Hard Digest June 14: X, Early Access Firefighters, Grave Digger, The Green Mile, Local Pizza, and More

Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes Private

BY ERIC SCHWARTZ 

WASHINGTON — Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple sources reported.

“This is a huge win for privacy rights,” said Senator Lindsey Graham, unconvincingly. “With this decision, Elon Musk is showing the world that the posts people like in the privacy of their own home is no one’s business. Personally, this change doesn’t affect me at all. I’ll just continue liking posts about war and such. I hope this decision inspires other tech leaders to follow suit with similar policies, like making sure that private browsing searches can never be uncovered.”

Meanwhile, other notable members of the GOP expressed trepidation with Musk’s decision.

“While I understand the privacy concerns, I’m worried that Mr. Musk hasn’t considered some of the negative effects that come with hiding likes,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “For instance, monitoring my 18-year-old son’s porn habits will be considerably more difficult now. I used to be able to simply look in his likes to see if he so much enjoyed a photo of a woman’s uncovered shoulders, but now I’ll have to continue to use the deeply creepy app I’ve installed on both our phones to do so.”

The tech billionaire and X CEO explained his rationale for the change, noting how it will help maintain the privacy of his allies in elected positions and protect them from attacks on their character.

“When it comes down to it, no one needs to see the images and videos that our elected officials are liking on their personal and professional accounts,” said Musk. “This policy will help our politicians keep their private lives private and protect them from defamatory attacks by the ‘tolerant’ left about their kinks and fetishes. It should also be noted that this change has nothing to do with those hentai photos I accidentally liked. It’s crazy that anyone would even suggest that.”

As of press time, Senator Tim Scott commented that he can “like even more of the posts that turn me on, like photos of women and boobs.”

Firefighter Won’t Leave Firetruck to Battle Inferno Until Song Ends

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

MILWAUKEE — Local firefighters are struggling to reign in an out-of-control five-alarm warehouse blaze, partially due to equipment operator Eddie Daniels refusing to leave the truck until his favorite song ends, onlookers have reported.

“First of all, this warehouse is old and ugly so I don’t know why everyone is getting so upset. And secondly, this is Metallica’s ‘One’ we’re talking about and there’s no way I’m leaving the truck this early in the song,” said Daniels. “The crew can bang on the door all they want, I’m not putting on my oxygen tank until the ‘darkness imprisoning me’ part. Plus the flames are really making the lyrics land ten times harder. They know damn well this is my ritual, so find someone else to hook up the hose.”

Daniels’ crew captain was quickly running out of patience as the fire began to spread.

“In the name of all that is holy, this fire is going to engulf a whole city block unless we get it under control and this idiot is headbanging in the cab until he’s ‘in the zone’ or whatever. If his love of radio-friendly metal matched his passion for doing his goddamn job he’d be my boss by now,” said Cpt. Bill McCullough. “I should’ve known he was going to be on his bullshit when the music was louder than the sirens on route to the scene. By the time the song ends, half the neighborhood is going to be cinders.”

911 dispatches noted that many emergencies are exacerbated by distracted first responders.

“Metalheads and jam band lovers are the last responders that I want on scene mostly because they’re more concerned with getting pumped up to handle the situation than actually doing something. Half the time I’m switching back and forth between trying to calm down the caller and convincing cops on scene to wrap up their Pantera karaoke,” said dispatcher Katie White. “Just last week a school bus was teetering over the edge of the Sixth Street Bridge and those kids were barely saved in time because the whole fire rescue team were locked into King Gizzard’s ‘Nonagon Infinity’ on repeat. They don’t pay me enough to deal with this shit.”

As of press time, six people had died by the time Daniels finally exited the firetruck only to start using the hose to play air guitar until the song ended.

Why Am I Saving for Retirement When There’s All This Badass Grave Digger Merch Here Right Now?

BY YANCY LEE CRAWFORD 

Iused to set aside fifteen percent of my paycheck for IRAs, savings accounts, and other get-rich-slow schemes. But why am I saving money for my life in the future when I should be spending money on important things, like incredibly sick Grave Digger gear that would make me the envy of everyone in my mandatory anger management meetings?

Besides getting spanked by Mrs. Claus, early retirement was my second wettest dream, but my golden years are too far away. Fuck it. I don’t care if I die early, as long as I’m buried in a Gold Digger-branded coffin that gets crushed by my favorite monster truck in front of my entire family. You can’t put a price on that. It’s a much better use for the money I was saving to buy a condo in Florida. The beaches are full of sharks and perverts, anyway.

I’m willing to work overtime until I’m 76 as long as I get to wear this officially licensed Monster Jam driving jacket to the office every day. I think I’m gonna blow it out and get the driving gloves, too. My 2013 Honda Accord has low mileage and top-of-the-line safety features, but there’s a mini-Digger yearning to be more than a fiscally responsible beige flag.

And with the power of my new monster truck merchandise, I will fill my suburban streets with badass wheelies synchronized to George Thorogood. Right now, I have no idea how to do that, but as soon as I figure out how to turn a four-door sedan with years worth of scentless pine tree air fresheners into an unholy visage that defiles Judeo-Christian sensibilities, I’ll learn how to do some badass wheelies. I’ll find another George Thorogood song, too because “Bad To the Bone” is Grave Digger’s thing and I don’t want to cross my hero.

The best part about this authentic driving helmet with built-in goggles that I’m also gonna buy is that there were only 650,000 of these made. In ten years, it’ll be a collector’s item! I’m pretty sure I’m also gonna get a year’s supply of this multi-ply Monster Jam toilet paper because it’s a shockingly good deal for bathroom supplies being sold next to an escalator in an NFL stadium. If they sold dick supplies and vegetables, I’d never shop at Hims or the grocery store again!

For all I know, I could die tomorrow, and I’m not willing to live another day without the greatest collection of Grave Digger merchandise imaginable. From now on, I’m scaling down retirement savings and scaling up Monster Energy Drink consumption and die-cast remote-controlled Grave Diggers. I’ll kiss being a young snowbird goodbye because I’ll never live long enough to care.

Texas to Celebrate 25th Anniversary of “The Green Mile” by Executing 25 Innocent People

BY DREW GIGIS 

AUSTIN, Texas — Government officials in Texas announced their state will pay homage to the iconic film “The Green Mile” on the 25th anniversary of its release by executing 25 completely innocent people, deranged sources confirmed.

“Texas has a rich history of putting innocent people to death, 16 that have been proven in court, and a few of those innocent people weren’t even mentally competent enough to understand what was happening. We are proud of that,” commented Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “We’ve had many citizens contact our office asking why it’s been so long since an innocent person has been murdered by the state. Unfortunately, blaming left-wing communists isn’t cutting it anymore. That’s why we are holding this event, to honor one of the greatest films ever created and satisfy the bloodlust of our insane communities.”

Although there have been some mixed reviews on the ceremony, the response has been mostly positive especially from convicted serial killer Richard Katowski, also known as, “The Giggling Grandma of Galveston.”

“Ah yeah, the nickname tends to confuse people. I used to dress up as an old woman to give people a false sense of security and then I’d tell them jokes the whole time I was torturing them. I’m a big ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ fan,” explained Katowski without blinking. “I’m excited for the celebration, any time an innocent person is killed I get rock hard, I’m talking forged steel, you could use this thing as an anvil if you wanted. Plus, I was scheduled to die next month but it got delayed because they needed all the pentobarbital for the fest, and since I’m guilty as hell so I’m ineligible for it.”

The celebration will be kicked off by “Green Mile” actor Tom Hanks who seemed to not understand what was happening.

“I’m honored to open the ceremony. I am enormously proud to have been a part of that film that has such a great legacy here in Texas,” said Hanks. “People think I’m such a nice guy, but I enjoy watching the life drain out of a person’s eyes as much as the next guy. I can’t wait to see the electric chair in real life, I want to be the person who pushes the buttons that inject the deadly cocktail into the veins of an innocent person while their mother cries behind soundproof glass. It’s why I got into acting.

At press time, Governor Abbott remarked that while Texas is elated for the celebration, it pales in comparison to what they have planned for the anniversary of “American History X.”

As the Owner of Your Small Town’s Only Pizza Place, I Pride Myself On Making the Shittiest Pizza Possible

BY DAN KOZUH 

In a world full of gourmet options and high culinary standards, I, Tony DeMarco of Tony’s Pizzeria in the middle of nowhere Indiana, take great pride in offering something completely underwhelming. As the owner of the only pizza place in our quaint little town, I have made it my mission to serve up the worst pizza you’ve ever had. Some might call it a lack of ambition, others call it laziness, but I call it a commitment to mediocrity. I don’t even care that I have only a single star on Google, because I’m the only result and all the shit suckers in this town will just have to deal with it.

Let’s face it, not every town needs a wood-fired, hand-tossed, organic, artisanal pizza joint. What our town needs is something reliable, predictable, and entirely forgettable. That’s where my pizza comes in. My crusts are a perfect homage to cardboard, and my sauce is a masterpiece of metallic tomatoes and excessive salt that leaves your mouth feeling like you licked a car battery while scuba diving in the ocean. Toppings? Who needs fresh ingredients when you’ve got a freezer full of questionable meats and rubbery vegetables?

Some may wonder how I can stay in business with such a disdain for quality. The answer is simple: I’m the only game in town. When you have a monopoly, you can afford to be terrible. My secret sauce isn’t just the watery tomato paste I slather on my pies; it’s the fact that my customers have no other choice. You can’t get this kind of culinary tyranny just anywhere, you know. What are you going to do? Make your own pizza at home?! Tell that to the rusted outdoor pizza oven you got three years ago and only used once.

I see the look of resignation on the faces of my patrons as they bite into a slice of my cold, soggy, greasy pizza. It’s a look that says, “I wish I could eat somewhere else, but Tony’s is all we’ve got.” And there’s a certain joy in that for me. I am your culinary dictator and you suffer under my undercooked wrath. You may not love my pizza, but you need it: sleepovers, office parties, too tired to cook… I am your only option and I get off on knowing that, also I’m going to start closing at 4 p.m. from now on, and I won’t be open for lunch either.

In a world obsessed with excellence and high standards, I find solace in my corner of culinary crap. So, to all the foodies and critics out there, I say this: come to Tony’s Pizzeria and experience the joy of having no expectations met. It’s not just a meal; it’s a reminder that sometimes, in the grand tapestry of life, you are going to have to settle for less.

Bon appétit, or whatever.

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We Went Undercover at Microsoft but Got Laid Off Before We Could Learn Anything

BY TRAYE HOLLAND 

REDMOND, Wash. — Video game studios are dying left and right and Microsoft is the Grim Reaper, wielding closure announcements and layoffs like the two blades of a jagged scythe. We went undercover at Microsoft to find out how they came to these decisions but things worked out a little differently.

Arkane Austin, Tango Gameworks, Alpha Dog Games; these names should be etched on tombstones and erected in a field alongside Lionhead Studios, Ensemble Studios, Press Play, and all the other fallen studios that couldn’t survive being owned by Microsoft. With multiple studio closures, 1900 employees laid off, and more of both looming on the horizon, many gamers and game studio employees have been left in fear of the future, and rightfully so.

You don’t need Batman Arkham detective vision to see that something is clearly amiss at Microsoft. However, as journalists, it is our sworn duty to uncover the real dirt beneath the turf of lies, no matter how dirty our hands get. So we decided to get to the bottom of it. With our sacred objective in our minds and Baja Blast in our bellies, we hashed out a plan to infiltrate Microsoft posing as employees to get a firsthand look at their nefarious business practices. 

We couldn’t expect to just waltz into Microsoft and have them hand us their secrets on a silver platter. As gaming journalists, we would have been accosted by executives giving us the same corpo-speak tidbits we already got from Geoff Keighley. True investigative work would have been impossible. So we took inspiration from the classic film The Master of Disguise, which has played in a loop in the break room at our office ever since the DVD got stuck in the player.

Getting into the Microsoft office was surprisingly easy. The security must have also been laid off. There were plenty of parking spaces to choose from. Someone just let us in and then we took some empty cubicles, of which there was an abundance of, and acted like we worked there.

Our plan was cut short, however. Just as soon as we sat down in our cubicles there was a cacophony of groans and sobbing echoing throughout the building. All the employees began making their way out of the office. Another mass email had been sent announcing more layoffs, and our entire division was on the chopping block. A heavy chain and padlock were placed on the door behind us.

Unfortunately,  all we gained from our investigation was grief and empty pockets. In that way, we can relate to the laid-off Microsoft employees, who have been cast out into the cold, dark world all for the sake of Microsoft’s bottom line. The gaming industry is full of talented and passionate people. It is our misfortune as premium gaming journalists to witness these talented and passionate people ground under the wheels of big business. 

Also, if anyone is in the market for an eyepatch and some dollar store fake mustaches, I am looking to sell mine. I spent way more on my disguise than I should and I’m worried about rent.

Mac Gamer Excited for Whatever Game Comes Out This Year

BY BRETT MCCABE 

Duluth, Minn. — Mac gamer Juno Perry, one of the few Apple loyalist gamers in the world is looking forward to the game that will be released this year, whatever it may be.

Perry discussed her hype in a recent IRL Twitch stream from her local Apple Store.

“Whatever it’s going to be, I’ll pre-order it. Ha. I don’t even care. It’s like, give me that game, you know,” laughed Perry, nervously. “Like, I got to have it. The puzzles in Myst aren’t as exciting after the fifth time around.”

Perry only plays games on Mac, giving her a ton of free time to argue with strangers online while waiting for the next release. She has so far refused attempts to get her to game on other systems.

“She only plays on Mac so most of the time she’s just arguing with people online about games she hasn’t played,” said Perry’s boyfriend Gary Flint. “I offered to get her a Nintendo but she says consoles are not real gaming. I even offered to build her a PC but that ended up being the worst fight we ever had. I still have the scar from the LED Live Laugh Game sign she threw at me.”

Perry spent the latter half of her stream reading through a list of upcoming games hoping to find the one coming to Mac. This segment consisted of an hour and a half of Perry half-heartedly reading game titles before finally perking up with excitement at a potential game.

“Whoa! Hold the phone!” Perry announced, upon discovery. “Bungie announced a reboot of Marathon for PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X and Series S, and PC…. and that’s it, huh? Well, hey, I see Control might be coming out this year. That will be cool!”

At press time, Perry has not yet realized that her computer is used for working with Google Workspace, and doesn’t reach the specs required by the upcoming game.