Hard Digest June 3: The First Female President?, Early Access Goths, Brain Cancer, Metalheads, and More

President Biden Promises If Re-Elected America Will Have First Female President Within Three Months

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

WASHINGTON — President Biden congratulated Mexico’s first female president Claudia Sheinbaum on her win and promised Americans that this country’s glass ceiling will also be shattered within three months of his second term if he is re-elected.

“I love to see more female leadership around the world, it makes those big summits so much more enjoyable when I have a little eye candy,” said President Biden while struggling to blink. “But listen Jack, I know people want me to live forever. I see a lot of the kids out there on college campuses talk about how great I look for an 81-year-old. Unfortunately we have to face the facts, I’m one bathtub slip and fall away from cracking my body in half. Let’s get through this next election, and then yeah, America can have it’s first female president. Maybe it comes with a bit of an asterisk, but it’s still progress.”

Vice-President Kamala Harris remains excited about the prospect of becoming the leader of the free world.

“This transition wasn’t supposed to take this long. I took this job expecting Joe to croak within the first three months. Have you ever touched the guy? His bones feel like they are made out of pool noodles,” said Vice President Harris. “I don’t know what sort of special pills he has access to that keep his heart pumping, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rooting for Joe to die, but also it just looks like he’s in pain all the time. He reminds me a lot of a cat I had after college, it lived to be 25, it was deaf, blind, and needed help going to the bathroom. That’s Joe in a nutshell.”

Right-wing pundits were quick to talk about their hesitancy about having a female president.

“I love my mom, I love my daughter, heck I even love my wife sometimes, but none of them have what it takes to be president. The job requires a cool demeanor, someone who isn’t bothered easily, a lot like former President Trump, who is the definition of cool under pressure,” said Garret Lotta, host of  “These Colors Don’t Run” on YouTube. “We need to be careful about how many women we elect. They tend to get emotional, especially when you point out how emotional they get.”

At press time, a FOIA request of Vice President Harris’ internet searches showed she asked “How long do you have to pretend to be sad after your boss’ funeral?” hundreds of times in the past three months.

Goth Can’t Fall Asleep Without Screams of the Tormented Noise Machine

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

SEATTLE — Local goth Amelia Jones discovered the only way she can fall asleep is through the use of a white noise machine projecting the pained screams of tormented souls, terrified witnesses have reported.

“As much as the nighttime suits me, I do need to rest in order to function in this decaying society. Falling asleep to gory Italian horror movies wasn’t working anymore, so last week I got one of those white noise machines that projects the twisted wails of tormented souls condemned to the deepest pits of despair. And let me tell you, I’ve been sleeping like the dead,” said Jones. “There’s something about disembodied voices crying out in agony that calms my mind better than any spooky sound effect CD ever could. I think I may just treat myself to the deluxe version that includes the serial killer victims begging for their lives.”

While Jones was experiencing the best sleep she’s had in ages, her roommate was tethering on the edge of insanity.

“I wake up in the middle of the night feeling I’m literally in hell. I should have drawn the line when she bought the coffin bed, as comfortable as it is, but I personally haven’t slept in days. What haunted Sharper Image magazine did she order this from?” said Julia Wilkins. “I mean I’m glad she’s getting more sleep because she used to keep me up with her wandering around the apartment all night slamming doors and moving furniture, but this is ten times worse. It just sounds so visceral, I think those might be actual people burning in hellfire.”

Sleep scientists have conducted multiple studies verifying the effectiveness of Jones’ terrifying noise machine.

“White noise machines help mask external stimuli that would make it hard for someone to sleep but calming noises are different for everyone. Fighting as it may be to everyone else around her, Ms. Jones’s brain needs the guttural cries of the damned to rest,” said Dr. Jennifer Hull. “We’ve seen this phenomenon in other subcultures in our sleep studies, like how metalheads can only fall asleep to the sounds of burning churches or emo kids needing to listen to breakup voicemails from their exes.”

As of press time, Jones’ noise machine had been smashed apart by her roommate, forcing her to fall to her backup of taking too much Benadryl and hallucinating her sleep paralysis demon tuck her in.

Brain Cancer? This Woman Still Has a Headache After Taking Three Sips of Water

BY DOM TUREK 

Walk down the corridors of an oncology wing anywhere in the country and you’ll learn just how “fair” life is. A chorus of “Why her?” And “How long do they have left” echo off the walls and fall onto the dead-end ears of doctors who have seen it all. Everyone thinks it won’t happen to them until it does.

Finding that her headache persisted after taking three massive sips of tepid water from a never-been-washed mason jar that lives permanently on her bedside table, Ayanna Kiesel knew her fate was sealed. She would go from being known as an enthusiastic young sales associate at an up-and-coming cosmetics brand to a brave yet doomed cancer patient. How could life be so cruel?

Although doctors tend to look down on self-diagnosis, when the writing on the wall is this clear most professionals will agree you need not spend your life savings on fancy medical assessments and high-tech body scans to confirm the obvious. In such dire circumstances, it’s best to move from denial to acceptance and begin researching burial plots as soon as possible, so as not to burden her grief-stuck family with funereal tasks.

What started as just a dull innocuous throbbing on the right side of her skull turned into a full-blown headache bordering on migraine territory. Who knew cancer cells could metastasize so severely in just a matter of minutes? What kind of cruel god would use terminal brain cancer as his Trojan horse to deliver a message about the sanctity of life?

It’s terrifying to think that a woman like Kiesel who only smoked on the weekends and took expired vitamins every day could fall victim to such a relentless fate. It’s as if the Pedialyte she added to her tequila soda last night did nothing to improve her body’s immune response. Unfortunately, it’s true what they say about God giving his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.

Friends and family are welcome to go by her apartment later today and say their final goodbyes if the $11 coconut water, bath bomb, and shiatsu neck massager fail to relieve her condition.

Metalhead Running Late for Show Accidentally Puts On Sister’s Girl Scouts Vest

BY PATRICK COYNE 

WAUKEE, Iowa — Tardy metalhead Colby Shelton accidentally wore his young sister’s Girl Scout vest to a recent show, mistaking it for his battle vest, confirmed multiple sources

“I was running late because the pre-show beef lo mein sent me running for the crapper. I didn’t want to miss the opener so I quickly grabbed my battle jacket out of the mud room, got in my car and dragged ass over to the venue,” said Shelton. “Yeah, my jacket felt a bit snug, but I didn’t notice anything was weird until I started spotting a bunch of people giving me the three-finger salute and asking if I could hook them up with a few boxes of peanut butter Tagalongs.”

Venue barback Erin Glibert was one of the few in attendance excited to see a “Girl Scout” at the show.

“To be honest, I didn’t even notice that the ‘Girl Scout’ was a 20-something bearded man and not a little girl. All I knew was that the venue was really in the weeds, and I figured with some of the badges they had, they could be a huge help to us,” said Gilbert. “The guys at the merch table accidentally ripped a bunch of shirts and needed someone who was good with a sewing needle. Maybe the scout could also give them some advice on salesmanship, considering how those girls are slinging cookies. And then a mama opossum and her babies made a nest inside the bass drum. And I figured since they earned their ‘animal habitat’ badge they’d be just the person to help get them out safely and humanely.”

Local Girl Scout Samantha “Big Sammi” Blankenship expressed her frustration regarding Shelton’s mistake.

“Frankly speaking, this is a bunch of bush league bullshit, and this wannabe scout can get fucked,” explained the seven-year-old. “Stolen valor doesn’t just apply to fat middle-aged dudes pretending to have been Navy Seals when the only time they’ve been at the bow of a ship is on Disney’s Jungle Cruise. We’ve got a rep to protect. And if any of us girls see this guy on the street we’re swinging on him, no hesitation. That’s what it means to live by Girl Scout law.”

At press time, Shelton found himself in even more hot water after mistaking his younger brother’s Boy Scout neckerchief for a bandana.

Rookie Dungeon Master Running out of Words and Patience to Describe Bustling Tavern

BY BRENDAN OSORIO 

KITCHEN TABLE — Rookie Dungeon master Jared Grundleson, has seemingly run out of words to describe the starting location of his brand new campaign with his friends, disappointed sources confirm. According to his players, follow up questions about the bustling tavern their adventure begins in have shown a lack of preparation and care.

“What’s the bartender’s name? I didn’t even think they’d care to ask! Why don’t they just focus on getting to know each other instead of all the characters in the bar I forgot to give names to,” Jared mumbled to himself while quickly googling “Elf barkeep name generator.”

“I thought I summed up just fine the busy atmosphere and the loud music played on lutes and pan flutes in the establishment, but now these guys want to order drinks and expect me to know what’s on the menu? I don’t know, ale? Grog? Fantasy tea?” Grundleson said, clearly at his wits end.

Grundleson’s players seemed utterly confused why he seemed to be acting so stressed after being asked what they described as “pretty basic questions”

“I just wanted to hear the latest gossip,” said Tony, one member of the group playing the role of Klarf Hornbreaker, orc barbarian. “You’d think Jared would have had a few rumors prepared in case we asked. It kinda seems like he had two or three good paragraphs written down to describe the scene we find ourselves in, but past that he’s got no clue.”

Grundleson seemed to really panic when his friend Sam asked him if he could go outside the tavern so his character could have a smoke.

“Outside the tavern?! It’s the first session and they already want to go outside and do other stuff? They’re supposed to just talk to each other and learn their backstories and then maybe talk to a quest giver! They’re moving so fast I better find a way to keep them in this one location or I’m gonna have to start naming a bunch more people,” Grundelson posted on his snap story along with a selfie of his face looking incredibly grim.

At press time, Grundleson’s players were reportedly just finishing up speaking with a wizard on the second floor who tasked them with slaying an ancient dragon in the basement.

Writer Finishes 1000 Page Script for Game Player Will Uninstall 10 Minutes Into Demo

BY BRETT MCCABE

Writer, Davey Spada, recently hit the Share button on the video game script for his company’s upcoming turn-based roguelike, Cerulean Empire: The Blade of War. After three arduous years, he’s ready to move forward on a game that a player will inevitably uninstall immediately after ten minutes, sources confirmed.

“All the branching story paths and different choices players can make is going to blow their minds. I think we’ve done something really unique with these characters and how they develop along with the player. It’ll be a truly amazing experience,” says Spada about a game that will receive low-to-average reviews and cost his company hundreds of thousands of dollars. “I’m so excited for players to discover this world we’ve built.”

Spada continued on about stat upgrades and the variety of weapons, armor, and loot. While Spada could barely contain his elation, the art team at Arcadia Arcade, the developer, isn’t as excited.

“I guess the story is fine but most of the monsters are generic mash-ups. A snake with a lion head. A wolf with a sheep’s head. A bear with wolverine claws. Which isn’t even really noticeable. In fact, their claws are actually smaller,” stated lead artist Lynora Pascal, referring to the game that a player will give up on instantly, even after buying the full version through a Steam sale. “And then there’s a scorpion that’s just a little bigger than a normal scorpion.”

The past few years were treacherous for Spada. After breaking three ribs in a car crash that took his daughter, losing his mother while she was held hostage in a bank robbery, and his wife leaving him for a Twitch streamer, Davey was hoping this game would be what put Arcadia Arcade on the map.

“We’ve dumped a ton of dough into acquiring this one from Arcadia,” said Mike Clarence, assistant head of Distribution at Activision Blizzard, a publisher known for taking big creative risks and treating its employees with the utmost respect. “I’m not afraid to break Spada’s ribs again if this bombs.”

Spada was recently seen wearing a fur coat and putting a down payment on a boat ahead of what he refers to as “a sure to be perfect release and reception of my magnum opus.”