thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 18: Early Access Jail, Posers, Baby Boomers, The Strokes, and More

Added 2024-05-18 21:00:05 +0000 UTC

Guy Who’s Always Wanted To Learn Harmonica Excited For Lengthy Jail Sentence

CREST HILL, Ill. — Newly convicted felon Silas Deane Highway is reportedly looking forward to his 6-8 year prison sentence because he’s always dreamed of mastering the harmonica, sources confirmed.

“Hell, if it means it’ll afford me what I can only assume from old movies and television is a crash course in harmonica performance and theory, consider me glad I committed all that arson,” said a beaming Highway as he was being handcuffed. “By my estimation, prison is mostly eating, sleeping, and balefully playing the harmonica as you consider the choices you’ve made, and very little else. People keep recommending I watch ‘Oz’ before I go, but those Judy Garland songs seem a little tough for a beginner like me. I think I’ll start with something simple like ‘Love Me Do,’ y’know? Oh boy, I hope my cellmate has a good singing voice!”

Longtime employees of the prison are used to their facilities being used for musical purposes.

“‘I’ll say this for the bastard, he’s got the right idea. Every notable harmonica player from Little Walter to the Blues Traveler guy has intentionally kicked a cop or robbed a liquor store in order to get a few years behind bars to get a free master’s degree in the mouth harp. It’s theoretically the quickest way to learn, plus you save on tuition. Well, the taxpayers don’t, but they do,” said Stateville Correctional Center warden Randy Pfister. “I’m not a very emotional man, but I’ll admit it, when I hear a guy finally cracking Stevie Wonder’s ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ after a few months of solitary, I have to let out a few tears of pride.”

Common as the practice is, some harmonica hopefuls overshoot the initial crime needed to enter the prison walls.

“Boy, was my face red when I found out all the serial ax murdering I did would put me in here with way more time than I needed to learn not only harmonica, but pretty much every orchestral instrument there is. A few of ‘em I can play at the same time, one-man-band style!” exclaimed multiple life-sentence holder Jack Kelsey Gingham while twirling a bassoon in his fingers like a drumstick. “Heck, I’ve been in here so long that I’ve moved on from music and gone right on to figuring out open heart surgery and DNA splicing. Hey, whatever passes the time. And if it’s one thing I got in here, it’s time.”

At press time, Highway was dismayed to find, upon inspection of his anal cavity, that he accidentally smuggled in a kazoo by mistake.

Aw, Shit: The Poser at My Job Just Told Me He Listens To Hardcore Punk

BY JOSE BALDERAS

The one nice perk about having a soul-crushing office job is casual Friday. Especially when it’s cool enough that I can wear my leather jacket with my carefully curated pins of bands nobody at my work has ever heard of. It makes me feel superior, it doesn’t matter how much they are paid, they have never been exposed to Drain. But the worst fucking part of my job is Travis. After spotting a few of my pins he had to quietly whisper to me that he’s into “hardcore punk” but it’s not something he wants to let everyone know because everyone would be shocked.

No, they wouldn’t, Travis. Because no one believes you. After being interrupted every time I ask what band he’s into he keeps saying “just some hardcore stuff, man. Like, really hardcore. You wouldn’t believe it. I look like this here but I listen to crazy stuff” Ok, untuck your T.J. Maxx tie and shirt set and fucking spill it, asshole. I’m just trying to fill up my water bottle that has a Bad Religion sticker and all you did was point and go “That’s wild, man.” And I can tell shit is getting awkward because I keep asking you to give me a band recommendation and all you reply with is “think of the hardest song to play on Guitar Hero and stuff like that.” Bro, the hardest stuff in Guitar Hero was either Comic-Con metal shit or “The Devil Went Down To Georgia,” while that song fucking rips it isn’t what you want to classify as “hardcore punk”.

Travis bragged “all the shit I listen to was from Warped Tour 2018.” When I asked if he saw Knocked Loose play that year hesaid “no, but I saw some pretty hardcore stuff that year but I forgot their name because I was in the moshing pit all day with the moshers.” I’m about to call the cops for stolen valor, Travis Studebaker. I’m very close to it, as un-punk as that is. I think we need the justice system to properly hold him accountable.

You know what? Who gives a shit. If he’s into “hardcore punk” then let him be into it. Whatever he thinks it is. But I’m absolutely sending HR an anonymous tip after he said that the best bassist of all time is “the guy from that emo band, NOFX.”

Baby Boomer About To Give donotreply@homedepot.com Some Hard Truths

BY CASEY SMITH

HOUSTON — Local 68-year-old Harry Wilson is reportedly about to fire off another sternly worded email to donotreply@homedepot.com to complain about the store’s lackluster service, and supposed deals, embarrassed family members confirmed.

“These assholes simply refuse to listen, so I let them have it” Harry grumbled, pointing to a stack of printed emails he has sent to donotreply@homedepot.com over the past decade. “I fondly remember cussing out employees in person before the computer age made everyone a snowflake. I’m guessing ‘cancel culture’ also means I can’t call out a bogus BOGO deal when they see it. I’ve written multiple letters to my state representative as well, and I’m going to get this whole damn operation shut down.”

Home Depot Customer Service agent Eliza McCaskel, who he directly blamed for “a total bullshit lawnmower sale run by Obama voters” several years ago was the first to discover the expletive-laden emails.

“More often than not, we’d find ourselves quoting him or searching for ways to shoehorn his catchphrase ‘the goddamn rake’ into any conversation we have around the office,” McCaskel chuckled. “For Halloween, the office dressed like what we thought he’d look like in person, but the real winner was Gary, who wore a poster board of Harry’s LinkedIn profile after pulling extensive online research regarding our muse”.

Sociologist Wayne Provost, Ph. D., author of “Beyond The Lead Paint: Making Room for The Baby Boom,” has seen many cases such as Mr. Wilson’s in the past and addresses a few of their common issues in his book.

“Many Boomers have a sense of entitlement that has never been seen in any previous or subsequent generation, no matter how aggressively wrong they are,” said Provost. “With many boomers thinking the ‘customer is always right’, they’ve developed an attitude that firmly plants them in the center of the universe. Yes, the same generation that will claim previous generations are getting ‘participation trophies’ believe they deserve special treatment no matter how awful they’ll treat others.”

At press time, Wilson cut the interview short by noting he’s been on hold with the Publisher’s Clearing House Prize Patrol for the past hour.

“I Like the Strokes” and 10 Other Neutral Statements for When You Don’t Really Wanna Reveal Anything About Your Taste

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BY JOHN ADKINS | MAY 19, 2024

When you’ve got weird-ass taste, sometimes it’s easier to just go with the flow and try to get along with the teva-wearing normies at the backyard BBQ you reluctantly attended by keeping your opinions about Marquee Moon to yourself. To help you out, here are 10 neutral statements that’ll keep you from opening the can of worms that is your taste:

“Mmmm Yes I’ll Have Your Local IPA”

IPAs used to basically scream, “holy shit, this dude is like a bread-water sommelier!” but thanks to Peaky Blinder-lookin’ Father John Misty fans, they were ruined a long time ago. So now, an IPA reveals nothing about your taste except that you like to get drunk faster than your friends. But hey, if you wanna get funky with it, you can even chuck around the word “hops” to describe your IPA. Cuz what the fuck is a hop? No one knows! And if you’re talking to someone who ACTUALLY knows, you should probably get the hell out of that convo.

“Yeah, I Had a Radiohead Phase in College.”

Here’s a spiel (feel free to copy it word for word) in case you wanna provide any details about that super unique and special phase of your life: “What? Yeah. I WAS an English major. Switched to Psych and sociology though. My favorite Radiohead record? Oh for sure it’s gotta be “Kid A.” WAIT! “In Rainbows.” Gotta be “In Rainbows.” Yeah. And wow, Johnny Greenwood. That dude is GOOD at guitar. And he does music scores! Have you seen insert any Paul Thomas Anderson movie?”

“I Played Soccer Growing Up”

This is the kind of neutral statement you can drop into a conversation like one of those “grow-a-dinosaur” things that you plop into a glass of water. But instead of a limp, soggy dino, you get a limp, soggy conversation about childhood sports. Which is pretty much the same thing.

“I Buy All My Records at Barnes & Noble.”

The Barnes & Noble record section might be the last (and first) bastion of curating neutral taste. Plus, who doesn’t love buying a Lana Del Rey record with a frosty Frappuccino in your hand? And look over there! It’s a whole wall of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours!’

“I Mean, Come On, it’s The Beatles”

The ultimate “yeah, duh” of music. The only way you can mess this up is if you happen to be listening to a song that’s NOT the Beatles. In which case, you’re a stupid idiot person. Of course, there’s the off-chance that you run into a Beatles-hater. And in that case, you’ve entered a conversation with someone who enjoys the sound of their voice over pretty much anything else––buckle up for some hardcore listening!

“I Bet They’re AWESOME Live.”

Works for literally any band. Why? Because even if a band DOES suck live, no one wants to admit that they wasted their hard-earned moolah on a ticket to a Limp Bizkit cover band show where Bud Light seltzers cost 40 bucks a pop. So yeah. I bet they were AWESOME live.

“Man, They Totally Crushed the Mix on This Song!”

You don’t know what you’re talking about. They don’t know what you’re talking about. Ignorance is bliss, baby.

“Yeah, I DID Listen to All of Andre 3000’s Flute Record”

Chances are, you’re probably talking to someone who isn’t even aware that this album existed. All they know is that Andre 3000 sings “Hey Ya” from that video game “Just Dance 2” and that flutes are an instrument. And never the two shall meet. But they did. And If there were ever two things to cancel each other out, it’s Andre 3000 and a goddamn flute.

As Rick Rubin Says, “an Idea is an Idea”

While this might not be a REAL Rick Rubin quote, we’re pretty friggin’ sure that this is the kind of thing he would say in a podcast clip that ends up on your buddy Jeff’s Instagram story with a “mind-blown” emoji (and also a syringe emoji, quite inexplicably). But the point is, this quote is SO neutral that it might stop the whole conversation altogether. “An idea is an idea?” Where do you go from there? NOWHERE, DAMMIT! Unless, ya know, someone wants to talk about Rick Rubin and in that case, get ready to be even more confused.

“Haha yes! This IS a Nirvana T-Shirt. Good Eye!”

You know the one. The one with the smiley face and the tongue and the X’s for eyes. The one that’s permanently on sale at Target. Wait you’re telling me this is actually a Blink-182 shirt? Fuck.