Hard Digest June 1: Trump's Big Wave, Early Access Brand New Coverups, Malaise, Birds, and Taylor Swift

Long Island Tattooer Still Makes Good Living Covering Up Brand New Lyrics

BY VINCENT IVES

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. — Greenport tattoo artist Hazel Derulo continues to make an excellent salary by simply covering up Brand New lyrics she originally tattooed in the mid-00s, sources rolling in dough report.

“It wasn’t like ‘BOOM!’, the news broke, and then suddenly I had a queue outside Monsters Ink,” said Derulo while responding to 107 Instagram DMs. “But over time word got out, and all the people I’d done lyrics for started coming back for cover-ups. I’ve been able to upgrade everything, from the website to the shop amenities. I even bought a damn laser for fading and partial removals. One guy had a full sleeve with the astronaut dude from Deja Entendu. Last I heard he was considering amputation.”

Adam Lazarus, vocalist for local tribute band Faking Back Sunday, finds the shop’s new look out of step with the locale.

“It’s like a really specific gentrification. Monsters Ink used to be somewhere you’d roll the dice on a real gnarly infection, but Hazel factored that into her pricing and everyone was happy. Now, everything’s gleaming white, painstakingly sterilized, and people even wear masks! All ‘cos of that one creep,” said Lazarus. “In a way I was lucky, I’m on the pretend winning team. The guys in Brand Too were devastated. Jesse Fakey called me in tears, and he’s asking me ‘do I have to do that now? Do I have to do sex crimes?’ It was awful. Convincing him that his band just had to split in faux disgrace felt like a mercy kill”.

Long Island scene historian Hayim Walkenheir insisted that the area’s music community was as safe and thriving as ever.

“Strong Island, baby! Of course our tattoo parlors are upmarket! Things are as good as they’ve ever been. Everyone’s still losing their shit whenever Glassjaw drops some limited edition garbage, The Movielife bafflingly continues to exist, even Crime In Stereo is back,” said Walkenheir while obviously drinking vodka from a water bottle. “Future’s bright too, there’s probably more all-ages nights than there’s ever been. A few of the guys have even had me digitally archive some of them…oh. Oh God, no.”

As of press time, Derulo offered the following advice to her clients: “If you absolutely have to, then maybe get some lyrics a woman wrote.”

Finally! My Teen Angst Has Given Way to Adult Malaise

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

I’ve often been called a late bloomer. While I’ve always resented that label, everyone who called me that had a fair point: I refuse to sign up for direct deposit, roughly 60% of my exes told me that watching me skateboard in the 7/11 parking lot and considering that a date night was the main reason for breaking up with me, and the undying angst I’ve felt against this unfair world has been my default mood since I was 12-years-old.

But all of that changed a few days ago when I was in line to buy stamps at the post office and mail my water bill. In that moment the unbridled rage towards any and all authority dissipated and was replaced by a warm blanket of adulthood malaise.

Talk about growth! Seriously, it’s such a load off my shoulders to not wake up every day and curse my parents for bringing me into this world just to experience the collapse of Western civilization. For example, today I spent 20 minutes comparing laundry detergents while feeling like I should’ve followed my passion for abstract art.

I partially blame the delay on my genetic predisposition to being angry at the world due to still losing baby teeth up until my first year of college. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I haven’t had kids, which I’ve heard kills teen angst real quick. After all, there aren’t many opportunities to listen to My Chemical Romance anymore when Cocomelon takes over your Spotify algorithm.

It’s a weird sensation to look in the mirror and wonder if this is the same person who once stole twelve CDs from FYE and pushed the security guard into the fountain, especially once I realized all of those bands are now going on 20th-anniversary tours of those very albums. And yes, I’m going to pay $70 plus fees for balcony seats. My poor knees!

It’s much different from a midlife crisis, because this is permanent. From here on out it’s nothing but circling back on Zoom until I retire (or die at my desk), buying a pill organizer or two, and not recognizing 85% of today’s music. All while the existential threat of World War 3 hangs over us like a proverbial Sword of Damocles, no less! If all that doesn’t elicit a sense of never-ending dread, then I really need to grow up.

Well, better late than never. At least hating cops is an all-ages affair.

Small Bird Horribly Embarrassed At How Fast He Nutted In Nature Documentary

BY CHARLES BILL

AMAZON RAINFOREST, Brazil – A local topaz hummingbird was humiliated when he nutted super fast while filming a rare mating ritual for an upcoming installment of the “Planet Earth” series, chuckling sources confirmed.

“So there I was, putting on my moves, doing my thing,” explained the small bird who goes by Rafael. “I see this sexy lady bird, and I start dancing around, showing her how white my tail feathers are. I’m sort of a stud, so she’s on board. I hop on, three pumps, and I’m out. Species continued. I finished, she didn’t. Then I notice the camera. It’s not just a hunting camera, it’s zooming in and out. On me. I just starred in a bird porno and came faster than my wings beat every second. And now stoned college kids are going to be watching me fail to think about baseball in 4K for decades to come. Fucking BBC.”

Although the bird was ashamed of his performance, it did make for excellent nature content.

“Now we see the majestic crimson topaz, a hummingbird with exceptional plumage,” narrated David Attenborough over footage of the birds’ courtship ritual. “As we can see, the female is attracted, and offers herself to the male. The male then mounts her, and then he – wait he’s done? Seriously? Talk a bout a two-pump chump. In my day we could at least think of the Queen and that might keep us going for a few more seconds. Well not in the fifties. Anyway, the ritual is over, and the crimson topaz will now drink a beer and sleep.”

Despite the bird’s international public shaming, some scientific authorities have come to his support.

“Bird’s bust like nothing,” said Ornithology Chair at Gonzaga, Dr. Tyson Quill. “From the biggest ostrich, to the smallest sparrow, birds have no stroke game whatsoever. I’ll send my lab aides to collect stool samples and they’ll come back with a bonus jar full of bird cum. Like just being touched makes these incels explode. Birds are so horny, and their wings are terrible for jerking off. The second they make contact with wit that wet cloaca, it’s over for them.”

At press time, Rafael’s mate was dishing to her bird girlfriends about how much better her old hummingbird was.

We Sit Down With Taylor Swift and Sheepishly Walked Back All The Comments We Made About Her in a Reddit Thread She Apparently Reads

BY MALIA SIMON 

This week we had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to sit down with Taylor Swift and had kind of an “oh fuck” moment when we realized she has apparently read through the entire hate thread on which we have been the top commenters for the past decade.

The Hard Times: What an honor to sit down with the queen of the music industry herself. We are long-time Swifties here at The Hard Times, but we know not everyone appreciates your artistry. How do you handle the haters?
Taylor Swift: Normally it’s not a big deal, but I admit that sometimes it does get to me. This one Reddit page in particular is out of control with the nasty comments.

HT: Oh yeah? We didn’t know you even read those. Just out of curiosity, which Reddit page? And we can’t imagine you’d have time to pay attention to the usernames of those commenters, do you?
TS: Oh, I see everything. It’s this page called R/FuckTaylorSwift, and it’s just a bunch of people calling me a boring, old, a bad songwriter. Stuff like that.

HT: That’s awful.
TS: Yeah. The other day, one user posted something like “Taylor Swift is for big-gummed normies who eat mayonnaise straight from the jar and kiss horses on the asshole.” Actually, it looks like that comment comes from a user called “The Hard Times News Official.”

HT: Huh, what are the chances? Must be another Hard Times News.
TS: And it looks like the profile picture of that page is actually a picture of you listening to my new album with fake blood caked onto your ears.

HT: Oh wow. You certainly don’t miss a thing. Your fans weren’t lying about that. Meaning us! We are your fans. Just to be clear, we meant that mayonnaise jar thing as a compliment.
TS: Look, it honestly doesn’t bother me much. It’s just a lot of misogyny and people afraid to enjoy pop music without being considered “normies.” A bunch of losers who sleep on their parents’ couch.

HT: Agree with the first part. But just for accuracy’s sake, we wouldn’t necessarily call those people losers. Punks, maybe. But losers? Not quite. Also, those people have been moved out of their parents’ house for 3 months now. Just to keep the record straight.
TS: Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.

HT: So Taylor, we notice you have a lot of songs about this idea of “revenge.” Just out of curiosity, you don’t see yourself ever taking revenge on your haters or anything like that, right? We imagine you probably wouldn’t have the time for that.
TS: It’s not so much about one act of revenge as it is a slow, calculated process of wearing them down psychologically until they’re a shell of what they once were. This usually extends over the course of about three decades. It’s a very subtle art.

HT: Wow, that’s great.
TS: Yup.

HT: Okay, we’re sorry. Please. Have mercy.
TS: I’m not mad. In fact, all of this is going exactly according to plan.

We have to admit the rest of the interview got a little hazy as the walls began to close in on us and we felt ourselves spiraling into the early stages of a full-blown panic attack while Taylor Swift sat watching us with a triumphant smirk stretching across her face. We were even more shocked to learn from her producers that we had actually interviewed hologram Taylor Swift, while the real Taylor Swift was watching from a control room in a mansion three miles away. On the bright side, it looks almost indistinguishable from her except for a little glitch in the left arm that can easily be doctored up when we go to exploit the whole thing for Instagram clout.