Hard Digest June 19: Justin Timberlake, Ted Cruz, Early Access Healthy Eating, The Worst -Phile, Feminist Allies, and More

Justin Timberlake Writes Entire Album About How Long Island Iced Tea Is a Lying Whore

BY SARAH CORTINA

SAG HARBOR, NY — Justin Timberlake announced his next album will be about how the popular alcoholic beverage Long Island Iced Tea is a lying whore in response to is DUI arrest earlier this week, sources confirmed.

“Long Island Iced Tea is not ‘Everything I Thought It Was.’ Did you get that? That’s the album title, and it’s going to revolutionize the music industry and really change your perception of this ‘innocent’ little drink,” Timberlake said while repeatedly refreshing his email for notes from his publicist and from his lawyer. “I thought it was just regular iced tea. I mean, little Miss Americana. I should have known she’d be a deceptive bitch, and if she gives a statement, ignore it. None of this DUI shit is my fault. I should have never left *NSYNC.”

The Long Island Iced Tea provided her side of the story.

“Honestly, Timberlake is lucky that I can give him relevancy. Who remembers any music he’s released since ‘20/20’ in 2013 besides that stupid fucking song from ‘Trolls.’ Not my fault he couldn’t stop the feeling. He’s a piece of shit and he shouldn’t be forgiven for defaming me,” said Miss Tea, who was then promptly slaughtered by the media for ruining his reputation and placed into a conservatorship which was removed only after a Hulu documentary probing into her psyche.

Timberlake’s manager, who wished to remain unnamed, reflected on previous controversies.

“I mean, it used to be so easy. Who cares that he ruined Britney and Janet’s careers? Listen to that falsetto, and the man can move,” said the long-time talent manager. “That should honestly acquit him of everything, including this DUI. Let’s go back to the days when musicians got away with small crimes like this. We can’t crucify the guy for driving drunk on Long Island, hell, 99% of people on Long Island are drving drunk as we speak. This is Mr. SexyBack we’re talking about, and we need to cut him a break.”

At press time, Timberlake was found cornering the Long Island Iced Tea attempting to force her to remake a photo of them wearing Canadian tuxedos while telling her that the AAVE he used in the early 2000s was misinterpreted, and that the abortion was just a light suggestion.

Ted Cruz Uses Frequent Fleeing Texas Storm Miles to Upgrade Flight to Cancún

BY TREVOR GRAHAM 

CANCÚN, Mexico — Junior Texas Senator Ted Cruz used a small portion of his Frequent Fleeing Texas Storm Miles reward points to upgrade from business class to first class on a family trip to Cancún as a tropical storm approaches his state, confirmed airline records.

“These points don’t last forever. I need to use them before they expire 2035,” said the PornHub enthusiast. “I planned this trip months ago, I had no idea a tropical storm would be approaching while I packed, then had my groundskeeper nail plywood over the windows. And I’m taking this trip to serve the American people to get a firsthand look at how these airlines treat their customers. I want to see which wines they serve in first class, and whether or not they will allow my private chef to prepare my in-flight meal for me. The people of Texas are resilient, and I’ll be back in two weeks to help pick up the pieces of any affluent community that needs a helping hand.”

Veteran flight attendant Omar Holland says he wasn’t surprised to see the senator on another flight to the vacation destination.

“Senator Cruz is a frequent guest on these flights. If a ten-day forecast shows temperatures dipping below 55 degrees or a storm with winds higher than 35 miles per hour then you can almost guarantee he’s heading south,” said Holland. “The flight crew can’t stand him, he will make you watch videos of him firing guns for ten minutes at a time. And when you try to say ‘Sir, I have other people I need to check out’ he starts talking about how ‘wokeness is ruining the airline industry.’ We all draw straws and hope we don’t get stuck in first class with him.”

United Airlines representatives were quick to acknowledge the support of Cruz and his family.

“We appreciate the support the Cruz family gives us every time a storm approaches the state of Texas. And thanks to naturally occurring climate cycles, which are not affected by carbon emissions from commercial jets in any way, Texas is seeing more and more superstorms that motivate Senator Cruz to take a relaxing trip to the beach,” said customer service agent Lincoln Menat. “We look forward to welcoming more politicians trying to avoid weather disasters on our flights. Mr. Cruz has almost accrued enough miles to upgrade to platinum status, which would allow him to upgrade a companion to first class as well. Some restrictions apply, the companion must also be a politician that is willing to meet with lobbyists from the airline industry.”

At press time, Senator Cruz was overheard lamenting the amount of Mexicans he’s being forced to interact with while in Mexico.

Health Kick Lasts Record-Breaking Two Meals In A Row

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN 

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local man Seth Beaudreault achieved the longest health kick of any American trying to eat better, breaking the world record with an incredible two healthy meals in a row, astonished sources confirmed.

“Every time I try to eat healthier I usually eat one good meal and then ‘reward’ myself by eating one or two sleeves of Oreos,” said Beaudreault proudly posing for his official Guinness Book of World Records photo. “But this time around I crushed it, I ate two whole meals with something green in them. I even managed to sneak in a healthy grain and I didn’t eat a Family Sized bag of Skittles in between meals. I’ve never felt more refreshed, and I kind of wish everyone else could experience it It’s kind of like being reborn, as if I’ve reached Nirvana and can finally fit into my ‘skinny’ jeans. I’m probably gonna celebrate this win with literally anything from the Arby’s menu. Wash it down with an ice cold chocolate milkshake. Diet starts Monday and only God can judge me.”

Beaudreault ’s pediatrician, Jill Weathers, has been trying to drop him off her patient roster for over a decade without luck.

“Seth has been coming to my office for 12 years now, and he refuses to see a doctor for adults due to trust issues and the lack of fun bandaids,” said Weathers wearily. “However, I’m delighted to hear that he has been eating healthy. I’ve only known him to survive on things like Top Ramen and Taco Bell, so this is truly a feat. Especially after they introduced that new Cheez-It Crunchwrap Supreme. I’ve been worried about his digestive health, so this development gives me hope that Seth will want to make a lasting lifestyle change. Two days in a row is an eternity for a man like Seth—you know, the kind of guy that thinks Panera Bread is the epitome of clean eating.”

Tiktok-famous nutritionist Ben “Ate and Left No Crumbs” Triste says he’s worried that Beaudreault ’s world record may be encouraging others to jump on fad diets.

“This ‘health kick’ is really concerning to me when we’re already watching every celebrity and their grandma get on Ozempic—that commercial jingle will haunt me into eternity,” said Triste as his eyes rolled back into his head. “I mean good for this Seth guy, but honestly I can’t take another health-related fad. Gwyneth has given us enough yoni realness and insane wellness advice for two lifetimes, we don’t need to add a two-day health kick to the mix. When people make real life changes like cooking more, consuming less sugar, and drinking more than one glass of water a day, that’s when they see a real change. But I mean, go off, king! Eat! Literally.”

At press time, Beaudreault says he might hold off on attempting another health kick until next month, or until someone invents churro-flavored vegetables.

Feminist Ally? This Man Wants a Woman To Beat Him Up

BY SARA BOŽIN 

Meet Kevin Buchanan, a self-identifying feminist ally who also holds the record for the most hours that someone has ever spent watching Tik Toks of “muscle mommies”.

“I have nothing but respect for strong women,” said Buchanan proudly. “I always make sure I lead with that whenever I slide into random women’s DMs and ask them to pick me up by the ankles and shake me like a cartoon mafia hitman…I’m sorry, I mean hit-woman.”

Buchanan does not mince words when acknowledging his gender’s culpability in maintaining a status quo that is unfair to women.

“If you ask me, we as men have been naughty. Very naughty. Someone ought to come teach us a lesson and give me, I mean us, a spanking while talking down to us like the filthy, pathetic little worms we are. And step on me.”

We also spoke with Nadia Alvarez, a fitness enthusiast who frequently interacts with Buchanan at the gym.

“On a good day, Kevin is on the right path to figuring out what feminism is about. But I feel like his weird fetish gets in the way of that,” explained Alvarez. “He’ll see me at the squat rack, and he’ll come over to chat. He usually starts off with something well-intended, like ‘Whoa, one-fifty? What a girlboss!’ But then the conversation somehow always ends with him asking me to pick him up and spin him over my head like a pizza while saying ‘mama mia!’ in a lusty Italian accent.”

Recently, Buchanan has taken his work as an activist a step further by writing strongly worded letters to elected officials regarding women’s rights.

“It’s certainly possible for men to be great allies to women. And we have to hand it to Mr. Buchanan, it was one of the most passionate letters we’ve received,” stated Senator Phyllis Steele. “But he scrawled something near the bottom about how women should also have the right to ‘dress him up as a piñata and hit him with a stick’, and then followed it with ‘lol, just kidding…unless?’ He also included a drawing, so that was…something.”

Kevin is currently in the process of getting ready for upcoming women’s rights protests. He’s been preparing a protest sign that says “Step On The Patriarchy! (Me, I’m The Patriarchy!)”

Audiophiles and Cinephiles Compete for Title of Worst -phile

BY CHARLES BILL 

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — A group of audiophiles and cinephiles met this week to compete against each other for the title of worst -phile, confirmed sources who didn’t know why.

“It’s got to be me,” said insufferable audiophile Alex Tate while listening to the “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” record for the eighth time today. “When my friends listen to music on Spotify, I tell them that they might as well be piping fart sounds into their ears. They just want to enjoy their tunes, but I just can’t help myself and have to tell them about the warmness of vinyl and the exact right speakers. Can humans even detect the difference? No, not really. Only dogs can. But hey, I just can’t help myself. Music was meant to be heard from a six-foot gramophone that you have to manually crank. Turns out, people hate it when you say that.”

Although the audiophiles made excellent points, the cinephiles were not to be outdone, responding after a screening of “8 ½.”

“I’d much rather hang out with an audiophile than me,” said pretentious cinephile Donald Corleone. “You can’t say two words without me telling you how they relate to a movie. See an actor in a show? I’ll tell you all the bit parts he played in movies. It’s the only way I know how to relate to people. Hell, once a friend of mine recommended ‘Bullet Train’ to me, and I spent two hours explaining that film should be impactful and emotional, and if you enjoy it, you’re doing it wrong. The amount of people I’ve recommended ‘Come and See’ to alone should put me over the top for the worst -phile.”

Surprisingly, a third -phile group threw their hat in the ring to attack both groups.

“At least when I have to go door to door to tell people I’m a registered sex offender I don’t fuck with people’s enjoyment of Apple Music or ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop,’” said local NAMBLA chapter head Desmond Yike. “Sure, what I do is inarguably reprehensible and illegal, but I’m not constantly blasting Rush in my listening room. I think society would agree that we are much more tolerable than people who pay money to subscribe to the Criterion collection.”

At press time, the three groups of -philes all agreed that the world would be better off if they didn’t share their interests with anyone anymore.

Top 5 Products That Sponsored Every YouTuber for 3 Months Before Disappearing off the Face of the Earth

BY RIDLEY JORDAN 

Much like life itself, YouTuber sponsorships are fleeting. Just blink once and you’ll miss it. When you least expect it, they have already moved on to whatever VPN or meal kit will pay the most. While they may want you to think that every sponsorship is a product that they personally use and matches their core values, it’s hard to believe that when every YouTuber is sponsored by the same product. There’s always a product that you’ve never heard of that appears out of nowhere to fund the content of every YouTuber you’ve ever watched and just as quickly as they appear, they dissolve into the night. So since nostalgia pays so well, let us take a trip down memory lane and go through our favorite products that you could not get away from for months, despite nobody you know actually owning one.

5. Manscaped

Up first we have the company that made your favorite YouTuber read off way too many cringey puns about pubic hair. You would think you accidentally clicked onto Home Depot’s website with how they confusingly name their products, with their flagship being “The Lawn Mower.” Though to be fair, an actual lawn mower would probably shave your balls just as well, if not better.

4. Loot Crate

Since everything is a subscription now, of course there is a subscription for gaming and pop culture merch. Lootcrate started when its founder, Wes Hartman, had an epiphany: “You know loot boxes? Everyone’s least favorite feature of every game? What if we did that in real life?” The company saw success until it filed for bankruptcy in 2019 after its subscribers ran out of space for more stuff.

3. Raycon

They are cheap earbuds for the price of premium earbuds. For a while, you’d be hard-pressed to find a single YouTube video that didn’t have a 2-minute insert of the YouTuber putting in their RayCons while explaining how much they love them more than any other earbuds. We were supposed to believe that these things were the cream of the crop despite looking like earbuds you’d see on the counter in the checkout line of a store that doesn’t even sell electronics. These kinds of earbuds are a dime a dozen now, so this isn’t really that unexpected.

2. Air Up

Do you wish your water smelled like artificial flavor? Me neither, but for some reason now it can. Air Up is a water bottle that uses “scent-based flavor” to add flavor to plain water. Just add one of their scent pods onto the top of the bottle and supposedly your brain will be tricked into thinking you are drinking flavored water. There really is a market for anything. Shockingly there’s no “Hot Girl Bath Water” flavor which is very surprising given the demographic. 

1. Established Titles

To finish off, we have somehow the only thing on this list that is an actual scam. This company’s business was selling titles to a 1 square foot plot of land in Scotland, since owning any amount of land in Scotland makes you a “lord” (according to them). This company made a killing off of tricking customers and the YouTubers they were paying for advertisements into thinking they were actually buying land when in reality it was not possible to sell such small plots of land in Scotland. All YouTubers who were advertising for this company cut ties after it was revealed that their customers were being misled, and their website now refers to these fake titles as gag gifts. 

The funniest part is that they’re not even based in Scotland. They’re based in Hong Kong.