Hard Digest June 5: Early Access Creative Projects, Nosferatu, Ball Busting, and More

Man Finally Feeling Ready to Begin Creative Project 80 Years After Dying

BY JOHN DANEK 

BATON ROUGE, La. — The ghost of Winston Batts, a cobbler and hobbyist clarinetist who died in 1944, is finally inspired enough to begin work on his first big band jazz album, skeptical angels reported.

“I never wanted to start composing music until everything felt perfect, and I’m finally settled enough in Heaven to begin,” stated Batts, who was infamous in life amongst friends for scoffing at any live musicians and claiming he could make better tunes. “What’s the point of being an artist if you have to force it? That’s what I always said to myself while I repaired shoes for decades. Now that I’ve been dead and rotting for nearly a century, it’s time to start writing some songs to get the young people doing the Charleston.”

Descendants of Batts have reported frequently seeing Winston in their dreams as of late.

“I had a dream last night that I had to shoot my kindergarten teacher in the face to save a pallet of babies, and right as I pulled the trigger, I heard the voice of my great grandfather whisper ‘Big things happening soon’ in my ear,” said Addison Batts, great granddaughter of Winston who first family member to notice his otherworldly presence. “That dream made me realize that I’ve been way too passive with my creative aspirations. So I am going to begin my path towards becoming a sculptor. Soon. Like next week. Or, actually, probably after I get back from vacation in August. But watch this space!”

Mediums say that unfulfilled artistic expressions are one of the most common forms of regret for the deceased.

“I talk to the dead all day every day, and one thing far more pathetic than shitty art or embarrassing lyrics is never actually making anything at all,” said Lydia Trumbull, local medium and successful vintage furniture reseller. “The spirits of the afterlife mostly all wish they had tried painting, written poetry, or auditioned for a vaudeville act. So let this be a lesson to the living–either start today or shut the fuck up about it already. Don’t come crying to me after you die in a six-car rush hour pile-up that you didn’t ‘try your hand at stand-up comedy.’”

As of press time, Batts hasn’t actually started composing anything yet, but has created multiple music-related accounts on Heaven’s social media network Christagram.

Help! My Friends Keep Setting Me Up On Blind Dates And It Ends Up Being Nosferatu Every Time

BY TIM SHEARD 

After celebrating another engagement within my friend group, I realized that there was something missing in my life. So I decided it was time to put myself back out there. My friends caught on and have taken it upon themselves to help me, which I really appreciate, but as it turns out all of my friends share the same idea for what type of guy I should be with—Nosferatu specifically.

Let’s start with the incident at trivia night: Kevin overheard me mentioning that I’m single. He said “Interesting, my friend here is also single”. Then he opened the creepy, ancient coffin that was propped up next to him at the bar, and Nosferatu emerged. We had a polite conversation, but it was difficult seeing as the rats that escaped from the coffin were running amok and causing much alarm.

Later, Monica mentioned that she knew someone that I would be a great match for. A wealthy older man from Eastern Europe who’d be at her New Year’s Eve party. I thought “Count Orlok” was an odd name, but I was hopeful nonetheless.

But when I arrived at the party it was Nosferatu again, this time awkwardly holding a drink and a festive noisemaker.

When I asked Monica why she thought to set us up, she said that she felt we had a lot in common. When I asked her to elaborate she just said “Well, you’re both…you know” while gesturing vaguely at me.

After the party, I confided in another friend, Jennifer, who couldn’t understand my apprehension. She reminded me that a lot of people have to compromise in their relationships.

I’m trying to keep an open mind here, but he’s a centuries-old vampire. Whenever he moves too abruptly, a cloud of dust kicks up and makes me cough. And I think his coffin rats have now delivered a plague to the Greater Los Angeles area. Jennifer’s husband said he was six foot and ended up being five foot eleven. This is not the same.

Hoping to gain some clarity, I signed up for a dating app. My first match’s profile picture was a police sketch of the Zodiac Killer, and he wouldn’t stop calling me “Mommy”.

Now that I think about it, maybe I judged Nosferatu too harshly. He’s actually a pretty nice guy.

I texted him and asked if he wanted to go on a date. He responded saying he was flattered, but not interested. Apparently, he’s still not over some woman that he saw in the streets of Transylvania, and she’s haunted his memory since 1838. But he said that if he ever works through his baggage, we should grab a drink sometime.

Man Ruins Chance at Turning Acquaintance into Buddy by Attempting to Bust Balls Too Soon

BY TIM GRAHAM 

ROCKFORD, Ill. — Beer delivery driver Harrison Fleming thought he was close to making a new friend, bartender Theo Stills, but ultimately alienated Stills by being too familiar too quickly, according to bystanders drinking $11 IPAs.

“I would see Theo every week on my rounds,” said Fleming while dollying a keg. “He seemed cool and we got along great. I figured we could probably be buddies if given the chance. I was actually getting ready to invite him to come see the 311 tribute band I’m in, but he suddenly went cold on me. Now he just signs the receipt and acts like he’s too busy to talk. It couldn’t have been because I gave him crap about how short he was, or how dumb he looks in khaki pants. I was sure we were at a place where I could start busting his balls, but maybe I did go there a little prematurely.”

Stills says he thought Fleming seemed like a decent guy, but has decided to keep the relationship strictly professional moving forward.

“We’d talk about bands or TV shows and stuff when he delivered,” said Stills. “He seemed cool enough. But then out of the blue he started making some very mean-spirited and frankly inappropriate comments about me. He made a ‘joke’ about my intelligence, and then implied I couldn’t satisfy my wife in bed. I was like, ‘Dude, what the fuck?’ He just laughed and said, ‘Relax, I’m just busting your balls, maybe your wife can drain mine later.’ Totally fucked up. The thing is, I’m at a place in my life where I just want to be around nice people. My life is stressful enough—I don’t need any ball-busting, thank you.”

Sociologist and author of “Don’t Bust My Chops” Helena Trivet says that in order for real friendships to develop, certain milestones of comradery need to be met in proper sequence.

“There is an unspoken timeline when it comes to forming a new friendship that most people know intuitively,” said Trivet. “However, some people don’t understand social cues or the implicit agreements involved and barge right into ‘busting balls’ far too early. You need to form a real bond with someone before you can begin insulting their hygiene, sexual prowess, or brainpower. Only when the threshold of real friendship has been crossed will those comments become tools for further bonding rather than horrific insults.”

At press time, Fleming had been informed he was being let go due to excessive “chain-yanking” after numerous complaints from coworkers.

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What ‘Furiosa’s’ Failure Says About Hollywood According to Someone Who’d Have Had the Same Opinion if It Succeeded

BY THOMAS WILDE

RALEIGH, N.C. — George Miller’s new film Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga was the headliner for what’s been called the worst Memorial Day box office in 29 years. Is this proof that streaming services may replace theaters entirely, a temporary slump that can be traced back to last year’s WGA and SAG-AFTRA labor strikes, or proof that the film industry meta has finally, conclusively shifted away from the theatrical release model?

It’s actually none of these, according to culture warrior Hunter Perkins.

“This is all the proof you need that Hollywood has lost the moviegoing public,” Perkins said in a long multi-paragraph Twitter Blue Essay. “A female lead in a Mad Max movie is the kind of forced diversity that’s choked this business out like a kudzu vine. There was so much estrogen in the theater during Furiosa that I could barely make it through two screenings.”

Perkins, 56, is a writer, film critic, and serial divorcee who hosts the Mad Movie Ranters podcast. Since December of last year, he’s written nearly 40,000 words and recorded 12 60-minute YouTube videos about Furiosa. Some randomly chosen titles from Perkins’ channel include “Mad Maxine?!” “Is George Miller Being Forced to Trans-ify His Own Franchise?!” and “Don’t You Dare Tell Me to Leave the Theater, SJW Usher Scum!”

“I’ve been telling people for years that the alphabet mafia has an inexplicable hammerlock on Western culture,” Perkins said. “There are no movies for real men anymore, like a big shoot-’em-up starring Jason Statham where he kills for a righteous cause. All that’s gone now. Furiosa is the final strike, the last great soy bomb. Or it would’ve been. I guess even they could only push people so far. Get woke, go broke, Hollywood.”

According to social media analysts like UCLA sociology professor Daria Schumacher, this is a typical feint by online cultural critics.

“It’s textbook,” said Schumaker. “Perkins was set up to blame Furiosa’s success for the downfall of the domestic film industry. Then it actually failed in such a way that highlights the vulnerabilities of that industry, so he’s trying to have it both ways. In-house, we’ve begun calling this maneuver the ‘Stellar Blade.’”

At press time, Perkins had hurriedly pivoted to predicting that Alex Garland’s Civil War was foreshadowing that American elites intend to start a real civil war before the end of the year.

Israeli Counter-Strike Team Kills Concerning Amount of Hostages

BY AMITY GILMOUR 

BURBANK, Calif. — The typically upstanding world of professional Counter-Strike was mired in controversy this week after Israeli team Landgrab killed a concerning amounting of hostages in a match.

Landgrab won their recent tournament match against rival team Warrior Pals in a 12-0 sweep but the Warrior Pals allege that Landgrab engaged in unsportsmanlike conduct.

“We were ready for a fair matchup and they just broke all the rules and got rewarded for it,” claims Warrior Pals Captain Ibrahim “FreedomSnipeZ” Safadi. “They didn’t even try to secure and rescue the hostages. Instead, they just launched non-stop aggressive, explosive assaults that always resulted in hostage casualties. You’re not supposed to kill hostages, you’re supposed to save them.” 

“Landgrab did this huge song and dance at the start,” Safadi continued. “They kept saying they were gonna get everyone out and that we’d regret our actions. Then they just molotoved our prisoners. Honestly, in one of the rounds, we actually just let the hostages go. Figured it’d be safer for them.”

These accusations may have a shred of truth to them. Already, dozens of clips have circled across social media that depict the events in question, with many demanding that an official investigation take place.

“Obviously in the heat of a tournament setting, accidents happen,” said Teddy “HydeZano” Hart, professional commentator and retired CS veteran. “Guns start shooting, you toss out a frag when you meant to throw a flashbang, and when the smoke clears, the hostage is dead on the ground with two bullets to the back of the head. Who can say what truly happened?”

This isn’t the first time that Landgrab has been in hot water. Already, there have been several allegations of favoritism levied at the tournament hosts. Across the tournament, Landgrab has been permitted to choose the map. Furthermore, Warrior Pals has also complained that Landgrab received significantly higher starting funds at the beginning of the match, allowing them to purchase superior weaponry. Landgrab has denied all allegations.

“These disgusting accusations are just another example of the kind of antisemitism that we endure daily,” said Landgrab Captain Asher “PalCleanser” Shalev. “These terrorists, who started it by the way, have no proof. And even if they did, we believe in victory at any cost. That’s the name of the game.”

At press time, tournament organizers have written up a rule stating spectators who continue to call out Landgrab for their poor conduct will be thrown out for spreading hate speech.