Hard Digest May 16: Early Access Sobriety, Song Meanings, Mars Volta, and More

Punk Proud of Favorite Artist’s Sobriety Until He Credits It to God

BY JOSH BAUMGART

NEW ORLEANS — Ian McSeamus, the infamous frontman of the punk band Ghost Chode, announced that he is celebrating six months of sobriety which drew a huge reaction until he attributed the accomplishment to his faith in Jesus Christ, confused sources confirmed.

“I was really happy the guy got clean, I know he’s had a lot of trouble over the years and if he kept going down this path he was going to be dead soon,” said longtime fan Dana Owens. “But the God thing really rubbed me the wrong way. Where was God the first time Ian overdosed because he shot too much junk into his scrotum? And I’m pretty sure this new sobriety has more to do with part of the plea deal he made after he was caught shitting in a Slurpee machine at a 7-Eleven after attempting to rob the place.”

The other members of Ghost Chode are split on whether or not this new religious influence is a positive thing for McSeamus.

“All that’s really changed for me is the pre-show meeting, we used to all huddle up and do as many shots of Jameson as humanly possible, now we huddle up and Ian leads us in prayer while I think about how much Jameson I want to drink,” said bassist, “Thirsty” Joe Barbano. “And he started hosting bible studies in the tour van, which sort of sucks because it attracts our dorkiest fans. I want to hang out with people who deal crank, not some 30-year-old loser who still has a bedtime But of course I can’t really say anything or Ian make me ride on the roof again.”

One music historian warned of the consequences realigning your beliefs may have on an artist’s staying power.

“It can be tough when you find God and clean themselves up,” shared Davey Belkin. “A lot of musicians and artists find religion late in their careers. Some are sober or religious and make great stuff, others fall off pretty hard. Look at Kanye West, Chance The Rapper, Alice Cooper, Dave Mustaine, even Beiber, all converted and put out some of their worst material. Almost as if a book telling you how to think and behave isn’t great for creativity. I’ve heard the labels have a phrase for it: “once you go Christ, career gets iced.” Not a lot of people saying, ‘Remember George Harrison’s Hare Krishna song? That should’ve been on “Abbey Road.”’ But hey, they can always do the state fair circuit around the Midwest.”

McSeamus also announced on Twitter he would no longer be performing the bands’ hit song “Christ Can Eat My Cock.”

Stoned Mars Volta Fan Unaware He’s Been Listening to Locked Groove on Frances the Mute Vinyl for Two Hours

BY ERIC DEGLIOMINI 

CHICAGO — Local stoner Zach Murray, who recently purchased a vinyl glow-in-the-dark copy of The Mars Volta’s sophomore album “Frances the Mute,” is reportedly unaware that he’s been listening to a locked groove at the end of side B for two full hours.

“The sound collages that play in between songs give a rich texture to the album’s overarching narrative. Anyone listening to the radio edits is missing out,” said Murray 45 minutes into listening to a looping 6-second sample of chirping birds. “It’s sad that most people have burnt out their attention spans to the point where they can’t appreciate a beautiful song if it’s over five minutes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a third hit out of this Rube Goldberg-looking bong in hopes that it will top off the shred of lucidity that remains.”

This isn’t the first time this happened to Murray, according to his girlfriend Valarie Correa.

“When he first got the record he told me to come over because I had to check out something called ‘Cassandra Gemini.’ I thought it was a new weed strain he found, but it turned out to be a fucking 32-minute-long song he made me listen to. I thought about breaking up with him after hearing the line ‘behind the snail’s secretion, there’s a dry heave that absorbs,’ but he started getting sleepy after a guitar riff started looping a few minutes later. He suspected something was up but when he eventually walked over to the turntable, he zoned out looking at the needle on the glow-in-the-dark record not hitting the runout groove and eventually fell asleep.”

Mars Volta guitarist and principal songwriter Omar Rodriguez-Lopez confirmed that this is an intended effect.

“Yeah, we knew after the first record that stoner prog guys were going to try to force their girlfriends to listen to this 70+ minute concept record loosely about our recently deceased bandmate in one go without any context,” said Rodriguez-Lopez while burying a cursed Ouija board. “We put the locked grooves there to tucker them out, that way their partners could air the weed smell out the apartment while they slept. Works like a charm.”

At press time, Murray reportedly broke his record player after repeatedly trying to get the decorative etching on the F side of the third record to play a track he insisted was hidden there.

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Perfectly Organized Desk Allows Total Focus on Work Deadline That Passed Hours Ago

BY MATT SAINCOME 

Home Office – A perfectly organized, hyper-optimized personal work space inside Tommy Garner’s apartment will allow him to totally focus on a work deadline which passed by hours ago, sources still scrolling amazon for work optimization tools and gadgets, confirmed.

“I have this new desktop dry erase board, it also charges my phone,” Garner said as angry Slack messages from team members wondering where the hell he is pinged him over and over again. “I can make a to-do list there and then when I’m done with something, I cross it off – all while charging my phone, which was also on my to-do list. So that’s two things I’m checking off.”

Garner’s new snail mail organization system, which has perfectly labeled shelves for “unopened” “opened and unimportant” and “opened and important” mail was reportedly put together during a zoom call he was supposed to attend about the deadline he missed.

“Right next to the mail shelving unit I have this new digital clock, it also charges my phone,” Garner said. “Almost every device on my work station now charges my phone and allows me to create to-do lists, it’s great.”

A stream deck positioned very neatly across from Garner’s keyboard had a variety of pre-programmed work optimization buttons, which he said allowed him to be more productive.

“This one opens up all my emails, this one checks the news, and watch if I push this one it’ll open up all my slack messages in perfectly sized windows,” Garner said before hitting the button and crossing an item that said ‘Slack’ off three nearby to-do lists. “Hold on I missed all of these messages. Oh god. Oh boy, ok I need you guys to get out of here.”

Experts in work optimization confirm that work from home employees can benefit from spending 40-50% of their time every day creating a well-organized personal space to focus.

“What you really want to do is wake up every day with a routine,” said work from home expert Sally Liang. “The first thing you’ll need is an air duster and 5 pounds of universal dust cleaner gunk – the play doh-like stuff you can rub on your keyboard. Then you want to get a nice environmentally friendly spray cleaner for the entire surface area of your desk – and a special screen-friendly cloth for your monitor. Use each of these while also sorting through all of your junk mail, and make sure you tick each thing off your whitebox to-do list as you complete them. This should just about bring you to the end of the day when it’s time to pack up and hit it again tomorrow.”

As of press time the project Garner had missed deadline on had been canceled as executives pivoted to a different doomed, short-sighted cash grab.

Indie Studio Now Classified as AAA After Laying off 50% of Staff

BY MATT FRESH 

TORONTO — Indie game studio Rongo has moved up in the industry as it is now being classified as a AAA studio after 50% of the staff have been laid off.

Rongo founder and CEO Hunter Bishop excitedly announced the upgrade to the studio.

“It’s every indie studio’s dream to one day become a AAA juggernaut. Some studios go decades without ever growing past Indie and my team is so talented I knew they deserved to become known as AAA devs as quickly as possible,” explained Bishop. “In the old days you would have to toil away for years making games of increasing budget and scope but these days all the AAA studios seem to do is lay people off so I just copied that. As soon as I finished cutting off people’s fobs to get in the building my inbox was flooded by other AAA CEOs congratulating me on guiding my studio to the next level. Phil Spencer even sent me a lovely fruit basket.”

Bishop explained that the rationale behind the move was to reward his dev team.

“This studio wouldn’t be where it is without the talent and passion of everyone who worked here for so long. I wouldn’t be where I am without them. It is those devs who got my studio to where it is now and I wish them all well in their future endeavors.”

Employees were caught off guard by the layoffs but were happy to see the studio reach the next level.

“When I came into work and my fob wasn’t working I feared the worst,” said character artist John Lowry. “So many of us were just unceremoniously let go at once that I really thought we got bought out by Embracer or Microsoft. But once I heard that our lay offs led to the studio becoming AAA I was relieved. I’ve been here since day one and always dreamed of one day being AAA, I’m glad it finally happened. Sucks it happened this way but I’m sure I’ll get another job, game dev is a pretty stable industry.”

At press time, Bishop is planning on introducing sexual harassment to the studio to further solidify its AAA status.