Til I talked to your daddy, he say
He said, “You ain’t seen nothin’
‘Til you’re down on a muffin
Then you’re sure to be a-changin’ your ways”

Okay cool so before America’s top incest fixation of stepdaughters being stuck in dryers, you get this fun “freestyle skat” from rubber Carol Burnett puppet Steven Tyler getting oral sex advice from a dad towards the presumptive partner in the song. You remember how fun and comfortable it was when you met your girlfriend’s sex-positive parents. Yay!

Crazy
A Thelma and Louis-inspired video of a then 17-year-old Alicia Silverstone and 16-year-old Liv Tyler.

It’s Liv Tyler pole dancing in front of older dudes with panning close-ups of her ass in such a way that would only be accepted in French movies Louis CK bought from the Criterion Collection. The message seems to be “Hey do you mind if me and the guys sing to you while you want to bone my daughter?” There are just so many cringey moments in this video from the strip club to skinny dipping with a chiseled Supercuts model and it’s especially focused on Liv. If you make it to the end you’ll be wishing a firefighter would show up with one of those weighted blankets and start doing the “It’s not your fault” speech from Good Will Hunting.

Cheesecake
looser than her sister
(Cheesecake), her sugar gets me high
She knows I can’t resist her (Cheese cake)
Got my fingers in her pie (Cheese cake)
(Cheese cake), sneakin’ out the back door
(Cheese cake), rollin’ down the lawn
Everybody kissed her (Cheese cake)
At the crack of dawn (Cheese cake)

Let’s set aside the repeated use of the word “daddy” in this song and focus on the cheesecake metaphor. There were a lot of comparisons to desserts and sex in ‘70s music, but cheesecake did not come up a lot. It’s thick and dairy-forward which calls to mind a discharge that probably needs medical attention. The combined imagery of vague incest and cheese is… something. It’s as if Chuck Tingle and Ben Shapiro went into the Brundlefly machine and emerged a singular, way worse writer because of it.

Don’t Want to Miss a Thing
”Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the blockbuster film “Armagedon” was apparently the only music video on VH1 in 1998. It features Steven Tyler and the band covered in feathers and singing on the moon looking like something that smart crows would build to scare humans away. All the while Ben Affleck is pawing Liv Tyler in montage scenes as if he’s rummaging through a box of Dunkin Donuts munchkins. This is the second time Steven Tyler did a video where he gets incest cuckolded by a dude that somehow looks like a Nissan Altima while he and the rest of his band mill around a stage like the vulture people in Dark Crystal. Pretty weird well to go back to. At least the song wasn’t written by Steven Tyler because he would have done something like “There’s Candy In My Front Pockets (There’s no Police On the Moon)”

Boomer Stands at Pickup Counter and Watches Fast Food Employees Prepare His Meal With the Focus of a Stalking Leopard

BY ALEX VLAHOV 

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Local retiree Mitch Danfork was seen standing directly in front of a pickup counter and observing his meal’s preparation with the focus of a hungry panther, confirmed intimidated sources.

“I’m here for quality control. I don’t want my burger thrown around carelessly. Damn ready to jump over this counter and suggest some pointers to this lazy generation. I’ve gotten in trouble for walking back there in the kitchen so nowadays I just stand planted here watching as close as I can, leaning over when I need to,” admitted Danfork at a local In-N-Out, belt buckle pressed against the metal counter as his pupils targeted his meal with precision. “Sometimes I point at my watch and gently tap, which I’m sure the staff finds helpful. Standing so close allows me to dial in on my food being prepared. I’m like ‘The Terminator’ with that visual scanner. Looking for quality, speed, a damn smile from these kids once and while. The customer is always right! At least they were in my day.”

Longtime In-N-Out employee Randall Teakwood doesn’t share the appreciation.

“He gives us so much anxiety. I feel like walking meat, like a fucking zebra or something, ready to be pounced on. Those weird sad eyes follow me around like the Mona Lisa,” complained Teakwood from the parking lot on break. “I can feel his hot breath, it feels like I’m dealing with some downtrodden apex predator in L.L. Bean with his arms crossed, gut flopped out in an American flag tee, giving me a stern squint behind wraparound sunglasses. Plus he touches other people’s food preemptively thinking it’s his, which of course only adds more work for us. You learn tactics, though. For instance, I try to make myself look larger than I am and never turn my back toward him. I’m even considering playing dead to see if he just goes away.”

Seaside Taco franchise owner Cindy Liebson, familiar with Danfork, is taking action.

“We’re introducing a slight buffer zone around the pickup counter that makes lingering less appealing,” shared Liebson in her ocean-themed office. “We’ve tried benches, but that does nothing. Sometimes boomers even stand on the benches to get a better view of the kitchen. These boomers don’t have to stay so focused, as if their food were jittering rodent prey in a wheatfield. Of course such suggestions always seem to make things worse, we’ve known this generation to be real ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ types. I blame the years of drinking water from lead pipes and growing up in houses lined with asbestos.”

At press time, Danfork roared back into a local In-N-Out due to the lack of onions in his burger, demanding a fresh order while suggesting an entirely new re-organized layout for the drive-thru line.

More From The Hard Times:

Top 20 Songs I Like Mostly Because They Mention Places I’ve Been

Legendary Chiptune Composer Cites Crippling Tinnitus as Inspiration

BY KYLE DUGGAN 

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Renowned chiptune composer Joel Grady revealed that all of his award winning soundtracks were directly inspired by his debilitating tinnitus, which causes him to hear a constant, high-pitched ringing in his ears.

“I don’t know how much longer I can live like this,” said Grady. “I never wanted to make music. I wasn’t a gamer growing up. Hell, I didn’t even know ‘chiptune’ was a thing until I turned thirty and the ringing started. I was complaining about it to my buddy who happened to be working on an indie game, and he said the unbearable sounds I was hearing were exactly what they were looking for. I honestly don’t know why anyone would choose to listen to this. I’ve got a stable job now, I guess, but I’d rather have peace.”

Grady’s wife, Melissa, said that his condition and resultant career were ruining their relationship.

“He’s just not the man I married anymore,” said Melissa. “We used to talk and laugh all day. Now he can barely hold a conversation. Not only can he not hear what I’m saying, but half the time, ‘inspiration’ will strike him halfway through a sentence. He’ll just run off to write a new song. I felt bad for him when the tinnitus started, because he couldn’t get a good night’s sleep. Now it affects both of us, because he wakes me up when he springs out of bed in the middle of the night to compose. It doesn’t help that he is audibly crying through all of this.”

Birdfeeder, an indie studio that specializes in roguelikes and 2D platformers, related a meeting they had with the renowned composer.

“We almost landed him for a project we’re working on,” said Neil McMillan, a lead developer at Birdfeeder. “He actually met with us at our office, which seemed really cool at the time. We couldn’t believe that we had a shot at hiring him, but it fell apart pretty quickly. Once we told him that the game’s protagonist was a regular guy who falls under a terrible curse that is also the source of his powers, he just started to weep uncontrollably. We happened to have a mic in the room and got some decent samples out of that, but he didn’t stick around and won’t return our calls anymore. It’s such a shame.”

At press time, Grady was reportedly speaking at a gaming convention, begging his fans to explain how they found his music appealing.

Deadpool Breaks Fourth Wall To Give Full Mint Mobile Commercial

BY CHARLES BILL 

LOS ANGELES — A preview screening for the upcoming film “Deadpool & Wolverine” featured a fourth wall-shattering moment where the title character turned directly to the camera and presented a thirty second Mint Mobile commercial, sources confirm.

“Alright popcorn munchers, listen up,” said the Merc with a Mouth, who was joined by both Wolverine and a green cartoon fox. “Sure, Thunder From Down Under over there has a Nokia flip phone because he’s from the 1800s and Canadian, but you and I are normal. We have the best, most modern phones and we don’t want to pay for huge contracts. When I was on AT&T, I could barely afford my daily chimichanga. But with Mint Mobile, you can get unlimited data for only $15 a month. That’s almost like the unlimited power that wrinkly-chinned Grimace got when he had those power stones. Speaking of power stones, I have a couple in my pants right now. Scan the QR code on the screen while I make a smoothie.”

Although the ad is expected to bring millions of dollars in business to Mint, not all participants in the film were thrilled with the scene’s blatant consumerism.

“Listen bub, movies are about having fun and eating Twizzlers, not whatever this is,” said an exhausted fifty-five year old Wolverine as the scene continued. “When I had my emotional sendoff in Logan, which I’m now undercutting by being in this movie, I didn’t turn to camera to promote the tourism board of Australia. Trust me, I wanted to, they offered me a lot of money, and the koalas are something special. I joined up with Wade to kick some ass and cut people in half, and all he can talk about is this cell phone carrier and something called Aviation Gin. I don’t know what those things are, but he keeps making snide remarks about them like it’s an inside joke. I’m going back to musicals after this.”

Despite the controversy, experts say this kind of guerrilla marketing is not unprecedented in cinema.

“Celebrities use their films to hock products all the time,” said film critic Leonard Maltin. “George Clooney only made Ocean’s 11-13 because he knew he could portray Danny Ocean as a massive fan of Nespresso. Rihanna appeared in Battleship as a character desperate for low-cost, high-quality lingerie, and her climactic moment comes when she discovers Fenty Beauty. David Fincher had to cut a scene in Se7en in which Gwyneth Paltrow’s disembodied head espouses the health benefits of her Goop vagina candles. And it’s a worse film for it.”

At press time, sneak peek attendees described a scene where Deadpool fights hordes of mutants while promoting “Welcome to Wrexham” on FX.