Hard Digest June 4: Slipknot, Early Access Hot Topic, Addiction, Golden Tickets, and More

Circle of Life: Man Conceived In Bathroom At Slipknot Concert Plans to Follow in His Parent’s Footsteps At 25th Anniversary Tour

BY JUS KAPLAN

NOBLESVILLE, Ind. — Local metalhead Lonny Godwin, a man who was conceived in the handicapped stall in the bathroom of The Union Bar in Iowa City during Slipknot’s World Domination Tour, plans to follow in his parent’s footsteps by having unprotected sex with his girlfriend during the band’s upcoming 25th anniversary tour, confirmed multiple sources tired of hearing about the plan.

“My father and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. He hasn’t talked to me ever since I set his boat on fire after trying to launch some dead fish into the air with fireworks. But I have to admit that he got it right when it came to conceiving a child,” said Godwin while repairing his dirtbike. “People say that playing classical music for your kid in the womb makes them smarter, but conceiving your kid during the ‘Eyeless’ will make them tough as nails I should know, I’ve never had a broken bone, and that includes the time I fell off the ferris wheel at the county fair when I was 12. Just needed 240 stitches, didn’t even cry.”

Godwin’s girlfriend of 18-months, Becky Ivers, was excited about the prospect of motherhood.

“Lonny has always been a little hesitant about being a father. He has a bunch of excuses like how he wants to be financially stable enough to get an above ground pool before being a dad, but then Slipknot announced this tour and everything changed,” said Ivers. “As soon as he got the pre-sale email he started Googling things like ‘best position to get my girl pregnant’ and ‘best burgers to make semen stronger.’ Personally I can’t wait, we haven’t had sex in a public bathroom in weeks because he doesn’t want to jump the gun.”

Music historian Andreas Gutiérrez believes there is an entire generation of metal fans entering the prime of their moshing lives that were conceived in or around Slipknot performances.

“There is a distinct subset of Gen Z that can be labeled ‘Oz Fest babies.’ They are now in their 20s, they grew up listening to these bands and now is there chance to be the ones running the pit,” said Gutiérrez. “I have to warn the older fans that are now pushing 50 to be careful. Your children are now at the point where they can kick the crap out of you. Don’t be the dad that brings his son or daughter to a Slipknot show only to have that same son or daughter knock them out during a mosh part.”

At press time, Godwin and Ivers announced they would be trying for twins by having sex during the first Slipknot song, and during the encore.

Hot Topic Launches Back to Summer School Sale

BY MIKE MAHER

MONTCLAIR, Calif. — Hot Topic announced the rollout of its biggest savings in store history with the inaugural Back to Summer School Sale, sources close to the countercultural mall chain confirmed.

“With essentially our entire customer base heading to summer school, I’m super excited for this sale,” 29-year-old Hot Topic manager Thom Bibb said while baby-birding his pet iguana. “Our array of Funko pops, fishnets, Slytherin backpacks and Kirby ball gags makes Hot Topic your summer school one-stop shop. Just show us your report card with straight Fs and get 30% off the entire store! And get this. Between managerial shifts, I will also be attending summer school. So when I’m not making money for the store, I’ll be saving it on items that in no way help me academically. It’s like getting high off your own supply — high grades, that is! And even if I don’t graduate, I can still get promoted.”

Super senior Alice Reynolds rejects the summer school stigma and applauds Hot Topics’s appreciation of underachievement.

“Everyone thinks summer schoolers are dumb and lazy,” Reynolds said, rolling a clove. “But honestly, it’s way easier to get an A these days than it is to flunk, with access to free laptops, high-speed internet, AI, extra credit, Adderall, and teachers who are scared shitless of sue-happy parents. But getting a negative test score on a pass-fail exam? I fucking worked for that. Hot Topic understands, which is why they’re rewarding low grades with even lower prices. I mean, I’ll just keep stealing from the store like usual. But A for effort, Hot Topic!”

Shepherd Minor, an economic studies fellow with The Brookings Institution, worries these immediate savings have ruinous long-term financial consequences.

“Sorry to be a boner-killer,” Minor said, “But while this sale is great for business it’s terrible for the economy. The deals are so juicy, students en masse are intentionally failing just to get a few bucks off Pipsticks, thus sparking the great dumbification of our youth, which will lead to a labor pool overcrowded with incompetents, who will ultimately cause the collapse of capitalism. But on the other hand, fuck all that noise. Because you’d be even stupider to not take advantage of these sick deals on some dopeass Papa Roach merch!”

At press time, mall neighbors Cinnabon jumped on the sale bandwagon, offering free cinnamon rolls to anyone diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

How to Spot the Signs of Addiction and Then Ignore Them

BY DOM TUREK

The mind is an incredible thing when used correctly, but it’s even more impressive when used incorrectly.

Concerned coworkers and people who rely on a higher power to help them pick out their morning breakfast cereal will try to propagandize your brain with the idea that admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. However, admitting you have a problem, even to yourself, makes you a tattletale, and everyone knows that the only thing worse than a bottom-barrel drunkard is an adult tattletale.

When caught in the throes of alcohol and substance misuse, the brain can create entire systems that not only rationalize but reward potentially lethal behavior, which is pretty badass no matter how quickly it ushers you into an early grave. I’ve been blaming my bloodshot Monday-morning bender eyes on bee pollen and cat dander for so long that even I’m starting to believe it myself.

It’s important to remember that perspective is everything. A gambling problem is only a problem until you hit the jackpot, and then it’s a gambling solution. Similarly, waking up multiple times a week with a debilitating hangover might signify a drinking problem to some, but to others, never waking up with a hangover might indicate that you’re a nerd with a completely atrophied social life.

Denial is just as strong a tool as self-awareness, but no one wants to talk about that. As the old philosophical thought experiment goes, “If a tree falls in the forest and you’re too ripped on vodka red bulls and MDMA to notice, did it even happen?” If most of your post-party problems can be solved with a valium, visine, and a couple of half-hearted apology texts, is it even a problem worth fixing? Answers may vary depending on who you ask.

To get me to clean up my life, a boring but well-meaning friend told me, “Nothing changes if nothing changes,” and steered me in the direction of some local AA chapters, but soon after, a funnier, more morally ambiguous friend told me you could cure a hangover with a mixture of zinc, magnesium and a saline enema. I’m still not sure which route to go, but that’s something I can decide once I remove this nozzle from my ass.

Tweaker Wins Tour of Meth Lab After Finding Golden Ticket in 8-Ball

BY TIM GRAHAM 

SPARKS, Nev. — Local methamphetamine addict Chuck “Bucket” Kane was shocked to discover an invitation to tour a secretive drug lab in his bag of meth, according to crankheads at the trap house where the purchase was made.

“I came into some cash after someone asked me to watch their Macbook at Starbucks,” said Kane while swatting at invisible wasps. “So I bought myself a bag, and inside was a golden ticket inviting me to tour the factory where the shit was made. It was magical—there were bushes that grew benzos, a lazy river of liquid morphine and fent-laced snow cones. It was dangerous, though. Other guests on the tour kept getting killed off. And then these little jaundiced-looking dudes would come out and do a song and dance every time one of the group died.”

One of the strange-hued, short-statured workers gave some insight into the factory and the mysterious drug lord that oversees it all.

“Please pardon my appearance,” said the diminutive staff member who wished to remain anonymous. “The stunted growth, green hair and orange skin are a result of prolonged exposure to the chemicals we use in manufacturing our drugs. So yeah, the job has taken a toll on me physically. That being said, the tours are a lot of fun. The boss invites a bunch of junkies and tweakers to sample crazy new products. Usually about half of ‘em OD, but the survivors say they had a great time and go out to spread the word about our shit. There’s no better advertising than word of mouth.”

The DEA has categorically condemned any attempt by drug lords to incorporate fun or whimsy into their trade.

“Drug kingpins are becoming more brazen in their efforts to attract new customers,” said special agent Daryl Eastman. “Some of them are starting to pull wacky stunts like this in order to stand out from the crowd. For example, we’ve been trying to nail a bigtime tranq dealer in Philly who added hatchet throwing and pickleball to his spot. And there’s an operation out of Dayton that runs a weekly game show where contestants can win large amounts of drugs—all in an attempt to go viral and drum up more business.”

At press time, Kane had been handed over the keys to the factory after proving his worthiness by returning the Everlasting Meth Crystal he’d been given on the tour.

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Xbox Game Pass to Require PSN Account

BY ROB BAILEY 

Microsoft announced on Monday that their premium game subscription Xbox Game Pass will require a PSN Account to login.

“Due to technical issues at launch, we didn’t require users to have a PSN account,” stated a Microsoft spokesman. He was sweaty and not looking entirely well. “But it was the plan since day one. We’ve been hearing your concerns and we know that gamers want innovative new login opportunities. Plus, linking to a PSN account plays a critical role in upholding our values of safety and security.”

The spokesman didn’t comment when asked how linking to the account attributed to safety and security. And has so far not replied when asked if his statement means the service was unsafe and unsecure this whole time. Many gamers have other concerns.

“My password manager says it’s full… No more space. Completely full!,” said Kelly Logger, avid gamer. “I’m already logging into my home PC remotely from my work laptop to play Steam games through Game Pass. And now I have to go through a fourth wall? You gotta be kidding me. Plus I’ve heard there’s something… strange… with the PSN launcher…”

In addition to safety concerns, and rumors told only in whispers, in some countries PSN isn’t even available for purchase, leaving some gamers in the lurch. We reached out to Ali Yusupov, a gamer from Uzbekistan, to get his perspective.

“I finally had a reason not to pirate,” said Yusupov, referencing the reasonably priced Game Pass subscription. “But Sony hasn’t made PSN available in Uzbekistan since we started having priests consecrate our consoles and gaming PCs.” Yusupov took a deep breath, as though someone was at the door. He murmured that he shouldn’t have called before hanging up.

At the press release, the Microsoft spokesman was joined by his Sony counterpart… a pale, nameless man. When asked what motivated the new partnership, the Sony rep hissed and flicked his forked tongue. When pushed for further questions he handed us a card with instructions on how to sign up for a PSN account, which suddenly seemed like an excellent idea.

To get more information on how to sign up for a PSN account, which we highly recommend and will soon require, click ḧ̷̰̙̏͘ę̵̳̅͜r̸̺̉́̒̅͝e̵̩͈̘̜̿͋̋̎.