Hard Digest May 31: Trump Fallout, Early Access The Red Chord, Drinking, Target, Banking, and More

QAnon Follower Desperately Trying to Decipher Significance of “34” in Trump’s 34 Convictions

BY TREVOR GRAHAM 

BOISE, Idaho. —  Followers of the QAnon conspiracy theory are trying to find hidden meaning in the 34 felony convictions of former president Donald Trump which were handed down in the New York criminal fraud case yesterday, multiple Facebook loving sources confirmed.

“There must be some message he is trying to send us by being purposefully convicted 34 times in this so-called hush money trial,” said longtime Q believer Brenda Derbock. “If you think about it, 34 is 33 plus 1. 33 is the highest level of the Freemasons and Donald Trump is the one! Also, 34 plus 45, for 45th president, equals 79, which will be how old he will be when he becomes president again. Even though as we all know he is still secretly the president and Biden is just an actor. It’s so obvious if you look close enough.”

Some aren’t convinced, however, and think this may just be another dead end.

“I know Brenda, we used to chat on a Q message board forum TrueQPatriots.ru and I think she is wasting her time trying to find a meaning in this,” said former Q believer Tyler Boggs from his therapist’s office. “I can’t tell you how much time we wasted looking through every one of Trump’s misspelled Tweets or flubs he would say looking for some clue that this whole Q thing was real. Luckily, I finally realized there was nothing to any of this and the followers are just fucking crazy, and it only took getting divorced and losing my job to get me there, Besides, it was RFK Jr. who actually set Trump up. Everyone knows that.”

Mental health expert Liz Smith says she has seen a rise in the number of patients who suffer delusional paranoia in the last 8 years.

“I have spent my entire career specializing in cult psychology and working with patients who suffer from delusions, but at this point with this QAnon stuff I… I just can’t do it anymore,” said a tearful Smith. “I was a fool to think I could help people with mental illness in these times. If the whole world is insane and I am the only sane one, that means insanity is the new normal and I am the one who is actually insane. But regardless, they can’t stop obsessing over benign things such as the number of charges, and frankly, they are never going to change. Depressing.”

At press time, Derbock had a new theory that 34 actually represented NFL Hall of Famer Walter Payton, claiming that “Payton played for the Chicago Bears in 1984 and was a halfback and his number was 34, half of 34 is 17, Q is the 17th letter of the alphabet, and Chicago is under deep state control like the book ‘1984.’”

MAGA Supporter Intentionally Gets Another Felony DWI Charge in Solidarity With Trump

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

WATERLOO, N.Y. — Staunch MAGA Republican and binge-drinker Justin Brently decided to show his unwavering support for Donald Trump after his recent felony conviction by adding to his already large list of aggravated DWI charges, several perpetually-deceived sources report.

“Donald Trump is the single greatest president this country has ever had and I’ll drink 23 beers then get behind the wheel of my Silverado as many times as it takes until this witch hunt is over,” Brently stated as a jail guard instructed him to “pipe down.” “This man needs the support of MAGA patriots like me now more than ever, and I’ll stand in solidarity with him the only way I know how: by making dangerously irresponsible alcohol-fueled decisions. All I need is about 14 more and I’ll hit the goal of 34, one for every guilty sentence. God Bless America and God Bless Donald Trump and Coors Light!”

Brently’s longtime friend and drinking buddy Dylan Stowski shared his admiration for his commitment to his political ideals.

“Justin has to be the biggest freedom-loving patriot I know, and I’m proud to say that I’ve been right by his side many times when he’s put his few remaining brain cells on the line for Trump,” Stowski explained. “During the ‘plandemic,’ Justin and I were having one of our anti-quarantine parties, and we decided to go shot-for-shot. Only we were drinking shots of bleach to show all them science snowflakes that Trump wasn’t at all wrong or stupid for suggesting that bleach would cure Covid. We took the last two spots in the ER, but we didn’t die, so Trump was right!”

DWI attorneys nationwide have seen a sharp increase in demand of their services in what experts are calling “MAGA-flation.”

“Since this whole guilty verdict thing came about, our phones here have been ringing non-stop with angry bearded white men claiming to be political prisoners,” Attorney Larry Fink of Fink & Associates stated. “Apparently, these insurrectionist types started a campaign called, ‘Driving Drunk for Trump’ and now I’m up to my ears in billable hours! I think the world needs more conmen like Trump because at this rate, I should be able to retire from my practice around the time he inevitably runs for President again in 2028!”

At press time, Brently was spotted scraping off his “Blue Lives Matter” sticker off his rear windshield in hopes it will increase his chance of being pulled over.

Man Busts Out the Good Carabiner Keychain for Special Red Chord Show

BY BOBBY KOREC 

BOSTON— Local deathcore fan Toby Branstein decided to bust out his finest carabiner keychain for the upcoming special Red Chord show, confirmed sources who needed to upgrade theirs now that they think about it.

“I only use this one for special occasions, like high-profile shows, weddings, and my grandmother’s funeral,” said Branstein while attempting to pair the carabiner keychain with just the right jeans. “I actually tried to get a brand new one for this event in particular so I can look as fresh as possible, but evidently they don’t sell carabiners at Men’s Warehouse or Nordstrom. Get this. They don’t even sell white or studded belts. It’s like there are no high-end men’s clothing stores anymore. Either way, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a carabiner from Walmart to this show. Show some damn respect.”

Friends of Branstein wish he matured his style just a bit.

“This guy still dresses with his keys dangling from his belt loop as if they were part of some sort of exoskeleton,” said long acquaintance Meg Daffodil. “I get that this is a very special show, but if that’s the case he should really be wearing a suit and tie. Or at least go business casual. Any old Norma Jean t-shirt will simply not do. After all, you need to dress for the show you want, not the one you’re going to. It’s time for this 38-year-old to grow up and wear show-appropriate apparel.”

Fashion experts agreed that men in general have a hard time updating their wardrobe as they age.

“Some men like to accessorize with expensive watches and designer sunglasses, others prefer implements that are used exclusively for rockclimbing. For some reason, these people are fans of subgenres that end with the word ‘core,’” said stylist Deb Macintyre. “It is very difficult for a lot of men to adapt their style as they age. That’s why it’s best to shame them into changing. Publicly or privately, it does not matter. Just make them feel guilty for every style decision they’ve ever made in their lives. Always works.”

At press time, Branstein decided to bust out his best pair of Vans for an upcoming job interview.

If Alcohol Is So Dehydrating Why Did It Make Me Pee My Pants?

BY DOM TUREK 

Doctors and scientists will tell you that alcohol is severely dehydrating, but doctors also used to prescribe lobotomies to anyone with ADHD, and scientists were putting cocaine in soda until the 1930s, so I tend to take “professional opinions” with a grain of salt.

Hey brainiacs, If alcohol is so dehydrating, why did I recently wake up from a wild night out in a urine-soaked bed covered in sweat? Biologists blame it on a renal process called diereses, which is just fancy medical talk for drinking so many Michelob Ultras that you piss yourself in public after a Def Leopard concert and have to convince others you spilled a drink in your lap.

Sorry, but trying to brainwash me into believing that increased urine output is a direct result of dehydration is like when my family tries to convince me global warming is real even when it gets really chilly outside and I’m forced to put on a light jacket. Ain’t gonna happen, guys.

The amount of urine I produce when I drink the recommended eight glasses of water a day can only be described as “measly” when compared to the geyser of piss I produce after drinking just two cans of Coors Light. I know doctors will disagree but the proof is in the pudding, and by that, I mean the pee is in my pants.

To put things in perspective, consider the fact that beer is 95 percent water while the human body is only 75 percent water, meaning that beer is actually extremely hydrating. Unfortunately, this fun factoid came as little solace to my now ex-girlfriend when I tried explaining to her that getting black-out drunk and pissing in all her house plants is really just a nuanced form of irrigation.

Great ideas have always been met with great resistance, which is why I don’t propose to convince lesser minds of my progressive views on human physiology.

Whenever I see a man or woman stumbling home from a pub at an obscene hour with pee stains spidering down their pant legs, my first thought is always, “I hope they get home safe,” and my second thought is, “At least they’re hydrated.”

Target Reduces Pride Month Collection to Single T-Shirt of Androgynous Person Shrugging

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

MINNEAPOLIS — Target announced they would be reducing this year’s selection of Pride merchandise to a single t-shirt depicting an androgynous person shrugging in response to last year’s controversy surrounding their LGBTQ+-friendly apparel, confirmed multiple high-ranking sources.

“In order to avoid more threats of violence and accusations and about our pride collection promoting child grooming and perversion, we are overhauling this year’s offering to a single shirt of an androgynous, nonbinary person throwing up their arms almost as if to say ‘What the hell is this anyway?’ We feel that Target has successfully toed the line with a depiction of sexual ambiguity that’ll hopefully be enough for the queer community,” said Target executive Bradley Smith. “Numerous focus groups in the Deep South and battleground states led us to the creation of this solitary, unisex t-shirt depicting an indifferent non-binary person. This way LGBTQ+ guests will be safe to shop in our stores just like our reactionary and conspiratorial right-wing guests.”

Despite Target’s scaled-back approach, customers with conservative values still weren’t happy.

“I’ll never forget what happened last year when I had to explain to my kid why someone would put ‘Trans Lives Matter’ on a shirt. It was one of the most horrific things to happen to me and my family ever. And this year’s line is no different, what with this mystery person shrugging so condescendingly at family values,” said Susan Michaels. “I just want to be able to shop in peace and not have to look at some woke shirt insinuating that gender is fluid. I promise I will berate every minimum wage Target employee in a 50-mile radius until it’s removed.”

LGBTQ+ activists were not surprised by Target’s lackluster offerings.

“The fight for visibility and acceptance has been profoundly difficult, but it would be naive to think Target gave a shit about queer people in the first place. The only reason they started a Pride line was because they realized gay people have money. But like many brands facing a backlash that’ll threaten shareholder value, they reverse course and give us watered-down garbage,” said Adrian Polakowski. “Just yesterday Walmart introduced a line of trad wife dresses ominously placed next to their Pride display, and Kohls’ revealed a line of Pride shirts that just say ‘Bisexual Unicorn Who Dates Guys That Listen to Joe Rogan.’”

As of press time, Target instructed employees to stock the shirt behind the store so as to not make any conservative customers inadvertently question their sexuality even for a second.

How I Eliminated Negativity From My Life by Refusing to Check My Account Balance

BY DOM TUREK 

Nietzsche said that if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you, which is why I never stare directly at my account balance when withdrawing money from the ATM. Whenever necessary, I will peer at the meager number through squinted eyes and violently hit ‘no receipt’ until the machine returns me to the home screen.

The illusory power of money has this whole country in such a vice grip that close friends and blood relatives won’t even lend you money anymore without some sort of collateral or long-winded speech about how no one trusts you anymore because you “never pay anyone back” and “spent the last $500 to wager a bet on who would be the next pope.” I guess some people are just born cynics.

A wise man once said, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” This wise man was my father, and time would reveal he was referring to the widely rumored affair my mother had with one of her subordinates. However, I find the saying applies to almost all situations. Maintaining optimism requires not asking too many questions. Buying a turkey sandwich, with extra mustard, at the deli without my card declining is all the information I need about my finances.

The best way to guide positivity into your life is to adopt an abundance mindset. To achieve this, you must train yourself to understand that things like finances and human potential are expansive rather than limited. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to employ an abundance mentality when Chase Bank contacts you every five seconds to say your account is overdrawn and being sent to collections. Corporate America keeps trying to clip my wings, but they don’t realize I’m a phoenix.

My natural inborn tendency towards idealism and rebirth is kept alive by getting rid of anything that doesn’t serve me, and that usually starts with any mail I receive from my bank, the DMV, or the IRS. Whenever I fire up an illegal barrel burn to get rid of excess refuse around my apartment, I’m careful to include anything that has words like “Open Immediately” and “Last Notice” printed directly on the envelope. If someone has something urgent to say, they’ll call me, but I won’t know because my phone has been shut off due to non-payment.

Gen Z Parents Praying Baby Cute Enough to Exploit for Likes

BY GARY KERLS 

UNITED STATES — Young people and self-proclaimed influencers across the country have taken to a new social media trend this spring, having children. Our sources confirm that 1 out of every 5 babies being born today has a social media account before a birth certificate. 

“I’m just so excited to share my journey with all my followers who want to vicariously experience motherhood through a random person on the internet!” Katie Marx said in an Instagram Live as she awaited her scheduled c-section. “The only downside is we won’t know if the baby’s face will be thumbnail marketable until about 4 weeks.”

After failed endeavors into van life and reaction videos, Katie, known online by her handle, KTdoesThingz, found success on social media dressing her French Bulldog in Halloween costumes. Amassing over 45k followers, and gaining exclusive access to the Tik Tok Creators Program, which pays out $1 per every 1000 views. 

“After an unfortunate elevator incident, Alfie is no longer with us, but he really gave us the confidence and income to pursue parenthood,” Craig Hart, Katie’s cameraman and long-term boyfriend, said from just off camera. “I’m sure this decision of getting pregnant immediately after the death of a beloved pet might lead to some sort of therapy down the road, but that’s just a partnership with BetterHelp waiting to happen!”

The child’s birth, which will be streamed on Twitch and Instagram, isn’t the first influencer birth Jefferson Hospital has seen. A rising trend in expectant mothers under 25 has correlated with a social media baby boom. 

“It’s almost a guarantee that if they were born after 9/11 they’re going to ask me to be on their podcast to explain the whole process,” said Dr. Peter Menedez, local OB-GYN. “Doctor-patient confidentiality has lost all meaning.”

At the end of her Instagram Live Katie told her followers that they would have to subscribe to her Patreon if they wanted to ask any more questions. 

At press time, the couple announced that the biggest donor during the Twitch stream will get to name the baby. 

Gamer Invents New Form of Game Criticism Where He Reads the Features List in a Pleasing Monotone

BY THOMAS WILDE

AUSTIN, Texas — Online game reviewer Tyler Wenks is changing the face of the industry with his new school of objective critical theory, where he doesn’t let his own opinions interfere with his evaluation of a game.

Wenks operates a YouTube channel, GamerThink1990, that’s dedicated to video game news, reactions, and reviews, as recorded from Wenks’ merch-strewn mancave in Texas. While Wenks has updated the channel regularly since 2014, his channel only started building an audience once he unveiled his Objective Game Reviews series in early 2024.

The goal of Objective Game Reviews, according to Wenks, is to remove any trace of bias from the report.

“It’s pure analysis,” Wenks said in an interview with Dexerto. “I analyze every game I review according to 72 different factors, assign each one a number, and plug that number into my homemade algorithm. That boils all traces of me out of the final product and leaves only pure data: the perfect critical review. Then I just read through the data sheet with no emotion whatsoever. After all, the last thing anyone should want out of an opinion piece is my opinion.”

“Hades II is now out in Early Access on Steam,” Wenks said in a recent review. “It is an action roguelike developed and published by Supergiant Games, where you play as the earth goddess Melinoë. Roguelikes draw their name from their kinship to the 1980 dungeon crawler Rogue, which is the first really popular game to use procedurally generated content. My score for Hades II is 85.”

Wenks’ method has changed the face of online game criticism, with many Twitter Blue subscribers immediately jumping onto the GamerThink bandwagon.

“For too long, Western game reviews have been plagued by activist critics who use them as a soapbox to pursue their agenda,” said self-proclaimed memelord Modern Herodotus. “When I look for a review, I don’t want to hear about a game’s subtext, design, story, plot, or female characters who are showing insufficient amounts of polygon poon. I want my biases immediately confirmed by someone who’s a 1-to-1 demographic match with me.”

The GamerThink method has gotten immediate results. Wenks reports that his channel has gone from 23 to 2,000 subscribers in the last few weeks, with more signing in every day.

At press time, Wenks latest video, an Objective Review of Multiversus is being hailed as the best ASMR video to fall asleep to.

Naughty Dog Announces Remastered Neil Druckmann Interview

BY TYLER A 

SANTA MONICA — The Last Of Us creator and notorious violence apologist Neil Druckmann has announced a full remaster of his May interview with Sony. This is reportedly coming after Sony removed the previously last-gen, bug-ridden interview.

“…Some of my words, context, and intent were unfortunately lost.”, said Druckmann, who reports the old version of the interview didn’t perform or read well with older systems, such as non-gamer executives and armchair game-developers.

Sony has since apologized for “misrepresenting his words”, presumably due to generative AI dictating its PR.”In re-reviewing our recent interview with Naughty Dog’s Neil Druckmann, we have found several significant errors and inaccuracies,” says Sony, “that don’t represent his perspective and values (including topics such as animation, writing, technology, AI, and future projects),”.With this development, Druckmann is now going to re-remaster the aforementioned interview.

The interview remaster is said to be the definitive way to experience a Neil Druckmann interview. It will offer plenty of reasons to jump back into the engrossing Sony PR. There are promised technological improvements, including behind the scenes that Druckmann will undoubtedly have to correct again.

There will be no pre-orders, as Sony has said they will simply shadow-drop the interview remaster some time in the future. It is rumored to include photo mode, speedrun mode and ray-tracing.

Although many of us will await the interview’s remake, Druckmann has said he hopes there’s still nostalgia for the original while playing the new one.