thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 13: Early Access Studio Banter, Danny Tanner, Climate Change, and More

Added 2024-05-13 21:00:36 +0000 UTC

Studio Banter Left on Album Really Highlighting Band’s Insufferability in Whole New Way

SAN DIEGO — The in-studio banter left on the latest album by post-space-rock outfit Hadron Collision showed just how much range the group has in terms of being unbearable douche-heads, several sources shaking their heads in disbelief reported.

“I used to think this band was bad enough when they were just making 12-minute dirges of phaser abuse and the lead singer sounding like Todd Rundgren inhaled Shannon Hoon,” hate-listener Nadia Hockley said. “But then at the end of one of their pompous ‘suites,’ it’s just them goofing around and saying shit like ‘That’s gonna be a number one on the TikTok!’ in this fake-British accent. What the fuck is that? Before I thought they were just kinda up their own asses creatively but now I’m judging them as people and anyone who goes to bat for them.”

Hadron Collision frontman Gavin Crest explained the decision to keep the banter, including 30 seconds of obnoxious laughter leading into the following track’s arpeggiated guitar intro, on the final album.

“Our band has long had a reputation for being humorless and self-impressed. And while we do our best to present ourselves as if we’re some kind of artistic innovators by basically just taking Spacemen 3 songs and adding random melodic breakdowns, we wanted to show we’re not afraid to loosen up,” Crest said. “Me and [drummer] Adrian [Lucas] even do this thing during our shows where I say ‘On drums, Lars Ulrich!’ and he does the worst fill while yelling ‘Fuck Napster!’ It’s hilarious. If only our audiences agreed.”

Rock historian Harold Parker cited the history of bands furthering their mythos through retaining nuggets of recording goofiness on their finished works.

“While it’s debatable as to whether say, the coughing at the end of ‘In My Time of Dying’ or John Lennon saying ‘Sweet Loretta Fart’ at the beginning of ‘Get Back’ are necessary, they’re at least short and attached to songs that are actually good,” Parker said. “Whereas Hadron Collision used to be unintentionally hilarious at times because of how serious they took themselves, their attempts to be genuinely funny truly fill me with despair. And I’ve twice paid to see Ninja Sex Party live.”

At press time, Hadron Collision disappointed fans even further by announcing that their next album would include multiple tracks that were full-blown skits.

5 Times Danny Tanner’s End of Episode Heart-to-Heart With Michelle Did More Harm Than Good

BY DANIEL FREBORG

Throughout its original 8 Season run, the beloved sitcom “Full House” was a reliable source of life advice, the majority of which came from head of household Danny Tanner. However, there were a number of times Danny’s guidance, especially that given to youngest daughter Michelle, was misplaced, to say the least. These unfortunate instances are mostly forgotten by audiences but let this list remind you that the happy-go-lucky Danny Tanner was an imperfect man who occasionally revealed the troubling thoughts lurking underneath his sunny exterior.

S1.E17 ∙ Danny’s Very First Date

Danny uses a disturbing episode from his youth to illustrate to Michelle how going along with the crowd isn’t always the best path to take. Danny used his time as a wayward teen living on Spahn Ranch with Charles Manson as a teachable example after his daughter was caught cheating in class. “Michelle, I woke up one morning in a heap of naked freaks to find Charlie shooting me up with amphetamines while glaring into my eyes and commanding that I go with Tex and Squeaky to cut up those piggies in Benedict Canyon. Now, would doing speed all day and going on a murderous rampage have been the right choice for Daddy to make, just because everyone else was? No, honey. It’s best to follow your heart and think for yourself.”

S6.E14 ∙ Michelle’s Lemonade Stand

Danny explains that it’s more fulfilling to earn money than be given it, so Michelle opens a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of their home. Sadly, she attracts few customers. In a glum mood, Michelle seeks comfort from Danny while they sit next to her nearly full pitcher of lemonade. “Michelle, the invisible hand of the market simply declared your lemonade to be an unworthy investment for thirsty people. I know you’re merely a toddler but it’s high time you understand the power of capitalism. It’s the only god we worship in this house. On second thought, forget about the lemonade. Just make friends at school with the kids in the expensive onesies and fleece them for all they’re worth.”

S4.E11 ∙ “The Poem”

With the help of her preschool teacher Michelle wrote a basic poem about the important things in the life of a small child. She excitedly shares it with Danny, who reacts less like a caring father than snide literature critic. “Michelle, I know you may think rhyming ‘trees’ with ‘bees’ is somehow special, but it’s trite fluff compared to the brilliant couplets of Ferlinghetti’s ‘Wild Dreams Of A New Beginning.’ I mean, seriously, what is revealed about the essence of man by rhyming ‘car’ with ‘star?’ Your scribbles don’t stir my spirit like ‘Beyond the cloverleaf turnoffs / Souls eat souls in the general emptiness.’ Sweetie, your poem wouldn’t even make the bargain bin at City Lights.”

S2.E8 ∙ “Out Of Reach”

It’s one of those days when the kids are just not getting along with each other. Stephanie grabbed Michelle’s favorite matchbox car and held it high in the air out of Michelle’s reach. She runs to Danny for help. He listens briefly but then shifts the topic to himself. “Michelle honey, I understand your frustration. You could say that Uncle Jesse and Joey have been holding something above your daddy’s head for a long time. Something awful. Something that forces me to give those bums free room and board in our home. Have you heard the term blackmail before, Michelle? Those two conniving bastards claim to know something about Daddy that he absolutely cannot allow the world to know. Don’t worry, it’s definitely not about your mother’s mysterious death.”

S7.E19 ∙ “Gone Away For Good?”

In her preschool class, Michelle gets in trouble for the first time. During circle time her teacher confiscates the toy Michelle snuck from home. After school Danny finds Michelle not her usual cheery self. “Oh honey, I know it saddens my little girl but the teacher was right to put your toy in her desk. I know how it hurts to have things taken from you. Remember when Daddy’s girlfriend Vicky got scared that I simply unholstered my concealed .45 during that scary argument? She got hysterical and so the police came into our kitchen and took Daddy’s gun that he worked really hard for and had all the proper paperwork for and everything. They had no right god dammit, no right! At least you got your toy back at the end of the day.”

Scientists Confirm That 67% of Climate Change Caused by Employees Crying in Their Cars During Lunch Break

BY DAN KOZUH

MADISON, Wis. — The University of Wisconsin’s Center for Climatic Research released a damning report suggesting that almost 70 percent of all carbon emissions are a result of the working glass quietly weeping in the cars while the engines idle.

“We were initially puzzled by the discrepancy in carbon footprint between different regions. However, after extensive analysis, we discovered a direct correlation between areas with high rates of workplace stress and increased emissions from idling vehicles,” lead researcher Dr. Emily Chang explained. “Our study, titled ‘Tears in Tailpipes: The Environmental Impact of Lunch Break Melancholy,’ has sent shockwaves through the scientific community. This is a call for urgent action to address this overlooked source of greenhouse gas emissions.”

Climate change deniers, however, are pushing back at the results.

“Let’s face it, folks, if we start blaming every tear shed by a liberal snowflake for climate change, we’ll have a convenient scapegoat for every environmental woe,” chuckled right-wing radio DJ James Henderson, already envisioning the outrage his next segment will generate among his fervent listeners. “It’s time to take a stand against this culture of victimhood and reclaim our planet from the clutches of leftist hysteria. Sure, I record my podcast from the inside of the Range Rover while it is running and the AC is on full blast, but that’s nothing when it comes to this weepy ‘no one wants to work anymore’ culture.”

Scientists warn that if this trend continues there will be dire consequences but there is hope.

“By promoting a healthier work-life balance, letting employees cry in specially designated areas within the office, and letting workers weep from their home office, we can mitigate the environmental impact of employee distress,” MIT professor Bessie Larson explained. “Moreover, integrating mindfulness practices and stress-reduction techniques into daily routines can empower employees to keep their emotions in check so they can explode at appropriate times, like in therapy or snapping at their partner for no reason.”

As of press time, Dr. Chang’s team also found a correlation between anxiety and stress eating and the growth of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

NBC Announce New Show Will Air on Peacock and Also Is Canceled

BY TRAVIS TACK

Peacock has announced today that they are producing and canceling a new sitcom from the makers of “How I Met Your Mother.”

“NBC has spent years trying to find the ‘next big thing,’” explained NBCU President Lisa Katz. “We want something intelligent but accessible. Event programming that will bring in viewers night after night. We believe this can be that show and we will not be renewing it for another season.”

“This is the culmination of a long process for us, and we’re all very excited about it,” Katz continued. “Our development team spent years looking for a good multicam family sitcom that we can cancel.”

It’s been a big month for the bird app that’s not “the bird app” (which also isn’t the bird app anymore). Unfortunately, not all of Peacock’s audience are as excited about the news. In fact, some viewers say they actually want to see the shows that NBC produces.

“I was really looking forward to seeing that new Brett Butler show last year,” said Peacock subscriber Shirley Lennon. “It had a really great intro, but they canceled it before the first act started.”

Reports confirmed this process is not unusual for the streaming platform, which canceled Pete Davidson’s show ‘Bupkis‘ halfway through announcing it had been renewed for a second season. In fact, the network has been canceling shows at a record pace, and NBC executives are very excited about it.

Katz says the reason for all of these cancellations is low viewership, which they court by burying the shows on the seventh most popular streaming app.

“We want to make programming for viewers who love traditional television, but we don’t want them to know how to find it,” Katz explained. “That’s our goal, and I think we’re doing a great job.”

At the time of publishing, NBC said they had no plans to change their approach and also ‘Vampire Academy’ has been canceled.