Hard Digest June 22: Early Access Summer Clothing, Instagram, Social Interactions, and More Free Vinyl,

Punk Who Wears Too Little Clothing in Winter Excited to Now Wear Too Much In Summer

BY MATTHEW SCHNEEMAN 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Bobby Anderson, who spent the winter underdressed, is excited to spend the summer wearing way more clothes than anyone would deem necessary, sources close to the sweaty man confirmed.

“It’s not like I don’t wear warm clothes in the winter. My pants have holes in them, but I’m not gonna support the fast fashion industry by buying more plastic garbage. And my vest is mostly patches so it’s like, thick, you know? I’m not an idiot,” said Anderson while layering a leather jacket over a vest and longsleeve shirt on an 89-degree day. “I’ll be honest, there really is no difference between my winter gear and my summer gear anyway. I only have like 10 pieces of clothes and the closest they get to being clean is when it rains really hard. Besides, the problem is global warming. I’m not gonna adapt to this apocalypse. Me getting too hot this summer is like a protest.”

Rochelle Anderson, Bobby’s sister, is not looking forward to another summer in close proximity to her sibling.

“He doesn’t have a car so I’ll give him rides to our parents’ house for holidays and dinners and all winter long he jumps in and says ‘F** it’s cold’ and will, like, hit the dashboard as if that’ll make the heater work better,” said the older sister. “Then in the summer it’s the same thing and he’s like ‘F** it’s hot’ and then rolls down the window even though the air conditioner is on, but now he stinks like the dumpster behind Red Lobster and his sweat soaks into my car seat and I have to pay a detailer to get it cleaned.”

Emergency room nurse Laura Synder says there is an uptick in dehydration and heat stroke among the punk-rock community disproportional to the general population every summer.

“The first heat wave is like punk spring break and these kids come rolling in. Punk fashion used to be more baggy but now it’s skinny jeans and everything is dark colors. Patches, tights with shorts over them,” said Snyder. “The goths come in too, but they seem to spend more time indoors so we don’t see as many of them. What makes things worse is, they’re all dehydrated. I guess it became a thing to remind people to drink water on Instagram and now they’re thinking drinking water is supporting Mark Zuckerberg or something.”

At press time, Anderson was being admitted to a local hospital due to his sweaty feet causing a case of trench foot far worse than anything soldiers in World War 1 dealt with.

Want a Free Vinyl from the Hard Times Merch Store? Here’s Our Tutorial on How to Open a Credit Card in Someone Else’s Name

BY JACK HUMPHREY

Everything is getting more and more expensive these days. Retailers like Target and Walmart recently admitted they are price gouging all of us. As a fuck you to those greedy corporate fat cats, we at The Hard Times we wanted to give you all the opportunity to get a free vinyl record from our Hard Times Shoppe.

Now we can’t just give you a free vinyl, that would rob you of the satisfaction of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and earning one yourself. My grandfather had a saying, “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man wire fraud, you give him the opportunity to buy a limited edition orange vinyl of Ceremony’s Rohnert Park LP at no cost to themselves.” In honor of this sage advice, here are our tips to open a credit card in someone else’s name.

Step 1: Dumpster Dive to Find Credit Card Offers Sent to Your Neighbors

The easiest way to get a credit card opened in someone else’s name is to find the offers people are sent in the mail. Go to the dumpster behind your apartment and start digging. You think you just saw the guy with the Chevy Camaro throw away his trash and that piece of shit keeps doing burnouts out of your parking lot at 2 a.m., so he has it coming.

Step 2: Ponder the Grim Implications of the Oppressive Economic Systems Put in Place to Keep Those in Power Thriving

Ok so you dug through your apartment’s dumpster and all you found were overdue bills and evidence that your neighbors have as many maxed credit cards as you. You did find the Camaro Guy’s mail and found he is in a pretty contentious custody battle and is likely using the early morning burnouts as a coping mechanism. Before you formulate your next plan of attack, take a moment to reflect on the structure of the economic systems of our society and how those systems are put in place to allow people that are already thriving to continue to thrive at the expense of those with lower economic status.

Step 3: Dig Mailboxes in a Nearby Affluent Suburb to Find Better Credit Card Offers

After a short period of reflection on our economic system, you decide that you aren’t going to let the bourgeoisie bastards get away with it. You’re going to the suburb near you that pays to be on a “Top 10 Places to Live” list put on by an online magazine and find credit card offers there. You’re not just doing this for a free vinyl anymore, you’re doing this for you and all your neighbors forced to barely scrape by.

Step 4: Bail Yourself Out of Jail

Yeah so the police in the suburb you picked clocked you almost immediately after you passed the “Welcome to Carmel, Indiana” sign. You didn’t even make it to a mailbox and they arrested you for “disorderly conduct,” whatever the fuck that means, and you have to call a friend to bail you out. Thanks to the bail costs, you are down $200 from when you started, which means you need a free vinyl more than ever. Keep going, now is not the time to quit.

Step 5: Regroup by Watching “Catch Me If You Can” Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks

You need some inspiration, so you decide to watch Catch Me if You Can with the buddy that bailed you out. You didn’t find any meaningful ideas since the movie takes place in the ‘60s and ‘70s and identity theft safeguards have changed since then, but it’s a solid flick.

Step 6: Just Use Gene Simmons’s Information

If all the steps above fail for you, feel free to use Gene Simmons’s information that we got by posing as someone looking to license the KISS brand for a mobile game or some shit like that.

Name: Chaim Witz
Address: 1234 Coral Canyon Rd. Malibu, California
Social Security Number: 666-16-5678
Security Question: Name of First Pet?
Answer: Peter Criss

Congratulations, you now have the skills to open a credit card in someone else’s name. Take time to scroll through the Hard Times Shoppe and spend to your heart’s content, you’ve earned it.

Instagram Apologizes for Bug That Briefly Allowed Users’ Posts to be Viewed by Their Followers

BY TIM GRAHAM 

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Instagram’s PR team apologized recently after a glitch temporarily restored the app to something resembling what it used to be when a user’s posts were consistently viewed by their followers, according to doomscrolling sources.

“We want to apologize to everyone who was impacted by seeing their friends on our platform,” said Meta spokesperson Eileen Fudge. “The problem was related to a bug in an update, which accidentally rolled our algorithm back to a version from about five years ago. As a result, there was a brief period of time when users were seeing increased engagement with friends and followers. Some reported experiencing a significant reduction in ads and an influx of likes, which may have been confusing or even alarming to regular Instagram users. Rest assured, the problem has now been resolved.”

Instagram user Shelley Bonelli was thrilled to see the app behaving as it once did.

“The ‘gram used to be a great platform for posting my artwork and keeping in touch with my friends,” said Bonelli while desperately refreshing her notifications. “But at some point, all the likes and comments just dried up. It was like no one was seeing my posts, and I was only seeing suggested posts from terrible open mic comedians. So when this ‘error’ occurred, I was really excited. Suddenly, my followers were liking my posts and I was getting all kinds of nice comments on my art. I even sold a couple of pieces in that brief window. But then they ‘fixed’ it, and everything went back to being shit again, making me question why I bother using this fucking garbage app at all anymore.”

UX designer Brandon Bryce says the lack of engagement on Meta’s apps is a feature, not a bug.

“The way Instagram essentially shadowbans the majority of users is intentional,” said Bryce. “Their algorithm is carefully tuned to maximize the time users spend scrolling. Their analysts determined that frustrating the user results in more time spent on the app—and more time viewing ads—than if users are satisfied. Remember in ‘The Matrix’ when The Architect tells Neo that the first virtual world the robots created was a utopia, but the people rejected it? It works sort of like that. The data doesn’t lie: People hate getting what they want.”

At press time, Meta apologized for another recent gaff that resulted in a dramatic decrease in the far-right propaganda which ordinarily fills up Facebook users’ feeds.

10 Ways To Treat Yourself After Nailing a Basic Social Interaction

BY JOHN ADKINS 

BIG CONGRATS. Against literally all odds, YOU, a fully-grown adult, managed to pull off a basic social interaction with a stranger. You didn’t stutter, you didn’t make weird eye contact, hell, you didn’t even say, “you too” when the cashier told you to enjoy your food like you usually do! Instead, you somehow managed to not be a total fucking social disaster.

You nailed the shit out of that brief interaction with a stranger, and you know what, you’re right, you deserve a little reward! Here are ten reasonable ways to treat yourself after CRUSHING the absolute bare minimum!

Take A Nap Without Setting an Alarm

We know you’re ALL about the “15-minute power nap” throws up but this is a celebration, dammit! You deserve to take the kind of nap that makes you lose all sense of space and time. So don’t bother setting that alarm—nap freely!

Buy A Stupidly Expensive Coffee

You know the one. That 7-dollar cold brew with an extra shot, two half pumps of bee pollen and a skinny mascarpone macchiato cold foam. Oh it’s 11 DOLLARS? Who gives a fuck? Not you!

Scroll Endlessly on Socials

We know you’ll probably do this anyway, but you might as well carve out some time (and by “some time” we mean at LEAST four hours) to watch some Reels or Tik-Toks or Snapchats or whatever the fuck the kids are doing these days. LET LOOSE! ROT THAT BRAIN!

Crack Open a Cold One At Your Desk

Who cares if it’s 9am on a Tuesday? Kick back and suck down a couple of brewskis. And be sure to share one with Tina from HR. She’s seems chill!

Eat a Metric Fuck-Ton of Ice Cream

We’re not therapists by any means, but we’re pretty sure that the greatest act of self-compassion is horkin’ down a pint of ice cream. So grab a spoon and get to work! Hell YES the one with all the candy in it, this isn’t amateur hour!

Call Everyone You Know and Try to Win Some Lasting Good Graces From Your Friends

While we fully subscribe to “quit while you’re ahead,” philosophy, there’s the .001 percent chance that you’re on a hot streak. In that case, ya might as well try to call everyone in your life to remind them that you’re capable of having a completely and totally normal interaction. And who knows! They might even think you’re charming!

Skip that Charity Event That You Should Really Go To But Like Also Maybe Don’t Have To

You’ve already blessed a stranger’s day by not being a total social disaster. And in our book, that’s enough charity for the year. FUCK THE ALBINO WHALES!

Start a Mosh Pit at Trader Joe’s

It took a lot of discipline to nail that social interaction, so why not let loose in a grocery store? If they have a problem with it, they shouldn’t have made their employees where those party-time aloha shirts! Let the GROUP CATHARSIS begin!!

Buy 100 Cameos from Henry Winkler

There are two outcomes for this one and they both rock. Option 1: You’ll be blessed with 100 compliments from one of the kindest men on earth. Option 2: He’ll jump to the totally and completely logical conclusion that instead of recording 100 cameos, he can save a lot of time by becoming your best friend. Either way, Henry Winkler will be telling you what a great job you did. And you DID do a great job!

Spend the Rest of Your Day Flushing Your Meds and Doing Whippits

Or week, whatever. Social interactions are normally very hard for you!