Hard Digest May 17: Early Access Jawbreaker, Makeovers, Ed Hardy, Gambling, and More

‘90s Punk Fan Wondering When It’s Going To Be Cool To Mindlessly Hate Jawbreaker Again

BY JAMES KNAPP

OAKLAND, Calif. — Damien Pocket, a longtime “fan” of early ‘90s proto-emo outfit Jawbreaker, recently began wondering when it’s going to once again become accepted practice in the scene to viciously detest the band against all sense of reason or genuine feeling, needlessly outraged sources confirmed.

“I’ve been a huge Jawbreaker fan since the very beginning, which is why I’m starting to get confused about this new direction they’ve taken–the one where people don’t scream and spit at them at every opportunity,” explained Pocket with an expression on his face like that of a confused golden retriever. “Back in my day we used to go to Jawbreaker shows just to yell ‘sellout!’ a few times then go smoke Chesterfields outside of the venue. But kids these days are actually enjoying this music and not, in their words, ‘being petty bitches.’ That is not the scene that I remember.”

Jawbreaker guitarist Blake Schwarzenbach appeared oddly nostalgic for a time when he was actively hated by most people he met.

“Alas, those were the days. You just never feel more like a true artist than when you’re having misery and self-doubt hurled in your face on a nightly basis,” reflected Schwarzenbach. “But, of course we’ve put those days behind us. Oh sure, being reviled was all fun and games when we were spry young anarcho-beatniks. But we’ve got too many responsibilities now. Being hated is a full-time job.”

Clancy Rumlets, scene historian and author of the bestselling book “Sell This Out, Fuckface!”, detailed how vitriol towards artists can get refocused over time.

“There are always going to be people who are mad at bands they claim to love. We call this condition ‘being an obtuse dick.’ Let me know if you need me to sub that out for a non-sciency sounding term,” began Rumlets. “Odds are it’s never going to be cool to hate Jawbreaker again, but don’t you worry. There are always going to be places for people with no information and severe rage issues to vent that disdain. Shit, that’s Fox News’ entire business model.”

At press time, a bored Jawbreaker announced that they were thinking about recording a reggae album just to see if that stirred any shit up on Twitter.

The Next Cinderella? I Let Some Rats Give Me a Makeover

BY MATT HUSSER

Iwas looking through some mail I stole when I saw an invitation to the NYC Prince’s Ball, and realized it was tonight! I knew I was going to need a miracle if I was going to get ready in time—but I don’t got miracle money, so I went on Craigslist and found an ad for the ‘Turnpike Fairy Godmother’ who instructed me to meet her by the glowing dumpster behind the Rite Aide.

She checked my bag to make sure it contained the pseudoephedrine, handgun bullets, and seagull skeleton she needed for ‘the ritual,’ and told me to close my eyes. She opened the dumpster lid and I was immediately swarmed by rats who began tending to my hair and makeup. I felt like I was floating as a flurry of rodent paws got to work, cleaning my cuticles and applying a coat of nail polish.

I was introduced to my rat hairdresser for the evening, Gustavo, who delicately matted my hair into exquisite plaited dreadlocks. He was brilliant, weaving in chicken bones to give my hairdo some ‘oomph,’ and the grease gave my hair extra luster for the evening. I’d let him ratatouille me any day—in fact, I think I can still feel him rummaging around up there. That’s my Gustavo, always a tireless worker.

Now the rat that did my makeup, Quentin, I don’t know where he went to beauty school because he couldn’t blend for shit with his little rat feet. He scratched one of my corneas trying to do my eyeliner, and if it looks like there are rat tracks all over my foundation, that’s because there is. Three million rats in New York City, and I get the one rat that can’t contour? I still love you Quentin, say hello to your 700 children for me.

But my troubles all melted away when the rest of the rats returned, dragging my spectacular evening gown out of a sewer grate. “No,” I thought, “could it be?” It was! Lady Gaga’s meat dress from the 2010 MTV Music Video Awards! Now my hater-ass step sisters will tell you it’s gray and rancid, but they simply lack the taste to appreciate culinary-fashion fusion. You’d normally pay a fortune for a vintage, dry-aged statement piece like this.

Well, I must be off—my raccoon-drawn chariot is here, and I’ve got to pick up my glass slippers from a fishmonger who stole them off a corpse they dredged up in the harbor.

Mannequin Wearing Ed Hardy T-Shirt Starts Fight With Customer at Goodwill

BY MIKE MAHER 

HARTFORD, Conn. – Goodwill shopper Davis Canal suffered minor injuries during an unprovoked attack by a mannequin modeling the once-popular alpha male apparel line Ed Hardy, multiple sources who refused to step in and help confirmed.

“I was browsing the used DVDs for ‘Scrubs’ season 3, just minding my own, when I suddenly felt eyes on me,” Canal said, rewatching the incident on WorldStarHipHop.com. “I look up and see this mannequin with a shirt two sizes too small, just mean-mugging me. Out of nowhere, the display comes to life, calls me a bitch, and starts throwing wild haymakers. The last thing I saw before I got knocked unconscious was a Siamese tiger with dragon wings. I’m not sure if it was the punches or the Dior Sauvage that gassed me out, but I still can’t get the spray tan off my skin.”

Manager Andy St. Jean claims the mannequin has been trouble ever since he started wearing the Ed Hardy garment late last week.

”That shirt was actually dropped off with the owner still wearing it,” St. Jean said. “Apparently his girlfriend had enough of his bullshit, so she dumped his ass in the donation bin, then ran off with some dude in an Affliction shirt. We kept the Ed Hardy tee, while the boyfriend stole a girl’s ten-speed to chase after his ex. But I gotta say, that shirt is bad juju. When I opened the store this morning, I found Tiesto CDs scattered everywhere and women’s undergarments missing. I can’t even give this thing away. I mean, what the fuck does ‘Love Kills Slow’ even mean?”

Professor of Neuroscience at Yale Leslie Templeton explains the psychological effect of different types of clothing, taste, and trends notwithstanding.

“The douchebaggery Ed Hardy instantly evokes, even second-hand, doesn’t surprise me,” Templeton said. “Certain outfits have an effect known as ‘enclothed cognition’ on the wearer’s psychology – man, mannequin, or otherwise. Bright colors make you happier, more energetic. Darker colors de-stress you. I’m 76 years old and 98 pounds wet, but you put me in Ed Hardy streetwear and I will put you in a rear naked choke so fast you will have to hope you have time to tap. Then I’ll piss in that flower pot, roofie your Celsius drink, and punch a police horse in the dick just for kicks. It’s basic science.”

At press time, Canal said things would have been much worse if a pair of True Religion jeans hadn’t sprung from the racks and submitted the Ed Hardy mannequin with a leglock.

5 Easy Tips To Turn Your House Into a Home, Then Into an Unlicensed Drinking and Gambling Establishment

BY DOUG KOLIC 

Hurray! You’ve finally saved enough money working your shitty nine-to-five and numerous side hustles to afford a house. Your dad always said you were a loser and would probably end up dying alone in that basement apartment you rented by the freeway, and you were really starting to believe him, but you made it.

Owning property is only the first step. Here are five easy tips to transform those four walls and roof into an actual home, then into an illegal drinking and gambling establishment that you’ve wanted more than those kids your girlfriend pressured you into having:

Re-paint:
The most cost-effective way to turn a cold house into a warm home is to give it a fresh coat of paint. Updating room colors to match your favorite design trend is a great starting point that can lead seamlessly from your living room into your hidden pub and cockfighting ring that the authorities know nothing about.

New furniture:
Adding furniture to your new space can elicit happy feelings. A comfy couch or a breakfast nook are great pieces to add right before you spend the lion’s share of your cash on bar stools made from blackmarket rhino horns that you get from your shady Eastern European connect.

Make it smell like a home:
Fill your new home with scents that bring calm to your life. Always displaying freshly cut flowers or strong scented candles are great ways to bring inspiration to a dormant house, which is also important to mask the odor of those gamecocks ripping each other apart. You’d be surprised how bad rooster blood smells.

Meet your neighbors:
Being surrounded by people you trust is important for feeling comfortable. Meeting neighbors can fill the void if you miss your old neighborhood, and also can play an important role if one of them ever thinks of ratting your new boozecan out, so you’ll know who to target for revenge.

Host a cookout:
Inviting old friends and new neighbors over for a classic American BBQ is a great way to make fresh memories. And now that you have a pretty good idea it was Rick from across the street who’s been snooping around, you’ll have the perfect opportunity to pull him aside and calmly threaten to show his wife the photos of him passed out with that prostitute that you staged after drugging him, if he doesn’t shut his dumb trap up.

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Indie Developer Discovers His Game Crossed Over With Castlevania Whilst He Slept

BY THOMAS WILDE 

SEATTLE – Indie developer Jason McNeil announced that his upcoming debut video game, Cozy Couch Quest, will receive a special Castlevania DLC, although he’s not sure why or how.

“I woke up last week and it was on my Steam page, fully compatible and licensed and everything,” McNeil tells Hard Drive. “I never even got an email about it. It’s just there now. My game isn’t even out yet.”

McNeil, a former programmer at Microsoft, has worked on Cozy Couch Quest in his free time for the last 5 years. He describes the game as a “chill, low-stakes RPG” about a brother and sister on an adventure to furnish their family estate with the most comfortable furniture in the world.

“I had to buy the Castlevania DLC to see what was in it,” McNeil says. “It adds a bunch of lo-fi versions of classic music, some posters, a pet Medusa Head, and Dracula’s throne from Symphony of the Night. You can even invite a bunch of different Belmonts over for a board game party. It’s all cool as hell.”

“But I didn’t actually have anything to do with this,” McNeil added. “I emailed [original Castlevania developer] Konami about it and they sent me a .pdf of a contract I’d signed, with a photo of me in a meeting at Konami’s headquarters at Tokyo. I’ve never been to Tokyo. All the other faces in that photo are blacked out. What is happening?”

Cozy Couch Quest is the latest game to feature a Castlevania brand crossover, following collaborations with Dead Cells, V Rising, and later this year, Dead by Daylight. Castlevania itself has been on hiatus for a decade, but following the recent success of its 5-season animated adaptation on Netflix, it’s found new success as a crossover property.

“We’ve seen this before,” says Arthur Gilles, a researcher for the Video Game History Foundation. “Whenever characters from one game guest star in another, it inevitably weakens their ability to stay in one franchise. Over time, this can result in unintended behavior such as streetwear brands, new ultra-rare drops in mobile gacha games, or becoming a Fortnite skin.”

Gilles continues, “Many researchers call this phenomenon Shovel Knight Syndrome, but we consider Capcom’s DarkStalkers series to be its patient zero.”

Software engineers are currently searching for a cure. In the meantime, however, game developers are advised to stay on the lookout for sudden unplanned crossovers. Potential symptoms include new assets appearing in the project folder overnight, particular songs coming to mind, or being Twitter friends with Edward McMillen.

“I guess it’s not that big of a deal,” McNeil says. “I’m not great at marketing, so any exposure is more than I had. Look for the silver lining, right?”

At press time, McNeil noted that several Cozy Couch Quest-themed cosmetic skins in Among Us had debuted without his knowledge at some point in the last 3 weeks.

EA Clarifies No Need to See Ads in Games if You Just Subscribe to Their Patreon

BY JACK H. 

REDWOOD CALIFORNIA- After revealing on a financial call that EA is preparing to introduce advertisements in their games, EA CEO Andrew Wilson held a press conference to clarify their next gaming innovation.

“We are very excited to announce that Electronic Arts is now on Patreon. Gamers can now enjoy their favorite games ad free while being able to directly support their favorite executives behind those projects.”

Wilson went on to describe the different subscription tiers being offered.

“Subscriptions will range from the $10 Base Tier to the $100 Ultimate Tier. The Base Tier will include ad-free gaming. The $25 Deluxe tier includes the base tier perks and just enough free FIFA Ultimate Team packs to get you addicted. The $100 Ultimate Tier will include everything found in the lower tiers and as well as let you conduct the zoom meeting breaking the news to a beloved indie developer that their entire team is being laid off.”

After a brief statement the floor was opened for questions, where Wilson was asked why they decided to introduce the Patreon.

“Gamers want ad free experiences in their video games, we understand that. The Patreon seemed like the easiest way to provide that to them. We pride ourselves on being able to give our customers what they want, which is we plan to open a dialogue so Patrons can communicate to us what they want in games. They can provide valuable information that allows us to make great games. The Patreon allows us to ask, ‘What dormant franchise do you want us to bring back? What do you think of this Patreon exclusive cosmetic? What websites do you visit often? What products do you often buy? What is your age, gender and geographical location?’ All of that vital information will allow us to bring them the games they are looking for.”

When asked why they made the move to ads in the first place, Wilson explained the economics behind the move,

“Look times are tough right now, Amazon Prime Video just introduced ads to their shows. Do you really think Jeff Bezos would do that if he weren’t struggling financially? Us in the C-Suite have families too, secret second families even, and I’ll be dead in the ground before either of them have to swim in a pool without an infinity edge.”

When asked if the Patreon subscription would be included in the upcoming $150 “Hesiman Edition” of NCAA Football 25 Wilson quickly stated, “absolutely not.”