thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 12: Early Access Ben and Jerry's, Morning Meetings, Privilege, and More

Added 2024-05-12 21:00:07 +0000 UTC

Ben and Jerry’s Collaborate With Mac DeMarco to Release Cigarette and Black Coffee Ice Cream

WATERBURY, Vt. — Ben and Jerry’s announced they joined forces with indie rock musician/gas station attendant Mac DeMarco to unveil a new flavor to their summer lineup: “Breakfast of Champions,” a cigarette and black coffee ice cream.

“I don’t actually remember doing this, but I guess that’s cool,” DeMarco mused when we asked for comment, his face bearing the imprint of his sweatshirt from sleeping on his couch.
“I mean, I could totally see myself coming up with this. I believe you. I mean, my face is right there on the carton. But I sort of have a lot of projects going at the same time. This is great, and I bet it tastes really good, I just have no idea how this even came to fruition.”

Alex Gilblom of the Ben and Jerry’s test kitchen provided some expert insight into the creation and test processes.

“This was one we had a lot of fun making. We have a base of Irish creme black coffee from Circle K that we age for a few days in a somewhat sterile environment. Then there’s a marshmallow swirl, complemented with free-range ashes we collect up from nearby mall ashtrays. Then we dip Lucky Strike filters in tempered smoked chocolate, and finish it with little menthol-flavored camel-shaped candies. The whole flavor profile should harken to the butt cup Mac has in his ‘93 Toyota Corolla.”

However, not all reactions to this avant-garde flavor have been positive, including local fan Brandon Wooster, who tried it upon release.

“Oh my God, no. I think I lasted like three bites. I mean I’m down for anything weird. But that shit tasted like–I mean I don’t want to get too poetic about it–but it tasted like Mickey Rourke. And the burning feeling, it felt like I ate one of those old thin glass Christmas ornaments,” Wooster croaked before spitting out a Canadian penny and a completely intact hot dog relish packet.
“Sorry, this keeps happening since I got out of the hospital. My doctor said it’s going to take a while before I pass whatever I ate, and I guess whatever hole it comes out of is fair game.”

Despite the criticism, this is but the first of three flavors soon to be released this summer, with “Elliott Smith’s Sticky Sock Vacation” dropping next week, and something called “Tom Waits’ Uncle Onion Sandwich” arriving shortly after.

Opinion: Having a Child Opened My Eyes to The Beauty of Scheduling 8 a.m. Meetings for All My Coworkers

BY JOHN DANEK

The miracle of childbirth changes you instantly. When I first saw my goopy baby and heard its cries, my heart swelled; I knew life would be forever different.

Specifically, I would never miss an opportunity to schedule an 8 a.m. all hands meeting ever again. When my baby rises at 4:45 in the morning, so do I. There was a time when I fancied myself a night owl, but it turns out I do my best thinking in the morning. And I’m going to help all of my coworkers come to this realization for themselves.

When I look into my little Markston’s eyes, I feel an intense responsibility to care for this gorgeous living being. And that love now exists for the twentysomethings I manage at the digital advertising firm where I work. They are very appreciative of my meeting start time change. Many of them followed up my meeting invite with confirmation, asking “Are you sure 8 a.m. is the best time for this?” It’s so rewarding to see how meticulous my crew is.

Even though Markston is my firstborn, sometimes I really feel like the father of 32 budding minds. I share my love for them by sending early morning deliverable requests before the sun is up, even if the new hires and interns are hungover or still drunk from the previous night’s mandatory social hour. Sometimes the best love is tough love.

When my wife gave birth, it filled a void in my heart and my time off explanations. I used to feel the need to justify and over-explain vacation requests or last-minute appointments. Now I can just blast a message to my team saying “Kiddo…” with a frowny face emoji and no one dares question it. Or I can just approve my own 2-week “family vacation” while denying requests for “spring break.” If my staff can’t take their time outside of work seriously, how can they expect me to?

To all the childless late sleepers, just know this- having a child doesn’t make me better than you. Unless we’re considering contributions to the human race as a whole, then yeah, it’s kinda hard to argue that I’m not.

But really… why should we box ourself in to an 8 a.m. start time? Is it really that different from 7:30? Sorry, I have a meeting invite to update.

Privileged Person Calls Out Similarly Privileged Person for Being Privileged the Wrong Way

BY ROBERT JOHN SCUCCI

BOSTON – Local art major Tanner White is outraged by his equally privileged classmate Brent Saxon for flaunting his good fortune over those less privileged than him, sources with rich dads confirmed.

“Brent is such a fucking asshole,” said White as he naively attempted to scan his American Express Centurion Black Card instead of his student ID at the dining hall named after his father. “I’ve seen his Tesla in Goodwill parking lots because he supposedly likes ‘thrifting.’ He’s probably just trying to flip everything he buys on eBay like Gary Vee. I’ll bet you anything he’s just spending those earnings on festival tickets and molly so Mommy and Daddy don’t know their little spoiled baby is up to no good.”

Saxon, whose father the campus library is named for, doesn’t feel like he deserves to be criticized by somebody who does exactly the same shit he does but very slightly different.

“Listen, I understand that some people are less fortunate than myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the life that I was born into,” suggested Saxon as he searched through his weathered Patagonia bag for his weekly allowance of $32,000. “Yeah, I shop at Goodwill because I’m trying to start the very first charitable vintage lifestyle brand for the homeless. If I want to trip balls at raves every single night after a hard day’s work, what’s the problem? At least I’m contributing something to society, unlike Tanner, who is doing this completely wrong.”

Local volunteer Marnie Rozzelle weighed in on the feud, which she referred to as a “brunch-boy pissing contest.”

“I’ve seen both Tanner and Brent both get multiple DUIs without worry because their dads know the judge,” asserted Rozzelle, whose parked car was totaled by the former. “Tanner once tried to set up a luxury tent at the homeless encampment I donate food to because he wanted to ‘see what life is like on the other side.’ I’ve also seen Brent try to grill Wagyu filets over a trash-can fire at the same camp so he can ‘connect with his core clientele.’ On both occasions, it started raining, and both of them started crying because you can’t get suede shoes wet.”

At press time, White and Saxon were both spotted screaming at a delivery driver for owning a vehicle with a combustible engine.