Hard Digest June 10: Early Access Door Guy, Waiters, Taco Tuesday, and More

Bummer: Entire Show Cancelled After Door Guy Loses Marker

BY CHRIS BOWEN

SEATTLE — A recent punk show at High Dive was canceled last-minute after door guy Morgan Dieter lost his one and only marker, sources confirmed.

“Without an inking implement, I am unable to do my job of making a little mark on everyone’s right hand so they can leave for a cigarette and come back,” said Dieter. “The only other writing tool we had at the venue was a No. 2 pencil. The last time I used one of those at the door, several attendees had to be rushed to the hospital due to severe blood loss. Turns out, you have to really jam a pencil into the flesh to get it to write an ‘X’ on a hand, and I’m told that graphite shouldn’t really be in your bloodstream. That’s why I make sure to never ever lose my trusty marker nowadays. Except for today. And last week. Also, five or six times last month. They really need to make bigger markers that are more difficult to lose. That would solve everything.”

Showgoers were noticeably upset at the cancelation but were understanding of the situation.

“There I was, standing in line, watching a grown man search every pocket and pat every area of his clothing, only to call off the show after searching for a mere two minutes,” said attendee Leigh Harrison. “I’m shocked they couldn’t just run out to Target to buy a new one. I heard that it wasn’t in the venue’s budget though, so they had to cancel the whole show. I completely understand. I don’t even know how much a marker costs. Like 100 bucks, right? That would financially ruin anyone.”

Experts claim they have seen similar instances at live music events.

“If just one element of a show is missing, the entire operation needs to be shut down,” said music critic Wes Thompkins. “One venue had to cancel a show because they forgot to order bright green wristbands. Another had to prematurely end a 21+ concert because one person had an out-of-state license and the door guy said checking those was not in the job description, so he quit right then and there. And more recently, a venue forgot to actually book the band that they advertised to play that night. It’s these little things that can close down an entire show.”

At press time, Dieter had found the marker the next day, but the venue had to cancel the show yet again because it unexpectedly ran out of ink.

Heartbreaking: This Waiter Repeated What You Just Ordered With Correct Pronunciation in Front of All Your Coworkers

BY ERIC DEGLIOMINI 

Time to update the ol’ resume! An otherwise enjoyable work lunch has been brought to a halt after a waiter making minimum wage plus tips repeated your order back with what is obvious to everyone is the correct pronunciation of the dish.

Yikes!

Jamie from marketing who got caught getting stoned last Friday afternoon was the office pariah walking into this two-dollar sign price-ranged Italian restaurant, and you found a way to sink below him. If you thought the mental scars from getting too drunk in front of the co-worker you have a crush on were bad, you’ll be having night terrors about this for the rest of your life!

The office intern ordered the same thing right after you and even though he would have made the same mistake, he’s now your de facto superior. Paige from accounting thought you were a decent guy, but the second she heard you pronounce Creste Al Forno as “Cre-Sa-te-Ale-for-ri-no,” she wanted to hit you with just enough force to dislocate your jaw in front of your boss.

Speaking of your boss, not only did he start texting HR to immediately begin processing your termination, but also reached out to your parents through your listed emergency contact to let them know what a dipshit they raised. Instead of coming to your defense, they’re now arguing with each other over which one is to blame for their kid turning out to be such a fucking dumbass. Get ready to have two Christmases because you flunked Italian.

“This is a new low for anyone in the office, and I once discreetly had diarrhea during a client presentation” the only co-worker you are hotter than was overheard saying after you went to the bathroom to hyperventilate. “I feel bad, that could have easily been me. Last week when we went to that Mexican place, I didn’t realize Ceviche wasn’t pronounced “see Vicky.” The only reason I got away with it was because they make you order your under-portioned $15 lunch on iPads there.”

The staff is bringing out a cake with sparkler candles while clapping along to Happy Birthday, and yet everyone at the restaurant continues to look at you. You should just walk out the door at this point while feigning an illness no one believes before the staff physically throws you out you fucking cultureless Neanderthal.

Taco Tuesday Downgraded to Sucking on Mild Packets Found Between Car Seats

BY ROBERT JOHN SCUCCI 

MILWAUKEE — Local resident Stephen Calagna found a new and incredibly sad way to take part in Taco Night by slurping his way through the stockpile of expired sauce packets found between his car seats, sources with vinegar coming out of their pores confirmed last Tuesday.

“During the ‘before times,’ $15 got you a suicidal amount of Taco Bell. But these days, you’re lucky if you can get a Crunchwrap combo and a large Baja Blast,” stated a pale and malnourished Calagna as he grabbed a small piece of stuffing from under the torn upholstery of his passenger seat and crammed it into his mouth. “As long as you add some texture to the equation, it’s almost like the real thing! It may not be a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, but who can afford cheese nowadays?”

Sarah Mitchell, an underpaid night-shift employee, turned a blind eye to Calagna’s acts of impropriety.

“At the end of the day, I don’t get paid enough to run the kitchen and also worry about loss prevention,” said Mitchell as she turned off the grills at 9 p.m. even though her store doesn’t close until two in the morning. “If somebody comes in, asks for a water cup, and proceeds to load their cargo pockets with as many packets of Mild, Fire, and Diablo Sauce as humanly possible, it’s reasonable to assume they’re not doing great. Just like any single mother you see stealing overpriced baby formula from Target— you didn’t see it, and it’s none of your business.”

Yum! Brands CEO David Gibbs, completely unaware of the economic distress that his former core clientele is experiencing, is thrilled by Calagna’s innovative and resourceful approach to enjoying Taco Tuesday.

“It just warms my heart to know that the working-class everyman can still make do with their limited resources to celebrate the weekly tradition of Taco Tuesday, despite the fact that we no longer care about value,” Gibbs gushed while slowly lowering himself into a bathtub full of guacamole that’s sold at an $.80 upcharge per two ounces. “Sure, it’s true that Taco Bell almost exclusively caters to drunken tech bros driving Lambos, but as long as they don’t crash through the store front, our bottom line will continue to please shareholders.”

At press time, Calagna was spotted chewing on coffee grounds from a Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster for a quick pick-me-up.

More From The Hard Times:

“Euphoria” Cast Members Ranked by How Likely They Are to Celebrate Their Birthday Week

Court Awards Custody to Whichever Episode of Bluey on at Moment

BY SEAN FALLON 

San Francisco – A divorce court in California has reportedly awarded custody of Mikey Pritchett not to either of his divorcing parents, but to whatever episode of Bluey is on at that moment.

“It was definitely a shock,” said divorce lawyer Colby Bryant. “Sometimes custody will go to a grandparent or other guardian, but I’ve never seen an Australian TV show be given full custody of a child before. Sesame Street has guardianship of a bunch of kids but they’re usually the orphans they buy and turn into muppets.”

The judge in the Pritchett case gave custody to whichever episode was airing at that moment, a move celebrated by child psychologists.

“Bluey addresses a wide range of topics,” said Dr. Rose Alpaca, a lecturer on child development at UC Berkeley. “There are episodes about sharing, self-confidence, and standing up for yourself, which are good for a child. There are also episodes about PTSD, infertility, and our powerlessness in the face of death, which usually leave parents in a puddle of tears while their child dances around to the episode’s end credits song. All we’ve found with kids who have been co-parented by Peppa Pig is that they start oinking and fat shaming their fathers.”

As of press time Luke Pritchett, Mikey’s father, welcomed the decision as he had already made peace with never being as good a father as Bandit Heeler.

We Visited a Pennsylvania State Penitentiary to Meet the One Woman Who Attended ECW One Night Stand 2005

BY ALEX AHO 

ECW’s One Night Stand reunion show is one of the most memorable wrestling events in recent decades. 2500 of the outlaw promotion’s legendary rabid fans, almost exclusively young-to-middle-aged men, filled the Hammerstein Ballroom to watch chaotic matches involving steel chairs, cheese graters, and flaming tables one more time. One of those rabid fans shouting profane chants at Eric Bischoff and catching splashes of beer and blood from The Sandman and Tommy Dreamer was Barbara “Barf” Laitenin, who broke the mold as the only woman to attend. We visited Laitenin in her current residence at the Cambridge Springs State Correctional Institution to hear her perspective on the historic pay-per-view.

Hard Drive: Thanks so much for taking the time to chat with us, Barbara!

No one’s called me “Barbara” since I was a kid. Call me “Barf.”

HD: Ok, Barf, what was the energy like that night? It must have been electric.

It was off the fuckin’ chain, dude! I was as hyped as the time I saw Terry Funk brand Cactus Jack and got grounded when I tried to do it to my little brother. Rad shit, man.

HD: What was your favorite match?

I’m not gonna lie; I butt-chugged some beer in the parking lot and butt-snorted some coke in the bathroom so my memory of it is hazy, but it’s gotta be the last one when everyone came out.

HD: You were in the minority being the only female attendee there. Did you ever feel out of place as a wrestling fan among that crowd?

Are you calling me a pussy? I ain’t a pussy! Watch me chew this phone cord in half!

HD: No, no, no—we know you’re tough, Barf. But did you ever feel like you had to prove yourself among your wrestling friends more than others?

You know, those crazy bastards are my people, but I will say, whenever my guy friends jumped through tables at parties, they were never impressed when I joined in until I started setting the tables on fire first. One of the times I did it, I accidentally burned my buddy’s house down.

HD: Is that how you ended up in here?

Nah, just probation on that one. This time around was when I tried to rob a gas station. I had a whole escape plan and everything, but I got nervous in the middle of it, so I psyched myself up by bashing my own head with a beer like the Sandman and accidentally knocked myself out. Woke up in a Philly PD cruiser.

HD: Do you think some parts of the show haven’t aged the best? The crowd chanted some pretty disparaging things about Lita and Dawn Marie.

Dawn Marie! That crack whore! Why? What did they say about her?

HD: Uh, never mind. Any other thoughts about the show you want to add?

Yeah! Fuck JBL!