thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 9: Early Access Free Climbing, They Might Be Giants, Envy, and More

Added 2024-06-10 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Punk Attempting to Free Climb 6’4” Man Blocking His View of Stage

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Mike McCutchen is attempting to free solo an imposing 6’4” man blocking the view of the stage during a show at The Fine Line, nervous onlookers have reported.

“Some people think I have a death wish, but I’ve had my eyes on the peak of this jackass since he planted himself in front of me during the opener. I knew the only way I was going to make it to the pit would be to kill my beer, tighten up my boots, and get climbing,” said McCutchen, clinging to the towering man’s hips. “He’s a bit bigger than the bouncers and cops I’ve vaulted over in the past, but at this pace I should be at the summit just before the headliner, and then I’ll punch this guy in the back of the fucking head.”

Onlookers couldn’t pay attention to the show out of fear and awe of McCutchen’s climb.

“Mike is fucking crazy! Even he must realize nobody has ever attempted to scale this dude. This guy is a straight six-foot, four-inch sheer drop who just plants himself near the front like an asshole and we all just have to watch bands in his shadow. Mike must be running on pure willpower and liquid courage,” said scene veteran Eric Wray. “Everyone’s buttcheeks have been clenched this entire time. It would be a symbolic victory for all of us, but free soloing a guy this tall without equipment? I guess if he dies, he’ll die a legend.”

Bouldering experts said that what McCutchen was attempting was extremely dangerous but not impossible.

“Punk mountaineering is far from easy, but trying to free solo it makes the likelihood of survival drop significantly. We all remember Bill ‘Scabies’ Johnson’s tragic fall from Joey Ramone’s shoulders at the Richard Hell show in ‘82. They had to peel him off the floor,” said Clive Calloway. “If Mike wants to make it back alive, he has to get a good hold on the pins and patches of this behemoth’s battle jacket and pray there’s enough dirt on it for some good footing. One can only hope Mike did the recommended amount of whippets in order to keep going.”

Later, McCutchen was dealt a demoralizing blow after he thought he’d reached the top and saw he still had to climb the man’s liberty spikes.

By Day We’re Just The Faculty For A Community College History Department. But By Night We’re The Best They Might Be Giants Tribute Band In The Tri-State Area

BY JAMES KNAPP

Okay class, may I have your attention for a moment? We know that there are some rumors going around about the school’s faculty and we like to confirm at this present time that, yes, they are all true. That’s right, class. Though you will mostly only see us as your humble and handsome educators, we, this community college history department, are collectively known as Constantinople (Not Istanbul) – the preeminent They Might Be Giants tribute band in the area.

We aren’t entirely sure how word got out about this undeniably hip side project of ours as we all use rock and roll pseudonyms to play under. You kids all know “Dr. Worm” right? Well instead on drums for us we have “Dr. Weevil” – specifically Dr. Thaddeus Kinsey Weevil who heads the department’s medieval cartography curriculum.

They Might Be Giants have played a large role in our academic work. In fact we’ve quoted lyrics from their songs in several research papers which every scholarly journal and Rolling Stone have refused to publish.

I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that you kids found out. You’ve sure got yourself in on everything that’s “slaps” and “rizz” these days. And what’s really more “gagged” than songs about James K. Polk, mammalian biology, or the various Mesopotamian rulers? Yes, it would only be a matter of time before you all found us out.

But don’t think that just because you all now know that we’re secretly an educational alterna-rock cover band on the side doesn’t mean things are going to be any different in the classroom. We keep our professional and our hardcore personal lives separate, and we will not be grading on a curve. We’re still the boss of you.

That being said, if anyone wants to come to our next show at the Whittleman Science Center Imax theater stage we have plenty of tickets still available. Tickets are half off to anyone who brings a used textbook to donate to Little Free Library.

Guy Envious of Coworker Too Stupid to Have His Soul Crushed By Company

BY CHRIS BOWEN

AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — George Quinn, an account manager at the Babaco insurance company, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a coworker who is simply too stupid to have every ounce of happiness in his life crushed by their employer, several grouchy sources report.

“Every day I come to work, I watch Chaz as he just sits there all day, breathing heavily from his mouth, with a completely blank expression on his face, totally oblivious to the fact this company crushed his spirits years ago. Absolutely incredible,” Quinn explained. “I’ve been in this dump for only eight years now, and it made me lose all hope for the possibility of having any sort of meaningful existence three years ago. I know Chaz has been here at least double that, and everyone says he’s always been that dumb. He’s one lucky sonofabitch.”

Charles “Chaz” Bunkle says the love for his company comes from the help of its policies and the people he works with.

“Well, after Babaco gave me a job, I felt like I owed it to them. That’s why I’ve never taken my PTO. Ever. You see, that was the very first step. Gotta establish respect early,” Bunkle stated, adding that time away from work just “distracts us from focusing on making our employers happy.” “Then I realized I was even more satisfied whenever I would stay after for an extra hour a day without pay, so I kept at it. Also, squealing on others helps out when things are slow. But with all this being said, I never let my coworkers feel intimidated by how much the bosses love me. God, I love it here.”

Donna Marquez, a senior manager at the company, says individuals too dumb to realize they’re being exploited often experience tragedy.

“I’ve been here 34 years now, so I can tell you that I’ve seen dumbasses come, and I’ve seen some dumbasses go,” Marquez explained. “But this one guy, Tim Rushwell. The guy refused to speak up about a faulty electrical socket next to his out of fear that if he made a fuss of any kind, his boss might not get his Christmas bonus. Then one day, poof, his mop-top of Vinny Barbarino hair acted like a rag soaked in kerosene. Poor guy didn’t even see it coming, except for the 100 times he could have pointed out the flaw, of course.”

At press time, Babaco awarded Bunkle the title of “Suckhole of the Month” for the 64th month in a row.