Hard Digest May 26: Early Access Guitar Center, Elon Musk, Parasocial Relationships, and More

Guitar Center Kicks off Annual “Mid-Life Crisis” Sale

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Musical instrument retailer Guitar Center kicked off its biggest sales event of the year catered towards individuals entering their mid-life who are at an age of self-reflection, inner turmoil, and prone to rash financial decision-making, several confused sources report.

“This has got to be my favorite promotion that corporate runs, bro. I love seeing dudes walk in with that meaningless-and-desperate-to-drop-cash look in their eyes,” Guitar Center employee Conner Welsh enthusiastically stated. “After all, the real strong point of my instrument knowledge is helping people choose good ones, but not so good that they can learn how to play guitar from scratch at the age of 52. Typically, these guys play their new purchase once or twice and let it sit in the back of their closet until they die and it’s eventually inherited by a family member who then tries to return it back to us. That’s just the circle of life in this industry.”

56-year-old Dennis Richardson expressed his gratitude for the chance to finally live out his rockstar dream.

“They say ‘age is just a number,’ and that’s why I think 56 is just the right time to buy two Marshall Stacks, a top hat, and a $5,000 dollar Gibson for only $4,900,” Richardson explained. “Besides, I figure a bitchin’ new guitar is way safer than a bitchin’ new Corvette. I even asked my family when I bought my axe if they’d rather I die in a fiery car accident or live out my childhood dream of being the next Jimmy Page. They answered ‘yes’ as soon as I said ‘death,’ but I knew what they really meant to say.”

Guitar Center corporate representative Stephen Gilbert explains promotions like this are a crucial part of business for the company.

“We have this reputation among ‘real musicians’ that we’re the Walmart of gear stores. As in, they only shop here when they forgot a patch cord or need to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ on an expensive new guitar they don’t even intend to buy. But they got it all wrong,” Gilbert explained. “We pride ourselves on being the number one go-to place for people who would never in their life consider becoming a drummer or guitar player, but then all of the sudden feel old enough to realize they’ve never accomplished anything in their life. That’s where we swoop in and cash in on the insecurities. That’s just capitalism, baby.”

At press time, Guitar Center announced a special discount for any orderly or nurse who provides care for elderly would-be rockers.

If Every One Of Our Instagram Followers Gave A Mere $74,666, We Can Give Elon Musk His Bonus

BY DAN RICE 

Mr. Rogers used to say in times of crisis, look for the helpers. With respect Fred, we say go a step further. We say be the helpers.

As you, our dear readers, are surely aware, Elon Musk, one of the world’s richest and therefore most undeniably cool people, is facing a seemingly insurmountable problem. He would like a humble bonus of 56 billion dollars, the largest paid to a CEO in American history, on the grounds that he would like to have that. It seems more than fair and very straightforward, but he’s being met with an unbelievable amount of red tape.

When a Delaware judge ruled against Musk receiving his (barely) historically high payout, he did what any of us would do. He reincorporated his company in Texas out of spite and self-interest ignoring any negative effects that would have on the company. He even ordered 10% layoffs to make sure his little 56 billion dollar thank you wouldn’t be a bother!

Even after going to all that trouble, an evil proxy firm is now advising shareholders to block the bonus. Talk about cruelty! Has Elon been a perfect boss? Of course not, nobody is perfect. But you try building a $100,00 terrible-looking car and see if you can get the accelerator to stop sticking, it’s a lot harder than you think!

Think of everything Elon Musk has done for you, everything he’s accomplished. He took a hole-in-the-wall platform like Twitter and turned it into X, the coolest letter there is. He did this so successfully that now when people mention that platform conversationally or in print they say “X, formerly Twitter.”

More importantly than that he shows us every day that you don’t need to be informed, intelligent, or even remotely logical to take a stand against the wokes.

Now is not the time to be selfish or miserly. Now is the time to give. Ask yourself “Do I really need takeout and rent for the rest of my life? Does my kid really need braces? Do I really need this kid? How much money can I get for selling my kid and how do I get that money to Elon Musk as fast as humanly possible?”

Sure, each of us individually is a virtually worthless insignificant $74,666, but together we are strong. We’re as strong as a CEO’s bonus. Together, in one voice, in one fantastic push forward we can give everything we have so that Elon Musk can say “Cool, I have this now, throw it on the pile.” He might even shoot another car into space because that’s the kind of selfless giver he is.

Parasocial Relationship Much More Fulfilling than Actual Relationship

BY CLAIRE ALEXANDER 

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Local woman Sarah Donnelly admitted that the parasocial relationship she shares with actor Kyle McLachlan through TikTok is exponentially more fulfilling than the real-life relationship she shares with her boyfriend of four years, sources confirmed.

“He’s just so full of life,” Donnelly says about the Twin Peaks star. “He is always posting these videos where he’s dancing or singing, just being so silly and loveable, in a way that James (Templeton) never is now that he’s joined his poker league. Every night I look forward to James falling asleep so that I can watch Kyle’s little TikToks. I think I’m heading towards needing to talk to my therapist about this for obvious and kind of distressing reasons.”

Templeton, on the other hand, seems to have no idea that his partner has eyes for another prospect.

“I don’t know who Kyle McLachlan is,” Templeton said while holding PS5 controller in one hand, a Monster energy in the other, and not looking up from the TV. “But yeah, Sarah and I are cool I guess, we don’t really fight or anything which is good, I think. I mean, she’s definitely mad at me for missing her birthday last month, and I was out with the boys for our anniversary this month, but you know, that kinda stuff happens when you’re in a long-term relationship. We both still have to be individuals.”

McLachlan’s social media manager Darrel Rodriguez admits he purposely crafted his client’s online presence to win the hearts of women in disappointing relationships everywhere, maximizing his influence and re-igniting his career.

“I really like to showcase Kyle doing the absolute bare minimum,” said Rodriguez. “Most women in relationships don’t ever even experience a man with as much as a clean floor, so as long as we show Kyle being a normal and not annoying or repulsive guy, women in their twenties fawn over him. It gives women everywhere hope, and it’s going to bring all of his old movies back to Netflix.”

At press time, Donnelly shared that she would be changing her phone wallpaper to a screenshot from McLachlan’s latest upload of him trying to hold three cats at once.

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Conservative PC Gamer Demands Release of Hunter Biden Laptop Specs

BY JON WOOD

WASHINGTON — Conservative PC gamers have taken to Twitter (now X) to rehash their grievances stemming from Hunter Biden’s laptop controversy, with the group now demanding the release of still-unknown and potentially incriminating hardware specifications.

Dane Newman, the leader of this rehashed crusade, took to Twitter demanding answers. 

“All the corrupt mainstream media have told us is that Hunter Biden’s laptop is a water-damaged MacBook Pro, but there are so many red flags that suggest a hardcore rig,” posted Newman. “Like why did he take his laptop to an indie repair shop instead of the Genius Bar like every other Mac noob?  What’s he hiding in there? Did he overclock his Intel chip?  Was the water damage the result of an after-market liquid cooling system malfunction? What does he think of Stellar Blade? Did he have Joe Biden call his buddy Tim Cuck to honor the Apple Care warranty despite an unauthorized RAM upgrade?”

Joel Dunning, a former employee of the Delaware computer repair shop that serviced Hunter Biden’s laptop in 2019, shed some light on the hardware in question when reached for comment.

“The thing was in pretty bad shape when we got it.  Apart from the water damage, there were cigarette burns on the case, glitter all over the screen, and the keyboard smelled like ass,” said Dunning.  “But as far as the guts, it was all OEM, nothing crazy or anything. Unless you consider OxyContin and semen residue non-factory components.”

A spokesperson for Hunter Biden released a statement that included previously unknown details on the now infamous laptop.

“Hunter Biden would like to set the record straight regarding his computing requirements.  Even at the peak of his addiction to pornography and illicit transactions on the dark web, Mr. Biden never came close to exceeding the capabilities of his base model MacBook Pro.  And as evidenced by the thousands of compromising raw images and clips recovered from my client’s laptop, he clearly isn’t doing any serious photo or video editing either.”

At press time, the Republican-led House Oversight Committee is investigating allegations Hunter had installed RGB lighting all over an external hard drive full of his own nude photos. 

Man Who Spent $1500 on Most Advanced Phone Ever Built Still Called Poor for Making Group Chat Green

BY MAC MCCARTHY 

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Laughing sources have confirmed that despite spending a large sum of money on the latest Samsung Galaxy S Series smartphone, local man Allen Roberts was mocked by his friends for his presumed low income due to his messages in the group chat being green.

Roberts himself is flabbergasted that such an expensive device can illicit this response.

“I don’t really get it,” said Roberts. “My friends constantly say that I must be broke to have such a shitty phone, but I think this is a pretty impressive device. The cameras can zoom 200x and shoot video in 8K. But when I send a picture or video to my friends, they tell me how grainy it is and say it’s time to finally replace this ancient piece of crap. I’m not even allowed to message them in their group chat anymore because it will turn the whole thing green and invite their wrath.”

“On my birthday, my sister sent a video of her kids singing Happy Birthday to my wife instead of me and just wrote ‘Share this with your broke-ass husband so he can watch it.’”

Friends who have corresponded with Roberts claim his use of an Android phone indicates he is experiencing financial hardship.

“I didn’t realize he was having such a hard time with money,” said Roberts’s longtime friend Seth Watson. “Allen is clearly struggling. He wouldn’t be using such a relic to text me if he could afford to replace it. Everybody knows that Android phones are for poor people. When I see that green text bubble, I know the person who sent it to me had no better option.”

Apple spokesperson Bethany Gibbs stated that this is the company’s desired response when their customers receive a text from an Android owner. 

“Apple celebrates our customers’ innate desire to abuse anyone that buys a device from one of our competitors,” said Gibbs. “There is nothing more important to us than the sense of elitism that our customers experience when using our products. If they ever stopped believing that their green-texting friends are beneath them, they might notice that the difference in quality between the iPhone and a handset built by Samsung or Google is pretty negligible.”

At press time, Roberts was trying to impress a friend with footage he shot of local skateboarders, but the video was left unopened after being mistaken for an eBaum’s World clip from 2005.