Hard Digest May 21: Early Access Bigfoot, Oasis, Owning the Libs, and More

Pissed Cryptozoologist Mistakes J Mascis for Bigfoot Again

BY PATRICK COYNE 

MAUPIN, Ore. — Deflated cryptozoologist Sam Pennington expressed his frustration after once again mistaking Dinosaur Jr. lead singer and guitarist J Mascis for the elusive Bigfoot, multiple colleagues confirmed.

“There I am in rural Oregon on yet another Bigfoot investigation. I haven’t seen any evidence of a sasquatch yet, but, hey, 1,253rd times the charm, right? From within the woods I hear a guttural growl and spot a hairy, lumbering figure in the distance. This must be it, I think. But then I spot that familiar trucker hat and realize it’s just ‘90s alternative rocker J Masci again,” said Pennington. “I wouldn’t care but I’ve run into him on multiple occasions now. Apparently, wandering aimlessly around the woods helps him write songs. But it’s hunting season. I smacked him in the face and yelled ‘don’t you get it, we don’t want you here.’ He looked so sad, but it was for his own good.”

Some however, remain skeptical that Pennington even saw Mascis in the first place.

“I am a skeptic. And as such, I refused to examine or even acknowledge any evidence that conflicts with my strict, materialistic worldview. This is why I find it so hard to believe that a so-called ‘Dinosaur Jr.’ lead singer even exists in the first place,” said Dr. Simon Berg. “A few of the blind believers have tried proving J Mascis’ existence by presenting his alleged albums and a sampling of his droppings. But those could just as easily be Meat Puppets albums, and the droppings for all we know is just common Kim Gordon scat.”

Professor of mythology Samantha Wilkinson explained that this was surprisingly common.

“J Mascis is far from the only rock star being mistaken for a cryptid. For instance, most of the alleged sightings of the Jersey Devil have been in reality Danzig going on a cooldown run in the Pine Barrens,” said Wilkinson. “And Hope Sandoval is frequently accused of being a fairy because of her ethereal, otherworldly voice and her ability to grant the wishes of anyone that is pure of heart.”

In an effort to avoid future cases of mistaken cryptic identity, Mascis has sought the advice of Creed singer Scott Stapp, who is frequently mistaken for the Florida Skunk Ape.

Weird! This Man Can Name A Third Member Of Oasis

BY TRAVIS TACK 

Meet Kevin Holloway, a one-of-a-kind person with such an encyclopedic knowledge of music that he claims he can name all the members of Oasis without the help of album liner notes or the internet.

No normal person can name all four members of Oasis. In fact, no one know if that’s even how many people are in the band. They know Liam and they know Noel and they don’t know which one is Liam or which one is Noel. The Beatles had “The quiet one, the baby face, the clown, and the cynic” – but all we know about Oasis is that they have two assholes with similar haircuts and, presumably, a drummer.

Under normal circumstances, if a person can name all the members of Oasis, there’s a 95% chance they someone that actually played in Oasis, but even that’s up for debate since nobody has ever talked to those mysterious other members of the band. Have people tried? Probably not, because why would you want to even bother? But if you need to track one of those guys down start with asking Kevin, because he can set you on the right path.

There are Oasis fans, then there are super fans, then there are people who can name the bassist. These people are “weirdos” – and they’re the subject of a new study at MIT.

“Oxford professor Robin Dunbar says people can only successfully keep track of 150 people, but this man is using up like 3% of that on lesser members of Oasis,” lamented Ph.D candidate Lagan Murphy. “They talk about Paul Arthurs and Paul McGuigan and sometimes a third person who isn’t named Paul. They’re a rare breed, primarily found hanging out in ‘90s-themed bars and working in the House of Commons. Mostly non-migratory, but they do make the occasional pilgrimage to Knebworth.”

And therein lies the problem. Americans shouldn’t know that “Knebworth” exists. They shouldn’t know about any town in Hertfordshire. It’s unnatural. But Kevin Holloway does – and that’s why Murphy has launched a campaign to have Holloway locked in captivity.

“He must be monitored at all times,” Murphy told reporters. “Not just because his brain is a medical marvel – but also to guarantee that he stops ruining parties by talking about Oasis.”

Conservative Owns the Libs by Paying $4,000 a Month for His Ford F-350

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local conservative Bill Wallace announced he’s ramped up his fight against the liberal agenda by spending $4,000 a month to lease his new Ford F-350, his family has confirmed.

“All I hear is ‘hybrid vehicle this’ and ‘global warming that’ from these fucking tree huggers. I bet Biden is plotting to replace trucks with shitty Prius cars or whatever they drive in San Francisco. That’s why I went down to the dealer and got the biggest, loudest, most loaded F-350 on the lot. I don’t care that I’ll be out $4,000 a month, you can put a price on freedom,” said Wallace. “My family is giving me shit about not having a job or hobbies that would warrant a truck that costs three times my mortgage. But I’d rather work 80 hours a week to pay for it than lower my carbon emissions.”

Wallace’s wife understood his need to stick to his principles, but feared he’d gone too far this time.

“This family bleeds red, white, and blue, but we’re also bleeding money. I supported him donating our life savings to help build the border wall, but this is beyond stupid. I told him to get something practical, not a monster truck with a thousand-dollar gun rack. Did he forget we have a baby and need room for a car seat?” said Becky Wallace. “And had the nerve to ask me to get a job to help pay for the gas! If he wants to stick it to the libs this badly, he can live in the truck. Then he’ll have plenty of time to rant in the cab on Facebook since he had to get Wi-Fi installed in it.”

Truck dealerships have been embracing customers like Wallace, as it has sent their commissions sky high.

“Normally I’d bust a guy’s balls and hone in on his insecurities to tack on extra amenities. But thanks to this blind hatred of the left, folks are buying the most obnoxious trucks on the lot, price be damned,” said Ford salesman Dean Childers. “If someone is on the fence I’ll just tell them some unfettered shit like Pete Buttigieg wants to ban halogen headlights or mud flaps and they’ll throw their credit card at me. It’s like taking candy from a baby.”

As of press time, Wallace’s truck has been repossessed after missing a payment due to his bank account overdrafting from splurging on chrome-plated Punisher truck nuts.

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MIT to Offer Degree In “Installing Fallout: New Vegas on Modern Machines”

BY AMITY GILMOUR 

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – The Massachusetts Institute of Technology confirmed today that they were accepting applicants to their new course on “Installing Fallout: New Vegas on Modern Machines.”

“The modern world brings with it modern challenges,” said Chancellor Melissa Nobles, who opened the press conference to the tune of ‘Johnny Guitar.’ “As we look to the future however, it’s important we maintain easy access to traditions of old. Future generations will benefit immensely from the stellar storytelling and engaging gameplay of Fallout: New Vegas… providing we teach them how to install it.”

MIT has opened a state-of-the-art building to accommodate the new course, administrators said. Each student is given access to dozens of top-of-the-line machines with the latest in computing hardware. Essential tools in installing a game from 2010.

“This has been a life-saver,” said Ian Ranger, one of the students. “I must have watched dozens of video essays on why this is such a good game. I spent hours debating why Caesar’s Legion is the objectively correct choice. Yet I’ve had so much trouble getting the game to run. It’s not like we’ve got years and years of guides and documentation to go over. MIT’s finally doing what the community should have done years ago,”

MIT’s course promises to be all-encompassing and far-reaching. Students will receive education in a variety of subjects, including “117 Essential Mods,” “.INI Writing,” and “So You’ve Alt-Tabbed Without Saving.” In addition, the course has also arranged a series of debates. The first, a heated discussion on “Which Mod Manager is the Best (And Why It’s Vortex),” came under scrutiny after investigators noted Nexus Mods making a sizable donation to MIT.

Still, it hasn’t all been positive. Some students believe the course isn’t focused in the right areas.

“I am worried that the course is perhaps too focused on the theoretical,” said Max Plate, overseeing the crash test of a Windows 11 PC. “I’ve been here six months. I’ve only booted up the game to make sure there were no mod incompatibilities. I haven’t seen the outside of Doc Mitchell’s house. Sure it looks absolutely gorgeous in 4K and runs at 60 FPS, but there’s more to the game world than a Goodspring’s shack.”

At press time, a petition to expand the course to include Fallout 3 has thus far attracted no signatures.

Deal Alert! This Woman Is Throwing Her Cheating Boyfriend’s Video Games out of a Window

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

Attention gamers, this is a DEFCON-1 deal alert! If you happen to live in the vicinity of Newton, MA there is an absolute banger of a fire sale occurring at the corner of Walnut and Homer Street. For the next hour, Caitlin Ballard is throwing all of her cheating boyfriend’s video games out of their apartment window.

That’s right, everything must go! One man’s royal screw-up could make your day if you get here fast enough. Act quickly, we’re not yet sure he’s aware that the thousands of dollars he’s invested in video games over the years are currently being chucked indiscriminately out of his (soon to be former) kitchen window. But we can verify that there is a Dreamcast on the lawn with a copy of House of the Dead 2 AND the light gun. What a steal!

It’s clear that Caitlin is taking out years of frustration built up from her boyfriend dragging her to countless flea markets in search of retro games.You can tell given the sheer velocity these games are hitting the lawn. He may not have made the right life choices, but he sure had impeccable taste in Nintendo games. If you’re looking for Mega Man 2 or even A Link to the Past, they’re currently sitting in this growing pile of gaming history.

We may never see a bargain like this again because if you didn’t already guess, all of these games are free. The quicker you snatch up these reminders of Ms. Ballard wasting three years of her life, the better. If you’re into something more contemporary, the PS5 he used to message his side piece on is also up for grabs. His PSN account and credit cards are still linked, so hit up the PlayStation store before he calls the fraud department!

Hurry, because this offer won’t last much longer since the landscapers are coming today and these games may end up on the underside of a rider mower! Though the look on her now ex-boyfriends face would be priceless, it would be a shame to see a completed XBOX 360 collection reduced to confetti.

But don’t fret if you miss this opportunity, we have it on good authority his gaming PC and imported anime DVDs from Japan will literally be hitting the streets momentarily. Hurry while supplies last!