Hard Digest May 25: Early Access Henry Rollins, Whole Foods, Sex Toys, Dental Care, and More

Punk’s Girlfriend Puts on Henry Rollins Spoken Word Record Before She Leaves for Work So He Doesn’t Feel Lonely

BY DAN KOZUH 

NASHUA, N.H. – Rebecca Sanders, girlfriend of local punk Ben Stumpf, allegedly puts on a Henry Rollins spoken word record before leaving for work each morning in order to stave off the loneliness her boyfriend may feel being home alone all day, sources confirmed.

“I just worry about him being home alone all day without a job and no real friends to speak up. He quit all social media again for the 5th time, so he doesn’t even have that connection,” said Sanders who works long hours as the Assistant Treasurer at Chase Bank. “I found that if I don’t have something to draw his attention he can get destructive. Sometimes he gets into the trash and makes a mess, and he went through a phase of chewing on the couch and getting stuffing everywhere. I don’t think he means anything by it, he just wants attention and has a lot of pent up energy. Henry’s words seem to make him feel like someone else is in the house. It’s been life-changing for our relationship and our lease.”

Stumpf himself couldn’t be any happier with the situation.

“It’s like my own personal pep talk from the godfather himself,” Stumpf said from his bed even though it was already 2:30 p.m. “Henry’s words just hit differently in the morning, you know? It’s like he’s right there with me, telling me to seize the day and not let the bastards grind me down. It almost makes me want to start working on that novel I’ve been thinking about for a few years, or maybe write a song or two. But I’ll probably just take a nap.”

Dr. Maya Greene, a psychologist specializing in music therapy, weighed in on the psychological benefits of such rituals.

“Listening to music or spoken words that resonate with us can have a profound impact on our mood and mindset,” Dr. Greene explained. “It’s not surprising that men like Ben find solace and motivation in Henry’s powerful words, especially during long, quiet days alone. It is probably not Henry Rollins in particular that Joey is responding to, but more the cadence and rhythm of the words being spoken. It could also be that he is simply a burnout who gets bored.”

While the Rollins’ albums seem to have helped with Stumpf’s behavior, Sanders is still working on getting him to use the toilet, or at least hold it until she is home and brings him outside.

Man Introduced to Each of Girlfriend’s Sex Toys Like New Guy at the Office

BY WALKER JF GLENN 

SAN FRANCISCO — Local mailroom clerk and recently acquired boyfriend Jake Ramirez is reportedly feeling like the new guy at the office while he is led around his girlfriend’s apartment and successively introduced to each of her sex toys, anxious sources disclosed.

“It’s really exciting to be brought on board — it’s just a lot of information at once. I wasn’t exactly sure what expression I should have on my face, either. I was going for neutral-but-interested but I’m worried I came off dumb. I’m a pretty fast learner, though, and Aisha kept saying it will all ‘make sense in practice,’” said Ramirez. “We haven’t actually been seeing each other that long, so I’m flattered she wants me on the team. Although I have to admit I kind of exaggerated when she asked how familiar I am with Hitachi. Just feels like I lied on my resume or something.”

Ramirez’ girlfriend and owner of the adult toy collection Aisha James reported new partners often feel a bit overwhelmed on their first day.

“It’s completely understandable to be confused at first. I had my own learning curve with a lot of this stuff, and I’m available to answer any questions that arise as we get started,” said James. “Some trainees — when they get here and see what a full operation I’m running — aren’t sure what exactly they can do to help meet our daily goals. Let me reassure you: you’re here because of what you bring to the table. Even if it’s just verbal encouragement, or making small tweaks here and there, your role is essential.”

Relationship expert and author of “Love in the Era of Automation” Adrienne Wells noted that romance and efficiency are becoming synonymous for couples across the globe.

“In the age of the home office, the bedroom and the boardroom are often one and the same, and today’s lovers need modern solutions for modern problems,” said Wells. “It used to be the case that a worker could lose a whole afternoon searching for something a simple machine can identify and stimulate within seconds. The clit. I’m talking about finding the clit. That said, AI might actually be coming for your jobs as boyfriends.”

As of press time, Ramirez expressed some nervousness about meeting a device his girlfriend calls “the Manager,” or simply, “Peg.”

What a Dumbass! This Guy Thought His Emergency Dental Surgery Was Covered by Healthcare

BY REUBEN BLANCHARD 

Lemme introduce you to this week’s asshole: Davis Benton of Pasadena, California. What makes him an asshole, you ask? This douche actually thought his healthcare coverage included emergency dental surgery. What year is it? 2999? Does he want his healthcare to drive him to work and make him lunch too? YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL!

This jagoff was heard saying “It makes no sense, it’s part of my health. Why wouldn’t it be covered by my health insurance” Um, maybe because it’s super expensive and insurance companies actually exist to profit off human misery you dumb piece of shit!

Seriously, this generation is so entitled. “Pay me what I’m worth!” “Unpaid internships are unethical!” “The cost of living is so high!” You know what’s also too high? The cost of living with woke snowflakes. Also my blood pressure. Probably because of all the woke snowflakes.

I don’t know what America you’ve been living in, but in my America, we stand for the flag, eat big-ass hamburgers and die way too young due to something easily preventable that our insurance refused to cover. That or we get shot in classrooms. But Davis “I’m an entitled bag of shit” Benton thinks he’s better than that. “In Canada, they have state-sponsored healthcare that is covered by your taxes” Well you know what else they have? MILK IN FUCKING BAG. What is this? Milk-in-a-bag-world? Where we all get to have our healthcare covered, regardless of our income, and then drink milk from a bag? Fuck you.

If you wanna be a communist, go for it. Go to Nazi Germany and be a communist, because in my head those are the same things, and NO I’m not gonna listen to why I’m wrong about that. He’s the asshole, not me. If he wants his face to NOT be in constant agonizing pain, maybe he should’ve had a rich dad, instead of working 65 hours a week to have a third of his paycheck taken away for health insurance that doesn’t actually cover anything and requires a $35 copay for general health visits and $100 copays for a specialist. Oh you wanna see a specialist? Because you’re so special? Nut up and be in pain like a real American.

Real Life State of Florida Projected to be Underwater by the Time GTA VI is Finally Released on PC

BY BS MITCHELL 

THE ARCTIC – Shortly after Take Two Interactive CEO Strauss Zelnick announced that Grand Theft Auto VI is slated for a fall 2025 release window, the glaciological community announced grim news of their own. The West Antarctica Thwaites Glacier is rapidly experiencing “vigorous ice melt.” Over time, it could raise global sea levels over two feet. This would be catastrophic for coastal communities like those in Florida, the inspiration for the setting of the next GTA.

This didn’t stop Rockstar Games’ parent company from taking their time to measure the next installment’s release window. In a recent earnings call, the company saw fit to acknowledge these concerning climate developments, alongside Grand Theft Auto VI’s development.

“Even the wealthiest of our shareholders feel that quiet, intangible dread on the inside,” Opined a Take Two spokesperson. “The lingering fear that the light at the end of the tunnel could be a speeding train. Or that time itself might be pulling us further down the abyssal depths of the tide, the oceans plunging us deeper in our own collective hubris. But doesn’t that just make the need for AAA open world distractions all the more prescient?”

Take Two’s PR went on to confirm that their PC port of the next Grand Theft Auto game “may or may not” be out before 2050, the point in time when coastlines across the Sunshine State could face unprecedented flooding. Despite this bleak reality, they still assured fans that the scale of their new Vice City map is big enough to “make up for miles of lost shoreline. Even if we’ll have less Florida, you’ll still have more Leonida on your RTX!”

Nevertheless, last week’s earnings call inevitably sparked fervent speculation from YouTube’s rumor mill. Videos with titles like “GTA 6 – DYING PLANET MECHANICS CONFIRMED?” from channels with names like Mr. GTA SEO. “Will Jason and Lucia run from the fuzz and floods?” Asked the vlogger. “Will every car you drive contribute to the carbon footprint contaminating our air? Will this game be so realistic that the map will realistically shrink over time?”

Maybe not, but Strauss Zelnick ended the earnings call, downplaying the looming threat of the “doomsday glacier” while definitively confirming that Grand Theft Auto 6 “and 7” will both be out “before the sun explodes.”

When asked for comment about his state’s sea level rise, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis reportedly asked “what rise?” before attempting to sue the entire pressroom.

Fortnite Teammate Missing and Feared Dead, Last Seen Chasing a Crown

BY NICK COFFMAN 

CLASSY COURTS— A local Fortnite squad is asking for the public’s help to try and find their missing teammate, Jay Adams a.k.a. $pacePunch3r. Adam’s reportedly separated from his squad early in the match to grab a crown dropped by a downed enemy.

“He’s usually not gone this long,” said Noah Ellis, Adam’s longtime squadmate. “He’s always running off to grab crowns alone. We tell him to wait for the rest of us, but he’s like a toddler when they see something shiny. He just can’t help himself. I just wish he was here now. It’s a lot easier to take on a full enemy squad when you have a full squad. Come back, Jay!”

Adams was last seen chasing crowns south of Classy Courts. A visual glitch on the mini-map has kept Adam’s squadmates from locating him. Some of those squadmates are now fearing the worst.

“Oh, he’s dead,” said John Zimmer, another longtime squadmate of Adam’s. “I’ve been watching for his name to pop up on the screen. I haven’t seen it yet, but all signs point to his demise. If he wasn’t dead he would have come right back and snatched every legendary and mythic gun like he always does. I used to hate when he did that, but now that he isn’t here I miss it.”

Attempts to contact Adams via voicechat have yielded no results, signifying either that his mic is broken or that he is no longer in the party chat. One of Adam’s squadmates holds out hope that he is still alive and well somewhere on the map.

“Jay is ok. He’ll come back just in time for the new season, I know it,” said Sean Tondeur-Jas, another of Adams’ squadmates said close to tears. “It’s Mad Max themed. I don’t get it, but Jay loves that old eighties stuff. He’s always running around as that Terminator guy and quoting these super old movies. He used to say, “I’ll be back,” all the time. I want to believe he will in fact be back.

There is a 10,000 V-Buck reward for anyone with information to the location or whereabouts of Adams. Anyone with information is asked to contact Adams’ squadmates in the comments below.