Hard Digest May 14: Early Access Pop-Tarts, Drinking Buddies, Punk Prom, and More

Study Shows Millennials Have Eaten Enough Pop -Tarts And Bagel Bites To Completely Preserve Their Bodies Up To 100 Years After Death

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN 

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A recent study from Stanford University concluded that millennials have eaten enough Pop-Tarts and Bagel Bites to completely preserve their bodies up to 100 years after death without intervention.

“I grew up eating frozen food you could cook in a microwave in less than 3 minutes, so it’s wild to hear that those poor decisions would result in a super gorgeous corpse,” says millennial Kelsey Greene. “As a ‘90s kid, I’d get home from school and gorge myself on Bagel Bites, Hot Pockets, and Cheez-Its, then wash it all down with a tropical punch Capri Sun. This was way before we knew how much Red40, preservatives and hormones were being pumped into those snacks, and well before that time when they found a rat in a Capri Sun pouch. I used to think Pop-Tarts were healthy because they had a strawberry filling–I had no idea I was ingesting formaldehyde the whole time. I guess it’ll be nice to get a deal on after death services, though. I’m still paying off my student loans so I need all the breaks I can get.”

Molecular biologist Sonia Heraldo explained that the diet of a millennial child was akin to a chihuahua taking elephant tranquilizers.

“It took a couple of decades to see the effect of preservatives on the human body, but now it’s glaringly obvious,” Heraldo said. “I mean, have you seen that haunting photo of the ‘Cheers’ cast? That entire cast was in their mid-thirties, which is insane when you think about what a millennial looks like today. Genetically speaking, millennials have not aged normally, and have more in common with a plastic bucket than a human being. In fact, the number of microplastics found in their bloodstream guarantees that their bodies will be preserved for up to a full century after they die. It’s quite incredible. Just imagine what archaeologists will be able to learn from these exquisitely fossilized bodies thousands of years from now!”

Mortician Jasmine Kargas described a recent millennial cadaver that came into her practice after a car accident as “handsome.”

“Even after the traumatic physical event the body endured, his organs remained perfectly intact, like the kind you’d see in a textbook,” Kargas said. “Thank god we knew what caused his death, otherwise there would be no rational explanation. I didn’t even need to apply makeup to the body, except to cover up the huge gash left by a piece of windshield lodged into the left side of his head. To be honest, the corpse looked beautiful—like an Evanescence album cover or a Renaissance painting. Even with exposure to the elements, I think this generation’s bodies will outlive us all.”

As of press time, Greene declined to adopt a vegan diet as she felt the food from her childhood was one of the “only good hands she’d ever been dealt.”

Is This Guy My Friend or Were We Just Drunk in the Same Location During Formative Years?

BY JOSH BAUMGART 

Whoa, what a night. Always good to catch up with the old crew when I’m back in town. Glad we could all get together for an event without getting completely wrecked. We must finally be maturing. Jonesy was weird though. Weird and standoffish. I wonder what got into him. He wasn’t always like that, at least from what I remember.

Come to think of it, we do only see each other once a year now, and every time is drinking at a concert, drinking at a bachelor party, drinking at bars. And without a TV actively showing sports, conversation can get a bit rough. Matter of fact, have I ever hung out with Jonesy sober? He didn’t even remember my wife’s name. Why couldn’t he make it to the wedding again? Something about a once in lifetime comedy cruise deal? Does he know anything about me? Hold up, is this guy an asshole?

Maybe we’re just going through a rough patch. That’s natural among good buddies right? But why did he have to bring up that time I got too high and cried at the tree scene in Avatar 3D? It’s been years and I had almost lived that down. That was kind of obnoxious. Was he always like this? Surely not. And he wouldn’t shut up about his kids and podcasts about “stoned ape theory.” We had so much in common when we used to drink Four Loco in his parents’ garage, and we used to go to all those house parties together, and we were really tight in college when we used to go out to Tequila Tuesdays at the Lizard Lounge.

We did have some good times though. I mean, the guy’s a staple of my formative years. Remember when I got so smashed and he just dropped me off on my front doorstep? Man, my parents were pissed. Or when I left town and he got everyone to call me Shitty Slicker when I came back for Christmas? Or back in the day when we got caught smoking that J and he ran and left me to deal with the cops? What a hilari—wait a minute? Is this guy really my friend? Or was he the only guy who liked to get drunk and listen to the same bands as me?

Punk Pins Corsage Through Prom Date’s Nose

BY MIKE MAHER

LOWELL, Mass. — Mercy High School punk Theo “Gerbil” Barnes unwittingly eschewed prom tradition when he pinned a corsage through his date Julee Santoro’s nose instead of her dress, repulsed sources close to the rogue romantic said.

“I’ve never been to prom. Or school. And I don’t know what a corsage is, but I’m really good with the pins and needles part,” Barnes said. “Once, I stitched an entire His Hero Is Gone backpatch out of dryer lint and nail clippings. Since Julee’s dress was short, strapless, backless, sleeveless and basically material-less, I did what any punk would do and pierced that corsage right through her cute button nose. She looked gorgeous, but man, what a bleeder! And deathly allergic to carnations, apparently. But once Julee regained consciousness, I got the biggest, bloodiest kiss ever. With tongue!”

Admitting the gesture was equally thoughtful and brainless, Santoro was still smitten with Barnes.

“Sure, Gerbil could have gone with a wrist corsage instead of using my nose as a pin cushion, but I know how much my stabby little love muffin enjoys sharp objects,” Santoro said, still bleeding profusely from the face. “It took 24 tries, but once the corsage was attached I felt like a princess! Then I felt light headed and sneezed blood everywhere until collapsing…right into my hero’s arms. To repay Gerbil for nearly ending then saving my life, I pinned his boutonniere. His leather tux was already covered in patches, so the only place left to stick it was through his peehole Prince Albert-style. Twinning!”

School nurse slash chaperone Tiff Thorndike recapped being the first and only responder at the prom bloodbath.

”Full transparency, I’m not a medically trained or licensed nurse,” Thorndike confessed. “But I’m great at not helping kids, so Mercy keeps me around. Zero expertise aside, Julee’s nose was super infected. So I sterilized the gash with Gerbil’s rotgut whisky, then chugged the rest because fuck my job and my life. Then I jammed a tampon up Julee’s snout. She bled like Jesus wept, so I went XL with a maxi pad. But hey, I did my job. Wait, maybe I’m a real nurse after all!? Suck it, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman!”

At press time, the chivalrous Barnes draped his leather jacket over a puddle of his own vomit so Santoro wouldn’t slip on the dancefloor.

Detective Stumped by Homicide Begins Trying Random Shit From Inventory

BY PATRICK OCONNELL 

DETROIT (MI) — Investigators are reportedly trying random garbage in their inventory to solve the murder of Travis Purcell, 32, the apparent victim of a brutal decapitation, according to an official statement.

This morning, Detective Michael Clark of Detroit PD’s homicide unit spoke to reporters about the authorities’ rush to beat the clock.

“At this point in the investigation, we have no suspects or potential motives. The culprit was thorough in covering their tracks and left very little evidence. However, while we might say that we are stumped, Detroit’s finest are relentless in their efforts to bring Travis Purcell’s killer to justice,” he said. “We have already begun the standard procedure of combining random shit from our inventory until a solution presents itself.”

The detective then presented a rubber duck and a canopener from the victim’s apartment out of his pocket, held them together, said, “hmm no dice,” then put them back in. He then pulled out that same rubber duck with a chinese take-out menu, said, “I don’t think that’s what rubber ducks are for,” and put them both in his pocket.

“It’s unfortunate but a lot of cases go unresolved for years this way,” said former Commissioner Suzanne Macklin. “Investigators try to be as thorough as they can but getting into the mind of a psychopath is incredibly difficult. Often times detectives won’t think to combine used chewing gum and dental floss to create a make-shift fishing line then using that fishing line to retrieve a key from a nearby claw machine until years after the case turns cold.”

Towards the end of his press statement, in a moment of desperation, Detective Clark pulled out his state-issued firearm and said, “I don’t think shooting the rubber duck would do anything,” before putting his weapon away.

UPDATE: Just after the press conference, police discovered a silver locket in a dumpster several miles away. Official statement by investigators detailed that “it’s a silver locket,” “looks important,” and “I should probably hold onto this just in case.”

At press time investigators are leaving no stone unturned, no hypothesis untested, and no random piece of shit uncombined with that silver locket they just found in the dumpster.

“CTRL C, CTRL V”: We Spent a Day With the Madden25 Devs

BY GARY KERLS 

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. – In a rare move, Electronic Arts granted the media full access to the entire Madden25 development team for a whole day leading up to the game’s November release. This Hard Drive reporter was one of the few to step foot into the offices, speak with game developers, and investigate what it is that makes people hate these games so much.

After arriving at EA’s headquarters in Redwood City, we were shuttled one hour south to the Madden offices in a deluxe bungalow on a beach in Santa Cruz. At the door we were greeted by Tripp, a 22-year-old intern in a cutoff shirt.

“Welcome to casa de la Madden!” He said as bong smoke billowed out of the doorway, “Make yourselves at home, beers in the kitchen, the bros are out back by the pool, and stick around after hours for movie night on the flat screen, we got Fast Five on deck!”

Tripp pointed to an underlit living room with three couches and four TVs. The beach house, which appears to have been a place where video games were programmed many years ago, has devolved into a frat house that seemingly only throws LAN parties.

“It’s not being released until November, so we’ve still got a ton of time to get started,” Senior Gameplay Developer Scoot MacReady told us without making eye contact. “Aside from adjusting the rosters and thinking of a card tier higher than 99 OVR there’s not much else to it. Maybe something like Amethyst Black Diamond?”

During the “work day” we witnessed a 45 minute meeting on the game’s soundtrack and cover athlete, an optional brainstorming session on microtransactions, and a handful of entry level programmers copying and pasting the code from Madden 24, 23, and 21.

“The hardest part is convincing the US Federal Trade Commission that buying Fantasy Packs isn’t gambling for children,” said Executive Assistant Chad Thurman in response to highlighting the difficulties of making a new game every year. “Luckily EA has lawyers out the ass to make all those government dorks disappear.”

At press time, the launch date for Madden25 has been delayed to account for the boy’s summer trip to Tahoe.