thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 29: Early Access Ukulele, Family, Divinyls, and More

Added 2024-05-30 00:00:10 +0000 UTC

Ukulele Player Realizes Full Potential Recording Song for Herpes Medication Ad Campaign

CHERRY VALLEY, N.Y. — Ukulele artist Laurel D’Amato recently experienced a huge career leap when she was offered a gig as a jingle writer for a herpes medication, Grundlenex, excited sources confirmed.

“You know, I’ve been playing in a lot of great projects over the years, like my Decemberists cover band, The Crane Wives. And that was nice for a while, but there’s a ceiling,” said D’Amato. “I felt shackled by the creative process, and I wanted to branch out to more fulfilling projects, which is where writing catchy little ditties for huge, faceless pharmaceutical corporations comes in. When Grundlenex’s reps reached out, I just knew I could write a song that was so wonderfully twee, it could really help sell this exciting but largely untested medication.”

D’Amato’s new employer was thrilled with her approach to the project.

“When we got Laurel’s demo, we knew right off the bat that this was the Grundlenex sound,” gushed Grundlenex executive Justin Gunn. “It really honed in the concepts and creative direction for the rest of the commercial. A Tai Chi class near fields of chamomile and the golden retrievers running through it. Just perfect. These gentle chords also do such a good job glossing over for those awful side effects, too. Blah blah eyebrow loss and hallucinating your dead loved ones. Yada yada sharpened teeth and appetite for raw meat. I won’t get into it because what does it matter? Happy ukulele! Don’t think about it!”

Leslie D’Amato, Laurel’s supportive mother, is pleased that her daughter finally has consistent income.

“You know in college I was initially worried that she was going to just have this be a quirky quirk Zooey Deschanel phase, but she’s kept at it,” said the elder D’Amato. “I always wondered if she could have that drive, that focus. That she could one day write adorable music to soften the blows of predatory companies with sugary melodies to make them seem like human beings. And she has just grabbed the hell out of that brass ring.”

As of press time, D’Amato is at work on a commercial for a subprime mortgage company, a radio spot for Matt Gaetz’s congressional campaign, and even a preflight video for Boeing.

Opinion: It’s Just Easier To Let My Family Think I’m Gay

BY DAN RICE

I’ve never felt like I fit in with the rest of my family. I’m a childless adult, I’m agnostic, I’m not a sports guy and I read the occasional book. According to the family rumor mill, all of that is because I’m gay. I’ve denied this rumor for years, but it wasn’t until my cousin’s son’s 4th-grade graduation party last month that I finally asked myself “Why the hell am I doing that exactly?”

I came out that day. Fuck it. It’s just easier this way. If you’re gay and wanna call me out on stolen valor I get it, but like, I kind of need this.

I’ve always said there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Now that I’m mature enough to actually believe that and not just say it, what’s wrong with presenting as gay at Thanksgiving? There are literally no drawbacks. I wasn’t going to try to fuck anyone there anyway, it’s Thanksgiving and we are all related by blood or marriage.

It’s like clarity keeps washing over me in waves. I guess in the back of my mind I thought the idea I might be gay made certain relatives uncomfortable. Fuck those relatives! I don’t even like them in the first place, why am I trying to be a more viable invite to their kid’s baptisms and shit? Let’s be real, any family function you are not invited to is a net gain when it comes to overall quality of life, especially if it takes place in a church!

I’m never going to be asked why I don’t want kids again. I still can’t even wrap my head around that. You can cite overpopulation, financial difficulty, or just plain wanting to live your own life till the cows come home and get nowhere but once you’re “gay,” they no longer even want you to have one. It’s fucked up, but pretty damned convenient for me.

As far as the less bigoted members of my clan go, it may just bring us closer together. No member of my family has ever quite known what to do with me, and if imagining me having sex with another man somehow makes me make sense to them, they can just have that. It’s way easier than me explaining who David Lynch is and why I’m wearing a t-shirt that says I’m “directed by” him.

It shouldn’t be too hard to maintain the lie. My family is mostly religious and conservative, I don’t think they’ll ask a ton of questions. I’m sure a drunk uncle or two will hit me with “Top or bottom?” but I’ll pick a lane beforehand and stick to it. I’ve got a gay buddy or two that would probably be cool being my reverse-beard if I need one, and push come to shove I guess I would be okay doing mouth stuff if I have to. Whatever keeps this situation going for me honestly.

Divinyls Finally Confirm Their Cryptic Song “I Touch Myself” is About Masturbation

BY DAN KOZUH

SYDNEY — Iconic Australian rock band Divinyls ended decades of speculation when they finally confirmed that their hit song “I Touch Myself” is an ode to self-love and bodily exploration, stunned sources report.

“We got together and decided now was the time to set the record straight,” declared Chrissy Amphlett, frontwoman and co-founder of Divinyls. “Contrary to popular belief, ‘I Touch Myself’ isn’t some metaphorical ballad about Bob Hawke and the Australian Labor Party, like some suggested. I’ve also seen people theorize that the song is an exploration of the themes in James Joyce’s classic novel ‘Finnegan’s Wake.” But no, it’s a straightforward celebration of self-pleasure. Masturbating, jerking off, flicking the bean. We kinda figured you got that.”

However, not everyone is thrilled with the band’s candid admission.

“This is just another example of the moral decay of society. I remember when rock music was about wholesome things like going to the beach, and holding hands,” conservative commentator and radio host Karen Smith said, expressing her disdain for the song’s newfound clarity. “There are children that will hear that song played by their parents while they are cleaning the house and now they will know that it is about nothing but sin and perversion. Promoting self-gratification in such a brazen manner only serves to corrupt the minds of our youth and undermine traditional values. The band should have simply never written it.”

Despite the controversy surrounding the song’s subject matter, music historians and cultural analysts are quick to highlight its significance within the broader context of pop culture.

“The world wasn’t ready to accept what ‘I Touch Myself’ was actually about when it was released, so they came up with alternate explanations,” Dr. David Johnson, a professor of musicology, explained. “Divinyls’ decision to tackle such a taboo topic in their music was groundbreaking at the time. ‘I Touch Myself’ challenged societal norms and sparked important conversations about sexuality and self-expression. For those that were able to read between the lines, that is. I can’t tell you the amount of times I masturbated to that music video.”

As of press time, conservative outlets across the world urged their followers to disavow ‘I Touch Myself’ and instead listen to more family friendly songs like Cyndi Lauper’s ‘She Bop.’

“Mega Man 2” Bosses Ranked by How Much You Should Avoid Them in the Pit

John Fetterman Staff Confirm Senator Has Successfully Respeced Entire Character

BY MATT SAINCOME

WASHINGTON – Members of John Fetterman’s staff confirmed today that the Pennsylvania senator has successfully completed a total re-speccing of his entire character, including his personality, policies, and collection of ill-fitted gym shorts.

“It was just time to try something new,” one junior staffer said. “You play one way for a while then all of sudden you want something a little more aggressive, a little more range-y. Go heavy on the bombs.”

The changes have been abrupt, showing DC politics allows for almost complete ground up rebuilds mid-game.

“You pick a character thinking it’s one thing, but it might completely change,” one voter said. “It’s exciting but I think it breaks the game. What’s the point of choosing if they can just change it all later?”

Fetterman was defiant in his decision.

“I’m no longer a progressive,” Fetterman said. “I also don’t use a 2-handed mace anymore. Doing a whole different thing – watched a bunch of YouTube videos to get the strongest build. No Woke Mind Virus or infect spell casts at all really.”

As of press time Fetterman staff confirmed that although the senator would be wiping all of his progressive skilltree to rebuild, he was unable to change his Ogre race.