Hard Digest May 15: Israel Aid, Early Access FAFSA, Dad's, Drivers, and More

Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government Funding

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

QUINCY, Mass. — Members of the Massachusetts Teachers Association are reportedly making plans to launch an all-out attack on Gaza in order to get some shred of government funding, bespectacled sources confirmed.

“Our teachers are tired of spending their own money on standard supplies. Taxpayers expect their money to go to schools and roads, but instead we are sending money to people halfway across the world so they can commit war crimes,” said union rep Trish O’Connell. “We’ve come to the logical conclusion that the only way to get government funding is to commit war crimes ourselves. We wish it didn’t have to come to this, most of us have never fired a gun, we don’t look like soldiers, and flying that far is going to make us jet lagged for days if not weeks. But it’s the only way our members will get any support from the Biden administration.”

Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.

“I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery. “I’m really curious just how quickly the U.S. war machine will provide us with weapons, because the U.S. education machine is in pieces on the floor, and teachers are paying for the repairs.”

President Joe Biden saluted the brave teachers and their decision.

“Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden. “I’m going to send an extra billion dollars over there to motivate more people to join these brave teachers. Go to Israel and see what the American government can really do. And let’s not forget they won’t have to pay for healthcare over there thanks to our taxpayer dollars.”

At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.

New FAFSA Forms Simply Asks Students “Do You Ski?”

BY SARAH CORTINA 

WASHINGTON —The Department of Education announced that next year’s FAFSA application will be simplified to only ask students “Do you ski?” after a tumultuous rollout of the 2024 forms, insiders confirmed.

“We really screwed the pooch here. It’s bad. Like really bad. I mean, it’s crazy that we even got a new form to get approved by Congress. I mean, yeah, some kids this year might not be able to go to college because we couldn’t get our system figured out, but not everyone has to go to get higher education,” Justin Draeger, the president and CEO of the National Association of Student Financial Aid Administrators. “Welders are making six figures, and college grads are making $20 an hour. Anyways, this question pretty easily signifies if you grew up upper middle class. We were debating between this one, ‘Where do you buy your groceries?’ and ‘Where are you going for spring break?’ but the good old ski culture won out in the end.”

High school seniors across the country admit the new form is much easier, but has it’s own drawbacks.

“I asked my dad if I should fill out the FAFSA form, and he said no, because they just made it one bullshit question,” said Jason Smith, a Colorado native who was denied federal funding. “I’m just confused. Everyone else in Vail grew up skiing, we’re just like every other family. Like, my skis are literally so old. And I only get to buy a new winter coat every two years. This is actually prejudiced against me.”

Some have taken issue with the new move, including Anne Mason, 71.

“Kids these days have it too easy. Oh, you want a simpler student loan form? When I was going to college, we didn’t even have FAFSA. We had to pay the full $800 tuition per year all by ourselves, and pay any loans off for the next 6-12 months after we graduated,” said Mason while paying her teenage neighbor $5 to mow the lawn in front of her $1.1M home. “And frankly, the ‘ski question’ is insulting to those of us who feel that skiing is an important part of our culture.”

As of press time, government officials are now reportedly planning to use this simplified approach in the Presidential election, asking candidates the question “Did you or someone you love do something illegal?”

Progress! This Conservative Dad Just Called His Trans Daughter a “Fucking Bitch”

BY MIMI KENNY 

Think older generations are forever set in their ways? Think again! When 57-year-old Scott Kessler’s 26-year-old daughter Vanya first came out to him as a trans woman, the Fox News devotee and self-proclaimed “anti-woke warrior” was initially resistant. But that all changed when, at a family dinner, he referred to her by a profane and, most importantly, female-specific term that everyone in the restaurant could hear.

“It was Mom’s birthday, so we went out for a nice dinner, which, to Dad, means the shitty LongHorn Steakhouse 10 minutes from their place,” Vanya said.”He was complaining about how they fucked up his sirloin and saying that somebody should’ve picked another place. That’s when I said we tried but he wouldn’t listen, and he threw his silverware on the table and yelled, “No, you listen, you fucking bitch!’ I had to go cry some tears of joy in the bathroom. Granted, pretty much the entire floor was covered in piss.”

And just in case anyone thinks he was being performatively chauvinistic, he repeated himself several times over, even when his daughter wasn’t in earshot!

“Right after Vanya had excused herself, Dad kept going on about what an ungrateful bitch she was being,” older brother Colton said. “He was clearly struggling not to misgender her like usual. I swear, towards the end of his rant, I heard him mutter.’Who the hell does she think she is?”

After Scott went to tell their server how he was being generous by tipping eight percent for her ‘unexceptional hospitality,’ matriarch Robyn spoke to her significant other’s ability to still surprise her after more than three decades together.

“When Vanya was growing up, Scott used to call her ‘a weird little fruit’ and say she had ‘better man up and stop crying’ on a weekly basis. So, I certainly wasn’t expecting him to refer to her by the same term he does to me when I ask him to maybe stop spending two grand a month on DraftKings,” Robyn said. “My past few birthdays have been pretty unpleasant for reasons not worth getting into. But at least he’s using his petulance and regressive attitude for some kind of good.”

What an arc! He might not be calling Vanya by her actual name anytime soon, but he’s clearly found room in his heart to be misogynistic and emotionally abusive in a whole new way.

Surprising Study Finds Drivers from State Neighboring Your State Are the Worst Drivers

BY PATRICK COYNE 

NEW YORK — An alarming scientific study has discovered that the absolute worst drivers in the US are almost exclusively from whichever state or states happen to border your own, road rage-addled sources confirmed.

“The impetus for the study came from my observation that whenever some dingus was tailgating or turning without a signal, they always had New Jersey plates. Then another researcher from New York expressed a similar frustration with Pennsylvania drivers,” said Dr. Tasha Martin. “We began testing by placing several mice in tiny little cars. Some rodents were given cheesesteaks and taught to shout ‘go birds’ at random intervals. Others were given Springsteen records and had their hair teased up with ungodly amounts of hair spray. Without fail, the mice began acting aggressively towards one another, making ‘jerk off’ motions with their paws and sometimes retrieving a cute little tire iron from their trunks and smashing another mouse’s windshield.”

Virginia Beach traffic cop Alan Myers knows firsthand the frustration of out-of-state drivers.

“I built much of my career harassing these piece of crap tourists. It’s so frustrating the way they come here in droves every summer and support small businesses,” said Myers. “Luckily for us, nailing these goons for moving violations because they don’t know our weird and arbitrary laws is easier than arresting a homeless guy for sleeping on a bench. Adjusting the radio volume without a broadcasting license? That’s a ticket. Counting to 3 seconds using ‘alligator’ instead of ‘Mississippi’ at a stop sign? That’s a ticket. Conducting a Chinese fire drill without notifying the PRC consulate? You guessed it, ticket.”

Sociologist Monica Villerael posits that this interstate tension is not limited to automobile traffic.

“Human beings are very tribal and seemingly ready to fight over any trivial thing – from sports fandom to opinions on who is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. It’s ridiculous though, as the obvious answer is ‘The Honky Tonk Man,’” said Villarreal. “But fighting among various states has always been present. Oklahoma hates Texas, Indiana hates Illinois, and of course, everyone hates California. Yet, only once has it actually boiled over into actual violence and destruction. That’s how we ended up losing the former US state of East Kentucky.”

Currently Dr. Martin is studying the alleged connection between pickup truck drivers and the inability to remove their heads from their own rectal cavities.

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Warner Bros. Reveals First Look at Next Looney Tunes Movie to be Scrapped

BY MATT FRESH 

BURBANK, Calif. — Warner Bros. excited shareholders this week by showing off the first official look at The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie which is slated as the next Looney Tunes movie to be scrapped for tax purposes.

The image was revealed alongside a press release from Warner Bros. CEO and avid scrapped film lover David Zaslav.

“It brings me great pleasure to show off the first look at what was planned to be the first fully animated theatrical Looney Tunes movie. This studio was born out of these cartoons and its existence will continue to flourish because of the tax write-offs that scrapping their movies brings us. I have no doubt that this image will excite fans and filmgoers who will look forward to finally seeing a new Looney Tunes film in theaters and that excitement will translate into immense profit once we throw it in the bin.”

Warner Bros. Chief Content Strategist Carla Phelps explained the strategy to show off a first look at a film they plan to never release.

“The key to all of this is the algorithm. You see the algorithm sees all and knows all. There is no greater film analyst than the algorithm. All the executives here at Warner Bros. get together weekly to pray to it,” said Phelps. “Our internal algorithm determines if a movie our studio is making is worth releasing or not. Then once the decision is made we release a first look for a final test. If enough people react positively to it then the algorithm decides how much we should write it off for when we cancel it. If enough people react negatively to it then the algorithm decides on when we should release it.” 

David Zaslav further elaborated on the algorithm used to determine that the upcoming Looney Tunes film will be scrapped. 

“It’s actually just a wheel I have in my office filled with movies I don’t like or understand. There’s a running pool in the office over which movie it will land on next. It actually landed on The Hunt for Gollum but enough people reacted with skepticism to it so we put it on the release schedule and I spun again. I love my job. Movies suck.”

At press time, inside sources report that Zaslav’s wheel consists of mostly Looney Tunes films.

Report: Entire 2024 U.S. Presidential Election Effectively a High-Level ‘Worms: Armageddon’ Match

BY THOMAS WILDE 

WASHINGTON DC – The 2024 US presidential election has become what one report, supported by publicly disclosed medical records, is calling effectively just a high-level Worms: Armageddon match.

The initial report came from a controversial “60 Minutes” interview with the parasite responsible for eating part of candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain in 2010.

“I’m not a ‘brainworm.’ I’m a Worm. Very common mistake,” said “Scuzzy,” in an exaggerated Brummie accent. “My mates and I found our ways in there, we did, after old Robbie dug up his N64 one rainy March morning. Didn’t eat nothing, but we were a bit naughty with some rockets. Explains a lot, don’t it?”

The interview led to widespread demand for other candidates to submit to voluntary testing, which many did in an attempt to acquire material for sick Twitter burns. Subsequently, a shocking number of politicians, including both President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump, tested positive.

“Obviously, this is new territory,” said secretary of health Xavier Becerra in a press conference on May 9. “We’ve discovered that what President Biden has long thought was his stutter was in fact the result of his Worms calling in supply drops and airstrikes. Many of his recent gaffes and physical mishaps can be seen as the natural consequence of his skull hosting a 4v4 tournament match. It’s all very distracting.”

While Worms are naturally considered a parasite, experts say they are considered largely benign. Sufferers report conditions of brain fog, difficulty with basic geometry, and a complete inability to aim the Ninja Rope.

When asked for his opinion on his Worms infestation at a Nevada rally on May 11, Trump only mentioned the superior quality of his Worms vs. those of opposing candidates.

“Worms! They call them worms, have you seen this?” Trump said, momentarily walking away from the podium and doing a physical imitation of a worm to rapturous applause. “It used to be that if you had a worm in your apple you got rid of the apple, right? Remember that? Well, Biden doesn’t just have a worm in his apple, he has one in his head. Wormy Biden has worms in his head, an open border, and if he wanted an apple it’d cost twice as much as it used to. Other than that I say he’s doing pretty good though, right?”

“I have worms too. I do. I do, your honor,” Trump added, pretending to be handcuffed. “But my worms helped me. I know all the best worms and they work for me. And people know that’s the kind of thinking this country needs.”

Legal scholars note that Worms are technically British citizens, as they were created by Team 17 in Wakefield, UK. In theory, this would disqualify all leading candidates from the presidency by dint of being influenced if not controlled by foreign nationals.

“What’re you going to do, though?” asked Pod Save America co-host Jon Favreau. “Vote for a third-party candidate with this much on the line? No, I’m sticking with Worms Biden.”

In response, Green Party presidential nominee Dr. Jill Stein released a statement that she had been extensively tested and was found to be entirely free of Worms. This caused a brief jump in her polling numbers that was quickly counteracted by the discovery that she had instead been colonized by Lemmings.

About Time: Mayor of Silent Hill Buys Dehumidifier

BY NAOMI KRAUSE 

SILENT HILL, ME – Earlier this week, head of Silent Hill government Mira the dog made the announcement that the city has finally purchased a dehumidifier to deal with the area’s problematic fog.

The good girl held a press conference on Monday morning to elaborate.

“It’s a massive public safety issue, with approximately 60% of inbound traffic driving off the road and becoming stuck in purgatory,” said Mira to the one journalist who wasn’t sucked into the Otherworld on the drive in. “But it really is a beautiful town. Sad to say nobody can see that without being blocked by a wall of smoke and negative Yelp reviews. We try to clear up the latter, it’s about time we did the same to the former.”

With the city’s annual tax revenue of four dollars, the public works department was able to find a dehumidifier on Craigslist that only took 11 years off of the budget. The item was purchased from Sam Bartlett, former mayor of nearby Shepherd’s Glen who listed the equipment as ‘slightly used’ and said they just want to avoid being ‘buried alive’ in maintenance.

Residents, meanwhile, appear optimistic about the acquisition.

“Took ‘em long enough,” said local religious and homeowner association leader Dahlia Gillespie. “If I have to perform one more exsanguination where I can’t make out who’s in front of me, it’s gonna be hell to pay. We worship the Sun god for crying out loud, it’d be nice to see him once in a blue moon without having to eat a baby.”

“Let’s be honest, our tourism industry has taken a bit of a dip,” continued Mira. “Most of our visitors are despondent widowers, their demon children and aliens we don’t talk about. The few who make it in aren’t treated very well by locals, which is an attitude we need to work on. Rest assured, this is just the first step towards a brighter future for our beloved home.”

It remains to be seen how the project will pan out, but it’s a safe bet that the dehumidifier was probably actually dead the entire time.