Hard Digest June 20: Kendrick, Early Access Male Feminists, Gordon Ramsay, Sigur Ros, and More

Male Feminist Corrects Female Coworker by Insisting She Had “Women’s” Night Out

BY DOUG KOLIC 

VANCOUVER, Wash. – Local office worker and self-proclaimed feminist Bryce Coquet loudly reprimanded a female coworker for having the audacity to mention that she had a “girl’s” night out to celebrate her birthday over the weekend, according to witnesses who can’t stomach being in the same room with him. 

“Trish knows that I’m a staunch feminist, so hearing her blatant misogyny was truly offensive,” stated Coquet, who was wearing a “Let’s Make Herstory” t-shirt. “Referring to it as a ‘girl’s’ night only infantilizes women, and just because Trish happens to be one doesn’t excuse her ignorance. So it was important to make an example out of her in front of her colleagues, superiors, and especially the ninth graders visiting for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Thank God I was here to be a role model for all those little women who had to witness Trish’s disgusting, patriarchal behavior.”

The object of Coquet’s fury, Trish Rossi, described her ongoing frustration with her coworker.

“Bryce’s an unbearable douchebag,” bemoaned Rossi. “He’s been wokefishing ever since the MeToo movement started. All this is just a distraction so nobody realizes how big of a piece of shit he is. But spoiler alert, everyone already knows. Last year he questioned our colleague Yin’s support for her Chinese heritage because she didn’t wear enough red on Lunar New Year’s, and just a few weeks ago he tried to call out a gay coworker after he only listed six letters in the pride acronym not the twenty Bryce insists on using. Pretty sure there’s not that many letters.”

Workplace Communications expert Jason Delonge explained that many companies are struggling to integrate these types of insufferable employees into their cultures.  

“It’s a huge problem right now all across corporate America,” said Delonge. “We’ve seen exponential growth in the number of men pretending to care about various causes like feminism in the workplace so much so that it’s having a negative effect on staff retention. Companies would like to have an inclusive environment where everyone is supported, but time after time guys like this hijack it and make it about themselves, mainly in the hopes of being seen as some kind of white knight, or, more frequently, just trying to get their lame asses laid.”

At press time, Coquet was seen interrupting an Indigenous coworker in the middle of a land acknowledgment because he said they were doing it wrong. 

How to Spice up Your Sex Life by Having Gordon Ramsay Scream at You to Cum Faster

BY KATY MAIOLATESI 

Has your once hot and heavy sex life lost its flavor? Like you’ve gone from an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet to a bowl of plain lettuce? Sure, you knock boots with your partner from time-to-time (if it’s a Saturday and she isn’t feeling bloated), but it’s routine, it’s boring. No need to fear, there is a surefire way to spice things up!

Enter kitchen daddy Gordon Ramsay. He’s a multi-Michelin-starred, internationally-renowned ornery chef, and when he comes into your bedroom and screams at you to cum faster, you’ll say “How high, sir?” Here’s how to make it happen!

Step 1: Slide into Gordon Ramsay’s DMs
You know what you want (Gordon to yell at you to cum during coitus). It’s time to start a relationship with the cantankerous cook. Begin by complimenting an Instagram recipe, and don’t be afraid to be a little sexual about it. Tell him his kebabs look juicy and fulfilling. This will plant the seed for what’s to come.

Step 2: Become Chums With Gordon
Gordon Ramsay is a busy man. He cooks, manages several restaurants, and he’s a television star to boot. Establish a connection by making an appearance at one of his restaurants. When you ask to compliment the chef, make sure to meet Gordon in person. You are one step closer to inviting him into your bedroom so he can do his signature scream.

Step 3: Invite Gordon Over for a Dinner Party and Subtly Incorporate Your Cumming Problem Into the Conversation
Once you establish a relationship with Gordon, impress him with your culinary skills. If something on the menu is a little off, this is a good thing. Gordon will for sure yell at you a little bit about it. Casually mention that sometimes it takes a while for you to get cross-eyed in the sac. Once this is in his head, it sets the stage for the next round: Gordon hollering at you so you and your partner can get your rocks off together.

Step 4: Ask Gordon Over to Scream at You to Cum Faster
You are now ready for the final step in this fucked-up friendship. Invite Gordon Ramsay back to your home so he may wail at you during sex. First cook him a five-course meal to warm him up a bit. After dinner, just start going at it. Gordon Ramsay is now your third, but for shouting purposes. He will call out things like, “You think you’re a cummer? Huh? Show me!” In a moment of raw vulnerability, he may retract a bit. “Listen mate, I’ve been there. I’ve been through this shit, yeah? But you gotta keep it together! We’re here to cum!” You’ll be nutting in no time.

Step 5: Thank Gordon for Saving Your Relationship
Gordon Ramsay has single-handedly saved your sex life by shouting you through it. You should thank him, probably with another five-course meal. A little post-coital sniveling will show reverence as well. Remember, Gordon likes that and it will only help the cause in the long run. Keep him on retainer as a spicy third to come in and howl whenever you’re doing sex bad. Thank you, Gordon Ramsay!

Pitchfork Awards Perfect 10 to Hallmark Whale Noises CD Because They Thought it Was Sigur Rós

BY IAN STEFFÉ

NEW YORK — Pitchfork surprised readers when it awarded a rare perfect 10 score to “Humpback!,” a $28 ambient whale noise CD produced by Hallmark, after mistaking it for a new release by Sigur Rós, multiple sources confirmed.

“Today is a day of huge validation for us at Hallmark,” swooned long-time company spokesman Wolfgang Morrow in between personally sniff-testing a new line of scented candles. “For years we’ve focused on being seen as legitimate, first with our films like ‘Dean Cain’s Super Step-Dad Christmas,’ and now expanding into our music. We were thrilled to get Pitchfork’s attention with ‘Humpback!’ as a capstone to our projects dealing with wolves, wooden flutes, whale noises, rain, flutes and wolves, wolves and whales, rainy wolves, fluted whales, and Brian Eno.”

Despite the mix-up, Jónsi from Sigur Rós seemed flattered about the mistake.

“Many people, when they listen to the Sigur Rós, they think we try to be many thing. Some say that we sound like Böjrk on the nitrous. Other say, the Sigur Rós, we sound like very small Victorian baby ghost trapped in clock. Still other they go, the Sigur Rós sounds like a very hungry fox walking on the piano,” said the Icelandic musician. “And I say no. We always feel like we were in the shadow of the big whale. Very noble and musical beast. We love that. I spent many year dressing and living as whale in the bathtub to learn how to be the Sigur Rós. So our hearts soar to hear about the review.”

Reports initially stated that Pitchfork was embarrassed by the mistake, but they currently seem confident in their position.

“A small clerical error doesn’t change the merit of this project,” sniped Justine Neumann, who wrote the review in question. “It has the wide-eyed sonic introspection regarding the melancholy of a childhood bereft of unmet expectations. These whales coo a vulnerability rarely seen outside of what I would imagine would be the oeuvre of a postmodern Neko Case if she had fins and the burden of motherhood. It is everything and yet not nothing, but maybe less. Past all our characteristic word salad, though, we’re hoping to get bought up by Hallmark so we can be free of our GQ prison, so this might work out in our favor.”

As of press time, Hallmark will be releasing more additions to their whale canon, such as “A Whale’s Tribute to Daniel Johnston,” “Tony Bennett: Aquatic Duets,” and providing the soundtrack to the next Lars von Trier movie.

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Kendrick Lamar Completes Perfect No Hit Run Against Drake

BY MATT FRESH 

LOS ANGELES —Kendrick Lamar made history last night as he successfully completed his perfect no-hit run against Drake while millions of viewers cheered him on.

The 37-year-old took down his opponent with such efficiency that Soulsborne experts are calling it the greatest victory in history. 

“There’s no other way to put it, Kendrick made Drake seem like a basic enemy you use to show off your build,” said Souls Content Creator ‘Maidenless’ Mike Schwartz. “For a lot of people, Drake would pose a tough challenge but Kendrick dog-walked him. The crowd last night was behind him for a reason, whenever anyone can just destroy a boss like it’s not even a challenge it’s a special occasion in the community and a lot of people really dislike Drake so this was extra special.”

Souls Speedrunner Jackson ‘SunBro’ O’Hara broke down Lamar’s run, calling it the most efficient he’s ever seen.

“It really was a thing a beauty. A lot of no-hit runs end because the pressure mounts but he didn’t even break a sweat. Kendrick just came at him with non-stop big hits like ‘Euphoria’, ‘Not Like Us’, and ‘Meet the Grahams’. It was one after another, just wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, Drake could barely even start his attack animations, and when he did none of them hit. It was pure evisceration. By the end of the run last night Kendrick was just toying with him for fun. He even called in a Dr. Dre summon not to use but just to rub it in that he could.”

O’Hara further explained how Kendrick’s emotions helped his run.

“You could tell that Kendrick just held such contempt. Most Soulsborne runs of this kind are done based on courage or hubris but Kendrick really went on this run out of pure hatred and malice and it seems that’s the secret because it was the greatest run of all time. He beat Drake so badly that they might patch him out of the game completely, I mean they might as well, no one will ever take him seriously again.”

At press time, the director of the Soulsborne games Hidetaka Miyazaki has announced he will immortalize Kendrick in the games as Divine Hater Lord Lamar

Top 5 Incredibly Queer Games With Completely Heterosexual Casts

Happy Pride!

BY BEN CHERRY M 

In the year 2024, we’ve been blessed with a huge bloom of diversity in the gaming scene. Openly queer protagonists and casts abound. Beautiful, heartfelt stories being told by those who have lived the experiences they depict. It’s wonderful.

But at the same time, sometimes games meant to be completely heterosexual in nature are the gayest pieces of media ever made playable. It’s like when shows dive so hard into being homophobic that they accidentally present their main male duo as lovers. Life finds a way. No. Gay sex finds a way. 

Trust me, I’ve seen Twitter. 

5. Call Of Duty: Ghosts

Okay. Going to be upfront here; I know less about Call Of Duty than the IDF knows about avoiding civilian casualties. I know this one has space in it, I think. But what I know for sure is that whoever Soap and the eponymous Ghost are, they’re in love and also married. And also they’re both transgender. If the fanart is anything to go off of, that is.

For whatever reason, these two guys I know nothing about apparently have enough in-game chemistry to inspire hundreds of artists to draw them, like, having domestic cutesy morning breakfasts and stuff. Honestly, more power to them. I didn’t even know Call Of Duty HAD characters! Or plot! Or gay people in it! So THAT’s why they added Nicki Minaj!

4. Team Fortress 2

Keeping with the theme of overly-masculine first-person shooters, there are exactly three demographics that play this game. Traders, the most vitriolic people you’ve ever heard, and LGBTs who may or may not also be furries. Unless they’re playing Pyro. Or Medic. Then they’re definitely furries. I would know. I am one.

A furry, that is. What, do you think I W+M1 like some sort of pussy?

Honestly, I’m surprised this isn’t more well-known. You make a game with no plot and some wacky, stereotyped buff middle-aged men (plus one and a half twinks) who have silly back-and-forths and DON’T expect people to draw them in the world’s most foul-smelling polycule? And when they DID decide to give the game an actual plot, the very first thing they did was place two of the most manly ones in a forbidden-love Romeo-and-Juliet breakup plot. Sure, Overwatch has Tracer. But TF2 has a six-foot bisexual wall of muscle named Jane Doe.

3. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers Trilogy

Pokemon has mass appeal. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, its slightly unloved spinoff, has less mass appeal. But these three games in particular? These three are why you instinctively draw bandanas on Pokemon. These three are why Vulpix is your favorite. These three are why you had a weird attraction to Grovyle as a kid. Nobody I know whose favorite games include the Explorers trilogy are heterosexual or cisgender.

If you consider yourself to be, and you just really, really like the Explorers games because, oh, the plot’s really well written, or the visuals are really pretty, or the music is good, replay one after reading this. Don’t bullshit the personality quiz. Choose the opposite gender for your player character. Come back to me after you beat Primal Dialga.

Either you’ll unlock something deep within yourself or you’ll cry over ‘I Don’t Want To Say Goodbye’ again. Win-win! 

…Or you’ll want to fuck Grovyle again. Win-win-lose.

2. ULTRAKILL

Look, we don’t know for sure if anyone is gay or straight. Whatever Gabriel and V1 have going on is some of the most Yaoi shit I’ve seen. A fallen angel and the thing he’s sent to destroy? But hey, sure, whatever, they could be straight dudebros who just wrestle covered in blood, okay. Dubious sexualities aside, though, as far as I’m concerned, this game is for gay people and Vinesauce Vinny. No one else plays it. That’s the sole audience. What other demographic goes as nuts for warped Christian imagery and gory violence as metaphors for intimacy? Fight Club was our jam before dudebros got their mitts all over it. Nobody loves blood and creatures as much as us queers.

I’m not implying Vinny is gay, by the way. He’s an honorary member, like Hozier. Or Gianni Matragrano.

1. Portal 2

You either like Portal 2 for its overall impact on gaming as a whole and its incredibly charming and memorable narrative or you want to hop on those robots and give them the ole pleasure ride nasty-style. Maybe you heard GLaDOS insult you and felt a little something about it. Maybe you remember the wonderful years of 2013 through 2016 when everyone drew Wheatley as a tall blonde twink. Maybe Wheatley was in the list of names you considered when you first came out solely because of that famous fanon depiction. Perhaps you even considered women as a romantic option for the first time because of Ellen McLain’s jaw-dropping vocal performance as GLaDOS. All are possible. Maybe all at once, for some of you.

Honestly, there are worse games to have transgender and or gay awakenings to! Much… much worse games. 

Thanks, Cave Johnson, for turning your personal secretary into the MILFiest robot ever devised by human thought. Sorry about the whole dying-in-pursuit-of-eternal-life thing, though. And all the, uh, other stuff. Happy Pride, though!